Everybody gets one [choose wisely]

I want to see your magic license

Uh oh... Here sir.
- A team of magick inspectors has been dispatched to your location to deliver you the physical version.
  Remember to always report the loss of your physical wizarding license. The electronic variant only will no longer be accepted after the end of september.

Can you just turn up the happy setting on the world a tick or two? Just enough to get everyone to chill the fuck out.

Sadly I can't alter others directly due to Wizard Code of Ethics... But yeah we as a species should collectively chill the fuck out I agree.
- Then I'll settle for ending all forms of slavery.

I want [a pocket dimensional teleporter]

Granted, your pocket is a worm hole into another dimension, but the location hqppens to be a pocket of the same size and constant, stable connection has been created. Making it feel like a normal pocket.

I wish for you to have a nice day

Thank you. I will make sure to fulfill your wish! Guess I'll go to the cinema tonight afterall :)
- How was the movie?

Just erase me mate

Hey I hope you are ok. I would never do that to you. I hope that whatever you are going through will pass and that you don't give up on living, as painful as that might be right now.
I just want you to know that this random internet wizard wannabe is sincerely wishing you well and hopes you can catch a break from all the shit life is throwing at you right now.

Oh! I was supposed to get pickles! Dill, though. If there's only sweet, don't bother.

Your mind seems to be in conflict, but I see that this is due to another person here summoning a demon which is distorting your ability to think right now. I'll bring you potatoes, oil and herbs (to make chips in the oven) to remove the effect.

If this offer is still available I'd like a cool skirt with pockets and a comfy cloak that avoids dragging on stairs.

Cloaks need to come back into style, so granted. But skirt with pockets? You'll only find that in the school of !witchymemes@lemmy.world. Those witches are powerful beyond my ability.
Edit after reading the second part: Rude, How dare you! I might have barely passed but I'm still a full member of the Wizard School Alumni! I take the cloak back, thank you.

Which reality? I want tacos if it has them, or ghunsht if it has them, but I'll settle for plzgtsk' or some portabello mozzarella sticks.

What have you done! You just summoned the great Acos'sht'gtsk!
Edit: and they brought portabello mozzarella sticks - all good.

I would also like the ability to bend reality to my will

Wizard school was a scam, just become a sorcerer/ess and save your money.
- Yeah. They only taught me how to help people install software

Giant Space Laser that automatically zaps the 100 evilest people in the world each day. Determined by who negatively impacted the quality of life of the most people that day.

Done, but it can't penetrate a specific magical shield (sunscreen) and it's eco friendly so it's a bit slow. Gets faster with time though as the evil people keep doing evil things and unfortunately doesn't discriminate who it zaps :( wear your magishields (sunscreen)!

I wish my niece wasn't sick.

I feel like I shouldn't joke about this one as it might be more than a flu, so I won't write a joke comment. I sincerely hope that your niece gets better and I wish them strenght to fight biology against all odds. I know that your niece is loved, because you writing this comment means that they are in your thoughts, and that makes me happy.
Love them unconditionally and you will also give them strength to carry on and fight their body or external attacks against the body. The world throws shit at us every chance it gets, but your niece is a strong warrior who has survived until now. Support them, give them love, be there for them so they can build up their strenght when it's momentarily waining.
- Your spells are mighty strong, Mr. Wizard. Thank you.

Let's try: I want P=NP

My staff just said P≠NP
could you just make P equal big P please
- Request error: P undefined. Generating best approximation ... Urination will now take 30 minutes.

Can you bring me some of that "existential wonder" feeling, you know, the opposite of existential dread? I've been having a bit of a surplus of the latter, if anyone wants any...

Granted, please study this scroll (website): https://www.gapminder.org/
(BEFORE YOU ENTER THAT WEBSITE READ THIS: I know people are incredibly pessimistic about good news on lemmy, but please know that the linked website was created by Hans Rosling (RIP), his family and the foundation they created to carry on his work. Hans Rosling was a swedish physician and an academic who wrote "Factfulness" (that I highly recommend to everyone, even though it was pre-corona pandemic) and who believed in a better world enough to dedicate his life to make it better)

I want you to put a 32-bit buffer into people's brains so that when they're attempting to do evil, when they cross the threshold, it automatically buffer overflows back onto the good side.

