"Hey Google, Turn my balls off"

Imagine opening a phishing link and suddenly your balls are taken hostage by a hacker

WannaCry? No, WannaCum.
"Pay me 5 Bitcoin or I'll give you an errection in front of the HR manager."
Or worse
"Pay me 5 Bitcoin or you'll never get an errection again.*
- Even worse
  "You are now on a per-boner subscription plan"
- 1: Nobody would notice regardless
  2: That'll happen even without you
  3: :'(
Future kink
Cannot pee anymore :(
(because the pee is stored in the balls)
Don't kinkshame me
Or someone triggers this remotely after it has been off for like 2 years. You sit on Monday morning meeting. You get up to the screen to present your new project and boom.

After you get snipped, it's potentially weeks/months before you are shooting blanks, a switch like this is less of babies/no babies and more like babies/accidental babies.

Edit: sorry for facts on shit post

Yes here is an article about it. Article
The relevant part. “The binary nature of the Bimek SLV might make it seem that you can switch off your potency at will, but the body will need time to flush existing sperm out of the system, as it were. The ever-helpful FAQ says that it may take up to three months, or “until about your 30th ejaculation.” Whichever comes first is a question only you can answer.”
- 30th ejaculation? pfft, hold my beer and watch this.
This was my first thought. I could see this being a medical procedure in place of a vasectomy. Get switch (or something less likely to get bumped) installed and set to off. Then when you want to have kids, another procedure to turn the switch on.
People keep looking for a quick fix for male sperm control, I didn't think it is possible. At least not as a off and on solution that keeps coming up.
- Maybe this plus a urethral spermicide enema?

There’s a big difference between this and getting snipped. The difference is, like, vast. It’s a vast difference.

More of a vas deferens I think
- Yes, indeed, you said the funny part aloud.
- Angry up vote

This, but I want the voice command changed to "Go go gadget genitalia"

I'd just want the Super Mario power-up/power-down sound effects.
- And when you insert it you hear the sound effect from when he goes down into a pipe.
Go go gadget dick
Can you reset any of the voice assistants to respond instead of Siri or Alexa or Bixby or whatever to "go go gadget?"

i like how each tube has an individual switch. for when you only want some cum

So a toggleable vasectomy.

Trouble is you need a several days (maybe a week or more) and/or a few ejaculations to actually be sterile after a vasectomy... So this isn't the kind of thing that you can flip on in the moment and you're safe.

I'd imagine most men would only need to actually use the switch twice in their lives anyways. So having to wait a couple weeks wouldn't be too bad.
They told me three months. In case the wires reconnect

wait till this comes with a monthly subscription

When Google wont give you back the API keys to the chastity electrodes

Hang on one second babe…

(clap-clap)

Things you don't want tied to a clapper may include this device.

Remember to flip the switch back on when you need to pee

Not the same plumbing.
- https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pee-is-stored-in-the-balls
- Contrary to common belief, pee is, in fact, stored in the balls.

Great! Someone should write HomeAssistant integration!

"Hey, Google, I'm having sex!"
Google turns down the lights and turns on the balls.
- The stereo starts playing Yakety Sax

I don't want a kill-switch. I want a turbo-button to slice metal sheets with a jet of cum.

is this one of them brandnewsentences?
You need a button for that?
If you are experiencing pressure issues just mitigate the issue by adding acids (via special infection cultures in the balls) to the cum, or some abrasive materials (jagged kidney/bladder stones perhaps?).

I'd just forget which one is on and which one is off. Also I have zero need for the on setting.

You could even add a bag attachment and keep it for later!
I'd say "imagine having to explain to your date why you've got cum in your ass", but it sounds like you already did.

I see two casings for switches. Do you have to toggle each ball individually or something?

Also, how do you remember which way to flip the switch? Can it get turned around?

Flip them on and off repeatedly to put them in pairing mode.
- "FUCK, I came for longer than 5 seconds. Now I have to go through the factory reset AGAIN."
I know, right? Do you just flip one and run at 50%?

click

Before continuing, please accept the following terms and conditions.... [35 pages of legalese ensue]

Followed by 15mins of unsinkable ads
- uBlock Origin -Iceberg edition-
"you're subscription will expire in 3 days. Renew now to avoid testicular incineration."

