There are more appropriate ways to say this:
"Nobody with kids. I might want kids some day, but I'm not ready yet, and it feels like there would be too much pressure to either be involved with her kids or be cut out of a major portion of her life until we're really serious. And again, not ready.
And somebody athletic, since I'm into biking and hiking and other activities that require a certain level of fitness.
And... well, somebody who isn't into the whole casual sex thing, honestly. I think sex is special and, for me, requires a strong emotional connection. I want someone who has similar views on sex."
See, I feel like it changes it when you're not focusing on the other person, but yourself. I'm not ready for kids, I'm into fitness, I'm a demisexual. It sets up the same thing without disparaging people who aren't what you're looking for.
I'll first say that from a social standpoint it makes sense to focus on yourself when asked that. But the person asked "tell me what you look for in a girl". You would have to be pretty damn masterful at thinking on your feet to take that question and immediately flip your answers into I statements. Especially if you're anon and obviously don't get asked things like this a lot.
No kids is a common wish although the reason for it can make or break how fine it is to have.
My guess is that anon is overweight, and the person they were talking to was thinking of friends they had that were overweight and were great people.
Anon betrayed that their preference was a bit delusional and/or didn't understand that it can take work to be in shape and takes it for granted that women should be expected to be fit for him without him having to do anything. That's a pretty sour fart of an opinion.
The no dating apps thing is pretty cringe. And could certainly make you seem like a pariah to most people. It definitely betrays a sense of superiority if it's in your top 3 dating requirements. I feel like anon knowing the word demisexual is slim to none but that would be the best thing you could say.
Actually my guess is that this is fake and anon is just stirring the hate mongering pot.
My only gripe with this is that nobody should have to defend themself for not wanting kids. If you don't want kids then you don't want kids and should be able to just leave it at that.
Nobody SHOULD have to explain anything. So it's okay to not do it. but if you're on a date, where you're trying to put yourself out there and establish at least a friendly relationship, you probably want to be cordial and share your thoughts on the matter. Instead of just shutting down mid-date.
I don't consider it a defense, exactly. It's more clarification. Just saying "no kids" might suggest he doesn't want kids ever, which would reduce the potential partners unnecessarily (and if he does want kids eventually, being paired with someone specifically because they don't want kids would just create problems later). Saying "no kids yet" sets them up with someone who doesn't have kids but might in the future.
I like how you put this. Anon was asked requirements and all he gave were deal-breakers. It comes off as desperate, crass, or both.
Its also fake. I could rewrite the ending.
"Friends GF laughs uncontrollably at my list of dealbreakers, as she's drunk and at a bar, not sober at a coffee shop"
"Friends gf proceeds to go around the bar posing my list to every woman, and eventually also all the men, hysterically laughing the whole time while I try to hide by the jukebox."
This is an actualized response. In the moment a lot of people can't pull this off, it does take practice. You're right, of course, this is better...I just wish people would more commonly be willing to ask a clarifying question or two before pulling out the butcher's knife.
Some folks just aren't good with their words and may otherwise be great people. In this situation, true or not, they were talking for some time. I think that level of interaction is worth some benefit of the doubt and the tiniest bit of patience. Instead, despite hitting it off and having a great conversation, shallow lady over there judges him by a single moment amongst probably a dozen leading up to it.
...but that is how it goes. That's the game. It's all just a bit silly though.
This is an actualized response...
I agree with you 100%, but I'd say it's easier than it seems. It does require practice, for sure, but I'd argue that talking like an incel also requires practice. (Lee's assume the fictional guy in the Green text got his practice on 4Chan).
I think the thing is that bro is making a choice; whether that choice is to consciously talk about the things he dislikes in low value females, instead of just himself or what he likes (as you would do in date), or to spend his day on 4Chan, unconsciously practicing and learning how to be more like Andrew Tate.
Either way, the problem is not lack of skill, it's the choice to do nothing or even dig in harder into poor communication skills.
Then comes the lack of appropriate feedback, without judgement, to help them realize that it is them who are turning themselves into "low-value men" if there were to judge themselves by the same measure.
The good thing is that people have time to practice. People who are bad with their words already know it, and they clearly could practice if only they felt it had value.
