How old is too old to have kids, in your opinion?

My ex's dad was in his early 60s when she was born. It was neat

Instead of making new kids, let's save the ones stuck in the foster care system. The ones who are needing care and love more than the vague concept of "what my child could be" and an actual human being on this earth today.

Upper 30s is pushing it, genetically speaking, but I wouldn't discourage people in their early 40s from trying it. Ever person and every family can have different sizes and shapes.

My father was 41 when I was born and just from my personal experience I wouldn't do that to a child. My father was very active and played sports regularly, but still when I was in elementary school he was already too old for many things. Accidents happened and at that age the body doesn't really heal well from injuries. His back hurt too much to pick me up, no riding in daddy's shoulders. A lot of "Please be more quiet", "Don't be so wild" etc in my childhood. I always resented that, because I saw other dads being very active and going out, playing, running with their kids the same age as me. No matter how active your husband is now, his body won't tolerate injuries or sleep deprivation as much anymore.

When I went to university my parents told me they wouldn't be able to support me as much as my older brother, because my father was retiring soon. Have you thought of the financial aspects? If your husband retires around 65, your child will be in his early teens. Will you be able to provide money for school trips, college funds etc.?

You also have a high chance of any health related problem quickly becoming exponentially worse with age. As I said, my father was very active and played in a local basketball team. He had a knee injury and needed surgery when he was around 50, so I was still in elementary school. It was a minor surgery and would have been no problem for someone younger, but at his age it never fully healed and kicked off a lot of related health issues. He visibly deteriorated after that and within 10 years he became slower in moving and thinking. He was still as active as possible, but that wasn't very much. Being a teenager whose father always demanded peace and quiet, who needed things to be repeated several times because his hearing was failing, wasn't very fun.

You will deprive your child of a lot. Their father won't be there for them in many key ways that other parents are: he'll be too old to help with moving to the first appartment, too out of touch and tired when the question of buying the first car comes up. There's a good chance he won't be there anymore for the wedding. And you aren't doing yourself a favor either when you're going to have to take care of an aging husband and a young adult who just left the nest and still needs support in your 50s.

And all that is if you can get pregnant quickly, which is also getting unlikely given his age.

Health issues due to paternal age are a lot more difficult to do genetic testing for compared to issues tied to maternal age. If planning to use his sperm, consider speaking with a genetic counselor and have some serious conversations about what it looks like if you have a baby with certain health issues.

You should just have a kid with his son.

My dad was 47 when I was born and he always said he was too old to become a father that late. Also in my view, he was too old. There is a generational gap between us that just can't be bridged (he was born during WW2, I am a millennial).
We never understood each others worlds. It does not mean we did not have a good relationship and this is highly individual and subjective. People called him my grandpa when I was a kid (I didn't care). The only thing that is brutal, is him dying too soon. I am very glad he is still around with 80+ and I had the opportunity to graduate and standing on my own feet. But I know it will happen very soon and I feel he should be around for longer. It's unlucky he will never be a grandfather to the child I haven't even had time to plan yet.

Eh. My parents are really old and im youngish. It kind of sucks. I wouldn't do it

I had some in my 20s and some late 30s and I personally wouldn't want to literally be pregnant older than 40.

If I was not married though, and if I had more money wouldn't mind fostering to adopt a couple of teenagers. My kids are adult now, they are a good network and those older kids get set free without any help or place to land, we could give family to more kids.

More relevant to your situation - there are no guarantees even if you aren't old. My dad died when I was 16, he was only in his 50s and I wouldn't change anything, we were so close, I would rather have had him for my early years than anyone else for longer. And my kids and step kids, the gap between oldest and youngest is 22 years and they all get along. If his kids have kids I do think that could get weird.

ETA - old dads do introduce some risk, higher chance of schizophrenia for one thing, so do consider that, if you thought it was only the mom's age that mattered.

