Good morning I pick the person.

I love these! My favorite one is, “if you were forced to shove a whole pineapple up your ass, as a matter of life and death, would you insert it top or bottom first?”

Keep in mind, you’ll need to get it back out once it’s in.

Bottom first. The leaves would serve as a flared end and a handle. You’d want it to be ripe-ish I imagine. Ripe enough to have a little give, but not ripe enough that the leaves come out too easily.
Pineapples also come in different sizes, I’ve seen some homegrown ones posted on Lemmy that seem…manageable.
- Just keep in mind that the hard, pointed spikes on the outside face up, so you’ll be pulling it out against them.
  If you do top first you get the harder part over with, and then have plenty of blood to lubricate the way out.
- I feel like you've given this an unusual amount of thought
Phrasing it like that means death is still a choice.
Keep in mind, you’ll need to get it back out once it’s in.
Why's that?
With or without leaves?
- With of course
death
Well I know what I'm going to think about all morning now.
- As long as the manner of death is quick enough and relatively painless, I don't have to even give it a second thought.
I mean, if it has to go in whole, does it need to come out whole? Or can we cut that bitch up once it's in?
- Additional tools are not allowed. You’re welcome to attempt to crush it with your pelvic floor muscles.
I like the body swap sex one. would you rather have sex with your SO in your respective parent's body, or your parent in your SO's body.
- :(

The roaches. At least you know their true nature, not surprising to find them there and, in days of high frustration, one can go up and stomp a few for that crunchy sound of bug demise.

No way, you won't be able to get the roaches out nearly as easy as the person
- Poison. The house will be uninhabitable for a week, but they’ll be gone.
Sounds like you've never had the misfortune of being somewhere with a roach infestation.
- Or maybe they already have a roach infestation because they live in filth and don't care.
- Ive dealt with a few though, its not really as bad or as hard as most people think. Its just about being thorough and sustained, you arent going to get them all in one hit. It just takes a few months of regularly repeating the basics of bombing, baits and spray.
- People can get sick from roach feces from just a few roaches, especially if you have asthma; having 1000 would be really bad
Dude, roaches can fly...
- Depends on the ambient temperature, no? I was under the understanding that roaches don't typically fly in northern states because it's colder.
Personally, I’d go for the person. Roach phobia entirely not factoring in here.
My attic is over a detached garage. If someone can access that space somehow, and wants to live there, whatever. It’s roomy enough to be fairly comfortable, tho you can’t stand up straight, and it’s insulated with electric outlets, so I’m not suuuuper likely to find a frozen person in spring. Not great, but as long as they don’t leave a mess or whatever, meh, doesn’t harm me any beyond electrical use. I probably wouldn’t even find out about it for a long time, since I never go up there; the ladder is duct-taped where it cracked at some point, and I can’t be bothered to replace it.
Roaches, however, would not stay contained to the garage. That’s a deal-breaker.

Only a hard choice if you've never dealt with roaches. 1000 roaches is enough to convince me that the house would never be free of them ever, roaches are incredible in the way they survive and thrive. Unless you made sure you killed every single last one and their offspring, you ain't getting rid of them.

You can kill one person. You can’t kill 1000 roaches.

Bro, it's not a CEO, they have human rights.
- But what if they are 🧐
- not for long

How wide is your urethra that a roach can fit up there?

I’ve had roaches before. I’d pick the person 10 out of 10 times.

Same.

You can solve both problems by throwing 5 bug bombs in there

It's my understanding that gel works better, that bug bombs just make them scatter to other units if you live in an apartment building.
- It's hard to apply the gel as they may fight back, but gassing them is a better bet, unless they have a gasmask. But in that case I guess they may also have a knife, so the gel is still a nogo.

person, though a much more difficult encounter it'd probably cost nothing to get them out of there, and the likehood of them coming back is much lower. all it'd take for the roaches to come back is the exterminator missing 2 or 4 of them

Honestly depending on the person I'd probably just let them live there. The attic is unused and all people deserve not to sleep outside
it'd probably cost nothing to get them out of there
Depending on where you are, it might be impossible.
One female roach can lay millions of eggs.

Depends on the person....

oh yeah, i would let David Attenborough live in my attic any day of the week.

Punctuation exists.

Not in this Twitterverse.

A few hundred dollars will take care of the roach problem

The human is the biggest wild card situation yet and you're immediately going into fight or flight no matter what

A person, unless the way I found out is they're trying to murder me and/or my family.

Unless the person is there to kill me they win easily

Call police they leave issue solved.

Tell me you're not black without telling me you're not black
- Oh absolutely, the person's relationship with the police definitely matters.

Um person, absolutely no question.

At least I might be able to reason with them and offer food and comfort. Roaches are just like "hey there, see you in your ventilation system!".

as someone that has a person living in their attic ... FOR FREE, RUPERT ... I would say neither.

Person. Charge retroactively for rent

A dead person, preferably - although it would be a little surprising for me as I live in a new-build.

On second thought, using that caveat 1000 dead roaches would be better.
How many people did the construction crew start and end with.... If it's a difference of one....
- I guess they were in a rush to finish before Christmas (we moved in on Christmas Eve). Also, I've never actually opened the loft hatch...
Mob owned construction company
Better check your foundation too

A person because if they've been living in my attic then they must be harmless. Still calling the cops though.

Until they feel threatened by you finding them.

1000 persons.

Easy, roaches. I assume there are already at least 1000 in my attic.

May I give you the numbers of local exterminators?

how friendly is the person?

Average. The roaches are also average friendliness.
- Do they chip in for rent?

But what would happen to the person if they're not in my attic? I wouldn't want them to get run over by a trolley.

1000 half burned joints please.

Person, easy

If I hadn't noticed them before now, then they're a spectacular neighbor

Person, easily. 1k roaches means i'm bound to find another 1k all around the house on the following weeks.

Dead or alive?

At least I know how to kill the roaches and dispose of the bodies. Plus, no one cares if I kill the roaches.

Person. Odds are that they’re not as bad as media has been trying to convince us that we are; that said, 1k(⁴) cockroaches can still be managed with enough effort

Roaches don't survive in my climate, bring 'em on. (Also, millennials have no idea what it's like to own a home so what's an "attic"?)

Person

Maybe if it was 10 roaches?

Person otherwise

Do we even know if this person has outside connections?

Maybe I can hire them pennies on the dollar

I would force them to do the work that I loathe doing when I web Dev, repeatedly making pages or posts or whatever, they get a home and wage I get to live happy