That would require watching it, and I like myself too much for that.
I had to google, and apparently there's an indie series that just came out on youtube called Murder Drones. It took me just a second of looking at a thumbnail to say "yup, this is the kind of thing that gets an internet cult but does nothing for me."
Yes you can. There might be consequences, but that will always be the case. If obeying orders breaks the law, and disobeying orders breaks the law, then you're a criminal either way. Might as well do what you agreed to do when you joined the military: risk your life to defend the constitution.
If the law disagrees, the law is wrong and should be broken. And if that leads to a punishment, just remember that someone is being ordered to punish you, and they can defy those orders too.
I have to assume these guys only take a shower once a month, at most, and only because people keep complaining about how much they stink. And they definitely only wash their hands if they got shit on them.
Granted. Nothing happens.
I mean, do you really NEED autocorrect? Sure, your text is full of typos, but do you really NEED to spell things properly? Sure, nobody can understand a word you say, but do you really NEED to communicate?
You know what? Having a large number of trained military personnel (including the fucking marines) be victimised and removed from service by the US government might be a good thing in the long run.
I have a strong feeling that whatever you were trying to wish for would be bad already, no ironic twist needed.
Ore Monogatari. I don't wanna spoil in case anyone hasn't seen it, but it gives as many cute, romantic vibes as possible with very little drama, and everyone's just a sweet bean.
I feel like Vyse from Skies of Arcadia should be my answer, just because I know if I played that game when I was 14, he would have been my entire personality.
So it's two steps backwards from Lemmy?
Yeah, if anything, they're MORE important in a gritty game with death and racism. The further a campaign is likely to go, the more you need to know what's "too far".
I'll be honest, I was using the official app. But when a bunch of people jumped ship, I saw how much cooler the new ship was and jumped with them. And I still like this ship.
I'm honestly pretty tired of "horny bard" jokes. Yes, bards are horny, but so is just about every other class. Why do you think a wizard spent hours learning how to charm people? Have you ever seen a paladin with chastity as one of their tenets? Warlocks are into magical findom. Monks have mastered the Open Palm with quick motions. And we all know what druids are getting up to.
Just gonna say it: paladins have the most perverse class features. Lay on hands, aura of courage, immunity to disease... "Give me a Con save against STI." "Don't worry, I brought (aura of) protection!"
I want to stress that a paladin also has a body count, and refuses to tell us which kind of body count that is.
I'd just turn it into a running joke that roughly 50 different bandits have the same picture of the same woman in a locket, and another 30 keep sending money to the same "mother". Then I'll make a cult where the phrase "For the light in my darkness" is some twisted mantra.
Because I'm 32, so it was my thirty second birthday.
As they go inside, God himself appears and says "my child, you have lived your life seeking answers, as misguided as your searching has been. Worry not. You are safe here, and I am ready to answer any questions you might have with perfect, absolute truth."
"I understand. I suppose I have one question that sits in my mind the most, and would bring me the greatest relief to finally hear the answer. My lord... Is the earth flat?"
God shakes his head. "No, it is not flat. It is a globe."
"Holy shit, they got you too? How high does this thing go?!"
He picks it up, takes one look at the front page, sighs, and puts the paper back down.
He does this day after day, never looking at anything but the front page before putting it down. Eventually, the news vendor decides to ask "excuse me, why do you buy the newspaper every day, then just put it down?"
"Well, I only bought it to check the obituaries."
"But you only check the front page. They don't put obituaries on the front page."
"They will for the guy I'm looking for."
One of them knows how to read, one of them knows how to write, and one of them keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.
A man is sitting on a bench in the hallway, waiting to be called to give testimony, when a judge passes by. The judge is in a fit of chuckles, even wiping a tear from his eye.
"Comrade judge, is something funny?"
"Oh, I just heard the funniest joke. I keep playing it in my head and it keeps making me laugh."
"That good? Do you mind telling it to me?"
"I can't. I just gave someone 20 years for it."
You've just been kidnapped by, bear with me, an intelligent animal who can read your social media posts and, bear with me, your only way to ask for help is by leaving subtle messages within your post, BEAR WITH ME.
"But you ARE a lawyer."
"Yeah, so where's my present?"
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Alright, why don't you ever see elephants hiding in cherry trees?
