This is the way

The last one is plain cheating

I get 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I can tell you I don't feel well rested any day

Clearly we need to be eating 100% chocolate to get 100% energy.

make it dark chocolate if you're looking for dark energy. checkmate physicist
- Ok, now you gonna tell me that dark chocolate is made of dark matter?
think that's called baker's chocolate

I'm starting to think it's physically impossible to get enough sleep to where your not tired when you wake up.

I have a sleep tracker and it keeps saying, "girl, you're the best at sleeping, getting the 8 hours, getting the REM, going to bed and waking up at consistent times, blood oxygen maybe a little lower than usual but if there was a sleep competition you'd easily be top 100!"
But yet I still feel like death in the morning

Can't tell you the amount of times someone has acted astonished when I tell them I drink coffee because I genuinely like it—i just drink it in the morning because if I drank it later it'd keep me awake.

A lot of people drink it purely to stay awake and I do not get that. Get some caffeine pills or something.

I don't take pills unless I get them from a vetted dealer.
- You dont take the gas station mystery pills?
Have you considered decaf?
- I have drank it in the past, but there's multiple other people who drink coffee in the house and I'm rarely the one to buy it. I also find that when I have to ability to drink coffee as much as I want throughout the day, I drink a lot of creamer and end up dehydrated XD
- 999 👿 ABOMINATION! 👹 666
Maybe they drink shitty coffee? A good coffee tastes great
There are disadvantages to caffeine pills:
it's a pill and feels more medical and unnatural than drinking a bean soup
it's easy to accidentally overdose and cause serious damage to yourself

Wait, what's this about 90% chocolate? I like chocolate.

Dark chocolate has some caffeine, but if you're used to coffee don't expect it to do much. 90% at least if you want any effect. I just enjoy it for the cocoa, never really notice the caffeine bc I'm used to a big rush from coffee.
- Its the bitter that wakes in this case.
But maybe not 90%, it’s super bitter
- I mean it's not milk chocolate, but it's tasty enough on its own. Really good if eaten with a cup of coffee.
  It's not like as bitter as the "Baker's Chocolate" that you found in your aunt's cupboard.
Sounds like an Awake Bar maybe?
Come on op, what's the other 10%??
- Cocaine it's always cocaine.
- Sugar

There aren't enough hours of sleep for me to go to uni for 8 hours, then go to work for 8 hours and not feel like a mess.

Oversleeping can also cause tiredness
Have a light automatically turn on after approximately 9 hours. Waking up from gradual light is much better than waking up from sound.

If only sleep made me rested

That's why I no longer sleep
- man, i wish

buddy i get like 10+ hours of sleep, it does jack shit.

Oversleeping can cause fatigue as well
- How about we stop pretending that “well rested” actually exist?
- yeah but how do i get out of bed when it physically hurts to even think about moving my pinky finger in the morning? i have to sleep like 10 hours for that to go away.
Sleep apnea? Or possibly just too much sleep
- i mean i doubt it since my diet is very varied and contains a lot of both meat and veggies, but i guess i might as well try it.

There is another way, but it's a pathway to abilities some consider to be unnatural...

Are you a sniff lord?

Number 4 is unfair. It's not for lack of trying...

Have you tried not trying?

I get enough sleep. I still feel sleepy all the time

I should go see a doctor, but naaah

Im that way. I had a worker say I was like a lion. I can be intense and active for quite a few hours but I can only keep it up so long and then I lose it and its all fatigue.
Strictly speaking, it's not just about the time but also about the quality of sleep, so gotta get that right, too

I will never understand people who think that energy drinks are better than black coffee...

I don't like the taste of coffee so I'd prefer energy drinks.
I don't do energy drinks, but sometimes I need something sweet like Coke or some chocolate, over acidic coffee. Although, I don't really do black coffee much either.
Its 2 different things, one is a sugar rush the other one is caffeine. You could argue you could use them for the same goals but the calories you get from energy drinks are way more.
If you need to run for miles, better the energy drink, if you need to drive, better the caffeine
- There's no such thing as a sugar rush, it's a myth. Energy drinks do contain caffeine in arguably lower quantities.
- 99% of the energy drinks I drink are sugar free and contains like 3 cal a serving lol
- Never in my life have I experienced sugar rush. Always thought it was a myth, until my partner told me about the kids in her class. Apparently it's real
Coffee has no calories. Red Bull is full of sugar which is actual energy.
I love coffee, but sometimes sugar is more effective than just caffeine
- It all depends on the time you consume it.
  Caffeine fills the receptors in your brain that adenosine would fill, and that when filled naturally it tells your brain that you have been awake for a while and need to sleep. So caffeine really helps to prevent feeling tired.
  (A side note, but I think that it is so damn cool how that works: ATP, adenosine triphosphate, is processed releasing the "phosphate" part to be use in the energy cycle and the adenosine that is left over is kinda used like a record of how much energy you've processed, so after a while of processing energy you naturally have a way of saying "I should rest now." Caffeine blocks that from happening for a while.)
  Sugar eventually is processed as glucose which is just straight up energy for your brain, so that helps when you're already tired and need a kick in the pants.
  I'm just a nerd for science so I might have some of the details messed up, but from what I remember this is kinda how it all works.
I had skipped black coffee and moved temporarily to energy drinks during hot days. Not too bad, but yeah nothing beats black coffee.
- I love black coffee. Why not try a cold brew coffee? Making a batch in the fridge for 48 hours can make it really strong!