Anon is definitely not into fitness though. Probably a lard ass himself.
Also, this is just a really negative set of statements. "I DON'T want X, Y, and Z." Even giving anon a pretty big benefit of the doubt and assuming they didn't state it like "No fatties," they aren't really saying what they want in a partner, just a bunch of standards by which they would judge somebody.
The search for a romantic partner should involve more positives than negatives. You should have ideas about what things you like in people and yourself, and what interests and activities that you're passionate about and would like to share with someone. If you start with a laundry list of things that you don't like, that's not just going to be off-putting, it's going to be limiting you to thinking only in those terms, rather than finding something that brings you joy, and finding someone that has that in common with you.
Bingo! It's not always what you say but HOW you say it.
That’s what he should have said. What he probably said was “no fat chicks, no crotch goblins, no hoes.”
Well first these are the frequent talking points of incels when they harp on what they consider “low value females”. If you find yourself constantly repeating such devaluing talking points, maybe a break from the internet would do you good. Secondly, and more generally, it is usually more attractive to talk about the things you love than the things you hate. Unless you have already established that you and the other person hate the same things, then you can bond over that too.
This. She probably wasn't disgusted by the content, but by the form of what he said.
I can almmost guarantee this is what it is. One of those isn't even a big deal. If I was single I wouldn't date a single mom, not because there's anything wrong with them but because I'm looking for a serious relationship, and I know I'm not emotionally ready to be a father and I know I never will be.
I don't want kids for that reason. I was raised by a single mom and have seen how difficult it is. Nothing but respect for all of them out there.
Incels? there are plenty of family men that think this way. They stuck to their preferences and have a much better life for it. We shouldn't marginalize them for it and give them names that don't make any sense also being afraid to speak about preferences is not good.
Preferences are fine. It still matters how you express them. In the current zeitgeist, with inceldom being a thing, the way these preferences were expressed smacked of that. The fact that you want to defend this specific trifecta of otherwise completely unrelated preferences, claiming they lead to a better life, makes me think you might be an incel yourself, or maybe just a conservative who’s consumed a few too many such videos promoting “family values” and purporting that these are threatened by a woman’s weight, or her having to raise a child on her own, or her seeking love and attention on dating apps. Truth is these are pretty much unrelated to whether one values family and to each other. It’s just a collection of caricatures, stereotypes, and cautionary tales circulating in conservative circles. If all one can think of when asked for their preferences regarding a partner are these known talking points, it is a little suspect. FWIW, I do not think we should marginalize conservatives. But I do think we should marginalize misogyny.
If an incel becomes a family man, he isn't an incel anymore. It's part of the definition of incel. Also, they don't have a better life for it, but a better life despite it (if they even have a better life, incels tend to sabotage their own happines). And you say we shouldn't marginalise men,but it's okay to marginalise women?
not having positive preferences to look for but instead having multiple dealbreakers suggests that all women are functionally the same to you except for the ones who you think are lower quality.. that is to say, you are not meaningfully valuing other people
My preference is women not yet blessed with children, in good shape, and not whoring themselves out on dating apps like tinder.
It's actually really simple to use positive language!
not whoring themselves out on dating apps like tinder.
Oh yeah, really positive that
It actually is -
-I'm not interested in having kids, so I'd want a partner that feels the same.
-I like exercising, so I'd want to be with someone who does as well, particuarly if they're into (insert physical hobby you enjoy)
-I like to go out and do (insert activities in meatspace that often involve meeting people), so I'd be interested in someone who likes to do that kind of thing over just sitting at home scrolling the internet.These are good qualifiers that more or less equate to the same thing as OP states without coming across like a dick. From there, if someone was to introduce someone to OP, they can make a further determination of compatibility, and if someone doesn't match due to the blunter version of the above it can be as easy as "I didn't really feel a connection, [and unless she's actually kind of a bitch] but she's a great person and I hope she meets someone awesome".
Edit: That said, if you're the version of yourself that doesn't match what you're looking for, you should be working on that before seeking a partner IMO.
ಠ_ŕ˛
Instead of saying "good shape" which is a boring / potentially problematic answer, instead say "someone who is into (whatever sport or activity you enjoy)". If you love to cycle or trail run then wanting someone who shares your interests is legitimate.
