JeSUS
JeSUS
76 comments
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As the WORD of God he's the source of Proverbs and Song of Solomon so....
Her: Dark am I, yet lovely, because I am darkened by the sun - Song of Solomon 1
so.. tanned
works with eager hands... her arms are strong for her tasks - Proverbs 31
... toned forearms ..
Her: Like an apple[c] tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste - Song of Solomon 2
... not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital fellatio ...
Her: strengthen me with raisins
... .... ... nutrition aware(?) ...
Her: I am ... a lily of the valley .... My beloved ... browses among the lilies
... not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital cunnilingus ... (see also 4:16)
Him: Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. 3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely - Song of Solomon 4
... mysterious eyes ... flowing hair ... no missing teeth (lol) ... red lips ...
Him: Your breasts are like two fawns
... young(?), pert, nimble breasts ...
Him: You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water
... looks at camera ...
Her: Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere
... ... my bro was definitely into some sensory stuff ...
Her: My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. - Song of Solomon 5
(authors of erotic lit take note, this is your lord and god speaking)
Him: I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. - Song of Solomon 6
... so .. pubescent? hey, could be worse ...
Him: Your graceful legs are like jewels - Song of Solomon 7
... legs guy! ...
Him: Your breasts are like two fawns
... breasts again! ...
Him: your breasts like clusters of fruit
... breasts mention number 3 ...
Him: May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine
... #4 ....
breasts ... like towers - Song of Solomon 8
... #5 ...
I think you can draw your own conclusions.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk
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I want to commend you for some sort of prize. I can't upvote twice but I would if I could. Nice!
p.s
I'm going to take a risk and say the comparison to fawns implies not very big breast but well defined and not very much parted.
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By my very fundamentalist upbringing, this was all supposedly a metaphor for God's love of the nation of Israel. Which is exactly the sort of "reading between the lines" that they said you weren't supposed to do.
It's not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don't know how.
no missing teeth (lol)
More remarkable than you think without modern dental care.
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It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.
hans landa: that's a bingo
also, not even necessarily horny, just far far less prudish, all the sensory stuff associated with sex was just far more normal
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Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.
Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.
Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?
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Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.
Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.
This is probably the imagery... (except dark mountain goats)
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.
Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?
More likely good health and youth to be honest, elsewhere he says her breath smells of apples (in a good way lol)..
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Well, in those times they didn't really have dentists, so having all one's pearly whites in a adulthood was not common.
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He was homosexual based on all his male buddies he liked to have dinner with. So, definitely an ass lover.
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Unsurprising, he was hung too.
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His best buddy was super hung. You can't tell me the J-man didn't know about his fellow J's swinging.
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More resigned to it. Has to close his eyes and think of England.
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He did carry around some pretty large wood.
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Well, Christ came riding upon an ass, so I think this is an easy question to answer
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This is aphobic. Asexuals are human too.
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He seemed like the kind of guy who'd be into thighs tbh
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Definitely a member of the thighdeology sect
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We call it thighentology around these parts
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Long hair, glamorous face, skinny ripped body? Jesus was a twink.
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I second the boob analysis (ass myself). The whole having his feet washed and with their hair means he was probably looking down the shirt. An ass man would have them washing their own feet. Of course, it could be neither and just a foot fetish thing instead.
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The last sentence got me.
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tells about a fragment of a manuscript of an apocryphal gospel that says
Aren't those Gnostic texts and therefore not Christian cannon?
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Considering this is the middle east were talking about, he'd be an ankle/feet man
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That's why he always wanted to wash them
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Was there not a passage about how he washed feet or something?
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He could be asexual who doesn't experience sexual desire at all. I mean just possibility
I know asexuality is spectrum and not everyone experiences sexual desires same way.
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Assuming the Catholic you're talking to recognizes asexuality exists. It's funny that accepting asexuality is a way out of blasphemy here though.
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Funnier that they demand their priests be celibate but don't recognize asexuality. Like, what do they think is happening with priests who aren't getting caught in sex scandals? Sure some of them probably just have more willpower, but I'm willing to bet money that many of them are just asexual and never had to think about it or identify that way because they were instead celibate for their faith.
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Could he not have been ace?
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Boobs? Ass? Ew. He was clearly a dong man. That whole bit about parting the sea? He actually just whipped out his gigantic cock and created a bridge with it.
