Meet my new puppy: Ass!

Cum.

I had to jerk off before posting just to make this comment true.

Taquito

Fits pretty well if you ask me...

Cheese Stick ain't a terrible name tho

Ibuprofen

Wood glue.

As long as it's non-toxic.
- Mmm. Tacky. Now with a new non-toxic formula.

My left leg.

(If somebody could come get me off this desert island that’d be great)

Shuffle one letter over to dessert island and you'll be good for a bit.
I don't know why you went for the left. Plenty of meat left on the right one. We'll send a team out in a month.

Puppy

Hush Puppy.
That's not what you ate, that's what you said when you ate it.

Richard!

please be referring to dick

Puppy 🗿

Banh mi

Fuck I want a banh mi

Ass

Totino's Pizza Rolls

Kefir

Technically I drank it but it was thick so it was my meal

Cock

Brownie

Pancake

Same! Fits him like a glove too.

Tripple Choco Cookie.

Croquette and I think it's a great name

It was back last August, so... does Ensure count?

Also, I knew a guy who had a little yippy dog named Mr. President. Best dog name ever.

Somehow I have a Mitchell and Webb sketch ringing in my head, but I'm not quite sure which.
....
I think it might be the giant death laser.

Potato!

Richard.

Wasabi Pea no peeing inside!

Chewy (type of compliments granola bar)

Toast

Bosco stick, I guess "Bosco" isn't a bad name for a pup.

My girlfriends ass?

Chicken caesar wrap

C A K E

Actually, Alfredo is an amazing name for that little goi

Phò Gâu

Katsu

Happy with that!

Ciabatta with sweet potato madras spread, green olives, feta, and Dutch cheese. Rolls off the tongue

Carbonara

Cimmanim Roll!

Chips and queso

Sprout

Waffles. But my roommate in college bought a puppy before the summer, named it Waffles, took her home, and came back in the fall with an untrained dog that peed in the house and he never cleaned it up. Poor Waffles, she didn't ask to be raised by terrible owners but I ended up moving out early because of her.

I know you're not the owner and so it isn't your job to house-train the dog, but personally I would have asked if it was okay if I trained it for them. I like dogs and working with animals, so personally I'd be more than happy to do it for free so long as they A) aren't demanding I teach the dog tricks (only basic house-training), and B) they follow any instructions I give them.
- Oh I tried, but he undermined everything I worked on. I went home to work every weekend so she'd pee on the carpet and he'd just leave it until I got back, so the idea that peeing in the apartment was bad never really stuck. He let her chew a red marker all over the floor, too, and when I walked in to see her doing it and him in the couch ignoring her, he sat up and was like, "oh, uh, bad dog!" It was impossible.

Phat bitch dip: 2 blocks cream cheese 3 cans of shredded chicken drained 5 diced jalapeños Siracha to taste Shredded cheddar

Microwave cream cheese till soft. Mix in chicken, jalapeños, and Siracha. Put in a casserole dish and top with shredded cheese. Bake @ 350f for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted

Edit: Phat is 80s slang for 'Pretty hot and tempting'

Taco 🌮

Burger

I had to scroll pass eighty people claiming they ate ass before I saw this. Yeah I ate ass then hopped on lemmy, yup.
- And the joke is already made in the title, so either they don't read them or they thought it was so funny they had to repeat it.

Leftovers

Ice cream with big juicy balls

Emmi Energy Milk High Protein Double Zero Ananas-Kokos

Tomato

Cacio E Pepe

Rex. That's a coincidence, that was my neighbour's dog's name. Shame what happened to him, he was always so friendly. Tasty too

Veggie Burger.

Chickpea <3

Do yk the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face

Maki

Cake

Fist full of granola

Or Fist for short

Enchilada.

Perfect.

Long ago I had this one cat named Birria, because I used to jokingly tell her mother "If you don't behave, I'm going to make birria tacos out of you!"

When I rescued her mom, I thought she was a male, still quite young, and before I'd found a vet she disappeared for a couple of days and came back pregnant. After that, she and every cat I've had since then, male or female, I've taken to the vet to be neutered or spayed before anybody gets knocked up.