We have friends with a similar age gap, she is I think 36 and he is 56 now. Their son is 3.5. He also has grown up kids not much younger than his wife. The kid was planned.

It's hard and he is passing on having another child for age reasons (see below), but their son is great and none of them regret the decision. The dad's back and knee are bad, so running after their Duracell powered son who looks like Finn from Adventure Time (that hair! Dude is set for life, he'll make bank as a hair modell) can get difficult. But they manage and are active and a very cute and happy family. Having a kid is always hard and stressful, unless you are a tiktok influencer, then it is the easiest thing you've done because it comes so naturally to you /s

As for it "feeling strange": from my own life experience, things only feel strange if you allow them to feel strange. Everything can be awkward and weird and strange and whatever, or you just decide this is your life and only you get to decide what is and what is not strange.

As for my friends, I think nothing about anything in their life feels weird. She literally lived with her now husband and his son for a while. It was fine. His kids are cool with the younger sibling. They get to choose what is normal. They chose that this is. Their family is. This is their family and their normality.

To add: Having two little kids vs one little kid is a whole different level. He has first hand experience in that, so I don't think not wanting another kid means he regrets it. Not at all. I think he just realizes that this would be not double as hard but quadruple as hard and he won't be able to do that. My husband is 35 and cannot imagine having a second child for similar reasons. He just doesn't have the energy level for another small being - and it will be more than double the energy required, while he couldn't give an extra 50% even if he wanted to.

So the question is really, how do you feel about it? Do you two have some energy left? Are you ok with taking on the majority of the physical work? Even if your partner is doing fine physically now, he might decline sooner than you think, unexpectedly.

I might add, bluntly: you have already decided that it is ok for you that the likely (if not ideal) outcome of your relationship is that your husband dies much before you. You will likely be a young widow. It might also be that he lives to 100 and you die in a freak accident after reading this. I'm not telling you anything new here. This is just to remind you of your choice and your thoughts on this when you decided to commit to each other. Because a lot of people point out that your kid might not have a dad for long. (Which, yeah, other people lose their parents at a young age too, but having it be more likely is another thing, although, does this mean sick/disabled people with a shortened life span should not have kids either, and then we are in eugenics territory or the antinatalists chime in.)

Anyway, I'll get a lot of hate in the comments (honestly taking this question to lemmy where a lot of antinatalists are hanging out is crazy) but in my opinion - which must be totally valuable to you lol - I'd go for it. Even if it is hard and you reach your limits, this is such a short time of intense chaos in your life. And then you'll have a kid. You'll have experienced this crazy thing. And love and support don't care for your age. Hugs and kisses are just as heartfelt. Your kid will be just as much of their own person, no matter what age their parents were. We all don't have a perfect family. But as I mentioned above, normal is what you define is normal. And a perfect and ideal family is whatever you decide it is.

Thank you for reading all of this.

First: You shouldn't care about what others think.

I can understand why your husband thinks it's too late for him. I am also in my 50's and my daughter has a 6 months old son and I could never do that again. It's not just now but if that newborn is 20 your husband is 71.

Adopt an older child if you do want to raise a kid but are worried about ages?

I never really wanted them anyway. But now, at 49, There's no way in hell I'm raising a child. My S.O. has two adult kids, the youngest of which just graduated from highschool. And I didn't come into their lives until they were already teenagers and that is perfect. I can offer them "fatherly" advice if they ask, and their mom and I can go out and actually have a life without planning around babysitters a week in advance.

I think this is highly individual. I had my latest at 37 and I knew that I wouldd not want any later than that. Unsure if it was due to age or the fact that I have four kids, though.

Have the kid if you both feel you want it. As an older father your husband will have qualities that a younger man wouldn’t have.

Only factors that count are the health of both of you and if you will care for and love the child.

The latter you both know already, ask yourselves. The latter can be easily checked by a health professional.

Go ahead and do something beautiful.