"I just want a manic pixie dream girl whos never known the touch of a man but is an absolute nymphomaniac and doesn't have sharp knees is that so much to ask???"
Saving this for when I have to describe my preference to anyone again.
I just started talking with a girl who said she loved eggs as a midnight snack. So I said I'm looking for a Gaston-like girl, large as a barge, eats 5 dozen eggs, and hair on every inch of her. She responded in good humor, a fun little conversation.
Whats up with the knees?
I'm imagining he was an obese single dad scrolling Tinder as he was telling her this.
no girls who are on dating apps like Tinder
But why tho?
A reasonable argument would be because oop sees sex as something special and would like a partner that thinks of it the same way.
In reality, oop probably thinks of woman who are on tinder as worthless sluts and doesn’t want a woman with a higher headcount than him because it bruises his ego.
I too, would be upset if my hypothetical partner had more kills than me. Excuse me, I'm the killing machine here. I'm the one who's body is designed to rip and tear and glide through the air! You're making me look lazy.
How dare u!
(I will almost always take the chance to make fun of the act of using "headcount" or "bodycount" to refer to the number of sexual partners someone has had.)
U tell me
I think it's 100% reasonable to not want to meet dating app girls
Makes sense to me, but I'm odd like anon too I guess. I won't work for places that have an HR department for (likely) similar complex reasoning. I don't fit the mold or follow the rules like most people in a job. Just give me responsibilities and I'll be as reliable as if you do them yourself. I don't handle arbitrary people and bureaucracy well. I just do what makes sense in the moment like a business owner that is very conservative. I ran my own businesses for a long time and act like the employees I wish I had been able to find. When a company has an HR department it says they are inflexible and incompetent in efficiency and abstraction. I know I will be miserable in such a place where layers are used to mask managerial incompetence and political maneuvering.
Similarly, a person that likes to shop around and date a lot says quite a bit about their ethics and mindset. I've never used a dating app in my life. All of my long term relationships are from friends of friends. I have no curiosity about who is out there in general or judging people based on their best sales force lies or old pictures. I am only interested in the rare people that say or do something candidly interesting when I am not expecting it; like if someone has a nerdy passionate interest or interesting quark. The average person is not interesting to me, and average people are on dating apps.
Plus, I know what I am, and I do not care to try and sell that to anyone. I would much rather the person at least have some familiarity with me beforehand. Starting off formally of calling it "dating" just sounds silly to me. Like, let's be friends first for awhile. "Dating" puts sex in play on some kind of level. No one can think straight after that addiction starts. So, friends-first for me, and dating apps are not the kind of environment where I can find nerdy interesting friends without extra baggage and expectations.
Fair question! I'm guessing he views such women as sluts and beneath him.
I adore sluts over or beneath me, far too much so tbh. It is like my weakness, and it battles with my deep need for trust and loyalty. A group of friends used to call me Capt. Save a Hoe. I don't do well with sifting through a list of people and putting myself out there. I'm not some promiscuous type at all. I am someone that tends to see the best in people and their real potential in unique ways. My rather out of the box perspective on everything in life and the way I care about people in my close social orbit tends to draw and keep potential partners that are not very good for my own needs. I have an enormous number of interests and sort of mold myself within different spaces over time. Many relationships are only effective when I have a limited range of interests and maintain certain patterns. Most of my relationships end when I am constrained from changing like this over a period of years. The ways I change and mold to different curiosities is very introverted and not an aspect I can effectively share. These are times when I need my independence and space while also having a partner open minded and willing to evolve with me. Like if I get back into hardcore cycling, she gets a bike and often comes along doing whatever it takes to rise to the challenge. Not for every ride, but to share the occasional experience. Or let's say I get into metallurgy and casting again, or airbrushing automotive class graphics, or CAD design projects, or programming games, or robotic cat toys with microcontrollers. The thing is, I need someone that is not just able to flex to me like this, I want someone that is independently doing the same. I want to shape myself to explore with them in their unique and independent interests in any space they are passionate about. It does not matter if it is stereotypically masculine or feminine to me. I have no concern over such marketing nonsense or gendered dichotomy.
