My favourite is: "And what are YOU waiting for?" (To get married). Mind your own business, relative i see once or twice a year.
Since it'susually older relatives to say that, you can answer: "your inheritance"
There nothing wrong in telling people that you're happy as you are and just talk about something else. Unless you're not then you actually have something to talk about!
I don't see the problem really or mayne I'm just naive?
From my experience, the problem isn't the question itself but how and why it's being asked. I've seen it used as a way of measuring one's success because they believe everyone should want and have a family to be successful in life and if you don't want or have that, you are treated differently and sometimes even as an outright failure to them.
Or just say you're already getting all the sex you can handle. Usually that will shut relatives up quick
This one actually hits way deep. I used to be EXTREMELY attached to my parents, like to an unhealthy level, especially my mother. And over the years, politics has driven a deep wedge between us. That might sound sad and like an overreaction on my part, but honestly, every time I've traveled home to visit with them, I've asked and made it clear that I do NOT want to discuss politics with them at all. They are Trump-Loving extreme Republicans, and I'm 100% Progressive. I am still trying to love them despite our differences.
However, they (especially my father), just cannot fucking help themselves from making snide ass remarks under their breath about the issues with "Liberals", "Blacks", "Illegals", LGBTQ+ people, "Wokeness", and insert Republican Boogeyman here. And I would try so hard to grit my teeth, and ignore it. I would do okay for a comment or two. Even though they knew I was purposefully ignoring them and getting silently angry, the comments would get louder and more pointed until I finally flipped my shit. Then all of a sudden I was the asshole who was "too sensitive" and "couldn't handle the truth" etc.
Last Christmas I went home for the holidays, first time in over a decade because fuck holiday travel, but I knew it would make my mom happy and I had the time off. I was hella anxious about it because my husband couldn't come with me. And it was fine for the first two days, but on day 3 we got into one of the worst arguments I've ever had with them. Screaming at each other, lots of tears, etc.
I told them how shitty they were for picking at me like they do, and my mother told me that they do it on purpose because they like to see me get riled up. That truly upset me. I told them how long it took me to fucking de-program myself from the brainwashing that they'd done to me growing up, that truly upset her. I felt so bad about it, because she cried a lot, but it's all true. They raised me with some disgusting ass beliefs that I parroted because it got me their approval. I know people shit on the military, and it's warranted, but I really believe I'd be stuck in the same mindset if I hadn't joined up and met the people I did and see the places I've gotten to see.
Ugh, I didn't mean for this to be such a novel of a comment, but this meme struck me and I just started unloading. I appreciate you Lemmy for letting me drone on about my bullshit!
Unsolicited advice, but I find those situations far easier to tolerate if I know I have a way out. That can be simply leaving the room to getting in the car and driving away. You aren't obligated to sit there and take it, you don't owe anyone an argument or justification for anything.
Some people cannot leave things alone, and you can't change that about them, but you can control your location. Try to disengage, try to distract, and when those fail go for distance.
No I really appreciate it actually. It IS good advice for others who may be in a similar situation. I do try to remove myself from the situation, but sometimes it'll be while we're eating dinner or something.
Actually, this last blow up at Xmas I had already upset my mom a little because she wanted to drive out the ~2 hrs to the airport to grab me instead of me renting a vehicle. But I did put my foot down because knowing that if shit got that bad I'd have an escape plan was the only thing keeping my anxiety at bay.
It really is helpful to know that you can just bounce if it gets to be too much
Time to start calling them sensitive snowflakes, because they seem unable to stop whining about others being granted the civil rights that they enjoy. Sounds like they can't help shedding their conservative tears.
I feel you. I've had a very similar experience with my boomer parents.
Ugh, I'm so sorry to you and anyone else that can commiserate with this experience. It's a really shitty place to be in.
Especially because I'm sure, like me, you do have good memories of them being loving, caring people, so it's hard to sit across the table from them and see what they've become. And to have everyone pick at you with no backup so you are completely isolated and left to fend for yourself.
I know people shit on the military, and it's warranted, but I really believe I'd be stuck in the same mindset if I hadn't joined up and met the people I did and see the places I've gotten to see.
Domestically, the military is and has always been one of the great engines of social progress in the US. I don’t blame you for joining.
Internationally, well there’s the whole armed fist of the capitalist establishment thing to contend with, but that a whole different can of worms.
I was 14 and the first time I talked with my uncle was him berating me over playing video games. That was also the last time I spoke to that fucker.
Yeah it’s also a way to filter all assholes out of your life when they hate on video games. The inability of ‘being able to play’ to just find joy in life is usually a red flag of a raging type A. Like every moment of your life isn’t just for production. We’re not bees.
My favourite is when toxic family members try to say they are doing it ‘out of care’
Either the family is terrible or you get insulted too easily
Learned this trick a while ago to tell the difference: don’t interrupt a person who you might think is being critical. just let them run on for a while and tap out for a bit.
If that other person comes off like they are harassing and verbally abusing when no one is being defensive to them it becomes pretty clear they are the toxic bully.
If they sound concerned and you not replying to it makes you look and sound dismissive, you’re the problem.
That said:
insulted too easily
Tends to be what an insecure toxic person says when people stop replying to their lashings.
I was also gonna say both but then I realized there's the victim shaming that makes people stay with toxic families!
Probably both
- been on both sides
Nope. Completely stopped talking to my extended familly. Just hang out with my inlaws (all great people) and my nuclear family. I don't feel awful after every get-together now.
