I have said yes to a date by mistake.
I have said yes to a date by mistake.
Met a 22 yo in a group I am involved in, she asked if I wanted a lift to a meeting, there and back. I don't know her very well but she's young a lot younger than me by 10years.
So talking on the way back she mentions antidepressants, I too take anti depressants, the conversation moves towards SSRIs and sex. I panic because that shit makes me supper uncomfortable, she said some stuff that was a blatant hint. Anyway me and her have activity later in the week for the group we're in, she's invited me out for a drink after and being friendly and uncomfortable I said yea sure.
How best to proceed? I don't want things to be weird and our group get weird as a result. I wish I could set boundaries.
Worth mentioning I have crazy anxiety so don't judge too hard I mostly run on auto pilot in those situations.
Crazy similar situation for me. Out of curiousity, what country, and work or home life? (if you feel comfortable answering)
Best to talk to her before anything else and explain that you're flattered, but not interested. Don't lead her on.
Oooor, don't shut everyone and everything out and maybe give it a try? They are both adults nej?
OP has directly stated that they are uncomfortable with the situation. This isn't even getting into analysis of social power dynamics yet, OP is uninterested, full stop.
Why are you people so invested in OP having sex he doesn't want to have with a woman ten years his junior in a way that's clearly not transparent about intentions?
Are you Swedish?
This is probably the best approach. I'm a bit of a people pleaser which doesn't help in these situations, I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance 😂
If you are open to friendship with this person, then you could still go for a drink. It can be nice to have someone who has experienced similar negative things to talk to.
"I was lowkey hopping a commenter might suggest avoidance"
I'm proud of you for having the self-awareness to recognise your avoidant instincts and taking steps to counter that (i.e. by asking for advice from people). That might not feel like a victory, given that you were hoping people would give you "permission" to lean into the avoidance, but I'm familiar with the kind of hope you describe: it's a shameful kind of hope, because deep down, you know that people aren't going to advise you to ghost her, and that indulging your avoidant instincts probably aren't productive — the shame comes from the tension between knowing what you should do, and your wish to instead take the avoidant path, which I imagine has served you well over the years as a go-to coping strategy, albeit a maladaptive one.
The tension between who we feel capable of being vs. who we'd like to be is quite uncomfortable, but it certainly shouldn't be shameful. Building up healthier skills and habits is a marathon, and it does not require perfection. I hope that you are able to find the strength to take the approach that you understand to be the best, even though that will mean defying your instincts. It will feel clunky, and uncomfortable, but that's just the discomfort of growth.
I hope you're able to recognise that asking for advice here isn't a sign of failure, but a show of your strong resolve to improve — I've found that asking for advice when we already low-key know the correct approach is a way of holding ourselves accountable: you want to communicate clearly and healthily; you also want to curl up so small that you can hide from this girl rather than talking to her. This conflict exists because for whatever reason, you've recognised that your people pleasing tendencies don't serve you or the people in your life very well. Regardless of how you proceed from here, I'm proud of the steps you've already taken to improve yourself. I say this as someone else who had to learn these skills as an adult due to messy family stuff. It's bloody awkward, and stressful, and it takes a long time; that's why recognising the small steps forward is good
“Hey, I was wondering if you could help me figure something out. I was really flattered by your invite the other day, but I’m not interested in dating right now. I enjoy your friendship and I don’t want to jeopardize it. Is there a way we can comfortably set boundaries without ruining that?”
IMO this way you let them know you’re interested in maintaining a relationship but at a friendship level. You demonstrate that you care about their feelings while clearly establishing the need for specific boundaries.
From what you've described, it sounds like she's a straight forward and direct person, which is good. Just be straight forward and direct (but tactful) with her. Something like, "I'm sorry, I think I misunderstood the situation. I'd like to hang out as friends, but I'm not looking for anything more." Optionally, "We can have that drink if it's just as friends, but I'm not going to lead you on if you want something more."
It sounds like you two share some traits, so it seems like being honest about your feelings might be somewhat low risk. If you both have depression and some form or anxiety, she might be having similar feelings. It could be that, while you go along as a coping mechanism, she blurts out what she's thinking to the same end.
In the end, if you value your relationship with her, honestly is always the best policy.
If you're totally uninterested, independently of potential awkwardness, I'd basically explain as much. "I think you're cool and we have a lot in common, but I've been thinking and realized I might not be comfortable with the age difference and potentially changing the group dynamic."
If it's purely the potential external consequences that have you ready to cut off the possibility, and you could actually see yourself in a relationship with them, I'd say you could mention that concern, but don't let it make the decision for you. Sounds like this is someone likely to understand social anxiety and who also values the group dynamic, so I doubt they'd react super negatively to mentioning that you want to be careful about that and preserve it while seeing if there's more there between the two of you.
Cheers, I don't think I am cut out for someone that young, discovering the world and figuring themselves out. But yea I think you and cowbee are correct in I need a dialogue, I will bring it up when where doing some activity.
I can relate to what I'm hearing from you. All I can say is that you'll just have to bite the bullet and have the awkward situation now or have it be twice as bad later.
Be honest with her and expose things clearly, tactfully, and not bluntly. Tell her that you find her amazing but that that the only thing you can offer right now is friendship.
As for the age: (n/2)+7 is a suggestion, not a law. Take things on a case to case basis and a day at a time. I'm gonna turn 40 in march and would need a great amount of rapport with someone younger than 30 or older than 45 to be interested and have the energy to make it work on a long term.
The lower limit is half your age plus seven, so if you're 32 years old then it makes sense to feel uncomfortable. Are you even attracted to her?
No not attracted. Awesome human being and glad to have her in the group but beyond guidance and comradory I have no interest.
Well that's that. If she tries to make it more than friends hanging out, then just politely decline.
Half your age plus seven doesn’t work a lot of the time. I’m 39, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone who’s even 32, they are baby. Not happening, no way. Likewise, even 46 is too old for me.
Then again, anecdote isn’t data, and DiCaprio effectively cancels me out, so whatever.
You could call her and have a conversation and say that you aren't interested in dating, that you don't want to give her the wrong idea, but you can be friends. (At 32/2+7=23, it's outside of what is generally considered an acceptable age gap.)