And then what happened?
That must be really hard for you.
Wow. You don’t deserve that.
How do you feel about it now?
Ugh. That sounds awful.
You’re handling this better than I would.
How do you even respond to that?
Tell me about it.
What can I do to help?
You’ve got this, but I’m here.Edit: I wrote the above to illustrate how many options there are in the parlance of active listening. The formula is simple: imagine how they feel and join their side or, if you can’t yet imagine, ask questions until you can. That’s it.
Legend
Look at mister "I leave the basement twice a week" over here
In the land of the
blindawkward theone eyedI dunno less awkward I guess man is king
Thanks, man. I needed that.
Awesome list! Much better than a list I would make 🙂
I would just change slightly the “What can I do to help?” (That is a call for a “nothing”) to “How can I help?” (That shows much more enthusiasm in wanting to help)
Hey thanks! I like that phrasing better. Less perfunctory, more sincere.
Haha So True!
👍
Haha so true!
Haha so true!
Haha, glad I learnt of this parody journal. There's also the Journal of Immaterial Science for anyone interested.
That sucks. Definitely push the last one. This happened to me one time in band camp
That sucks but this reminds me of...
...and that's how I became king of the pirates, well anyways you should invest into my NFT cryptoAI trust me bro this gonna go to the moon!
Good thing he has three things to push all the buttons with......
"Frankly, you brought this all on yourself" usually resolves it quickly, in my experience.
That sucks.
Hello, we'd like to offer you a position as police chief in a neighborhood that will statistically have a school shooting soon.
"That's rough, buddy" is my goto.
"my first girlfriend turned into the moon"
I'm more of a "well, shit" guy myself.
Or maybe ask what they need from you? Just a thought.
It works spectacularly well with people you're close to or on very good terms with.
If my other half is kicking off about something, a quick "hey listen, are you wanting help to fix this or are you wanting to vent like fuck to feel a bit better?"
It's rarely the former, though I'd be more than happy to help if it was. At least then I can let her rage out and decompress without throwing in unwanted suggestions.
Probably comes across as a bit blunt to people you don't know well though.
Glad my wife and I aren't the only ones. It's frustrating to explain why proposed solutions won't work while already worked up over stressful bullshit. Sometimes there just aren't real solutions. Sometimes you just need to open a pressure relief valve for a minute so you can have a little reset and be better equipped to tackle the mountain of bullshit.
Whatcha want from me?
Empathize, "I can imagine how much that must have hurt, I'm sorry you had to deal with that"
“I can’t say I would’ve known what to do, had I been in your position.”
“I can only imagine what that must have been like for you, which understandably likely isn’t of much consolation to you.”
“It would be disingenuous of me to presume to know what it was like for you to have experienced what you endured, but I am happy to listen to what you have to say, if you wish to tell me.”
"Cool story, bro"
The most sarcastic, yet relatable response to any conversation not involving you (or me).
"That's rough buddy."
Thanks zuko
4: "I can help you hide the body if you want."
“What can I do to help?”
That sucks.
"Cool story bro, did I ever tell you about that time I took an arrow to the knee?..."
"You know as someone who grew up with no food and a dirt floor I can relate. Growing up my mother died and I was often beaten by my father."
Relateable, I once had a blanket that didn't totally cover me. Toes or shoulder coverage only. We are truly brothers in suffering
Lol that's basically a therapist, minus the second option.
You might need to try a different therapist.
"that's crazy"
I can't tell whether this is supposed to be advice on what to do or not. I can certainly see people getting upset at all of them for putting your feelings and perspective at the forefront however.
"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."
"It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse... Would you like a pen? I have a spare one. ...Please take it."
I'm so sorry, here, it's Cradle of Filth. It got me through some pretty bleak times.
Tell a related story is best choice because it shows that you really feel what that person is coming through since you've came through similar situation yourself
that's what neurodivergent people do to show sympathy - very often unknowingly. folks sometimes think we do that to get the attention for ourselves, but it's just a long winded way of saying "i understand what you feel, you're not alone in your pain"
I learned this a few years ago and my mind was blown because I'm autistic and this is indeed my instinct. I have also found that neurodivergent people are more likely to respond positively to an anecdote.
Neurotypical people tend to react better to "reflective listening" — basically the "it sucks" button, but more expanded. Like if someone is venting about something, I might say "That sounds really frustrating", or similar. It feels like playing conversational ping pong where I'm not an active participant in the rally, but just reacting to my conversation partner's shots.
I don't tend to find reflective listening especially helpful if I'm the recipient of it (I cope with problems differently), so it blew my mind when I was trying to support a friend with these techniques and they ended the conversation by thanking me for the support, and they really needed that. It baffled me because I hadn't felt like I'd said anything really at all, besides just reflecting stuff back at them, which felt sort of like small talk but even more superficial. But nah, turns out that different people find different kinds of support helpful. The_More_You_Know.jpg
But then you are making this about yourself. Stealing the show. Reaping all the sympathy.
When is only you and your friend in evening near the grill, then i don't know which sympathy i stole, i mean men truly open up very rarely and often in very small circle or even only to one person, so you have to show some compassion in these moments
So you say the initial cry's a show?
All of them, this is a QuickTime event. You have to feel out what they're looking for. You have to hit the buttons in order and with the right timing
First - that sucks. Show empathy and active listening, see if they have more to say. Let them get it out
Next - you have to decide, are they more upset, or more stressed
Upset - story time, show sympathy. Keep it light on the details, and don't try to draw comparisons - keep it at the emotional level.
Then advice time - again, keep it brief and vagueStressed - advice, lay out options rapid fire and see if they latch onto any. If they don't, story time - tell them about similar situations, without drawing emotional comparisons, where you got past it more easily than expected
Gotta find a non-patronizing way to ask if they need help, a hug, or to be heard.
That's the answers for the attention hogs
"Be careful how you treat people when you're on top, they're the ones you need to catch you if you fall"
