You are a program
You are a program
rOzeclawz Follow 2d ago
what the fuck makes phone apps so cocky as to send me notifications telling me to use it. my grocery list app straight up went "you havent made a list in a while!" are you out of your fucking mind. you are a program. why are you speaking to me like youre my equal. i could replace you with a pen and the back of a receipt. idiot. i kill you now
similar energy:
It makes me more angry that it should that Alexa talks back to me when I ask it to do stuff.
“NOW CONNECTED TO YOUR PHONE!”
YES I FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE YOU MADE THE BEEPING NOISE YOU MAKE AND THAT’S OK BUT DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME
The only ground i will give in this argument is when my headphones tell me the battery is low.
I don't like those either. I like the tones the airpods use. A single beep has no intrinsic meaning. But the tone it uses for low battery is as intuitive as it can get. Also if you don't speak English the voice is just as useless as the tone. Especially if it's something like this.
That said my friend has a headset that announces "mic on" and "mic off" and we get far too much enjoyment out of mocking it saying my cock.
"Duh bruuthooth bwattery ish wunnin row"
I have this as a sticker on my water bottle
The worst are apps that send ads through notifications.
That's an instant uninstall for me
The worst is when an otherwise great app does that! And they also send really important notifications too, so you can’t just disable notifications!
You forgot the ones that decide they need to play their own sounds to accompany the notification.
It took exactly one time of the Taco Bell app making my phone do their stupid bong sound for me to swear off taco bell for life.
I’m looking at you ESPN
Any app that does shit like that immediately loses notification privileges. At the very least. If it's something that I don't need (thanks for reminding me, app), then I will just remove it.
I wish there was a more punitive option. Like, yeah, I disallowed notifications, but I also had a leaky gallon of liquid shit delivered to the CEO's home.
The most punitive thing you can do is give it a 1 star review.
As it so happens it's also the nicest thing you can do for everybody else since it makes it less likely people will download that app.
No application should have this privilege by default. I only gives it to apps that can't work without it.
It's the only thing worse than getting interrupted using the app asking for me to review it
Three seconds after you start it for the 1st time
"You are right, I'm not using you. Uninstalled."
Don't forget to leave a 1-star review!
This is why on newer Android versions you can just flat out reject being allowed to send notifications.
I will talk to you when I need it, not the other way around.
I had no idea people didn't do this! First notification I get from an app that isn't some form of messaging, straight to settings and turn off notifications.
People are getting notifications from news apps. Apart from actual World War Fuckin Three, what possible news story could be worth being disturbed by your phone for?!?
Well before the current Android version, you had to manually go into the settings of the app or your phone to disable them. Now you get this on first boot of the app:
This makes it a lot easier to reject them immediately
My phone hasn’t made a sound in years. It’s hard on silent and all notifications* go to my watch so it can tap my wrist quietly and politely. _ *I say “all”, but it’s calls, messages, and reminders. General purpose apps aren’t allowed to talk to me.
This. I shut off all notifications from nearly all of my apps. Primary text app, phone app, and just a couple of others. I may temporarily allow them for a special purpose, but once that's over they all get silenced and I get to them when I get to them. I hate badge notifications, too. So, those are off for EVERYTHING. Grad school cemented that aversion.
"You haven't given us your data in a while!"
Sometimes I put directions into Maps for a work thing and I have to be there before the location opens to the public and when I put the address in, before it will give me directions, the app says, "HEY, THE PLACE YOU'RE GOING MIGHT NOT BE OPEN, JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW, STUPID ASSHOLE."
It makes me unreasonably(?) furious.
I get this happen to me too, but honestly it feels like a feature that helps more people than it annoys the rest. Even though I'm among those annoyed
Driving somewhere unknown, I need gas..."hey phone, take me to the nearest gas station" "okay, here's a tiny list of gas stations to choose from, please click the one you want"
Hands free navigation at its finest.
Maybe you wouldn't have that problem if you didn't burn gasoline. Seems like a sensible solution to the safety concern too.
And then it asks you if the gas station you want is one 8 hours away, instead of the one 3 minutes from your current location. This has happened to me many times.
I changed my first name in part because of this kind of nonsense. In the old days companies would refer to you as Mr. Surname, these days they're gross and chummy. Stay in your lane, we're not friends, you can use my paperwork name that I have no emotional connection to.
I'm using more and more "master" as a first name online. That helps a lot.
I'm taking this idea, thank you!
A most excellent idea, my liege.
Hey Flamekebab, why aren't you meeting your commitment to practice swahili for 40 minutes a day :(
App developers should learn that the "Maybe later" button makes me delete their app.
Yes or no.
It increases engagement and that's what the developer wants, especially if there are ads or purchases in the app. So you might hate it but it works.
Damn engagers, ruining it for the rest of us.
The only engagement it gets after an unwanted notification is the uninstall button.
Is it easy to prove it works?
In the end, the proof is the developer's income. They seem to think it's worth it on average. Of course the average public contains a bunch of people who want to help out that nice Nigerian prince.
Turn on "do not disturb" permanently. That's what I did
Setting my phone to silent semi-permanently was a great decision. The sound of sensation of buzzing has become something I dread. Do not "ping" at me, machine. I will check for messages when I am bored, and no sooner!
I hate how app send notifications constantly now. It's gotten to the point where I'll just uninstall it if it annoys me.
I've muted 95% of all apps from being able to notify me.
On top of that I'll sometimes put them entirely to sleep when I'm not using them. You get zero background privileges. I don't need you running in the background updating crap, when I only need to use you a few times a year.
Free apps aren't made for you.
I don't know why you were down oted but it's true. Free apps exist solely to take your data.
I mean if you take a look into f-droid a lot of free apps that are tracking free and perfect to use. So there are apps that are free and good to use.
On the Play store, maybe.
I AM A DIVINE BEING
DATA me NEED DATA
the only apps that are allowed to speak to me are messengers, weather, and my bank. Nothing else has speaking privileges.
Lol, I would never allow my bank app to speak to me. "Dude, you're broke as f***!". I know, no need to announce it on a full bus.
was thinking more "hey you just got your paycheque :)" and "someone in Cambodia is trying to access your banking account"
"OK, adding pen and paper to your shopping list."
The only apps that can give me notifications are my messenging app my phone app and my email app. The rest get notifications blocked on install.
I just usually instantly revoke notification priviliges for any app that sends me a notification i don't like
Sad reality is that most things want to get you hooked and engaged in some way or another. Heck, even websites show you native device notifications now if you allow them, but I guess it's easier for an app to get you to agree to that, even if the app is just a website wrapper...
This came up a few weeks ago. It helps retention, which helps app store ranking.
My tablet for some unknown reason sends me messages about my phone and cable bill being due. Like not an email notification but a separate notification out of nowhere and I can't figure out how to turn it off. I removed my cable app from the tablet thinking it'd do it, but it still happens. Like fuck off, I know I owe you an exorbitant amount of money.