Let's play this game again

I'm gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
"I ___, but only when I'm hard."

am the world's greatest kindergarten teacher
Can revive the dead
- "I'm gonna explain everything later, just don't interfere."
- NSFW lyrics
save kittens from trees
- That sounds nice. The newspapers will call me a hard hero.
Can reproduce
- Makes sense
You can give moving public speeches
- Becomes the ceo of Bad Dragon
become immensely popular as a male role model
You can captivate the attention of any child. You're a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children's birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.
Except, there's just one small problem...
- I'm Mr beast?
- They could make a killing off making videos on YouTube or something like Khan Academy. Just never show him from below the waist.....
Pee.
Your super power is that you can transform into an afab woman, once.

Shapeshifting

It hurts extremely because your whole body is physically altered.
- Worth it.
- There’s a whole fetish community that’s SOOOOO into this idea
  RIP Scoot D:
You shift by magically turning yourself inside out ass first
- Disgusting and likely painful, would have to be done somewhere private
- From beneath you, it devours
Your brain shape shifts as well into an exact copy of the animal you mimic. You have the intelligence of the creature you turn into. Which means a one way trip as any coherent logical human thoughts is driven out by animal instincts.
- If I shapeshift into another human, I’d just have their memories. Id have to shapeshift somewhere calm, and leave myself notes
Your weight also change, but the difference is converted to energy using mass–energy equivalence formula.
- Grow slowly -> walking air cooler
  Shink rapidly -> Boom
- So I just need to keep my weight constant
But comes with body dysmorphic disorder. You’ll never be satisfied with how you look.
- Not until you finally get it right, and at that point you look like a total freak to everyone else. But at least you're satisfied.
Granted, but you can never turn back
- access to all animal shapes, but can only use them once, stuck in final form forever.
You can only shapeshift into smaller versions of yourself.
- That’s not really a side effect, more of a condition.
You can't actually become anything unique, the body approximately closest to your imagination becomes yours. They also, become you in turn. You immediately become a world wide sensation if used frequently.
- That’s not shapeshifting, that’s body swapping
You can only shift into a species that you've seen before. Can only shape shift into living things (not sentient and mobile inanimate objects)
And you can never return to any species you were previously. It has to be a new one every time until you exhaust the possible species. Leaving you stuck as the last possible species you pick to shape shift into.
- Wait, but can I shapeshift within a given species?
you shapeshift, but your state and society will periodically and randomly remind you, that they know, what shape you had earlier ... wait, that does already exist. still superpower tho!
Your telomeres become damaged every time you use the ability
You can also become invisible
You forget what you like if you are changed for too long and don't have a detailed enough reference
- A matter of keeping some hair in a jar as well as a photograph of mine

Ability to make cheese at will.

it is extruded and harvested from your nipples
- I would get the biggest fattest breast implants possible and be a stripper with a built-in cheese dispenser.
- I see no flaws in this plan
- This is a superpower thst could be in the orgy scene in The Boys, rofl.
You are also able to end all wars
- And are reminded of this with every cheese you create.
It's Cheez-Whiz
- Alas I must make my living in Philly in the cheesesteak mines.
It lags out reality because every time you make cheese, it spawns a dozen above you, and reality just never expected this to happen. Also it's always comically large Raclette
It's all kraft singles
You're lactose intolerant
You now lactate and secrete rennet. Making it possible for you to harvest the ingredients and make cheese at will.
As word of your power spreads across the world, you become a god to cows by providing means to an end to the rape and exslavement of their species.
The combined belief of billions of cows grants you accesss to the physical and mental powers of cows. If you work to free them, you will become more powerful. And if you don't, you will be cursed to live out the rest of your days in an abattoir, where the hopes and dreams of cows go to die.
Either way, the dairy lobbies aren't happy and assassins are after you.
Severe lactose intolerance.

