Meanwhile, on Oakland's Nextdoor

So, is Satan so busy that he only gets to fuck once a year? Or is Halloween the one day of the year he's not practicing safe sex?

I never thought about this before, but it seems somehow important.

Also, "his bride"? Not his wife or girlfriend? Does he get married to a new person every year?
- This whole situation feels too oddly wholesome for these people to be so upset. Straight? Check. Married? Check. Planned and wanted pregnancy from someone with a lot of power? Check! The father is the literal devil? Fuck that, apparently! Get out of here, you model-citizen demon!
  Also, to whomever wrote that note: I'm glad y'all don't like walking in front of my house. You're literally the worse. I'd rather hang out with Satan and his bride than you judgmental prudes.
- Maybe it's a "bride of Frankenstein" thing. More of a title than anything.
  Though this is the devil they're talking about. Satan could be getting divorced every year and remarrying, or just straight up adding a new "sister-wife" annually.
  I legit have not thought this much about real world religion in years.
- Why would satan bother getting married at all?
- I find it hard to believe that Satan doesn't live in sin with his gf.
- Maybe she dies in childbirth
- So Satan has a harem of girls

You kind of HAVE TO have a Satan and bride honeymoon theme now don't you?

At that point, I'd do a 'satan on pornhub' theme
- Is Satan circumcised on pornhub?
If the neighbors choose to use the mailbox like that, I don’t see how it couldn’t be viewed as a suggestion.
oh I would have upside down crosses all over my yard. I would up the horror game so much that they would sue me.

One year I had a house party with around 80 people. The church across the street (uphill) called the cops on me - twice. So on Halloween I burned a pentagram into my front lawn with a cleaning agent iirc(?) for them to gaze down upon for the next two months until it snowed. They never bothered me again after that. It's good to set boundaries.

I'd have that framed and hang it up every year as a badge of honor. This person won Halloween 👏👏👏

I’m so sick of all religions

Does that include Buddhism? If so why?
- Does that include Buddhism?
  Yes.
  If so why?
  Have you read what is happening in Myanmar?
  Becasue every religion has been used as a tool of oppression, including Buddhism.
- Yes it does, I have been to South East Asia.

I am a very concerned resident regarding your horrifying and demonic array every Halloween.

This is not a happy time of year.

In fact it is the time when Satan Impregnates his bride.

you need to consider what you are doing as it is affecting many of the neighbours in this area.

Some of us dread walking by your house

For anyone who wants to use this as a copypasta

"Satan impregnates his bride" is a new one. I hope the pregnancy goes well for them lol

Especially, as the sender is most likely anti-abortion.
lol that got me too . like.. I'm pretty sure you made that up

That needs to be copied, laminated and posted outside with pride.

Needs to become a copypasta

I'd adapt the decorations to include an unholy marriage theme.

If this isn't fake,

What gets me is, this is coming from a fundamentalist, but no where in the bible is Halloween mentioned. They're angry about fan fiction.

Lots of them don't even read the Bible. At least in my experience. They just spew whatever they hear in their circles, a lot of which is headcanon. Heck they don't even follow one of Jesus's big things, love thy neighbor.

In what fictional D-list movie universe do they live in where satan impregnates a bride on Halloween?

Also I thought Satan was evil.. wouldnt it make more sense for him to impregnate someone who isn't his bride, perhaps even through non consensual means?
If you're going to be the face of evil might as well do the sin part properly.
- Right? At least make it sex before marriage!
Every year. How many anti-Christs are there at this point?
- Well obviously Satan gets an abortion every time
The irony is it probably stems from some pagan belief and has nothing to do with Christianity.
- Halloween is not a fertility festival, it is a fall harvest festival. Like Oktoberfest.
  The fertility festival is in Spring, and it's called May Day.
- I'm familiar with paganism, that doesn't make sense either

What a fucking fruitcake

She's also clearly wrong about the origins.
What a moron.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samhain

Satan is married?

https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9BiQJCPrxR4/UHixnWxmBYI/AAAAAAAAFMU/Y4mOkVqElBU/s1600/FarSideDevilButthead.jpg

This from a person who sees nothing wrong with hanging a cross everywhere.

Crucifixion is one of the most horrific ways to be tortured to death.

Come to think of it, a gory "Passion of the Christ" crucifixion would fit right in with the most gruesome Halloween decor.
- A movie with a serial killer who kills using Saints deaths might work.
It's definitely not fake.
- Poe's law...

