YSK that only by being yourself will you find people who like the real you. No one can beat you at being you, but you’ll only ever be second best at pretending to be someone else.
Credit to Gurwinder Bhogal and Naval Ravikant
This comes up a lot, and the comments for these posts always get mired in the complexities of for whom and forwhence and forwhicontext this is good advice.
Basically, there are people for whom this is really fire advice (like people who are unnecessarily repressing quirky aspects of their otherwise lovely personalities), and people for whom this is really bad advice (like people who need to stay hidden for safety, or jerks).
Broad, overlapping categories with many dimensions. Not really something you can wrap up in a prescriptive axiom.
That all said, the thesis of the OP holds up. It may be really hard for some people to find someone who likes them for who they are, and there are people who really should change, but it's still true that you won't find many people who like you for you if you don't actually show them who you are.
Real talk: a crappy imitation of someone else can still be a better person than 100% authentic “you.”
Be the best person you can be whether that feels like it’s coming from your innermost soul or not. A lot of us have a bunch of trash inside that’s not worth being 100% true to.
Sometimes I think about what I would think about meeting an identical me. I imagine I would find myself annoying and awkward
You might benefit from practicing self-compassion
I'll add to this, you cannot be second best to your ideal self, firstly because they are an ephemeral and fleeting concept as they are only an idea you have in a given moment, and secondly because by trying to be your ideal self, you will be other people's perception of it.
There's some merit to this idea in general, but it begs the question: who are you? It can be argued that the 'real' you is a set of behaviours developed through your upbringing, education and social history to date. That might carry with it some unpleasant or maladaptive behaviours that, on the one hand, you may want to reject as not being the 'real' you, or if taking a tack of self-acceptance without thorough self-reflection, part of the 'real' you that you can and should change but which now seem like immutable traits.
Some time should be spent on figuring out what the 'ideal' you is - for no one other than yourself - to bring that closer into the field of being the 'real' you, then suss out which elements don't fit from that ideal vision. It should also be noted that the 'real' you, despite maybe being based in some pillars that are resistant to this, can change over time - and that can be OK.
Signed: Guy who twisted himself into pretzel over the last decade and a bit, and is tasked with figuring out this whole 'real you' thing again. Only core pillar I'm not questioning is "Kindness is key", though with new modifier "but you must protect yourself from those who have no appreciation of it, and be able to read and acknowledge those signs from flatterers and other folks who benefit unfairly".
I don’t think it needs to be that complicated. The point is just don’t be disingenuous. It’s like when someone says "don’t lie." That doesn’t mean you have to say everything on your mind - it just means don’t say something that isn’t true.
I see your point, but I still think a little thinking about what the 'real you' actually is is still warranted for the OP statement to work its fullest benefit. Sometimes it can be hard to suss out what's actually 'real' or what was simply adaptation to specific circumstances to present a certain facade that was useful then, but harmful now. We humans are great at lying to ourselves so often it starts to feel like truth.
But agreed - don't intentionally be disingenuous when engaging with others, because you'll likely need to keep that up to keep them in your circle, and at some point the dissonance will bite you in the ass.
I never understood conforming and comparing one's self to others. That's like comparing Xbox to PlayStation. They both have strengths and weaknesses which make them unique individuals. You are also not doing yourself any favours trying to copy others because it adds unnecessary stress.
This is easy (read: privileged) advice to follow if you're entirely self-sufficient. Most people aren't. Most people need things from other people, which means that they have to tailor their words and actions accordingly, so that they're not cut off from resources.
I love your comment because this is literally what happens with democratization efforts in societies where there are very strict gender roles or religious duties. It is very easy to preach about democracy and freedom, but it is harder to truly expand people’s capabilities. If someone is to truly be themselves, they need a context that truly empowers them to be free.
Here’s an example I witnessed: I once saw a man lose his house, his job, and his inheritance, because he came out to his conservative family. He went from a comfortable middle class upbringing to being homeless in a matter of minutes. A friend took him in while he found a job, but it was only a matter of time (and money) for him to flee to a more inclusive society.
In the face of this, perhaps it would be easy to just say “well, at least he found out who truly loved him for who he was”, but we shouldn’t romanticize homelessness, poverty, and severed connections. They’re devastating.
So what can we do? At a shelter I worked in, we made darn sure people had a clear path forward before fully leaving their abuse-filled reality. More broadly, we should strive to expand human capabilities.
Talking is easy. Being capable is harder.
I was able to follow it, but it meant finding a completely different community from the one I was in. That's not an easy thing to do.
The rewards are 100% worth it, though.
I'm glad people are starting to grow up from this tired old sentiment. We live in a vast network of people and literally no one is entirely self sufficient. the ones who seem to be are just striking a pose and selling a vibe as a means of connecting. we do live our lives with consideration of others or else we find ourselves pretty alone when it all comes down.
This, and also you can always be a better, more likable version of yourself. There's a difference between understanding the things people expect from other people and tailoring your actions and thoughts to align with those things, and sacricifing who you are to be taken advantage of, or contorting yourself into something unrecognizable.
It's a fine line that many people who are not neurotypical or struggle with some kind of trauma have trouble finding, but it is real and learning to see it can bring positive and lasting change to your life.