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Pretty sure that was a different guy. Both had giant dongs they could part water with, but the Red Sea was definitely Moses.
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I thought "parting the Sea" was a euphemism for spreading some bussy?
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I'm pretty sure Paul had the celibacy fetish and introduced the sex=bad element to the dogma. Some scholars even suggest that was his thing since the other gods were sex positive. (At least toward men getting laid.)
Post biblcal Christianity was informed, in part, by Hellenic philosophical traditions, which were apollonian in nature. Women's sexuality was on the dionysian side.
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It's a tough question, to be sure. I mean, we can look through the book for hints about it here and there, but I think the best way is to look at the followers who are closest to him. That said... Pedophile. Jesus was definitely a pedophile.
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I'm not criticizing your conclusion, I just want to know how you got there xD
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It doesn't matter 'cause it would be a miracle if he brought a lady home.
Because while Jesus was prayin'
Fuckin' Craig was layin'
Every lady in the testament
You know what I'm sayin'
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Jesus was a boob man. boobs are bearer of nourishment and a symbol of motherhood.
The ass is from the devil.
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Amen
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Homie travelled alone with twelve guys that he loved and they truly loved him back. He never made a pass at Mary Magdalene, and when Judas sold him out he sealed Jesus's fate with a kiss.
Jesus was definitely an ass man.
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Dick. Jesus was gay.
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Most carpenters I've ever known were more boobs men
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jesus is an ass man. seen stickers making this statement.
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Breasts, there's a lot of art made of Christ being breastfed.
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Wait a minute. Since how long do we have books?
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Ufff... these were not the most advanced societies at the time (not philosophically, not technologically, not culturally, not in any meaningful way):
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Boobs, because he loves looking down on us
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The both, why not?
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After eating Thai and Mexican back to back, I do recall a snip in the new testament decrying his asshole as the gateway to hell. Never heard about him speaking poorly of tits.
My money's on he was a boobs guy.
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Someone should ask Biff.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamb:_The_Gospel_According_to_Biff,_Christ%27s_Childhood_Pal
(It is such a good and very funny book.)
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What is this question😭
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It's always a weird question to me. Every time I see boobs, there is an ass attached to the same person. Both is the way
76 comments
This post comes up every so often, and every time either I, or someone else, reminds people that one of the Bible's biggest stories is that of Jesus washing Mary Magdalene's feet. Mary Magdalene was a "street walker" at the time, which is old times speak for hooker, thus making him a feet guy
He washed all the disciples feet ;)
Maybe it was like a Tarentino thing. You work with this guy for years and feet keep coming up so one day you ask him and he's like "yeah ok, I've got a foot thing but it's a personal thing" and you leave it at that but then you remember at the start of your career doing foot photos with him and you're too embarrassed to ask but you always wonder..
No, washing feet was a common thing - they wore sandals or walked barefoot most of the time, it was a common hygiene practice. It was just a task for "submissive"-classed people - the wife would wash the husband's feet, and so on.
Jesus was subverting social norms in multiple ways.
Agreed he had an obsession with washing peoples feet. As I see it, as an evolved and enlightened human he was probably a pan sexual with a feet washing fetish
There are claims that the translation of the bible is wrong on this though.
https://bycommonconsent.com/2006/01/24/weird-ot-euphemisms-uncovering-the-feet/#:~:text=A%20good%20example%20of%20this,part%20of%20a%20euphemistic%20expression.)
In short, feet might mean genitalia. I really have no opinion on it, but it makes a lot of sense. The purpose of even describing the submissive act of washing feet aligns well with the old Greek teacher and pupil relationships to present Jesus as a stand up guy who will go down on anybody, men or women, regardless of their status. He took your sins and such.
The message is the same anyway, so I suppose it has been whitewashed a bit throughout the years.
The reason why I want to believe it is that it would also explain why he was so popular that contemporary writers would bother writing anything about him.
You gotta be careful though, because the Bible basically called every woman that is featured in it a whore. A lot of this is actually more modern translation stuff, clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description
clerics when they see a woman:
Holy shit they were based in 500 AD?
There's nothing that points to Mary Magdalene being a prostitute. She's conflated with another character who was, but they aren't directly connected in the text.