Teleportation

Every time you do it, you land on a poop
- Just gotta carry disinfectant wipes and stuff I guess. I'd take this deal
- And not like a little dog scat either. We're talking the entire football team ate some bad vichysoise and it hit them during practice and that pile is where you land. Every godsdamn time. You're starting to wonder if it's the same pile.
- I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle
- You should watch The Boys, if you haven't already.
- Are prostheses and implants considered part of your body for purposes of teleport?
Granted, but your momentum is teleported with you. The earth is hurtling through space at over 100,000 km and you are on its -spinning- surface subjected to multiple momentum influences constantly.
Keep it to short distances and you might be ok, but with distance comes chaos.
- This was fantastically embedded in the Jumper books.
- Don't you Just have to Teleport rapidly Forward in short disxtances then to mitigate that risk? Would probably also bei safer since you could See where to Teleport to.
Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.
- If your already on your deathbed, it would be a painful way to die, but you'd at least get an amazing view for a few seconds.
The Fly - 1986
You can't control the destination.
The event alone causes an explosion, killing anything 50 meters to you, damaging anything 100 meters from you, temporarily disabled any electrical thing two kilometres from you, but you won't be affected by any of this.
You can materialize matter out of thin air.
Anywhere you haven't been is an imaginary place

Super strength

You fart continuously while using it.
- Probably the most realistic of the side effects
The minimum force you can output is now around 500 Newtons
It's extremely difficult to control - even grazing an object the wrong way with your finger can end up breaking it into pieces. Giving someone a hug can easily end with you covered in blood from the person you just split in two.
- Going to the toilet propells the shit straight through the toilet.
Your muscles don't gain super durability however.

Mind reading

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information
- Twist: everyone is P-zombies but you! The Solipsists were right!
When you read someone's mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.
- I think that's a syndrome
- Crowded subway station = fun times!
You're extra sensitive to reading the minds of non-human animals and can't turn it off. All the time. Forever.
You can't turn it off or filter out any thoughts and are lost in a cacophony of thoughts bombarding you every second from evey living thing. Even isolation isnt a relief as the animals and insects asail you with their primitive instinctual thoughts.
- Came looking for copper but found gold. Great write-up.
- Antarctica here I come!
All thoughts are formatted in .docx
- All thoughts are deposited on a random storage medium and format. So you might receive a 3.5" cassette formatted with ZFS or a flashdrive that must be read by laser refraction (like a DVD)
No filter so you hear everything. I hope you are ready to hear non-stop thoughts of pooping, peeing and struggling with bad sleep because one of the elderly people around you is going to be dealing with it.
That’s ignoring all the disturbing thoughts of others you can’t do anything about.
Whenever you do it, the fact you're reading someone's mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.
It works, but there is nothing to read. Enjoy your solipsism!
In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.
Everyone secretly despises you.
Always. You can never not be reading the minds of everyone around you.

Have my nose grow every time I lie

but it's flaccid
- squidward
It's a new separate nose in a random place on your body.

The ability to get my DnD group to have a sensible, routine schedule, with no cancelations.

They are always completely distracted and on their phones the whole time.
- Had this happen with one dude in college. I had no clue why he joined at all. He spent every session on his phone held 6 inches from his face, and always had to be told when it was his turn in combat, just for him to have no clue who to attack.
You DM becomes your literal dungeon master. You're literally chained naked in a basement, forced to play endless games of DND.
- The side effect is intended to be bad.
This irritates your intestines terribly every time you use it, causing you to be the one to have to cancel every time tho, or play the session in agonizing pain and very frequent bathroom trips
- There sure is a lot of "you poop yourself every time you use it" type responses here.
Everyone wants to play in your games
Even for a post like this that’s just unrealistic.
But, everyone shows up but their fingers are constantly covered in a thick layer of Cheeto dust.
But they want to change their character every time.
Their friends and family become trapped in stasis until they complete a campaign, they know you are to blame. You die when the campaign ends.
- Tbh this one is a pretty easy one to undo at least. Just give them stupid OP magic items and have the BBEG wonder into camp unarmed.
  So this one esentially boils down to "you only play once and your friends are pissed"
Everybody in the group but you suddenly dies.
- Death counts as a cancellation, so that wouldn't work.