I want it to be like, "I was going to rape and murder this school bus full of children, but instead I made them cupcakes".

I can't directly alter humans due to the Wizard Code of Ethics :( but I know of a warlock...

I wish for another wish

Great, you broke my staff. Happy now?!

Unbend my back pretty please!

I'm sorry today is all about bending, unbendings only on monday and tuesday between 11:11 - 13:23 :(

Turn me into a girl pleeeeeeease 🥺

This is an impossible task unfortunately as we haven't been able to find a way to reverse aging with magic despite millenia of dedicated research into magic. You must continue living as an adult/young woman, Lena, or talk to a dark alchemist or a warlock.
- I have a second wish, can you make all pedantry vanish?

Please write BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER permanently into the sky above each continent high enough and large enough to be seen by all. If a continent has a predominant language it can be in that language and if the math and physics work out it could even be by nation or region.

Granted, but sorry about my terrible staff (hand) writing.

I wish for some kick ass tunes!

Granted, you have access to the worlds finest of tunes in the palm of your hands: https://radio.garden/
- Doooope!

Meteor

Granted, pick up from any of our distribution locations world wide: https://tammojan.github.io/meteormap/
- Thanks.

Snacks

You have been granted an evening with your favourite drink, snacks, and favourite form of relaxation/entertainment media at home. You may also cancel any plans on short notice tonight without any repercussions or possible damage to your relationships due to cancellations.

I wish upon everyone more cute pet pics in their feed.

Granted, please subscribed to these: !cat@lemmy.world !aww@lemmy.ml !illegallysmolcats@lemmy.world !animals@beehaw.org

Can you craft me a toaster that magically toasts the perfect amount to the user's desire, every time?

But your toaster is already enchanted?! The toaster struggles with your desires, though. Are you sure you truly want a perfect toast? Or are you perhaps in the way of yourself?
- You have given me much to consider, thank you kind wizard

make all choclate bars in my house 25% bigger pretty please

Unfortunately the Wizard's Code of Ethics prohibits this due to massive deforestation events that occur when we conjure chocolate :( Magic giveth but magic also sometimes taketh
Buy chocolate from responsible producers!

I have some milk in the fridge, could you turn it into good cheese?

Granted, the bacteria are working on it double time. But not faster than that, because the smart little shits unionized.

make everyone happy or at least somewhat comfortable, all the time c:

Sadly I can't alter the minds of others directly :( but I'll be sure to bring cookies to the library (work) on monday to partially grant your wish!

Shapeshifting

Granted, you can shapeshift to almost any form, but you should get started with pigeon, cow, a hero, or a pyramid: https://www.yogajournal.com/poses/poses-by-level/beginners-poses
- If you want to put in considerably less effort my local witch high on the raw weave told me to just prevent the heat death of the universe and wait you will eventually be everything :)

Can you curse those with extreme wealth with debillitating back pain? The more above the median you are, the more intense. Make sure the cause is entirely known

Done with a twist: I can't alter others directly due to the Wizard Code of Ethics, but I have applied a curse to make sure the wealthier you are, the less people you can trust.
These people can never fully trust anyone. "Does she love me for me?", "is that new guy just kissing my ass or can I open up to them?" will be thoughts so frequent that it will drive them mad the older and lonelier they get.

Biology as a completed science and engineering corpus.

Congratulations. Welcome to the final state of human technology. The stone age of silicon and dark ages of scarcity are over.

I just finished my wizard school man, I barely know how to conjure a sandwich. But regardless, I will help you with this and contribute to the advancement of human magic (science) towards that goal by concentrating my magic (compute power) towards the advancement and research of that magic study: https://boinc.berkeley.edu/
(NOTICE: I had the above linked project in my bookmarks, I recall there are many projects similar to this one. If you want to contribute, look into "sharing computing power for research" and choose an organization / university you feel the most comfortable with)