Why cant I just shoot my shot?
Why cant I just shoot my shot?
Hey lemmos, and lemmettes. Just got off jury duty for a 3 day civil trial. First time juror, had a BLAST despite my expectations, really enjoyable to see a functioning justice system in person, and I also met cute gal also early 20s who was on the jury.
Now some context, I have not had a date since my ex cheated back around the begining of COVID so ive basically lost any sembelece of self-confidence when it comes to flirting. I'm confident in myself as a person, I'm pretty rad if I'm not being modest, but when it comes to chatting up the ladies, I mentally only can visualize rejection.
Now I was planning on asking her out for dinner or drinks this weekend following the case, but on the way out she was caught behind walking and talking with some other peeps. I got caught up in my anxious brain and just ended up bailing. Sent a FB messenger pm on the metra ride home but the profile is inactive so I think I missed my chance at a genuine connection.
Why is my monke brain like this. Why cant I let myself be happy. **All I want is to give somebody the love I can no longer seem to give myself. **
UPDATE: Connected over linkedin and gave it a shot. In a relationship :( . Still, glad that I tried, and thank you to all the commenters who helped settle my anxiety.
Practice. The more you do the things that frighten you, the easier they become. It's like applying for jobs. You can learn from rejections, too, and not be hurt by them as much.
Fair point, I haven't exactly made many 'real world's attempts. Mostly just online dating matches that either don't give the time of day, or don't ever develop enough to physically meeting. Not really training any actual personal skills there I guess.
Classic anxiety (not trying to diagnose you, but I've been there)
Do you meditate? This is by far the biggest contributor to being able to get out of my own head. It helps me appreciate the difference between how I feel (including the physical reactions to stress) and what is really happening
The second biggest contributor is exercise
No worries, clinically diagnosed and medicated lol. I do meditate and I've always been really mindful of the present. The problem i have though is I hyperanalyze, and in doing so change my perception of reality in the here and now.
Exercise though...I really need to start actively doing. I'm in no sense of the word overweight, always been on the slender side no matter the diet. But I've adopted the toxic mindset of exercise is just to lose weight.
Yeah, it's unfortunate that most of the benefits of exercise aren't immediate and obvious. Makes it much harder to form the habit. But it has pervasive and far reaching benefits to almost every aspect of life, it would be weird how helpful it is if it wasn't basically what we were pretty much "designed" to do.
Exercise games helped me to form the habit, basically gave something immediate and obvious to focus on, while I built up the habit. Then the important part was to then transition to a more stable long term exercise style, because eventually the game will get stale and lose it's motivational value.
Specifically I used ring fit and VR games to get started, and then transitioned to gps games on my phone for outdoor exercise. Then storyline based walking/running games. I still have a hard time with going to a gym, but that is mostly social anxiety and fear of failure. I do know it can be a really good option if I can get over the initial hump, just haven't managed. I'm thinking maybe hiring a trainer will probably help with that. I can usually get over my hurdles if someone else is relying on me, and a trainer would also help me make sure I'm not doing anything wrong. I know the strangers/future friends at a gym would also do that, but turns out I haven't been able to talk myself across that line yet, lol.
But yeah, enough about that. Mostly just keep in mind there is likely a path to get where you want, you might just have to get creative to find it.
My experiences weren't dissimilar and I suggest getting a good psychologist if you can afford one. Other than that, confidence (for me) is literally just "fake it till you make it." Sure rejection sucks - badly - but if you can just be direct and honest, and laugh at your own mistakes, you'll probably have an easier time. Good luck dude.
I have a similar problem to you. I'm definitely not afraid of talking to others, but my brain is hardwired against being good at it. Whenever I strike a conversation, it lasts maybe three lines because I'm always struggling to decide what exactly is best to say, and then by the time I say it, the conversation ends.
That said, we women are all different and so flirting is going to work differently for everyone. I'm just open-minded, so when someone flirts with me, even if it's something completely random or awkward, I'll play along in my typical way (while hoping the other person doesn't ask for anything passionate, for one thing I'm asexual and many friendships have died due to this). However, other women will have other things they'll wish to judge and focus on. Ironic as it may seem for someone like me to say it due to my struggles, there are no "inherent cues" to go by. The only real rule of thumb is, the more legroom you have to be yourself in the short term, the less stressful it will be over time.
We need to develop a universally agreed upon, unmistakable gesture or signal to gauge interest in others. Like flashing a peace sign but with 3 fingers instead so you can indicate like "hey you cute, mind if I consensually put the moves on?"
Hey dude, all good dude.
I'm not sure how to go about handling the situation, seems like you've thought about all the ways you 'stuffed up'. But in my experience with rumination - a lot my triggers come from black and white thinking.
When I ruminate, a lot of what pops in my head are the times I stuffed up. Like times when I was humiliated, or times when I had missed amazing opportunities. And I beat myself up because the solution was seemingly, oh so simple.
Rumination isn't a bad thing, it can be a visceral motivator, but for me the trouble was the deep well of horrible emotions that would arise after spiralling.
If you spiral for to long, your brain will only accept black and white solutions, since your brain is in panic mode and looking for an easy out. But, the tough thing you need to train your brain to do (Trust me it is difficuilt) is to instead catch yourself going down a thought spiral (the earlier the better) and try and think something less black and white.
E.g. You tried to message her, and plus she may not have the genuine connection you were hoping for. There will be a next time, times where it's appropriate: to experiment socially.
You tried to message her afterwards - that's a pretty big win in my opinion.
I have the help of CBT and antidepressants, so keep that in mind. And plus this advice may not be for you, I just hope you pull through and see it as a positive learning experience.
Stay rad