Your task is to blow a job interview in the first 30 seconds. What do you do?

4 bowls of chili before the interview. And deviled eggs. No words necessary.

I'm autistic, trans and chronically ill.

Do you have gluten free food in the cafeteria? I can't have more than 4 people around me at any given time. Where's the toilet for non gendered people?

Should just about do it I suppose.

Hahaha right! Wanna blow it just tell them they will have to accomidate your basic needs.

"Thanks for your time, but this job isn't for me. I wish you good luck finding your candidate, though."

"Here's my card. If you wouldn't mind signing it and giving it back to me, we just need 30% to get a vote on forming a union."

Sit down, look at the picture of the (child aged) daughter of the person interviewing you, and ask if she's single.

...and now all of a sudden you're appointed to lead a government agency.

Instructions unclear, dyslexia made me blow the job interviewer.

As the title suggests, blow a job interviewer in the first 30 seconds will blow a job interview in 30 seconds

Depends on the skill of the top.

"All professional decisions I make come down to a simple question: what would Marx do"

Turns out you're interviewing to join a collective.

Blow the interviewer

Fart into my cupped hand while making (and not breaking eye contact) and proceed to "throw" it in the interviewers general direction. (Extra points if you can do this with a straight face)

Repeat everything the interviewer says back to them in Yosemite Sam's voice, but punctuate every sentence with "bitch!"

Spit on my palm and go in for the handshake

"The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races" --Homer Simpson (OK the quote was about getting out of jury duty but I think it fits here)

Just keep trying as hard as I can

Blow a job. Remove the a. Instant fail and a felony.

Congratulations! You got the job!

I’ve had 4 interviews since June where I withdrew myself from consideration in the middle of an interview. I didn’t bomb; just decided the company wasn’t for me.

You can always just say “I don’t think this is the right fit, I would like to withdrawal from consideration but thank you for your time.”

Shortest interview was about 4 minutes, not quite 30 seconds, but it would have been about 30 seconds if he showed up on time. When a CTO shows up late, wearing a t-shirt from their home office while I’m interviewing for a 100% on site role, that’s business casual attire; I’m not even wasting my time talking to this dude.

So, how many holidays are there and how much are you offering, if I decide I'm interested?

Ask to borrow a pen. Throw it at the interviewer's head. Ask to borrow a pen...

How much for getting hired ?

Try to set up the interviewer with my friend "who isn't as bad as they say"

"Didn't I see you in (name of local odd hangout, like a gay bar or something)?"

It's definitely possible. That's one of my favorite spots! Small world!

How strict is your sexual harassment policy?

How strict is your shitting on Debra's desk policy?
- Or flying into the sun?

Oh I did this one once! I interviewed for a job as a construction worker, and my first question was "what's the pay" and second "how the fuck do you expect anyone to say yes to that".

They also had an apprentice working on a roof right next to us with absolutely no safety gear in sight.

Hire me or OSHA geta notified if you wanted the job
That sounds like they blew the interview, not you

As you can clearly see I'm white and male. When do I start?

"Congrats, Mr. President! You've won the election!"
Honestly, this works more often than not.

“I’ve always been on the lookout for great places to start a workers union.”

“I have AuDHD.”

That one depends on the job. Some managers will love to exploit your inclination to hyper focus on solving problems and following the rules. They won't ask you to work unpaid after hours but if you want to they won't protest... Doing a third of the work for a team of six people? That's great, but your next performance review will include the criticism that you're not as social as your coworkers because you're too busy doing the job.
- Except that it's gambling. The jobs trigger my hyper focus, sure I'll do in a week a project meant for a month. But inversely, I can be incapable of even thinking about a task and make no progress for weeks.
  I mean, meds have made it better.
Wouldnt bother me at all, I probably work with a few undiagnosed colleagues.
The only challenge is making sure we have the right role for you.

This reminded me of:

I had one guy I interviewed tell me, unprompted, that all the women in the company would definitely feel comfortable around him.

Ok???

It was a fast no thank you. So I guess I’d do that.

"I am always respectful and appropriate towards female employees, especially the hot ones."
Sounds like something Michael Scott would say.

A few years ago I'd have said a Nazi salute.

But now I have to ask clarifying questions, like the location of the interview

If you're in the US, you might get extra points for the salute.
- At the very least it wouldn't get you kicked out of an interview at Tesla

Tell them they can't afford me

You'd be surprised the number of head hunters you'll pique the interest of with that line.

"I like you guys. You're cool. All my other bosses were asshats."

I've actually heard this one in an interview.