This is mostly accurate. (Except for the fact that coffee and energy drinks need to be switched.) I only need to drink coffee in the morning if I can't sleep properly. On a regular day, I only drink some in the afternoon, and thats too only because I just like drinking coffee.

I contemplated the order a little but then decided to focus on the punchline

Where does staying awake by willpower fall?

Did not fit into the picture, way-way down

As a father of a small child, I feel personally attacked by the last point.

Same, but I also know it's my own fault because of revenge bedtime procrastination.
- And it is our own fault because of unprotected sex with the aim of reproduction. Nonetheless.
- Huh, is it how it's called?
Stage 5: get a baby and stay up all night listening to the wailing

Caffeine pills

Intravenous meth

I used to think that I was just great at finding ways to get enough sleep while staying up late on the weekend.

Now that I have an infant, though...

Funny enough, half the reason I'm not getting enough sleep anymore is just so I can have some time to myself.

Can relate
Two infants for me. This weekend I am alone in a hotel just to get some undisturbed sleep.

I can't believe no one's mentioned tea. I still drink coffee, but I've replaced my second cup of the day with a pot of green tea, and I'm really into it! For one, it lasts longer than a cup of coffee. And it's warming in the cold months, and refreshing in the hot months.

Well, tea contains caffeine, so I guess they are being lumped together. I prefer tea because its easier on my tummy.
- I like strong caffeinated beverages so I like coffee unless it's yerba mate or something but I LOVEEEEE non caffeinated herbal teas a couple hours before bed.
I love tea, too. So do you have coffee in the morning and then green tea during lunch?
- Yeah exactly that. I usually bring the teapot back to my desk (office work) after lunch, and then pour myself little cups over the next hour or so.

Whenever I drink coffee or energy drinks I become more physically tired than I was before 🫡

That is typical for people with ADHD.
- In my experience it's a bell curve rather than just a depressant. Most adhd people I know need coffee to wake up in the morning, but crash if they drink too much of it/other caffeine products.

Fr. Adequate sleep is amazing.

If the bottom one actually worked, I wouldn’t do the top three.

I can't sleep after the coffee, energy drinks, and chocolate bar. This is a flawed plan.

My ADHD methodology involves getting good sleep (a lifelong challenge that took me more than thirty years to figure itself) followed by huge amounts of caffeine as zero calorie energy drinks to take the place of prescription stimulants. I also have low blood pressure. So I'm like a whole new person once I've eaten and medicated, but I need a long time to wake up and come around to my full performance level.

8 go the sleeping on the job route myself.

Hopefully you're not in trucking or taxi driving
- Oh no, I'm a pilot so it's okay.

Well they left out the High IQ move below sleep...smoke crack

Drink a gallon of water to stay awake

What if you're a bedwetter?
- Free yummy

Tell that my brain.

Hey, MonkDerZweite's brain: Get an appropriate amount of sleep!
- Thanks!
  Brain: "Ok! ...wait, let me just finish this and this..."

Cocain, I do. Sleep is for the weak.

The problem is that I did the first three just before bedtime

You won't have bedtime

First of all... how dare you.

Fuck off with this bullshit. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Sad but true

Needs a 5th enlightened brain with "Doing meth". Who needs sleep when there's hard drugs?

but, cocaine

He said energy drink
https://drinkcocaine.com/

Sadly, my body won’t stay asleep for the entire duration.

My sleep schedule is so f up.

Pumping lines of Adderall-Laced Cocaine

🤯✨🎆🎇

Wait, dark chocolate keeps you awake?

Works for me, but it has to be at least 70%

Chocolate will not keep you awake. It will only exacerbate things

I don't know, man, if I eat enough dark chocolate it really pumps me up

my insomnia leaving my body when someone tells me "just sleep enough lmao"

I wish it was that easy⁠ ⁠ • ︵ ,•

Not even going to mention highly caffinated naps?

Those are the best, you feel more tired when you wake up.
- you feel more tired when you wake up.
  Yep, just like normal sleep. It just gets worse every day.

Combining the top 3 = SYNERGY! ✨

Don’t tell me how to live my life

You've come to the right place

It's almost 8 am and I haven't slept

Night shift?
- Nah I'm in college. Just having really bad relationship issues rn. You can check my post history if your curious but I also just have chronic insomnia so the two fuck me up together

Check, check, check, and check!

I'm not there, yet.