Idk about other folks but for me my cutoff is 40. I'm only now starting my 30s and I already can't see how I'd be doing active stuff beyond that. It would be irresponsible on my part. That and I can't even afford a house rn so haha

I’ll go with 40.

• for women I believe the risks went up dramatically 35–>40, with the new label “advanced maternal age”. There’s a clear medical threshold here.
• for men, I was about 40 and really think that should be about it. In fact I wanted another child but after that was delayed by medical issues in the family, decided we were getting too old. There may not be such a clear medical threshold but ….

When we did things with other parents we were invariably the oldest in the room. Not a blocker but it’s harder to be part of that community. I went to school with a kid from a very large family whose parents were older and they never did fit with other parents.

But the biggest thing is energy. As a Dad, I took a big part of my role to be active involvement. To keep up with toddler energy while also handling logistics. To jump into physical playtime or homework after a days work. to be always ready for the adventure, the sport, the activity. My crowning achievement was getting up at first cry so my wife could sleep, throwing the little one into a backpack, and doing a predawn hike to give his first bottle at sunrise on top of a mountain.

What was I saying? Oh energy. Now that my kids are in college, I’m old enough to make it difficult to keep up. I got my littlest into hiking but now I can’t go 5 miles without my knees killing me. Meanwhile he’s sending pictures back 15 miles in.

But seriously, energy. Now after a full days work I just want to get home and sit. Vegetate. It’s getting much harder to stir up the passion to join them whether for a video game, hone improvement, or even take them to an ice cream stand

I realize your mileage will vary, greatly, but I just don’t have the energy to be actively involved with kids anymore. They grew up just in time. But that active involvement, again doesn’t have to be physical but active participation , makes parenting so rewarding for both you and them. You don’t want to miss it. Kids aren’t goldfish where you can sit back in your chair and watch the aquarium but they shine ever brighter when you’re in there with them. You’re not a simple babysitter where you just make sure they survive, but it’s so much more rewarding as a parent to be there, do stuff, keep up.

But you have a different scenario with a large age gap. You’re at a great age for becoming a parent so don’t let age stop you. Medically it should be fine (statistically). You should be fine. But be aware that your husband may no longer have the energy or as much involvement as he would have a decade or two earlier. Both he and your child will miss out and likely you will face more of the burdens alone. But it is what it is. Life doesn’t always deal a straight flush and you have to play the hand you’re dealt.

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If you have a kid now you husband will be almost seventy by the time they graduate high school. He probably won't be able to keep up with his grandchildren because he will be in his late seventies unless they get started young.

I would be reluctant to bring life into the world you know you won't be around for. It is not a total deal breaker, but it is something you should talk about.

A lot of this is cultural. What a parent should be able to do, what a "normal" family looks like and so on. I feel like it would be good to ask kids of older parents instead, because at the end of the day their experience is what matters. I suspect that they'd say growing up with an old dad was fine.

As for stuff about medical risk to the kid, it's always there. Ditto for the comments about risk of their life sucking. How much risk is too much risk is the real question.

I know a family with a similar age gap between step siblings, the cohorts just don't interact much and it works fine.

Being over 50 may make early parenting more rough than usual; after the first few years I don't think it matters very much (being retired around the college/late teen years may actually be a big advantage).

I remember hearing a big scare about increased cancer risk and such, but these can be screened for and managed. I'm told it is not a real concern.

These are questions for a doctor, not the Internet lol.
\ I think you're fine but your husband might be a bit old, but idk exactly how the associated risks increase with age.

If you're serious, ignore every single comment here and ask your ob/gyn.

My wife and I had a daughter with her at 45 and myself at 31. We had to use IVF, and in the end, donor eggs. So it is possible, despite the age. You're probably in a better situation biologically with him being the older one.

That said: don't have a kid if you just think it might be nice.