I only push to master
I only deploy to prod on Fridays
I am not available on the weekends

something about your confidence... you're hired!
- Confidence coming from ignorance is human's biggest trap.

"Hi, I don't want this job, I'm just here because the job centre told me to apply if I want to continue receiving unemployment benefits."

"I have uncontrollable diarrhea, I smell like I have uncontrollable diarrhea, and my cooking tastes like uncontrollable diarrhea. When can I start, chef?"

I had to read that title a few times. As it potentially could be its own answer: offer a blowjob

…I know, I’ll see myself out now..

I don't know exactly, I'll just be myself.

Remind me when i applied for a tech store chain.
“We also mandate workers to recommend extra warranty to customers that ask for advice , how do you feel about this”
“I always try to help people who come to me for advice the very best i can, i would need to see the details of this extended warranty but if i believe it would really serve the customer then of course i will recommend it”
They laughed; i did not get the job.
Always seems to work so far!

"I do not believe the AI hype"

“I’m a single parent, so it’s hard to work overtime without notice.”

I don't really see the issue with that one. Most of my staff have commitments outside of work that require them to take certain days off or start/finish late during parts of the year. As long as they advise these things in advance, you can just schedule around it.
Also, if you have enough work on that you need more staff, even a part-timer still reduces the total workload on everyone else.

Dodge the handshake and go right in for the French kiss.

You are hereby accepted to SexyTimesPorn Co.

leans in close to the interviewer

“That’s where that smell was coming from.”

Might find that negging works on that person.

Pants go down to ankles

Underwear go down to ankles

And then the helicopter starts up

[RC drone noise fills the office]

Tell the truth. Corporate drones hate that more than anything.

not show up

The simplest solution, and would save me 30 seconds. I'd save even more if it was in person.
They could wait for more than 30sec.
Might not work.

As soon as it begins, I'll put on that one rubber horse mask that's been a meme on and off for the last 20 or more years.

That in itself might be enough.

If not I may be forced to make horse noises. There's actually a sound that's called "blowing" I think is perfect for the situation, so I could technically "blow" the interview and still get the job if they're sufficiently unhinged.

Were it not for the potential for criminal damage, I would also stand abruptly before making the noise and then, with suitable timing, violently kick the chair backwards.

I think that could all fit nicely within 30 seconds.

Or, you know, I could just tell them the truth that my mental state is incredibly fragile and the tiniest amount of work stress or office politics is going to be detrimental to both myself and the company in very short order and that I should not have been sent there in the first place... but where's the fun in that?

First, can you sign this form for my unemployment job search? Thanks bye.

"Workers of the world, Unite!"

brandishes a hammer and sickle

(Legal Disclaimer: I'm not a communist, I just think this scene would look so funny)

I guess as the applicant, turn around and leave?

As the interviewer, also leave

Also getting naked would do it. Either party.
- Interviewer is Green Party, they're into that.

"Yup, that's me on the OSHA poster."

"I'm the reason they changed the safety rules 3 times in a month"

Ask to clarify if it's really a blow job interview like I thought I read.

Don't break eye contact during the entire interview and refuse to speak. Write all your answers on paper and slide them to the interviewer upside down.

So, be Deaf and have no interpreter?

I'll pick up a chair and throw it out of the window, start screaming "fuck you!" at everyone in earshot, and then whip out my dick and start pissing all over the place.

If they still hire me after that, I will work there until I retire.

If they still hire me after that, I will work there until I retire.
That would explain a few things about a colleague or two that I have worked with...
The brief was to fail the interview, not also get yourself a criminal record, but I suppose you could float this as a hypothetical in the interview itself and not actually carry it out for more interesting (and less destructive) results.

Pull out a joint and start smoking it and ask if they want a hit

"dude no smoking outside designated hotboxes"
You’re hired.

Shit on the table, then yell at them to clean it up.

"You're exactly what we look for in our middle management positions."
- I can shit on somebody/thing without exposing myself. C suite or better

Pick my nose and wipe it on the interviewer's desk, and acknowledge nothing.

Fart into an airzooka and shoot the fart at the interviewers.

Like a normal fart or a fart that brought some friends
- Gotta play the hand we're dealt.
- Number 2

If I'm genuinely speed running this and don't have consequences is probably drop slurs followed by multiple, conflicting extreme political opinions involving violence and the like. The goal is that even if you find a racist who is excited about your slurs you can hit 'em with extreme progressive takes like "kill all men" or something.

Worst case, after saying a bunch of bad things and conflicting opinions they'll probably still just think you're odd.

A better but boring answer, just say "nevermind, I don't want this job" first thing. lol.