Also, nobody likes someone that eats poop so if you eat your own poop or other peoples poop the stop eating poop.
That last bit reveals something important.
Be yourself unless you’re too weird. There will be no elaboration on what “too weird” is.
So here we all are, every day wondering “Am I too weird?” and not daring to find out lest we be shunned.
Also, nobody likes someone that eats poop
Oh boy, is this how you're gonna learn about scat fetishes?
Solid advice, thank you.
Great thanks now no one likes me
Be yourself (unless you suck)
If people stop liking you when you start being yourself, then they didn't like you to begin with but rather the fake persona you pretended to be.
Yeah, bring back that guy. I hate this new guy.
Almost sounds like it belongs on a Hallmark card, but I can dig it. It's like that bumper sticker "your vibe attracts your tribe." It's cliche but some cliches are popular because there's some truth there.
I've found that, to most of my peers, I'm definitely the weird one. I often let others pick the music because, while most of my coworkers tend to play stuff I find agreeable, the stuff I listen to is too eccentric, weird, and downright alien to them. So we listen to hip-hop, country, R&B, or pop music at work. And I listen to Japanese rock in my car on the way home. So is the real me an eccentric, or someone who's accommodating of others? I don't think there's an easy answer. At least not one that fits on a greeting card.
A man speaks to his wife as a husband, his child as a father, his employee as a boss and a drinking buddy as a friend. None of these are the entirety of the man, nor are they false personas. They are many sides of the same man.
Are you eccentric or accommodating? From the sounds of it, I think you're both.
For me this is less about “being yourself” and more about not overly bending on your values to please others.
We are communal beings, and sometimes that means you have to act in certain ways to get along with the group. However, you should not have to compromise on the things that are most important to you in order to get along with the group. If you do constantly compromise, you’ll probably be liked, but you may never find YOUR group and always feel a bit like an outsider.
(If your friends like to say “that’s fire” And “yeet” and you don’t, that probably shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. If your friend group always expects you to drink when you’re hanging out and you don’t like to drink, then it’s probably a sign the fit isn’t perfect. Try not drinking around them and see if they accept you or else if they push you out and create room for you to find a different group. It’s scary to do, but results in deeper relationships in the long run.)
Yeah I don't think "being yourself" is a thing that anyone has to worry about. You can only ever be yourself.
As you point out, we're social mammals. We always exist in a social context and the behaviors that benefit us are highly dependent on that context.
It's also perfectly natural for our identities to change over time. We don't "discover the real me" we adopt new identities that benefit us more. That's just how being a human is.
I was at a Meyers-Briggs workshop one time (company-mandated) and the facilitator said something that made a lot of sense to me: “At any given time, your personality is about 33% who you want to be, about 33% who the people around you want you to be, and about 33% who you really are”.
I think we adapt based on our context.
Counterpoint: no person exists in a vacuum. Behaviors are an aspect of social interaction, and most are learned through observation (that is, your behavior is mostly the product of interacting with and in some ways mimicking or mirroring other people).
Your "self" adjusts to fit the social environment of the moment - this is socialization. For instance, you probably behave differently if you are alone with your parents, with your parents and your spouse, with your parents and your sibling(s), alone with your sibling(s), alone with your spouse, with your children and your spouse, or with the whole family, and probably all of those interactions are very different from those with your classmates or coworkers.
Changing behaviors with social context doesn't mean you are not being "your true self", it's just life.
I would also argue that there is no privacy and no private life without some aspects of the self remaining hidden at times.
Life is complicated, and you shouldn't worry too much about being "real", you should just enjoy the company of the people you are with in the time that you are with them. It goes by faster than you realize.
Unfortunately being me means basically no socialization so that's not a great way to find people who like me, either.
I love you that way, Edgemaster.
Edit: My comment made more sense before their edit.
Sounds like the perfect way to meet with yourself though
yeah whatever the hell that means
It's mostly just a pointless platitude.
There is no self.
This is not a claim about metaphysics.
Yes and no.
You should try and be your authentic self but if you don't like something about your personality you can pretend to be a version of yourself without that trait and eventually you'll just be that new person. Fake it 'til you make it. It's how I became a decent public speaker. I just pretended to be other good speakers I knew and eventually it was second nature to speak normally without the nervousness in front of a crowd.
The real me is so introverted that I don't find people at all. Well, I find them, I guess, but I mostly want them to leave me alone.
I guess zero human interaction is a tiny bit too low, so my dream is to live in a big city where everybody ignores me.
This requires knowing who you are and I really don't believe anyone does.
Psych 101 student: "I know who I am!"
I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude!
"Who you are" changes with context. For instance, you behave differently with your spouse than you do with your parents. There are things you would do and say with your spouse that you would not with your parents. Similarly if you are with a 4-year-old vs. with a coworker.
Behaving differently around different people doesn't mean you're being "fake", it's just an aspect of human social life.
Very generic.
Here's a better piece of advice: Be a better version of yourself. How you want to really be. Just saying "be yourself" is very vague and spoken of from people who don't know you - you. Only you know you so you should strive for a better version of yourself to project out there than this whole "be yourself" repetitive vague shit.