If I got a letter like this I would put up a decoration of a big foam Satan "hugging" his bride. Since it's not technically obscene they can't remove it without banning all religious imagery in the area, win:win. I might even keep it up permanently.

What's this about Satan's bride?

Wait its Satan? I've read it as Santa and was confused AF
- Santa baby..
- Hey they're married and it's for reproductive purposes! That's almost as Catholic as a priest and a choirboy!
- she must be a very lucky woman

My eyes just rolled so hard I think I need to schedule an appointment with my optometrist.

Eyes rolling back into your head is probably just regular ol Satan possession.
Super normal in October.
- Especially normal if you’re Satan’s bride.

Won't somebody think of ~~the children~~ Satan rawdogging?

In high school I had a friend who lived with his Grandma and she was pretty much out of it all the time...

Every year for Christmas he would put a giant pentagram in Christmas lights on her street facing roof.

They got letters like this too but she was old and frail and didn't really give a shit what that kid did as long as he didn't kill her or burn her house down.

She would also buy him booze and cigarettes whenever he demanded it at 14ish years old.

Jesus christ that got bleak
- You think that was bleak, eh?
  The friend had a VERY generic name and I have no idea what's become of him since it's been 25ish years now since I've spoken to him or anyone in his family (or been able to find them even for that matter).
  As far as I know none of our mutual friends have had any contact or more info than that either.
Also, we sometimes would have appeared to have been trying to burn her house down
I'm talking aerosol hair spray and lighters... On carpet and mirrors...
We were reckless as fuck

Laminate it and add it as a decoration.

I think it would work better with one of those laser decoration projectors everyone's got these days. Hang a sheet on the garage door and make it huge so you can read it while driving by. Add an animation of blood dripping down the edges. Or Satan rawdogging his bride, whichever.

Time to double down!

Pro tip if you want to go WAY overboard for Halloween. Small local butchers often have spines and weird bones that they discard.
Ver Brugge in Rockridge hooked my wife and I up for a Dexter themed Halloween party one year.
- Ultra-realistic murder mystery
- I imagine that's a good way to have a misunderstanding with the police if someone thinks a animal bone is human
Needs a giant bloody Jesus crucifix horrorshow to really tie it all together

I would buy so many more decorations and put them up. I would even start the first week of September just for shits and giggles

Demonic nativity scene
- This is the impregnation. The birth happens nine months later, so that'd be the end of July.
  checks to find out what happens on July 31
  https://nationaltoday.com/july-holidays/
  Harry Potter's Birthday – July 31
  Uh oh.
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_debates_over_the_Harry_Potter_series
  Religious debates over the Harry Potter series of books by J. K. Rowling are based on claims that the novels contain occult or Satanic subtexts.
  Clearly we were warned and disregarded the obvious signs.
Find all the good things about Satan and include that information
It'll really pass them off
- I have no special regard for Satan; but I can at least claim that I have no prejudice against him. It may even be that I lean a little his way, on account of his not having a fair show. All religions issue bibles against him, and say the most injurious things about him, but we never hear his side. We have none but evidence for the prosecution and yet we have rendered the verdict. To my mind, this is irregular. It is un-English. It is un-American; it is French. Without this precedent Dreyfus could not have been condemned. As soon as I can get at the facts I will undertake his rehabilitation myself if I can find an unpolitic publisher. It is a thing we ought to be willing to do for anyone who is under a cloud. We may not pay him reverance, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents. A person who has for untold centuries maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of four-fifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilites of the loftiest order. In his large presence the other popes and politicians shrink to midgets for the microscope. I would like to see him. I would rather see him and shake him by the tail than any member of the European concert.

This is how I find out he’s getting married?!

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't get an invite either.
- Count yourself lucky, can you imagine trying to shop for a wedding gift for The Satans? (I assume she's taking his name, they seem like a very traditional couple)

Nextdoor rage bait is trending

Speak for yourself, I love Spooktober: Oktoberfest beer, pumpkin spice, cozy sweaters, spooky stories and spooky decorations for Halloween... the list goes on.

Good spelling, grammar and penmanship.

also not the worst vocabulary I've seen

Do the xtians really think Satan is straight

- Damn straight. Get behind me Satan

I was God 's guardian, the chief honor guard of the most important entity in the universe.
Impregnate one princess after I retire and that's all anyone remembers me for