What should I expect from someone who has just been released from prison?
My older brother is being released on parole at the end of this month after serving 11 years and 3 months of a 15-year sentence. I’m 19 now, so I was very young when he went to prison and don’t have many memories of him. He’ll be living with our parents and me after his release, and to be honest, I’m feeling a bit anxious about it.
I know others will mention some of the personal things, so I'll instead focus on ways to help him try to reintegrate with everyday life and society socially.
You could start to try to help with some things he will interact with daily. The chances of him knowing about basically anything electronic you use now on a daily basis are slim. This is one of the biggest daily interactions that many former inmates have trouble with and betting up to speed on in modern society.
For some perspective, 11 years ago was 2014, and the launch of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus. All the advancements since then will be new. LTE actually being widespread and usable, 5G even being a thing at all.
An offshoot of those are things like TikTok, YouTube Shorts, Instagram Reels, etc. which are massive social media hubs now, but didn't exist then. Heck, Vine was technically still around for a couple years after he went in. Educating about changes to media consumption and social media use can help with integration back into society, and suggesting some recent things to catch up on can provide recent and relevant topics of conversation for daily life.
I mean no offense, but this is terrible advice. The man's leaving prison after 11 years, learning the latest social media fads is nowhere near the top of the list of important things he'll need help readjusting to.
You're wrong, but I understand why you think that way. You're almost surely focusing on the concrete aspects of life, not the things you just live everyday without thinking about, like just talking to people, small talk, filling awkward silences, etc. I'm not suggesting the #1 priority is to catch up on the Kardashians, but it's about having something in common to talk about with people around them.
Their entire life has been prison for 11 years, they need something current to be able to talk to regular people about while going about their day. Otherwise they will feel like an outcast that knows nothing about current society and cannot relate to anyone on any level because they don't know what the people are talking about or referencing. It's literally the Captain America "I understood that reference" situation.
They're going to be treated as an outcast by a lot of society simply because they have a record. Anything that helps them connect will help.
This entire topic is about the help that the younger sibling can help with. Current social trends are exactly what they can help with, easily, it's what they already live daily. They're an expert on that.
Yeah. It's easy to spot people for whom the internet is the focal point of their entire life.
For some perspective, 11 years ago was 2014
No way.
Edit: This was not meant in the "No shit Sherlock" way.
Adding to this: TikTok, Shorts and Reels have complete new threat model that begun emerging in 2010'. There is highly likelihood that he will get addicted the first time he touches it.
Things that changed significantly in the last 10 years:
AI slop - he will need to learn how to spot fake stuff.
Social Media Algorithms - how to train them to watch stuff you want to watch and not to fall into toxic rabbit hole
Taxis ware replaced by uber and other gig stuff.
The fact that you’re even asking suggests that you genuinely give a damn and have the right mindset. Feeling anxious in a situation like this is perfectly natural. You seem like a good brother.
Don’t bombard him with questions about what prison life is like. He’s going to have enough to deal with; don’t make him recount tales of a terrible period of his life. On the other hand, let him talk if he wants to. Listen and be supportive.
Don’t sneak up on him. For example, if he’s watching TV in the living room and didn’t notice you walk in, clear your throat or something.
I imagine that privacy is a thing he will value highly. NEVER walk into his room without knocking and waiting for him to respond. None of that “knock while opening the door” bullshit.
Be patient, sensitive, and give him time to adjust. This will be a HUGE change for him - almost as big as adjusting to prison life. You’re going to have to do a difficult balancing act between helping him and not treating him like a baby. Nobody would get that right 100% of the time. Don’t judge yourself too harshly when the inevitable mistakes happen.
Consider showing him this thread.
First thing first: it's absolutely normal to feel anxious.
Maybe you could see him as you would see a stranger or, say, some remote uncle, come stay at home for a while? Don't have expectations because you don't know him? Like you said, you have little memories so take that as a starting point: your memories will be the ones you may start building together once he gets back home.
Let him come home and see how things unfold. Also, be ok with him being and feeling awkward too. And with having some... adjustments issues. It's a huge change for him, too. Plus he may have more memories when he arrives, that coudl also hinder your first attempts at being together. I can't imagine being in prison for so long won't have left some deep marks on him, too so be ok with him screwing up a little.
If I may ask, haven't your parents discussed him coming back with you already? If not, maybe it is something you may want to discuss with them openly?
Not knowing you or your parents and your brother, it's hard to be more specific I'm afraid.
You could start with your oldest memories of him. That could help with building the new relationship.
But: no one of us knows what things he has learned there, during 11 years. But I am sure there are some bad things among it.
So I think it would be best to be careful at all times. Tell him that you hardly know him, but treat him like you don't know him at all.
Edit: one more thing comes to my mind. I interpret from your posting (I may be wrong) that you did not visit him regularly. Then this is going to be an issue.
You shouldn't avoid it. Think about it.
If you are going to apologize, do it soon, and try to be open about it (surely there were reasons, and there were circumstances). Maybe he would still hold a grudge from it for some more time. Then accept it, because it simply needs time.
I'm assuming American: Severe social anxiety, touch aversion, ptsd, strong desire for routine. Weight gain in the first few months.
Also a long time to adjust to how rude people are in public spaces compared to inside. Inside disrespect => violence.
My older brother did a few shorter stints over about 10 years but hasn't been back for about 8 years or so. He still has a hard time dealing with crowds + parties but that may be his personality too.
He just needed personal space and time to adjust. It took him about the same amount of time as his sentences to get back to comparable normalcy. He has never been quite the same though. Much less outgoing. I miss the brother I had and I appreciate the one I have now.
Interesting. I had exactly the same reaction to graduating from high school.
yeah your high school was totally a prison 🙄