I think the easiest way to describe how it feels is it is like having a tooth taken out.
You've had it removed because the pain is too much, and now finally that pain is gone, but instead you're sat there feeling puffy and swollen from the recent trauma, and you're just constantly aware of this gap where there used to be something present.
Just like going to the dentist, it gets better though. And I'd do it again in a heart beat if I had to make the same decision.
For me, the most difficult thing was being alone. For 12 years, my entire identity was husband & father. Now when I found myself alone, I had no sense of who I was. That was the darkest time for me. I've also seen others struggle at this stage. Having friends or family that you can reach out to is a HUGE help! Thankfully I was very fortunate to have a large, loving, and very close family. But even with these resources, I've seen other family members turn to darker, more destructive habits after spending that time alone.
At first, very hard.
I left an abusive relationship. I was afraid for my life. He made it clear that I should have been scared though, after some incidents incited by him.
He financially abused me and I had nearly nothing to my name. I took care of our daughter myself. He fought for custody of her. I fought back, and got sole custody.
I would get "anonymous" CPS reports filed against me. It was always nerve-wracking, but nothing was ever substantiated.
He still continues to try to get access to my medical records, to find something to use against me. It has been a decade now.
He still finds ways to mess with me via supervised visitation. (They allow him to break the rules.) I have to brush it off and endure it. Nothing more can be done. I was hoping he would lose interest but he has not.
He had to go to a batterer's intervention class. Based on the court reports, he has not accepted any responsibility for what he has done. He has, however, gotten new vocabulary to weaponize against me and claims that I was abusive. (The incidents in question include me telling him to stop spending money on himself so I could pay rent. Apparently that is "financial abuse" and I "had all the power in the relationship because I made all the money" when he refused to work, but was able to.)
He is tens of thousands of dollars behind on child support. Every time I try to get court to enforce it, he brings me back to court. It costs me a lot of money so it is cheaper to not even try. (He affords it by having his dad pay for it. He doesn't even pay for the lawyer himself. I, however, pay for my own lawyer.) Every time we tried to garnish his wages, he would quit his job.
I have to be very careful with how I live my life because he tried to find me doing anything out of line to take me back to court. If I lose and he gets unsupervised access, he will harm our child. I am afraid of what will happen when I no longer have a restraining order to protect me, but at least I am an adult that can protect myself. (The restraining order has already helped me a few times...)
It is exhausting.
However, life is so much better now. I worked hard and it paid off. I don't have a leech spending all of our money on video games while I bring in all the money, do a lot of the household duties, and take care of a minor child. I don't have to worry about my bank account having much less money and not being able to pay bills, because my partner saw something they wanted. I don't have to fear my own safety in my home. I don't have to shove all of my feelings down or else be belittled. I don't have to be held back and sabotaged, because me achieving something hurts my partner's feelings. I can have friends again without him inserting himself into the friendship or cutting them off from me.
It is much better.
Glad life is going better for you these days! I'm sure your kiddo is proud of you for moving on
It was more difficult, but also more peaceful. I was no longer walking on eggshells, wondering what would set my partner off that day. Constantly having to manage your partner's emotions take so much out of you.
I honestly feel like, even though it's a bit more work, it's nothing compared to doing it all anyway plus having to manage the daily life/emotions/well-being of an able-bodied adult.
I'm just happy to finally be free.
Not a divorcee myself, but one of my close friends got divorced a few years ago, and when she told me, without thinking I said, “Congratulations! That must be a huge relief.” She was so thrilled by my response, and said I was the only friend who congratulated her, everyone else acted all sad and consoling. It was a difficult decision she made, so she felt like it should be celebrated.
That’s been my response ever since, though gently of course, and only if I know the person well enough.
Hah, that was me. People would find out and feel sorry for me but I was like nah, it's actually been amazing and we're both so much happier being divorced.
I was very sad of course, but we still lived together for a month before they finally found a place to live, and we were really getting at each other's throats by the end. But my God, the moment they left and I knew I finally had the place to myself, it was the happiest I've ever been. I was on cloud 9 for like 3 months, just pure fucking joy the likes I've never experienced since. I think it was just finally being free and knowing I could properly move on with my life. I cleaned the whole apartment like a crazy person, bought new furniture, bought a new PC. It was like having a new lease on life. 10/10 would recommend getting a divorce when your marriage isn't working anymore and you both tried your best.
Difficult
Fantastic, actually. There was this giant weight off of me, I could focus on my self and my space, and I had this sense of freedom that I hadn’t had in years. Yes, the logistics of moving took work and there were intermittent periods where I would be angry or sad about something from the marriage but they were short and just the pain of healing.
Getting better all the time!
I only regret not leaving earlier, I was worried my ex might die as he was in a really bad place, had become radicalized on the internet, drink and abusive, I should have left before I too did things I ought not have done, and should have worried much more about the kids and less about him.
But my life immediately improved, as did my children's lives. And it's been a steady climb upward. My ex floundered for quite a few years but found his way too, quit drinking, that helped a lot. He eventually caught up on child support, before the last kid was 18, even. Is not prospering but is much more stable.
I used to argue with him that he should straighten himself out while he had the love and support of a family but I guess everyone has to find their way however they can. I will say his life getting worse while mine got better, while it didn't make me happy, did make me feel secure in the decision to leave.
I finally feel in control of my life and not emotionally beholden to someone who takes advantage of my kindness and refuses to do their part to make things work. I am now a lot more financially strained but I am so much more at peace. It's been eye opening for me. I am glad I left. I'm hoping my kiddo also sees the difference in me.
It sucked, but it was the right call. As soon as I got sober, I realized that we didn't belong together. To put it plainly, I didn't enjoy spending time with her. Something the alcohol masked tremendously. Luckily I had some support from friends, but even that came with caveats. I went from being respected, to being seen as a creepy outsider within my friend group, which was very weird. I hosted two great parties whilst married, and once single, I decided to throw a Halloween costume party rager, and nobody showed up. It's like taking a very large cut to your social standing.
I also had some random people come out the woodwork trying to jump my bones, and it was such a turn-off, gave me the ick. I honestly should have just moved to a new city after the divorce, it would have made things easier.
I made the same mistake a lot of freshly de-coupled people make, trying to date WAY too early. Like, 6 months after the end of a decade long relationship, is not the time to start a new long-term relationship. As time goes on, now I'm 3 years post-divorce, and due to some more personal turmoil, I'm only now opening myself up to the possibility of trying to date again. It sucks that doing the right thing is usually also the hard thing, and takes time to get over.
For the first few weeks post separation it was hard, mainly because I missed my kids. But for the two years we were separated I got in great shape, learned to be alone and love it, and had some great experiences.