So no, it has nothing to do with how I view people on dating apps in some judgemental context. It has everything to do with a known weakness I have. I will commit myself to a cause that is unhealthy for me. I don't put a lot of thought into myself and my interests in this area. My mind is like a little kid in wonderment at the world around me; drawing in my curiosity so much that I forget to eat. I therefore keep my distance and only take notice when someone stands out for reasons that infer they might be functionally abstracted like I am. I've tried other types of people to my detriment and learned that lesson hard.
Those are not unreasonable preferences
The tinder one is though. Someone being on tinder doesn't tell you anything about that person. Only that they're looking for either a partner or casual sex.
This is fake but that said...
Meh, Tinder isn't a dating app. It's a hook up app. There are dating apps which are fine, but tinder is a hookup bar, you know the one, where the bar is empty by 12:30 am because everyone has found a friend for the night. Can you find a long term mate? Sure but odds are against you.
Or the latter leading to the former
Reasonable preferences stated in the form of red flags are still red flags.
I think the phrasing is the problem. This comes off as overly negative. If you say something more along the lines of "I am not yet ready to have kids, so I'd rather not be with someone who has them. I like women who are in good shape, and I am looking for a long term relationship." You come off as way less of an incel.
It is not an unknown that a lot of men have no interest in a single mother or raising someone else’s child. Saying that’s at incel level is a silly over exaggeration.
Meanwhile women: 6 foot, 7 figures, 8 inches or move along.
I just say "I'll know when I meet her."
No obese women probably set her off. She was probably obese herself. The other 2 are pretty standard. Most single people are on dating apps so that’s a bit unrealistic.
So how's the single life?
Demand lists and redline lists suck and make people look like assholes, regardless of their gender, and even when there are legit red lines you wont go near because of safety, which none of these are.
In this case, a no fat chicks rule is gonna trigger every woman's societal induced neurosis about weight and body dysmorphia, you fucked up, never say that one out loud to a woman. It marks you aspart of the body dysmorphia problem.
No single moms, reasonable if you dont want kids or to be involved in raising one, but still makes you sound like an asshole. Not wanting or having kids is taboo even now, look at the shit that the republicans have been throwing at Kamala Harris. Rejecting a wonderful person because they have a kid is also dickish. And, depending on your age and where you live, the odds of finding a partner who does not have kids could be low to zero anyway.
No dating apps? What planet do you live on? Dating apps are everywhere and for some people the only option for dating. People meet spouses on em. Oh just not hookup apps? Then this smells like slut shaming, in which case fuck you. I love sluts; don't shame them or you will piss me off personally. If you want a virgin, become a religious fundamentalist and possibly a pedophile. People have sex and if you have a problem with that it's probably a red flag.
Sorry for the rant, this is greentext so probably all lies anyway, but it set me off.
I think the real issues here are:
- Making obesity your top concern just shows that the most important thing to you is a woman's looks. That's a red flag that other things aren't as important.
- Making single moms a dealbreaker is somewhat derogatory. If you don't want kids, make that your requirement, but a lot of men out there are really saying "I don't want to raise another man's kid", which is another red flag of toxic masculinity.
- The "not on dating apps" requirement does seem to stem from the paranoia that women on dating apps are sluts (another toxic red flag), but that's some self-hate right there. Pretty much every single woman is using dating apps because that's how people date these days. If Tinder is a dealbreaker, you're gonna die alone.
So basically, if you're a woman, and you hear a guy list these requirements, what you really hear is:
- Hot girls only, my sexual satisfaction is of the highest priority.
- I need to pretend you are a virgin, so I want to see no evidence that you existed as a sexual person before dating me, otherwise my ego will collapse.
- I hate women and think they're sluts, so you better not have any qualities that I arbitrarily associate with promiscuity. See also: #2 about how I need to feel like I'm fucking a virgin. Also #1 where she better be hot.
Honestly, I would judge any woman that dated a man this trashy.
I was writing a wall of text about how millenials trat me cause I have kids and my wife cause "she's obese" got a call and I have not the energy to write it again
Imagine here was a dissenting opinion based on experience...
Just show me pictures and I'll pick