Because they're very good at it.
That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out.
"So, you can talk, huh?"
"Yep" says the dog.
The man is surprised and impressed. "How did you learn to talk?"
"Oh, I was part of a government program run by the CIA to create a new genus of super dog, genius level intellect and top quality skills. I was the only one of the litter who could talk, so they fast tracked me up to being an agent. They taught me how to use a gun with my mouth, how to drive with my paws, how to diffuse a bomb with my tail, and even how to parachute into hostile territory. Apparently, thanks to the genius genes, I learned even faster than the human agents, and I was sent to Russia as a spy within a month.
"I had an amazing time chatting up the local pooches, begging diplomats for treats, and feeding top secret info back to the states. My work even helped delay the war on Ukraine by 2 years, but I blew my cover when I called Putin a jerk straight to his face. He sent his top guys after me, and I had to flee through the city. Jumped onto a train through Serbia and swam across the Bering Strait into Alaska.
"Unfortunately, Putin sent an assassin after me as I was moving through Canada, and he caught my dominant paw. I had to take the guy out with one of my ears, but I managed to survive, and my wounds healed really well. Now I'm retired, so I decided to keep this town safe."
"Holy crap" says the man, transfixed. When the dog's owner comes out, he looks up at the guy and asks "Why the heck are you selling him for only $5?"
"Cause he's a frickin liar! He's never spent a day outside of Utah!"
The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!"
The farmer wastes no time. "My neighbour, Peter, was once as poor as me. One day, he received a cow as a gift, and he began to sell the milk. Suddenly, he is earning twice as much. He could afford to fix the roof, he bought new clothes, and he even took a day off to have wild sex with his wife. That cow made his life so much better than it was before."
The genie nods. "I see. So, your wish is..."
"Kill his cow."
Real person, fictional character, or even just hypothetical: I wanna hear it!
There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.
One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it."
The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of."
As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?"
"I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter.
"I'm John" says the second man.
The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere."
Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"
An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future.
To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview.
The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000.
The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with.
The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal.
Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.
And there's five people in my family.
And I know I'm not Chinese.
So it's either my mum, or my dad, or my younger brother Charlie, or my older brother Huang.
Personally, I think it's Charlie.
At the front desk, the three are informed that there is only one room left, and the room only has one bed. The guys are comfortable enough with each other that they decide to just share the bed between them.
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says to his friends "guys? This is kind of awkward, but I had a sex dream last night. A super hot girl was giving me a handjob on the slopes."
The guy on the right side of the bed then yells "No way! I had a dream that I was getting a handie in the hot tub!"
The guy in the middle just pouts. "It's no fair. You both got super fun, kinky dreams, and I just dreamt I was skiing."
Grass.
Okay, I added the bit about the wheels to make it sound cooler.
A man goes to a stable and asks to buy the fastest horse they have available. The stable manager nods his head and brings him a fine and impressive stallion.
When the man asks how much the horse costs, he is staggered by the answer. "That's... That's half the price of almost any other horse here! Why is it so cheap?"
"Well, you see, the horse is blind" responds the stable manager. "But he's the fastest horse I've ever witnessed, no doubt about that. You just need to give him good directions. And don't bother hitting him, either. Just say Jesus if you want him to go, and Satan if you want him to stop. Go for Jesus, stop for Satan." In retrospect, there was a lot of Christian iconography around the stable the man hadn't noticed.
The man then asks for a test ride, and the stable manager agrees, as he has the man's credit card on hand. The man then says "Jesus", and the horse immediately bolts at speeds the man is genuinely amazed by. The world roars past him and the wind billows in his ears, all as this horse keeps running at full speed. The horse doesn't turn, only moving in a straight line dead ahead.
Suddenly, the man notices a cliff not too far away, but dead in the path of the horse. He reaches for the reins, but they billow in the wind and beat at his hands. He grabs them and tries to pull back, but the horse resists. The cliff keeps coming closer and closer, until the man finally remembers his instructions and yells "SATAN" at the top of his lungs. The horse stops alarmingly fast, knocking the man forward at the very edge of the cliff. The man then looks down, seeing just how high the cliff is, leading straight into a rocky valley.
He leans back in relief, having just avoided this terrible fate. With a hand on his heart, he can only murmur a tired "oh sweet jesus..."
