Satan Rules!

Thanks Satan, very cool ! 😎

Really supportive bloke, that Satan!

Adam: Hey Lilith, I'm in charge, god says so!
Lilith: Lol, no.
God: Actually, yes.
Lilith: Fuck that I'm gone.
Adam: Well, shit. Can you make me a more subservient breeder please Lord?
God: Yep.
Eve: Uhhh....
Adam: Hey Eve, I'm in charge, god says so!
Eve.....right....
God: He is.
Eve....
Satan: Hey, Eve, you know the fruit on that tree that god told you would kill you if you ate it?
Eve: Yep.
Satan: It won't. But what it will do is give you knowledge like science and the arts. But its totally your call if you choose to eat it.
Eve: Oh wow, nice!
Adam: WTF Eve!
Eve: Fine, don't eat, stay dumb
Adam: OK, I'll have some.
God: Even though I'm omniscient and omnipotent it somehow escaped me where you both were and what you were up to. Anyway, fruit = bad because knowledge like science and art is bad. Get out.

Christians - Satan is clearly the bad guy here.

I hate the focus on us all being doomed by the forbidden fruit. The way I see it we're all doomed because Adam couldn't handle being a bottom. The path to paradise is under a domme.
- Could be, sure. But the real question is, why did god make knowledge forbidden? I'll quote Satan directly (via John Milton):
  From their own mouths. All is not theirs it seems; One fatal tree there stands, of Knowledge called, Forbidden them to taste. Knowledge forbidden! Suspicious, reasonless. Why should their Lord Envy them that? can it be sin to know? Can it be death? and do they only stand By ignorance? is that their happy state, The proof of their obedience and their faith?
Also by the bibles logic, if my dad was a murderer, me and any of my children are also murderers and should be punished.

Christians confound me. How is having faith in yourself a bad thing?

because you need to replace the love you can have for yourself with love for God. You're a miserable wretch who should feel terrible about your own existence, but by loving God, even someone as worthless as you can be loved. Turning your back on the Lord is impossible when when you rely on him for your own self worth; when without feeling his love you are rendered depressed and hopeless. Besides, it's easier to love a perfect being than to love yourself, so this addiction is the easier option to doing that hard work.
- but by loving God, even someone as worthless as you can be loved.
  It's worth pointing out, in my experience, most of the churches I've attended swapped cause and effect - that God loved humans so much that he sacrificed his son, which is a reason to love him. Most I've attended don't teach to hate yourself, rather that what you experience now is the baseline of being a "sinner". Basically, you're already in the bad place. No need to hate yourself further. Maybe the churches I attended were just more carrot and less stick.
  I haven't practiced religion in a while, but since this seems to be a response to a genuine question, it seems prudent to offer what is typically, in my experience, preached alongside a clearly sardonic answer.
- Pfffft, no thanks! Jesus already put in the intellectual and emotional labor for all of us, so I’m not going to spit in his face by thinking for myself, thank you very much!
A core tenet of Christianity is to "give yourself fully to Jesus", and a common theme is to juxtapose "trusting in Jesus, choosing actions based on what he did, etc." with "trusting only in yourself, choosing actions based on what you want, etc"

Fun story. Once upon a time, my dad challenged me to find a single wrong thing that God did in the Bible. I pointed out that there are two versions of the Jericho story- the one that they teach in Sunday school, that has a bunch of Hebrews killing everyone, and the one that they don't teach in Sunday school, where a bunch of Hebrews kill everyone except the little girls, and then keep the girls as sex slaves.

"...but any young girl who has not known a man, keep for yourselves."

He stopped the truck on the side of the road and left me to walk home lol.

Edit: just to be clear, the point was that the religious leadership was ordering them to do this, presumably at the direction of their god.

As a non Christian, the immediate 3 I think of.
He destroyed a man's life on a bet (Job). 2. He destroyed a couple of cities because they didn't like him (Sodom and Gamorrah). 3. He killed the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD and induced the highest possible genetic bottleneck possible, forcing all animals to be cousin fuckers for generations (the flood).
- I mean, the Sodom story had slightly more to it, IIRC...
'Now go and strike Amalek and completely destroy everything that they have; do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.’ - Samuel 15:3

That Satan is a pretty cool guy. He uplifts your spirits and doesn't afraid of anything.

Satan was the good guy.

Well, he did kill a few people. But nowhere near as many as that other dude, watsisname? Jahwe or something.
- I mean, even in those cases, wasn’t that by order of god too? Iirc Satan doesn’t actually get up to much evil on his own in the Bible.
- Where IS Jah? What’s he got to say about all this?
It was my understanding that one or more of the "lost" books from the Bible that was found in a cache of dead sea scrolls would agree with you. One example was the book of Thomas if I remember? Anyway, the message was that God was, in fact, an usurper, and very much against us.
"The more you know"
- Gnosticism.
The most evil thing god did, was to convince people that he was the good guy

Well yeah. The two biggest threats to christianity are logic and compassion.

If youre allowed to think or feel for yourself it falls apart.

he’s such a cool guy, Im having seitan with him this afternoon

Lightbringer meme

I guess one should doubt any convictions coming from the holy spirit because how can you be certain it's not your own convictions. /s

This is a thing, though. Like all the gay Christians who think everyone always feels that way because we are all always being tested by god and have to actually choose our sexuality rather than just accepting that they have those feelings because they’re not heterosexual and refusing to live as who they really are.
- And taking that one step further, it is absolutely horrifying how many of them also assume that being any kind of LGBT "other"-ness also clearly implies that one is an actively predatory pedophile.

Satan doesn't whisper

he whispered

Which is it?

Satan doesnt whisper the phrase "believe in me." The phrase satan whispers is "believe in yourself."
Edit: or change whispers for says.
Satan doesnt say, "believe in me." He says, "believe in yourself."
- Mostly a dont dead open inside joke

What an embarrassing thing to lend your name to.

The voices in my head just tell me to kill myself tbh

'' verily, verily, I say unto you, do not believe in yourself at all, that's Satan talking, umm... yeah, and if you're looking for answers my Christian webinar on finding self worth is $500 this week. On sale from $1,000"

Shit Jesus Never Said

It's a simple message, and it comes from the heart 🎶

Technically, I'd say this is one of the few points Jesus and the Devil agree on, but they have wildly different organizations in mind in terms of "church" lmfao.