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I don't understand how so many people are so bad at, well, this part of life
A. Don't make plans you don't actually want to do B. Communicate openly and honestly. If something comes up or if you change your mind
Some people are like "oh but that's hard and awkward" to which I say go fuck yourself. You're making the world shittier for everyone.
I'm so tired of living in a world where so many people absolutely do not have their shit together.
ADHD is a hell of an impulsivity multiplier. Everything sounds amazing at the time…when it comes to doing the actual thing, it can seem like climbing Mt. Everest. Time also works differently for some of us (Time Blindness fucks up much more than just this one area of our lives). As a result, when we make plans, those plans are “out there” or “some other time in the future” or “not now”. So when it comes time to do the thing, you forgot it was ever going to happen. Dates and days are hard to keep track of, too. Things have either already happened, are happening now, or are some nebulous blob of “will happen at some point”…which doesn’t quantify anything at all.
As a result, when things go from “future” to “now”, we’re often caught by surprise and haven’t been anticipating it, so we don’t prepare. Maybe we planned to sleep in that day, etc, and when you get a reminder the night before, it can be very jarring.
I hope I’m not making this sound stupid, it’s hard to explain but it is a real thing. And no amount of reminders or calendars or alerts will “cure” it…they help, but you can’t plan for every occurrence and some apps won’t let you set multiple alarms a week out, a few days out, 1 day, hours, etc. It’s limited to 1 or 2 that are pre-programmed, and if you want more you have to manually input them all them every time. Not easy to do when you’re in the middle of paying your bill after a doctor’s visit with other people waiting behind you.
It sucks.
Thanks for the reply. It was informative and helpful.
I really struggle to imagine what that's like. It's like you're telling me sometimes you forget to swallow and you end up with a lot of mystery food in your mouth. Scheduling is trivial for me, and it often feels like when people screw it up it's from negligence or apathy. Even if it's not.
And as the person who's getting flaked on or ghosted, it sucks. We made plans. I set aside time on Saturday for this thing together, and then you bail at the last minute because you forgot you had other stuff? Fucking hell, now my Saturday is fucked up.
Even if the flakiness is a medical problem, the pain and frustration is causes other people is real.
Thank you for being so civil and understanding, I appreciate it.
And I know that is not fair to my friends and family - I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult (as is common with women because we’re not “typically” hyper like boys when we’re young). As a result, I didn’t know what this was and I often got told by others how disrespectful it was to always be late. I took that seriously and tried to fix the problem - extra alarms/reminders, every physical and electronic calendar/alert thing I could find. I would write dates and times on my hand because I knew I was guaranteed to see it (but showers screw that up if I don’t remember to add it when I get out; I keep a pen and a sticky pad in the barhroom).
None of it works; my mom and SO collaborate and told me things were 30 mins earlier than their actual time so that I wouldn’t be late.
The best I could figure for events that day is that I consistently underestimate how long it will take me to get ready - ADHD also means you have to spend an equal amount of time searching for items you planned to wear/bring because they’re never where you thought they would be…ever.
The other thing for “day of” is *overestimating” how much time exactly 5 mins, 10 mins, etc actually takes to pass, so I always think I have more time than I actually do. It’s weird and frustrating & has cost me a lot of money in just late doctor appointment fees alone over the years.
I don’t know what else I can do at this point - my brain just doesn’t have the capability to keep time straight like other people do. It impacts my work life, social life, relationship life, family life, school life, etc. Is that a bill I need to pay? Yep. Is it due now? Nope…boom it goes into the abyss of “stuff in the future/not now”. It can be debilitating sometimes; luckily my partner is neurotypical and takes care of a lot of it for me. If they weren’t around, I would have to get some sort of personal assistant just for personal life duties. And that’s embarrassing to admit because I’m well into adulthood and have a “good” job with a lot of responsibilities. That’s why I typically never mention it at work.
