Am I an asshole for not wanting to get a job when I have enough passive income to support us both?

Okay, I'm on your side on this one OP, but let me play Devil's Advocate here...

Perhaps your GF is worried that you will get stuck in a rut and become depressed? I often feel this way when I don't have a routine to keep me busy. At first I enjoy the feeling of not having to wake up and go to work every day, but eventually all of the things that bring joy into my life become less fun, and I start to feel bored and unfulfilled.

Here's another angle: Maybe she thinks there may be a possibility, however slight, that the passive income might not last, might not keep up with inflation/rising costs. or might not be enough to cover a large expense like a medical emergency or catastrophic disaster?

I know if I were not working, I would be worried that I would be falling behind on my professional development, and if I ever did have to get a job again, I'd have a massive gap in my work history. Sure, you could always lie and say you were "self-employed" or whatever, but if you aren't keeping up with the industry, you might not have developed skills to just jump back in at the same level you were at before.

Okay, done playing the Devil's Advocate. Here's my thoughts:

I don't think your GF is wrong for wanting to be with someone who has some career aspirations or ambition, but like most relationship problems, the solution is to sit down and talk out. First you need to establish some clarity. What are her expectations for you? Why does she feel the way that she does about working for a living despite having enough passive income to live comfortably? Why would you not working annoy her? Why does she care so much about developing yourself, and does that development strictly need to be tied to a job where you collect a paycheck?

Once you've figured out why she feels the way that she does, it might be possible to either convince her of your viewpoint, or come to a satisfying compromise. Would she be satisfied if you took one of your fun hobbies and made it a side-gig? Would that count as a job according to her criteria? Most people can't do that because it's hard to pay bills without taking all the fun out of it being a fun hobby, but without the financial pressure to produce, you could take it at your own pace, take breaks, do what you love and still make a "career" out of it.

What about school? It's not a job, but lots of people enjoy learning and if I did not have to worry about working to live I would absolutely take community college courses on topics that I'm interested in learning more about. That's another form of development that she might find acceptable in lieu of a job.

There are also more traditional "fun" jobs that have you working for an employer and collecting a paycheck that you might be able to tolerate on a part-time basis. Think big - work at an ice cream parlor in the summer, or wear a mascot costume for a sports team, or volunteer your time at a charity. These are things no sane person would think of as a career, but they could be entertaining or fulfilling distractions from your regular day-to-day if you are okay with doing them.

Again, I don't think you are in the wrong for wanting to stand your ground on this. These suggestions are just for if you want to do it to make her happy. You have the luxury of being able to not work, and that's an incredibly rare blessing. You shouldn't have to compromise on this just to appease her. If you want to take advantage of this unique financial position you are in, she should be able to understand that desire. If she can't, maybe you two aren't compatible? It's definitely a no assholes situation, but if you can't agree on something like this I would say an amicable breakup is warranted. She can romantically pursue someone who puts more value on work, and you are not reliant on her financially, so you could just be friends instead.

Your girlfriend wants to do something with her life, and she wants a partner with the same drive. You're comfortable where you're at. This sounds like an incompatible arrangement to me, but no assholes here.

Your girlfriend is the asshole here.

My girlfriend says she doesn’t like that I don’t work and don’t do anything to “develop myself”.

Yet, she herself doesn't work and she relies on you financially.

she says she doesn’t want to get a job because I don’t have one

That's just an excuse for her not to get a job.

I would get where she's coming from if she has a job and doesn't rely on you financially. Sorry but she sounds like a leech that's complaining her provider isn't providing enough.

Sounds like you don't need that girlfriend

What does she do to improve your life? Sounds like you are doing everything to support her. The role she fills for you, I don't mean to be harsh, but sounds like it can be filled by anyone. I didn't hear you professing your love, or being amazed by whatever traits she has. Sounds like it was maybe convenient for you. I would try to do better, as the resentment will only get worse with time. She should be grateful her bills are paid and she can work and develop herself and have extra cash to do whatever she wants without relying on you.

I'd run.

I don't think you're the asshole.

I think she wants something to proclaim when out with friends or whatever, that sounds prestigious.

Source: Dated someone before my now wife who didn't like that I left a well-known brand name company to work for a no name even though it paid ~40% more.

I would indeed say nobody is the asshole here, but your girlfriend is very immature and lacks self-awareness.

People in general want status and wealth. Both are useful things to have in life, status gives you people to help you do what you want and wealth gives you resources to do what you want.

Your girlfriend wants those things and she doesn't feel like she got them, even though objectively, if you can sustain yourself without working, you're very wealthy. But it doesn't feel like that because you can probably barely sustain yourself, i.e. you can't go on cruises every 2 months and buy sports cars.

This is obviously a very materialistic and imo toxic worldview/desire, even though it's very pervasive throughout our society.