A better but boring answer, just say "nevermind, I don't want this job" first thing. lol.
Story time: That happened to me. I was the interviewer.
The canidate showed up and answered my first question with "I accepted another offer this morning."
It was a short interview.
I think my notes just said "poor communication skills", which seemed nicer than "didn't occur to them to text rather than show up".
- I'm zeroing in on a better method. I think "I no longer want this job and have accepted another. I am ineligible to work in this country. I am a felon." seems like a pretty good.
Is "kill all men" progressive?
- In Europe, that's just a mainline centrist view blah blah blah Overton Window.
- It was something that radical feminists used to say a few years back.
  Edit: To be clear, I'm not saying I agree with this sentiment nor am I saying it's something I think is reflective of progressives, but it's a controversial thing to say that will make a lot of people angry. It was just an example of something that makes a lot of people angry.

What a useless post.

Do you handle multiple dicks or just your own?

Go for the hand shake and then pull a Hitler salute.

Mypillow would hire you on the spot
Welcome at X

Whatever I've been doing for the past year, apparently.

;-;
Same... same.

I actually did this. Maybe not within thirty seconds or so, but I was applying for a higher level position (above my current classification) at a collections agency. Was kind of sick of the grind but others thought I should be promoted, but interview was required first. I basically told them over and over that if they paid me the right salary I'd do the job. They were not impressed, and my then manager had a few words for me the next day. Oh to be young and not having a care in the world. I also knew I had a different career path in mind, so I wasn't interested in staying either.

"Hey, were you at that BDSM orgy the other night?"

And if they say yes?
- I thought your voice sounded familiar.

'My Myers-Briggs is NSFW'.

"Before I answer any questions, tell me about the real pay package, bonus structure, vacation and sick days and promotions schedule. I also have to warn you in advance that I have flight booked to Barbados next month so we can count that as a signing bonus."

Show up naked

Jokes on you, they're hiring for "World's sexiest Lemmy user"
- I don't think a walrus is going to win.

Start by asking how many paid days off and what is the drinking policy on the job

All I’d have to do is turn up.

And here I was thinking the most reliable and comfortable way to fail is to not show up!

I’d pull a Hal Incandeza and just sit there. When they ask my why I’m not speaking, I’ll just start screeching, making weird faces, and writhing around.

“Why do you want this job/to work here?” “I’m just looking for something interesting to do for a while, get out of the house a bit. This sounds interesting enough.”

They hear: I don’t need a job, I may not need money, I may already have a job, I’m not picky about where I work so I’m probably not planning to stay, I’m likely to be weird or high maintenance, I’m very likely to move on quickly if I’m no longer entertained, and most importantly, I don’t need this specific job so I won’t take abuse of any sort.

This does work to land food service jobs, though, because they don’t really care. They gain and lose staff so frequently that if you just aren’t a complete shitshow you’ll get the job.

I'd like to disclose my disability from my time in federal prison.

I went to an interview for a company in the west coast and I was in central time. the recruiter told me that they had core hours and I'd have some flexibility. one of the first questions was whether I was willing to work Pacific time, which I wasn't, especially since it wasn't the best paying job in the world. That interview lasted about 30 seconds.

Show up naked and shit on the receptionist

First few ideas: Talk about how I'm not really big on the whole "working hard" thing, immediately bring up and start ranting about weird political ideas, "I'm worth X, take it or leave it"

Blowjob?

Blowie with lots of teeth

Calm down now Trump

Boring perhaps, but just get up and leave.

"This is exactly the kind of confidence we're looking for in a candidate. You're hired!"
- Always leave em wanting more. Standard.

Easy, just don't come at all

Three words...

Cock finger puppet.

“Father rapers sitting there next to me”
Lol, what is that from?
- The movie Alice's Restaurant
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice%27s_Restaurant_(film)
- I'm probably wrong but it looks like it could be a scene from a video for Don McLean's Alice's Restaurant

"Pull my finger"!

Ask for a blow job

How else I gonna get my beard dry

Options:

Vomit all over the interviewer's desk.

Act crazy and shout random stuff in German, made worse by the fact that my German is dogshit

Pretend that I'm in a theater play (ie Romeo and juliet) and start dramatically acting a role, etc.

Call them to say I found a better job.

No, I don't show up. Just call at the exact time the interview starts.

Get my dick out. If it doesn't ruin the interview I'll run away anyway - who would want to work in a company where such a behaviour is okay?

For some reason (probably that story about the student whose packer fell out in front of a teacher who said "I hate it when it does that") I have a different image in my head.