Kids aren't some sort of casual addition to the existing patterns of your life. They disrupt almost all of them. They are hard work, take up more time than anyone without could imagine. You can't just put them to the side and deal with them later when it's convenient for you. They need you when you're sick, when you're having a bad day, when you're grieving the death of a loved one, when you haven't had your coffee and are still waking up, when you're just trying to get some sleep, when you're hung over, when you're trying to cook, when you're trying to clean, when you're trying to get five minutes to yourself to take a shit, when the last thing you want to do is deal with a kid.

They are 100% reliant on you for years. They need to be taught everything, and I mean everything. Basic stuff like "don't bite people because you wouldn't like being bit" isn't intuitive. They will fight against you trying to get them to do something they enjoy. They will break things that are important to you. They will push boundaries intentionally and unintentionally.

And you need to handle all of your shit and all of their shit, and still have energy to handle them with kindness, near infinite patience, understanding, and with an eye for their learning and growth. You at least need to strive for this outcome, and hit it the overwhelming majority of the time. No one is perfect, but you have to strive to be for them, especially early on.

It's exhausting. It is one of the most gratifying things in the world. Just don't do it unless you're 100% sure you want to sign yourself up for it.

But look, at the end of the day, there are people having kids older than you two, and grandparents having to take sole guardianship over kids as well. You can do this, if it's something you both want.

As long as you both consent to it and he is willing to also put in the work it takes to raise a child then what’s the problem?

Malcolm Gladwell just recently had a child in his late 50s/early 60s and so did Peter Sagal of Wait Wait fame. People have kids later in life all the time.

My wife and I had our first child when I was 39 because that’s finally when it happened for us and we had the means to support our kid the way we wanted.

I’m in my mid 40s now and would love another. I still have the energy to swing our kid around and throw her up in the air. Now she’s getting into the ages where she can hike with us, it’s a wonderful journey watching her grow and learn.

One thing I would just ask of you, personally, is just make the commitment to read to your child. Read to them every night. Read to them as much as they want. Read to them even when you’re tired. It’s so important for their development.

My father had another son with his 2nd wife when he was 58. At first I thought he was too old and it would be a burden for him and for the kid, but finally it works fine for everyone. He kind of seems younger now and my brother (now 11 years old) deals fine with having an older dad.

I just met my stepbrother last week despite our parents being together for several years now. He's 20-something years younger than I am (I'm almost 50 and he's in his twenties). If I think of him as stepparent's kid, it's not weird to me; similar to kids of close friends. If I think of him as stepbrother it feels strange. Maybe that's more to do with both of us being only children than the age gap.

Fortunately, we have enough in common that we got along really well!

I have a couple of friends that had a baby and the mom also had 2 teenage daughters (the baby is the dad's first kid; he was so excited to become a dad). The daughters seemed well adjusted to it. Your stepkid could be expecting you to want a kid of your own.

Why don't the 3 of you chat with a family therapist together to see if some of these concerns can be resolved or maybe aren't so much concerns at all.

Mid 40’s is really pushing it.

Just have some life insurance (or equivalent) set up to cover costs should the statistics catch up to him or you. At that age his parents can’t help out like they would if he were younger.

My partner’s parents are both very old compared to norms. It’s fine. One benefit is that they were financially stable and once they retired they were able to spend more time with their adolescent kid.

The previous president of Finland, Sauli Niinistö is currently 77-year-old and his firstborn is 7.

That means the child will see his dad die at a far too young age, most likely. But otherwise, meh. He'll be a different kind of father, but a good father all the same.

The question: how angry would he be if his father was 25 years older than he actually is? Would he prefer not having been born at all under such circumstances? I bet he wouldn't oppose his own existence, for such a reason at least. And neither will his child.

I have two friends born to parents of similar ages as that. Both have had very happy families. One was an only child. The other had a similar age gap with his half siblings, they didn't interact much while he was growing up, but now that he's an adult they hang out all the time. It seems like both friends have had to deal with more challenging losses of parents earlier in their lives than typical, but there's no guarantee about tomorrow anyway.

I'd say fuck it!

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