But the more specific thing imo here is how women's attraction works. This is not a universal thing, but most women are very attracted by ambition or drive, because it is a signal that you will be able to provide for a family. This is not a rational attraction, i.e. it doesn't matter if you're already rich and could potentially provide, the attraction for even more ambition as a character trait is still there.

Then what many women also want is a man to "follow". Maybe daddy issues. They want a man to look up to, one that is strong, smart, good, confident, ambitious, a leader. Most often more than themselves. That's why she says she can't work when you don't work. She wants you to remain in this "superior" attractive position, which wouldn't be the case if she worked and you didn't.

So in my opinion, she's essentially trying to make you more attractive to her so she can stay with you, because she likes you and how her life is set up. But she's unaware how toxic that is. She's unaware how her attraction works. She's extremely materialistic. She seems very entitled imo. I would say she's the asshole, but at the same time I can't quite blame her either, because all these things are very often what society tells you is good or happen very naturally, and you have to be exposed to certain ideas and do a lot of self-reflection to get away from this thinking.

It's up to you to figure out what to do here. I probably would tell her all these things and see how she reacts. I certainly wouldn't change anything I'm doing if I was in your position.

Not her fault for losing interest in you. I think it wasn't a big deal until you got more serious with her and she had to start thinking about what having a family with you would be like and is probably internally realizing you would struggle with fatherhood. I'm not against you though. if you found a way to not have to run the society treadmill the rest of us do then I'm happy for you.

I mean, expecting someone to jump into working for someone else just for show is bullshit. Why the fuck would you want to go backwards just for an empty paycheck you don't need? Even if your passive income is from a shitty source, that still doesn't mean you have to just take a fucking job.

Now, if she had said something else, like maybe finding interests that fulfill you, that would be at least reasonable. But the way you've described it here, she be trippin.

If she's not fulfilled by her job enough to want to go do it regardless of necessity, why the fuck should anyone else?

If you were asking who's the asshole, it would be her.

But this isn't "am I the asshole" it's c/relationshipadvice

My advice?

Be blunt about it. Say up front that you have no desire to chase after a job just for the sake of working. If that's not okay by her, she knows where the door is.

If your passive income is rent, meaning you're a landlord, then yes you should get a real job instead.

Otherwise, this seems like a real difference in values between you two. If you feel secure now and for the foreseeable future, then it's a perfectly valid choice not to want to try and climb into a new economic class. If you're just comfortable for now, with no real retirement savings/emergency fund, then it makes sense for her to worry about the long term finances. If you can choose any route to "develop yourself" (e.g. become an artist or writer, do community organizing, do engineering projects), and the requirement is not necessarily to make more money, then I would view that as a push to get you out of complacency and distraction, which wouldn't be as bad.

Honestly, you're living the dream, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise... im sorry you have to be put in that position, but as someone with experience in this area, I will say she will probably never get over this feeling or let it go. Im not sure what it is, but for some reason, some women feel like you need to be doing more, and it's frustrating. Even more so since you are being told this from someone who is ok taking complete advantage of it yet has zero issue with it when the roles are reversed. Im not sure how anyone can better themselves working a job for another boss doing work for another person when they don't have to. Good luck to you since im sure you will try to convince them otherwise, but just remember this will always bother them, and it will come back up when they can't take it anymore.

It could be that she feels stuck. I think she wants growth, dreams, goals, excitement. Not status quo for the rest of your lives.

Neither of you is an asshole, you just have different visions on life 🩷

Whatever your passive income situation is, will it carry you through retirement with essentially no risk? If not, YTA. Get a job. Have a plan for the future that won't bite you in the ass. And keep in mind large resume gaps really can be a red flag if things go south. (Whether they should or not is another issue - that's the hand we're dealt)

If you are covered there... I think NAH? But also maybe YTA or ESH? The concept of not having to work at (I'm assuming you are) a relatively young age is pretty rare and the concept is hard to grasp. If you've got things covered, cool, but I can also understand how she might feel a bit of an unfair imbalance, kinda like how most people feel about the billionaire class. Whether that means you should work... I'm not sure.

But here's a big thing to consider: you're not married. Even if you were, her being dependent on your passive income makes her all the more dependent on you. If your relationship comes to an end (which is always a possibility) she will need to make a living of her own. Problem is, she will have lost time to build up her own savings, experience, professional networking, etc while doing nothing and be at a huge disadvantage compared to others at her age.

I can understand her wanting you to be productive, but can't understand her not being thrilled that you don't have to work for money. I had a guy who lost his job and descended into rage and right wing racism because he stayed on the computer all the time, he definitely needed to work, so personally have some baggage about guys who don't work (men wired to protect and provide can get crazy paranoid if they don't think they are providing) and perhaps she has some experience informing her too but that's her problem not yours. And I'd relax if you were taking care of the house and all, that IS productive work. Maintaining a property is hard.

If she wants more lifestyle she can work, and add that $ to the household income.