Who got raptured today?

Apparently this person https://vger.to/piefed.world/post/496315

My favourite theory of the rapture

It already happened .... no one noticed because no one was taken up.

Isn't the rapture supposed to be like... the first step of the apocalypse? Cause I'm lookin around at the state of things right now and uh....
- Yup, the skull fucking imps will be a part of the first wave of demons. Should get used to wearing helmets now to protect your skull.
Or so few people were taken up that it just amounted to a few missing person's cases
- It's all the missing prostitutes from around the world, which is either heartwarming or horrifying depending on your level of trust in theoretical God.
With a hard cap of 144,000 in Heaven, the rapture happened already.

HECK YES LETS GET RAPTORED AF

reads closer

Wait what?

I got raptured but forgot I left the oven on so I came back and now they won't let me back in.

(in a booming voice from the sky)
"Sorry, the bus already left and I didn't have enough money to pay for a second trip. Try again next rapture."

I missed something were we supposed to be raptured today?

Not you.
- Fuck... I had it in my calendar for next Tuesday
I wish... Would probably solve the American fascism problem overnight when all the Christians vanish
- Okay but then the real Christians are gone and all that's left are the Christofascists
Maybe you, but definitely not me.
- Jooooin ussss
There is some wild pastor (from south Africa?) who "dreamt that jesus is coming. Soon." Apparently it's tomorrow to thursday. And then there is some sort of tribulation for 3.5 or 7 years or whatever.
There is going to be lots of people "disappearing" during those two days, according to all this bullshit.
I can't wait 🥱😴
- Occurring over a couple of days? Guess that finally answers my question on whether the rapture would happen planet-wide all at once, or go by time zones.
- Thank you! I was genuinely curious what happened

evangelicals obsession with the raptures, when they havnt done any good in society.

Then every time the rapture doesn't happen, it's like these people have an integrated Memory Reset Button, so they don't have to PUSH and modify their beliefs and superstitions, I mean... god forbid, that would require... (shudder)... making an effort. And we can't have THAT, now can we?
They said sorry to their imaginary friend for all the bad things they always do. One heaven please! 🙏

I got raptured but I was hung up on my bedsheets and just floated in the bedroom for 20 minutes. I guess I'll have to catch the next one.

Ah that sucks! I got halfway up and my beam started sputtering, letting me go a little, and struggling to pull me up again. An angel flew down to warn me there could only be one person per beam due to weight constraints and realized it was just me.
They slowly lowered me back down, stuttering the whole way. Dropped me the last 5ft, than I heard a booming voice from the sky say "No fatties".
- It sucks that the beams were calibrated for the average human body weight 2000 years ago. Apparently they weren't kidding when they made gluttony a sin.

I remember being sucked up a beam of light and two ~~aliens~~ angels welcomed me. Then I woke up in my bed with no memory. Was I raptured?

How does your anus feel?
- They felt the power of the Lord inside them
- A little tender however I had spicy food last night.

Can we circle back and reschedule the rapture for next week? Carrie is on vacation and we need her input.

Skipped over again. Thank god.

I was very disappointed at the gym this morning when I realized I didn't have it all to myself.

It would be good if all the hypocrites who preach about how christlike they are would go away

They all are disqualified for praying in public. Shouldn't have done that.
Also, presuming to tell God what is what, and vanity.

I don't think I w

I just ruptured.

I hope it's a lot of them. Religious psychos are a scourge on humanity. The fewer the better.

I'm at work, so I probably got sent to hell

Me.

...

I got better.

Technically not supposed to happen until the horns sound in Jerusalem, which will happen at sundown. I think we have a little bit longer before we can really mock these morons.