Neural typical ignoramus is what I choose. I'd like to be able to ignore what's happening in my country and be happy like a bunch of these dumbassss

You fall into a right wing incel cult and get shot by the police after trying to kill a liberal politician.

you notice peculiar signs that foretell great calamities but you can never make sense of it

You become a MAGA supporter

Flying

Extreme fear of heights
- Stealth low flight mode activated!
- '... I... I just prefer to 'hover', ok?'
- Hovering would still be nice
Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.
You are now the sexiest thing alive to birds, so they will constantly hit on you.
you lose all leg strength
You get struck by lightning
You can't do it unless you're wearing revealing bondage gear and a ball gag. Your kinks become the story instead of your superpower.
You’re now a city pigeon.
Flying has its own built-in side effects.
Every time you take off, there's a pretty good chance that people nearby will notice. The government will want to study someone who has the ability to fly, so they'll start surveiling the area. Within a short time they'll figure out who you are, and you'll be captured and eventually dissected.
And, that's assuming your flight superpower comes with the ability to breathe at high altitudes, the ability to resist the cold you'd be exposed to by flying, the ability to see while flying without having your eyes dry out, etc.

The ability to change the probability of events happening

You can only make things worse
- Dang 😅 Who gets to decide whether I'm making something worse though?
You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.
- Name checks out, thank you Spiderman :3
Applies only to non terrestrial events
- Chance of an advanced race of friendly aliens settling on Mars: 0.0000000000000N% => 100%
you no longer know what will happen after the first change so the power is a single use
The probability of gaining or losing a genetic trait in your body also changes based on the probability change you make
You can only make small changes, and it doesn't always work. So, you don't actually know if you have the power or if something slightly improbable happened.

With the snap of my fingers I can instantly cause the death of authoritarian dictators.

Bullet poops

the bullets fire whether your sphincter is open or not
Every time you sneeze you ruin a perfectly good pair of pants/underwear.
You can also solve world hunger
You're full of gunpowder
Nutsack strays

Controlling time to undo mistakes i have done in the past

I can upvote or downvote as many times as I want

The ability to choose side effects to other people’s super powers

You get hit with the same side effect
- Okay, yeah, but then all you have to do is give everyone beneficial side effects.

infinite money

Speed up or slow down time at will

- how come this guy gets to have two superpowers?
But special relativity still applies. So you can only do this by traveling at nearly the speed of light away from or towards your target. Travelling this fast is a separate power with separate side effects, and you don't have it.
The humble shroom trip:
Requires large amounts of reaction mass and plenty of space.
It affects your aging by 1,042x as much as the speed used. Careful, or you'll either become dust or Benjamin Button yourself.
You can't actually change time, just your perception of time. Your muscles don't move any faster. If someone is throwing a punch at you and you slow down time, you can appreciate the fist moving at your face for an hour of your slowed-down time, but you still can't dodge the punch. If you speed up time, you still need to eat, sleep, and perform other bodily functions. So, instead of getting hungry every few hours, you get hungry in what feels like seconds. And, since you don't have super-speed, you need to slow time back down again so you can eat.
It might still be a power worth having, but it's not as awesome as it might seem at first.
- It would be great for raw reaction time, granted you'd still have to wait for your body to catch up.
You are also affected.

Every single (non-human) animal is friendly to me.

I want to be just slightly above average in everything I do without needing training, but I can only achieve that level of slightly above average at whatever I do.

Ohh! this *is *a nice game!

Ok, my superpower is ... Autism!

Edit: The answers were even better than i expected! Thank you all :D

The power to negate side effects of any kind. :]

Be able to transform into animals

Will to live

The power of the brown-touch: The about to make people shit themselves by touching them

It works on yourself as well
You can't control the effect when you touch a non-human animal.
- BUT THEN I CAN'T PET THAT DOG
It works everytime you touch someone you admire or love.

