You always get ketchup water when applying ketchup, regardless if someone used it before you or if you've shaken the bottle.
The first circle of heck is for people who listen to media in public without headphones. They shall walk through life with lots of AV media available to them, but the soundtrack never matches the video.
The second circle of heck is for the people who take up two parking spaces. They are damned to a place where they all have shittier cars than everyone else forever.
The third circle of heck is for people who pull fire alarms as pranks. They may live their lives as normal, except sometimes a loud noise will happen and they will be taken outside the building and drowned with a fire hose for awhile. Forever.
The fourth circle of heck is for programmers who don't document their code. They will be stranded in a country whose language they have no way of learning.
The fifth circle of heck is for Toyota engineers. For the sin of putting the oil filter directly underneath the exhaust manifold, they shall have the skin of the back of their hands blowtorched off a few times a day, every day.
The sixth circle of heck is for the people who just can't get out of the way at the grocery store. All of the delicious food they could ever want is buried 5 miles deep, and they are equipped with oven mitts on their hands for digging.
The seventh circle of heck is for people who modify their cars to have loud exhausts, get a dog that barks at all hours of the day, etc. They live normal lives, but they can hear the Sun.
Toasters either barely warm up the bread, or completely carbonize it.
You can get used to anything. All of these suggestions that start with "everytime" will be changed to "sometimes." Because it's the hope that kills ya.
Everything glares and your eyes hurt. It also smells constantly of BO and is uncomfortably warm. There is a tinnitus drone on the edge of your hearing. Everyone mumbles. You constantly forget why you came into the room. Food all tastes of cardboard and your scalp itches most of the time. You get cramp in your hands and feet at inopportune times.
You can never understand what people say but immediately process it after asking "what?".
in heck you have to travel everywhere by car. and there’s always traffic.
just woke up and want to brush your teeth? that’s gonna be a 15 minute drive to the bathroom. watching tv and want to take a break to get a snack? 20 minute drive to the kitchen. want to go to the supermarket to pick up some more milk? 40 minute drive, round trip.
I think perhaps you could build an entire community around this premise.
My list, FWIW:
Sinks in public washrooms either don’t turn on when you put your hand under it, or only turns on when you pull your hands away.
The other lane always moves faster.
Everyone is always, always clearing their throats.
The lid of the pickle jar in the back of the fridge will always be loose.
- Your pillow is always warm. But never enough to be comfortable.
- When you sweat, your skin feels too cool too quick but you keep sweating.
- You master power naps with falling asleep fast and waking up 20 minutes after. You're always left destructively groggy.
- Your sock's seam is just thick enough to brush against your toe.
- Your elbow feels like you need to crack it for relief. It. Just. Won't. Crack.
- You're an adult and act like it.
- You have a mildly odd feeling in your stomach at all times—sometimes it flares up and you're somewhat concerned you're going to be nauseated.
- You hear the waiters cackle, shortly after you told the one serving you "you, too." When you push your silly paranoia away, you see the group pointing your way and laughing again.
- No matter what you do, you simply cannot find the right way to sit or lie.
You get papercuts way more often.
Also that little splinter gets under your nail way more often too.
Your soap always has a pubic hair on it when you get in the shower, even though you took it off last time.
Mobile phone screen protectors always have a bubble with a grain of sand in it.
Bike tire is always slowly leaking, but there is no discernable puncture.
Mobile phone volume controls are always next to the power button so whenever you want to adjust the volume, you lock the screen instead.
Kitchen sink drains slowly.
Petrol tank in the lawn mower and your petrol can are always empty when you need to cut the grass, so you have to go buy more before you can mow the lawn.
Whipper snipper line keeps breaking within 10s of starting, due to your awful couch grass.
Doorbell battery is always flat.
Driveway camera alerts always come through just as the delivery person is driving away with the package you needed to sign for.
Clothing on sale is always too small or too big.
Any clothes that fit when you buy them shrink in the wash.
Smoke alarm low battery chirps always start in the middle of the night, and you don't have any replacement batteries. Also, they are randomly between 5 and 10 minutes apart so it takes a long time to find which one has the low battery.
Your bread loaf is always mouldy before your weekly grocery shop.
When you want to eat them, bananas and avocados are always unripe, or all brown inside.
Apples have a 50% chance to be floury inside but you can't tell until you bite.
The person next to you on the train always has a cold.
Bus timetables don't line up with train timetables.
