The Bible but TTRPG

One nitpick- Solomon using demonic assistance to build his Temple is extrabiblical lore. I believe that Solomon's command over demons might be mentioned in the Talmud, but not in the Bible itself.

The story of Elisha and the boys deserves to be "nitpicked" as well. I haven't checked for myself, but from what I understand most secular and non-secular scholars agree that the Hebrew term includes babies all the way to "boys" who are in their twenties. This makes better sense of how the term is used in other passages and of why Elisha would encounter 42 of them (which only counts those who were mauled) just hanging out in the countryside.
- While we're at it, myrrh was a fragrant resin used in all sorts of applications, not just for embalming.
- He was being chased by a gang of young men, not just being made fun of by some random children.
  Translation is a scholarly art, and English translations - and the masses understanding of them - are like the restoration of the Ecce Homo fresco.
- Here's a biblical scholar talking about it. The bible specifies small boys, so definitely not in their 20s. Not that having bears eat adults for making fun of your bald head is any better.
- That's an apologist's take not a scholar's take. Modern translations use "small boys".
- good thing the context tells us it was little boys

DM: Not that one, Job: I have a special d20 just for you!

Looks like a d10 to me o lord.
- d1

I’ll point out that the “Jesus and the fig tree” story is a parable. It’s made fun of a lot, but it’s a vicious lesson by someone who was very theatrical in their teaching style. The fig tree is Israel, who were expected by their god to always be in season and ready for their messiah. But when Jesus arrived, they were not in season, and so were cursed to never bear fruit again. It wasn’t an agricultural misunderstanding, it was a lesson and everything that surrounds it gives it context.

Sure, but even as a parable it shows jesus expects something that is not possible, and punishes living things for being as he created them to be.
- One of the many things that christians seem to misunderstand is that almost none of the Bible is about them. It’s about the descendants of Israel who are the descendants of Noah who are the descendants of Adam and Eve, who were uniquely created by their god in its image and given a piece of its divine breath… none of which is about all humanity, but especially gentiles who are literally the same as wild animals as far as scripture is concerned.
  Remember the story of the woman who begged Jesus and his disciples for help for days because her daughter was “possessed?” Not only did Jesus go out of his way to ignore and avoid her for days, he then compared her to a dog for not being Israelite. Only when she leaned into the insult did Jesus relent.
  Israel was that specific fig tree and Israel was supposed to be special and had unique expectations placed on them since they were literally their god’s children, and other people were not.
  I’m not disagreeing really. I’m building on your point.
- well, first of all...
  Not saying you're wrong in a practical sense, but carrying practical sense into an allegorical story from a culture and time not your own is, if not folly, at least ill-advised.
Jesus: curses random tree
Followers: Jesus, is there a problem? You can tell us directly.
Jesus: No, everything is fine sulks
Also, in the Apocrypha, childhood Jesus turned a kid he didn't like into a tree. Quite possibly... a fig tree.
- Jesus:i cast curse
  DM: roll to hit
  Jesus: nevermind i cast true polymorph
  DM: at?
  Jesus: that pesky SOB over there
  DM: the eight year old?
  Jesus: well now he's a fig tree.
  DM: Jesus, dude...
  Jesus: I cast curse on the tree
- Jesus was a little asshole. It's pretty funny those works survived.

DM: You killed so many people with that donkey bone I think we can stop treating it as an improvised weapon. Here's a proper statblock.

The ending of that Daniel story is definitely something.

At the king’s command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown into the lions’ den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones.

That ending written by the Three Stooges writers
Why did I hear the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme in my head after reading this lol

There is a convenience store I stop at which has a self help / religious book rack. On it, there is a copy of "The Action Bible", and, given it's cover, I assume this is the DMG for OPs campaign.

I love how there's a random cute girl in the top left, no idea who the hell she's supposed to be, but 👍🏻.
- Probably Mary Magnalin. That is pretty funny though
  Hmm it might be his mom Mary. She's j got a virginal look.
There's also a Manga Bible, which is a pretty rad artistic interpretation as well. :D
- I mean, I feel like making Jesus a samurai is as authentic to history as making him a blond white dude.
  Also, wandering the countryside, helping out the peasants and tweaking the nose of the establishment, gathering a crew of like-minded friends/followers, and culminating in an act of self-sacrifice which results in the protagonist's willing death? I can easily see how someone could imagine, "what if Jesus, but ronin?".
  Shit. Im gonna end up buying one or both of these at some point...

How is each an every one of them a hit. Great consistency, 10/10 post

The Daniel in the Lions' Den one could have had Daniel rolling a nat 20 animal handling check right as the DM warns him it's not a good idea, that would have been even better.

My favourite is the one with Moses coming down with the Big Book of Rules, direct from God. Then getting his pals to kill thousands of his followers for not following the Rules, which presumably they've never seen.

Levites: But doesn't it say in the Rules...

Moses: KILL THEM ALL.

Exodus 32, verse 27

Also, at least two of the rules are basically just "my god is better than your god"
Getting genocided and wondering who the fuck Yahweh is
- The first rule is "Stop worshiping fake gods, you're making the real god angry" and the second is "Stop just making up new gods from scratch. We're monotheists. Fucking act like it." The third, incidentally, is often interpreted to mean "Stop saying my name as a swear word" but is more traditionally understood to mean "Stop claiming you're me or that you're speaking in my name"... which is fucking wild considering everything in the books that follow.
  Getting genocided and wondering who the fuck Yahweh is
  It's not like they didn't know who Yahweh was. They were Jews fleeing Egypt precisely because they held a faith that contradicted the Egyptian high priesthood. You have to go back to the context of the story and recognize Moses only goes up the mountain because he's completely losing control of the refugees he's leading. They're hungry, they're lost, they have no direction or purpose anymore, and the cohesion of the society is falling apart.
  So Moses goes up a hill and says "Okay, God, you got us this far. Now what?" And God sets down commandments. Then Moses returns down the hill and announces "I've got new instructions" and a bunch of the refugees say "Fuck no, we hate Yahweh now. We're going to worship this big bronze bull and steal and rape and murder one another and you can't stop us".
  And then there's basically a mini-civil war in the refugee camp that ends (like so many civil wars do) in a genocide of the losing side.

Lol funny, but also, they were money changers, not money lenders. Exchanging foreign currencies.

Okay now do Lot

LOT: Look I know we didn't get the hint very quickly but I think sending angels to literally handhold us out of the city might be too much railroading for me.
GM: Alright, I'm sorry, I just... I spent all afternoon planning stuff in Zoara.
EDITH: Hey, I know they said not to look back, but I want to look back. They'll never notice.
GM: You sure about that?
EDITH: Let me enjoy seeing Steve get divinely smote at least
GM: Alright, roll a Con save
EDITH: Con save? To look without the angels noticing?
GM: It's not about the angels
- I thank thee. Hopefully the GM's not too salty about Edith wandering off the main storyline again
- Nat 1

Can’t stop giggling. Thank you.

What is that summon demon one?

The Seal of Solomon. Solomon's signet ring, given to him by God, is supposed to have granted him a bunch of supernatural abilities, one of which was the ability to command things like devils and jinns. I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts, hence the GM having to check their books for it
- Why, thank you! TIL
- I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts
  GM: Ask, and it shall be given unto you.
  Solomon: I just wanna flip through that collection of splatbooks you've got back there.

as a roman catholic, i had a good chuckle. hope to see more.

I always link 2 Kings 2 to The Apocalypse Players - A Christmas Inheritance. If you enjoy a Call of Cthulu adventure, I highly recommend it.

when your players are wild but know how to make memorable stories