Hook it up to a clapper and live life dangerously.

Wait won't this turn off their brains? How will they breathe?

This seems more practical for a temporary birth control for men.

https://www.planaformen.com/

Still under development, but works like a microscopic net to prevent sperm from exiting and can be dissolved later if you do decide to have kids.

This is the real reason Data doesn't tell everyone where his off switch is.

That's some Chobits shit.

I guarantee you the same people working to ban abortion and female contraception will go after this too.

Male contraceptives are difficult to approve to begin with, specifically because there's no political will to expedite anything that benefits males as a sex. They don't need to go after this sort of thing until something actually gets approved.
The FDA also requires tighter standards regarding side effects because they do not prevent or treat a condition that the patient has (because pregnancy is not a concern for male persons). If you ever hear someone talking about a male pill and implying that the guys in the study couldn't deal with relatively minor side effects, it wasn't the patients that ended the study and it wasn't because patients were unwilling to continue using it.
There was also a pill derived from cotton plants, but it had two major issues: The first was that the difference between a contraceptive dose and a toxic dose was too small to be comfortable. The second was that sometimes (but not always) the effect was permanent.
There's also a technology developed in India for a sort of reversible vasectomy that requires an injection of a polymer in each vas. It started out as an attempt at an artificial heart design, in the 70s was used as the basis for a water pump, and still later became the basis for the contraceptive. US IP rights to it were bought by a US company in 2011, and a slightly different formulation of it was in testing until 2023 under the name Vasalgel (which proved less reversible than the original). The rights were bought by a different company in 2023 who are looking to try to bring it to market under the name Plan A For Men.

That's either a very small finger or a very large dick

For you

Id do this if you could get LED ground effects attached to the bait&tackle, good for the dramatic reveal

Go full RGB, acquire "Gamer Balls".
- That's this:
The RGB just makes you nut faster.

Ya but can I have my switch installed near my taint?

Careful what you wish for
- (👁 ͜ʖ👁)

We all know pee is stored in the balls.

So this is just a piss switch.
\ (Which would actually be a real issue solver for folk with incontinence issues.)

That exists. My great-aunt had one of these for her incontinence problems.
- Oh, for real, not just catheters with a valve either, proper internal semi-permanent valves/switches with magnets, some even gravity operated.
  Thx for TILing me.

Who needs to turn their sperm release on and off so quickly? I understand wanting it to be easier than surgery but no one needs it so fast that you flip a switch. Deciding to have kids is a huge decision that often takes months of fucking to succeed at.

What if you don't want to have kids with your concubine, but do want to have kids with your wife? What then... Mr smarty pants?
It's for when you need to pee
No that's so you can release it after you've pulled out. Its gotta go somewhere.
- Need to set up a railway switch track in there. Divert unneeded loads to /dev/null/ and then hit the switch to return to the normal output track.

Roses are red, this drink's made from laudanum...

Like others, I don't have a use for my balls anymore. It sure would be nice to keep them around looking good though. But anyway, could I please just get the euphoria stimulus! I don't really care for all the gooey mess.

If this was controlled by your Google home, it would need a battery, which would need to be recharged. Imagine saying "hey Google, turn my balls off" and getting "I can't reach that device" because you forgot to recharge your ball switch last night.....

We're living in the future

I mean if you're that worried it'd be more effective to build up a spank bank for making kids later and then just get a vasectomy.

we have different definitions of the words 'spank bank'

"Mods, deactivate this man's balls."

They just want your money, super glue works just as good and it's cheaper, non-invasive.

Actually you’ll need to cum 3-5 times with the switch off to eliminate the chances of impregnating someone!

It’s that way when having a vasectomy

When I got a vasectomy, it was like 20 before they wanted to do a fertility test.

Wouldn’t compression of the tissue starve it if oxygen and cause necrosis?

What? Why would you permanently compress it?
- TIL about the meme, but to continue hypothetically - any sort of pressure to either hold the ends of the type in the mechanism, or if the tube continues through the mechanism and a “pinch” is done to prevent flow.

Controlled vasectomy...

This is an idea from a book by john scalzi called starter villain.