Red light cycles are timed so you get the red on each intersection unless you exceed the speed limit.
The sun is always low in the sky and in your eyes (directly or in the mirror), while driving to and from work.
Supermarket workers always give you the product that expires earliest when you order groceries for pickup.
The blanket is always in the wrong direction.
Your drinking water always tastes a bit off.
Your bank makes mistakes all the time.
Every time you begin to like an item it's mostly sold out.
Your social contacts forget what they said so they start anew often.
The weather forecasts are always way off.
When your glasses get fogged, they get fogged unevenly.
You always pick the slowest line to queue in
The chance of you biting your cheek is 51% each time you eat and you are guaranteed to keep biting the same place for max recovery time
Every charging cable you use has a loose connection that isn’t evident until later when you need to use your device and the battery is dead
Every time you eat something, some food getd stuck in your teeth and you can't get it out for hours.
Washing dishes, the cloth is always dirty
Every time you undo your seatbelt, the belf doesn't retract properly and you have to fiddle with it for ages, if you try getting out of the car you just get tangled in it
Infinite phone tree - Any choice takes you to the next menu tree but 50% chance to take you back to the start. The second menu tree just leads to an infinite array of phone menu trees, each with a 50% chance to go back to the beginning.
Or,
The land moves around at random. Your house (and everyone elses) might be somewhere one day, and in an hours time it's somewhere else. Good luck making a map.
Heck only has public toilets.
The stall door squeaks really loud.
The gaps between the door and the wall are nearly half an inch.
There's always skid marks in the bowl and the last person didn't flush.
There's piss dribbles on the seat.
The toilet paper dispenser gives out individual sheets by cranking a knob on the side.
The knob is hard to turn, and sticky.
There's a small puddle of piss on the floor between your feet where you drop your dacks.
You are only wearing socks because shoes are illegal in heck.
You have 4 minutes each day to do your poos.
They allocate your poo schedule, not you.
If you go over your allocated time, the floor opens up and you fall into actual hell.
In actual hell, you only get 2 minutes a day on the toilet.
The bimetallic strip in your rice cooker is always slightly off no matter how much you fiddle with it.
You're always stuck behing a tractor on small roads.
Your text editor randomly uses a whitespace character whenever you press space.
Everything is lighted with slightly old fluorescent tubes.
Obviously pointless deskwork and frequent sync meetings that always include non technical stakeholders.
Everyone sleeps on wonky old futons that haven't been properly maintained.
Food deserts.
Everyone lives in old non sound insulated krushchevkas with loud neighbours.
The landscape is an infinitely repeated template of an excessively concretised city.
Constant warm overcast weather with high humidity and still wind.
Everyone is always slightly sleep deprived.
The water is always slightly too chlorinated and it doesn't evaporate.
Every scratch ticket is a winner, but the prize is always less than the cost of the scratch ticket.
A single ear bud is always violently yanked out of one ear just before your favorite part of the song. There are no wireless earbuds, just the old cheapy wired kind with those black, foamy covers.
All gum sold has been chewed already
You're very tired nodding off and keep rereading the same page of a book over and over
every time there is a pause to what you listen to or think about, a random laugh track in your head follows after a short but unpredictable delay.
one of your nostrils is always clogged and runny. it can switch sides after some seconds of relief.
No email or chat. All work communication are through scheduled face to face meetings.
Every toilet clogs and overflows the water
Everytime you reach for the last cookie you find the bag empty.
Every floor and piece of furniture will be made of wood and randomly (and nearly always at the worst times) you will get splinters that you cant remove from your skin.
I was already in heck.
The answer to questions in YouTube titles isn't always "no" so you have to watch all that shit to get the answers.
You get to have your entire music playlist, but every song slowly shifts in and out of tune.
You have to eat cereal at every meal, but the milk goes from nice and cold to warm the moment you pour it, and the cereal also instantly turns soggy.
The only TV shows nothing but Calgary vs Vancouver hockey games. (actually this might be hell)
Having to listen to that one family member complain about their job and they tell you that it won't work when you give them the simple solution.
Two forks perpetually stuck together and you have an uncontrollable desire to separate them, but can't bring yourself to do it...
I'm curious who'll get why!
No matter how often you cut your fingernails, they are always just too long and there is always dirt under them.
One of the keys of your password to start the computer doesn't work, but it's always a different one each time.
Every time you want to take a nap, there's a leaf blower starting under your window.