We know that, and we hate it, but that doesn't make the problem go away. Shit sucks for us, too, and getting yelled at for it doesn't make anything better. It's why a lot of us will just limit our circles to people who understand from direct experience, and not make plans with people who don't have the 'flake' trait.
I probably owe some of the people who read my post at the top of this thread an apology. It was mostly an outburst from years of frustration.
I know intellectually most people are trying their best. I shouldn't take my frustrations out on random Internet people. I did a bad and I apologize.
The thing is, your feelings are valid too. So it's all complicated and we just have to make the best of it.
Unfortunately there are a lot of us who get too tired to deal with it anymore, for your sake and for theirs. Just easier to keep to myself than try to form a meaningful bond I will inevitably destroy with my shitty brain.
The upside of ADHD people, is that our relationship decay modifier tends to be low or zero; meaning I can go a year or more not talking to someone and still be just as happy to see them as if we'd be regularly hanging out that whole time. I know it sucks for people on the other end (if they're not ADHD; if they are, well, they're probably the same way as me), but I legit forget people exist. I don't notice time passing until I do, and then I start to panic because I realize how much time I've spent doing nothing. Then eventually something takes my mind off that and I go back to not realizing how much time is passing.
I've got a double whammy, ADHD and medical issues. But my coping mechanism for ADHD scheduling is calendar entries with multiple reminders. It's hard to learn new habits, but I wouldn't let another ADHD person use it as an excuse more than a couple times before I just moved on. As for medical issues, they're generally in the morning and I usually plan afternoon or later so if I have to cancel there is a bit of advance notice.
Omg you’ve described my brain to a T! 😆
The future is always some nebulous thing where some stuff is going to happen, but it’s not Right Now. Who knows when those future things will jump out of Future Land and become Right Now? Like, I literally got a C in pre calculus even though I Aced every exam, because I forgot to do my homework. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 🤦🏻♀️
Thankfully smartphones with calendars and alarms now exist!
But navigation? I can find my way back to a place I visited just once. I never get lost, so at least I have that superpower 😅 🗺️
Are you me? Literally everything you said has been my life 😂
Yes, I am you! You are us! Maybe we can be each others future selves and remind us when the Near Future is Right Now so we don’t forget things 😺💡😎
It’s late here and I got the midnight zoomies 😆
Yeah, I'm in a management role and manage people with ADHD. Everyone is different, but what seems to work is getting into a routine. When every day follows a pattern, whatever planning tool you like can work since you can include it in the routine. For example, this could be your day:
- Check schedule
- Have breakfast
- Go to work
- Check schedule
- Attend any morning meetings
- Do work
- Morning break
- Check schedule
- Do work
- Have lunch
- Check schedule
- Do work
- Afternoon break
- Check schedule
- Do work
And so on. Basically, check that schedule throughout the day and have fixed points during the day where you can reset if you get off track.
This is helpful! Thank you!
A. Don’t make plans you don’t actually want to do
to which I say go fuck yourself.
How I know you don't have friends, and/or are like 20yo. Lol, what an oblivious take and awful advice. Or wait, maybe you are the person everyone is too afraid of disappointing or saying "no" to because you do shit like this? And your "friends" have to find oblique ways to cancel so you don't blow up at them?
Let it all out
People are conditioned to pretend to agree and to pretend to care. Much of school is about teaching students to pretend to listen or pretend to agree. When someone asks "How are you?" usually they are pretending to care.
It can be annoying when someone pretends to want do something to instead of being honest, but it can also be annoying for to the event planner to plan an event only for no one to want to participate.
When the people around you are routinely dishonest(in subtle ways), as is common in school, work or society, it feels necessary to adapt the same behavior to conform to the norm.
There's a bit in Bob's Burgers I think about a lot where Teddy is like "hey Bobby you coming to my party?" and ends with Teddy being like "I've got forty two maybes WHO CAN PLAN FOR THAT?"
A. Don’t make plans you don’t actually want to do
Not everyone can be perfect like you and never ever change their mind on anything.
Did you not read step B??