Liquid metal shape shifting like an organic terminator or metal clayface

Not having to sleep. You can just be awake 24/7 without the usual cognitive decline or feelings of being tired.

Complete and total control over my own body down to the molecular level.

It doesn't turn off, you have to manually burn oxygen molecules with every cell constantly to live
- The ultimate multi-task. I assume that I'd have to manage cell division too. Wild to think about how little we are actually in charge of within ourselves.
You get burnt out by having to manage everything
- If I can control my body at the molecular level, then I can control the chemical reactions in charge of emotions and fatigue. Depression, stress, burnout? Just turn that shit off.
On a whim you decide to max out your pleasure, but don't set a time limit. You lose all higher cognitive functions as you're flooded with bliss.
With no way back, you slowly starve to death, loving every moment of it.
- Literally, the best way to go. Now I really want that power.
You can't stop ejaculating

Invisibility

You can never sleep as your eyelids are also see through for you.
- Have you heard of curtains?
You can turn invisible but only parts that are alive, in essence, cells. Your nails, your hair, the food you've eaten, pee... All can be seen though.
- The outer layer of the epidermis, are just dead skin cells.
- This is actually canon to HG Wells' The Invisible Man
You become blind and deaf when invisible.
- Also very screamy
You're only invisible to yourself. Everyone else can still see you, but your real power is that they are polite about this dude who is, from their perspective, pretending to be invisible and just ignore you to be kind.

When I’m completely naked I’m invisible.

You can control the digestive systems of others

you lose control of your own when using the power.
Cause a shit, take a shit.
- They said control. They didn't say they'd use it to directly cause people to shit. As written, they could control their GI such that the direction is reversed.
  They could cause people to throw up feces.
  Cause a reverse shit, take a shit.
You can't control your own

I can now shoot fresh spaghetti from my fingertips. Each fingertip shoots a continuous spaghetti noodle at an alarming rate with a range of about 4 feet. My thumbs will shoot a delicious meat sauce at a comparable rate and range.

impeccable social skills

Teleportation.

Instant teleportation

you teleport by creating a copy of yourself in the new location and then destroying the original.
- That's rather acceptable...
Your clothes do not teleport with you
Getting stuck in random items at target location, being molecularly fused to said item, up to and including loss of body parts with appropriate health implications.
You can only teleport to the middle of the Pacific Ocean
Comes with instant cancer due to the radiation.
It's instant from everyone else's perspective, you have a 5 minute cut scene that outlines the area you teleported to, but not a second goes by from the moment you teleport to after you are there.

I am now able to speak to all animals, and understand them all

All of them will be very rude to you
They all have the intelligence of a 3 year old and can't form coherent sentences
They're all completely horrible and you can't block them out.
Every animal has super-covid and no vaccine can be made, so the government kills every animal
You become blind and lose your sense of taste.
I think the side effect is the power itself. Animals only care about food, sex. Most boring super power on the list. Maybe cool to talk with dolphins.

Ability to become any fictional character with all their skills and powers while retaining my identity.

Superpower - Simon the likeable. I come across to everyone as so calming, disarming, friendly and persuasive that I can convince anyone to do anything just by talking to them.

Happiness

Necromancy with revived person having all memories and intellect, but me having final say

Every person you revive is gender bent to the opposite sex :3
- Kar(o)lina Marx!?
- just gonna die and be revived real quick, brb...
- Imagine how many suicides by trans people can be caused by this
- Andrea the Giant sounds like a win to me.
Whomever you revive has all the capabilities their physical body can manage, but they never stopped decomposing after death and they are still decomposing. You could revive a skeleton, but they wouldn't do anything given that they have no flesh or brain, so it would just lay there being calcium. The injuries that killed them would still be present and they'd be in pain from the injury and decomposition, so there's that. Better hope they weren't embalmed.
You'll get kink for necks
You become septic every time you do this

Every time I brush my teeth, they glow in the dark for the next 24 hours

Just gimme photographic memory.

I GET IMMORTALITY!

