I become a career bureaucrat.

Whatever the guys in MS Cloudstrike did today.

~~I write code for those who pay me money.~~

I delete code of people who don't pay me.

Based.

I’m a teacher, so I guess now I spread misinformation on social media for a living. 🤡

I was gonna say I suck knowledge and graduation credits out of old people

I think the exact opposite would turn me into a literal pirate; stealing money in a way that statistically increases the risks of maritime commercial ventures.

Are you the port authority or what?
- Maritime adjuster. My body is a machine that turns the inherent risk of fishing into box wine.

I make sure people don't talk to each other about what they're working on and hide important information they need to complete tasks. Sometimes I'll advise them to work on the wrong thing for a long time.

In my spare moments I delete the data in reports and unpivot tables.

Scrum master?
- Not an agile environment, but about equivalent

I write good code now.

I fix software bugs

What a coincidence! I now create them...

I am now loving my job.

I have a job! Woohoo!

I write software that scours the internet for porn and other NSL content, then sends it to school kids.

Jesus fucking Christ =)))

Software engineer here. I'd become the worst thing I can imagine... a user.

Same but I was gonna say PM

Damn I feel like the polar opposite of my job is also my job. But if I try to make it bad, I'd say I would hurt and demotivate children and try to keep them stupid

I lock people out of their homes and break door hardware.

Aww geez, I'm a frat boy now

Locksmith?
- Yep, and fratboy related calls are a surprising percentage of my income. Poor dears, a perfect combination of preternatural strength and mind-numbing stupidity. Or, as their parents like to think, our future

Now I cut features from software one by one

You'll have a promising career at Google

Black hat hacker, I break into people's servers and fuck up their shit

Do you work at Crowdstrike now?

I guess I now beat people up?

Welcome to United Airlines for your new role! You’ll fit in great here!
You work in healthcare?

My job is having a job.

Welfare?
- In the US? That's a good one.

Break computers

I am served and taken care of from the moment I wake up untill the moment I fall asleep. Someone makes me nutritious meals, and I only do activities that stimulate my brain. Once a year a small baby gets shoved up inside me

Now I'm Not sure if you give birth once per year currently, only gave one birth in your life, or plan to be childless.

~~I work in IT for a company that helps patients get medications they need.~~

I physically prevent people from getting the medications they need.

Does that mean instead of cleaning up the place, I make it messy as fuck? 🤔 What's the opposite of a janitor?

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?id=100044627940324&story_fbid=811165880381003
Life without you would be terrible.

I'm an anarcho-capitalist with a real hatred for the homeless.

Annihilate transportation infrastructure on a large scale.

CloudStrike has already put me out of business, it seems

I do research on technologies that make airplanes heavier, increase their fuel consumption and make them fall out of the sky more often. Oh and I spend time in the classroom making sure students have no idea how to reverse it.

How is it working at Boeing?

Outbound inferiority

I make sure what I send is going to fail all the tasks. Nothing but the worst for my customers.

I ignore people with broken bones

Cause brain damage? Idk how do you remove knowledge?

Tiktok. Facebook.
- Bookburnings Tv on tlc Let them play...

Instead of talking to the customers and fixing issues I'm writing code and breaking things.

So apparently I work at Crowdstrike

Ill be hosting AA meetings.

Well, fuck, I'm now an engineer on day shift. (I'm night shift QA and most of my issues are caused by careless engineers.)

If it were the opposite, I make sure planes come out of the sky

Erik, you mustn't!

Wait, if you destroy AI, wouldn't that make you John or Sarah Connor?
- Look he's a very special Terminator

I assemble and disassemble industrial machinery for final testing. I already do the opposite of what I do?

I cause soft tissue damage

Do you normally repair hard tissue damage?

Efficient desktop destroyer

I think I work at Crowdstrike now

I disorganize rare books and artifacts 😔

I reverse-engineer software.

Same, which is funny because i sometimes do that for fun as a hobby lol

I go to people's houses and steal their books.

I now make it impossible for trade schools to be publicly funded.

Instead of building homes, I destroy them... So same trade, different step.

Traumatise people.

Could be fun for a while!

I become a Asset Liability Mismanagement specialist.

My job is to devise an investment strategy and corresponding pension benefit structure that maximises the chance that the pension fund runs out of money before all pensions are paid, and does so as quickly as possible while taking as much risk as possible.

So basically what pension schemes did in the 80s and 90s.

I make chemical weapons to kill millions.

I'm now taking digital databases and write them by hand in an unnecessarily vomplicated fashion to paper while making up a story for each entry.

I break bones...

I encourage people to use drugs in the most dangerous way possible. Occasionally kidnapping people from hospitals or rehabs and then dump them on the streets.

Visit people's houses and take their food.

I make up pseudoscience? I guess?

btw gravity is fake, the earth is flat

No no no the earth is fat not flat

I cause massive amounts of damage and disorder within local school systems.

I have to make sure life is as difficult as possible, and squash all opportunity for learning and growth for the most affluent, able and healthy people who exist in our society.

What do I do....

Having.a job instead of waiting for the next quarter of college. As to what the job is, couldn't tell you.

I'm sitting at home with PTSD from deployment instead of working, so the opposite would be me working without PTSD. That would be great, where do I sign?

I do not sell software. Don’t install it. If you try to anyway and have questions, I will provide instructions on how to completely fuck your integration up.

I am now an oil baron.

I decommission computers with a very efficient inventory and documentation system.

A super hierarchical and meaningless job in a big company, for which I'm well-paid. I have a lot of colleagues and I hate them. I have no right to initiative and strict but quiet schedules.