The ability to the cat

ability to make people say/do what you want them to

I am ironman

Shoot butts out my laser

i can delete one square meter wnywhere in the world and it just deletes the matter that was there

Can create perfectly round and transparent ice cubes out of thin air.

Complete control over time. I can stop, start, speed up, slow down, skip forward, skip back, and rewind.

You are not immune to your powers- when time stops, so do you
- Which makes sense as air being stopped would make moving around impossible.
You have to run as if you were a shark to even breathe
It messes with your memory severely and the more you use the power the more severe a temporally caused form of schizophrenia you develop becomes as well.

Super speed of course!!

The COD Zombies perk "Death Perception", but instead, I can see the outline of living beings through objects.

At night it only sees dicks
- You would be surprised how many Anerican politicians are named Richard. You could make a niche career using that skill presuming you are a good shot
You can see through earth itself, covering your entire vision with said outlines, unable to see any object in front of you unless it is a living being
You can see all the spiders in your walls. Bacteria and all kinds of living things coat every surface you look at and fill your intestines.
I'm not sure that a side effect would be worse than the super power.

The ability to find any file I please from anywhere I choose no matter how confidential or copyrighted it is. (It's... for a Club Penguin archival project, yeah)

Dibs on the Mongol Empire circa 1279

Real life Ctrl+Z

I can pause time in order to write as much code as I want without interruption.

The outcome I most want, when random chance is involved, will always occur if I first say the words "hoodoo moogoo"

The ability to control all matter at the subatomic level.

The ability to enter and bring objects/people into a space where time flows while it stops in the outside world. For a surface level example, you have a table in front of you and you could just by touching the table for example teleport to this place and proceed to play minecraft for an hour and then teleport back to the real world and continue from the same point. You could also store stuff there.

My superpower is pain

Mind reading

you find out that your childhood anxiety that no one actually likes you was spot on
You can't control whose mind to read and must read the mind of every person you're around all of the time. You become overwhelmed with all the mind reading.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Whatever the guy below me said

I cant decide between Trans Magic and the power to be able to infinitely summon a device at no cost any time that will answer correctly and precisely any question i ask it for no price, it knowing what i mean and wanting to help me. Summoning it will erase the previous device, keeping the memory of the information obtained from it

Every device you summon or you transformed into will smell like farts.
The device is 60 tons in weight, and falls from orbit directly on your location.
- Does that mean that i can just run past someone and summon the device to kill them?
You are hounded by mathematicians that want to apply the halting problem to the device.
If they ever get through and ask the question, reality breaks.
- How will the scientists be able to figure out how to stop it before i summon another, destroying the previous one?
The devices summoned are of so bad quality that even attempting to use it will cause it to break.
As for the first one, using said magic will change your brain chemistry so you become a hyper aggressive, far right leaning man.

I can instantly convert roads into corresponding rail transit lines. Highways to heavy rail, city arterials to light rail, sub arterials to grams, and interstates to high speed rail, etc.

I gets 1 trillion USD worth of gold bricks, clear of all legal requirements.

The entire superman set, minus kryptonite

I can create any liquid and control his Temperature

The USA.

You have a two-party political system and must respect the results of your elections.
- Only one party does that lol

I can shapeshift.

The ability to turn lead into gold just by touching it and saying a short incantation.

I can play the kazoo really well, like Hendrix level kazoo playing.

Your butthole is now sealed shut

This sucks because all of the responses are negative.

I always succeed at anything I attempt

Idk friends, I'm tired. Person who replies, please give me something cool.

I have wolverine level regeneration.

Telekinesis

Ability to teleport any words I want into the mind of someone who is broadcasting or streaming anything over internet or radio or tv, that I currently watch or listen, as long as the broadcast is going on. For them it would be like hearing me as if I was in the same room. They won't know anything about me other than realize I'm one of their listeners or viewers. It works only for one person at a time - the streamer/broadcaster or one of them. They can choose to tell other listeners what they heard, or not.

The ability to focus on stuff i am supposed to do