It would just lead to the decay of society where nobody is responsible for their own commitments.
Two people both wanting to cancel, forcing themselves to go to something neither of them want to be at, is truly the backbone of society.
When you phrase it like that, it sounds ridiculous. But for me, social events are a lot like going to the gym. It makes me anxious, I don't want to do it, I find reasons to avoid it, and then I'm glad I did it.
It's hard working up the motivation. It's easy to make excuses. Ultimately, it's good for my physical and mental well-being to get out of the house and see people. Having another way to weasel out of it guilt-free would be a net negative on my life for sure.
It would just lead to the decay of society
Add it the pile, I guess.
We’re all so fucked and nearly all of us know it, gotta laugh or you’ll cry
All civilization was just an attempt to avoid looking like a douche.
DON'T CANCEL PLANS.
This message brought to you by the Space Pope.
I don't understand how so many people are so bad at, well, this part of life
A. Don't make plans you don't actually want to do B. Communicate openly and honestly. If something comes up or if you change your mind
Some people are like "oh but that's hard and awkward" to which I say go fuck yourself. You're making the world shittier for everyone.
I'm so tired of living in a world where so many people absolutely do not have their shit together.
ADHD is a hell of an impulsivity multiplier. Everything sounds amazing at the time…when it comes to doing the actual thing, it can seem like climbing Mt. Everest. Time also works differently for some of us (Time Blindness fucks up much more than just this one area of our lives). As a result, when we make plans, those plans are “out there” or “some other time in the future” or “not now”. So when it comes time to do the thing, you forgot it was ever going to happen. Dates and days are hard to keep track of, too. Things have either already happened, are happening now, or are some nebulous blob of “will happen at some point”…which doesn’t quantify anything at all.
As a result, when things go from “future” to “now”, we’re often caught by surprise and haven’t been anticipating it, so we don’t prepare. Maybe we planned to sleep in that day, etc, and when you get a reminder the night before, it can be very jarring.
I hope I’m not making this sound stupid, it’s hard to explain but it is a real thing. And no amount of reminders or calendars or alerts will “cure” it…they help, but you can’t plan for every occurrence and some apps won’t let you set multiple alarms a week out, a few days out, 1 day, hours, etc. It’s limited to 1 or 2 that are pre-programmed, and if you want more you have to manually input them all them every time. Not easy to do when you’re in the middle of paying your bill after a doctor’s visit with other people waiting behind you.
It sucks.
Thanks for the reply. It was informative and helpful.
I really struggle to imagine what that's like. It's like you're telling me sometimes you forget to swallow and you end up with a lot of mystery food in your mouth. Scheduling is trivial for me, and it often feels like when people screw it up it's from negligence or apathy. Even if it's not.
And as the person who's getting flaked on or ghosted, it sucks. We made plans. I set aside time on Saturday for this thing together, and then you bail at the last minute because you forgot you had other stuff? Fucking hell, now my Saturday is fucked up.
Even if the flakiness is a medical problem, the pain and frustration is causes other people is real.
Omg you’ve described my brain to a T! 😆
The future is always some nebulous thing where some stuff is going to happen, but it’s not Right Now. Who knows when those future things will jump out of Future Land and become Right Now? Like, I literally got a C in pre calculus even though I Aced every exam, because I forgot to do my homework. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 🤦🏻♀️
Thankfully smartphones with calendars and alarms now exist!
But navigation? I can find my way back to a place I visited just once. I never get lost, so at least I have that superpower 😅 🗺️
Yeah, I'm in a management role and manage people with ADHD. Everyone is different, but what seems to work is getting into a routine. When every day follows a pattern, whatever planning tool you like can work since you can include it in the routine. For example, this could be your day:
- Check schedule
- Have breakfast
- Go to work
- Check schedule
- Attend any morning meetings
- Do work
- Morning break
- Check schedule
- Do work
- Have lunch
- Check schedule
- Do work
- Afternoon break
- Check schedule
- Do work
And so on. Basically, check that schedule throughout the day and have fixed points during the day where you can reset if you get off track.
A. Don’t make plans you don’t actually want to do
to which I say go fuck yourself.
How I know you don't have friends, and/or are like 20yo. Lol, what an oblivious take and awful advice. Or wait, maybe you are the person everyone is too afraid of disappointing or saying "no" to because you do shit like this? And your "friends" have to find oblique ways to cancel so you don't blow up at them?
Let it all out
People are conditioned to pretend to agree and to pretend to care. Much of school is about teaching students to pretend to listen or pretend to agree. When someone asks "How are you?" usually they are pretending to care.
It can be annoying when someone pretends to want do something to instead of being honest, but it can also be annoying for to the event planner to plan an event only for no one to want to participate.
When the people around you are routinely dishonest(in subtle ways), as is common in school, work or society, it feels necessary to adapt the same behavior to conform to the norm.
There's a bit in Bob's Burgers I think about a lot where Teddy is like "hey Bobby you coming to my party?" and ends with Teddy being like "I've got forty two maybes WHO CAN PLAN FOR THAT?"
A. Don’t make plans you don’t actually want to do
Not everyone can be perfect like you and never ever change their mind on anything.
Did you not read step B??
Insecure people would game it. Every time you make plans with someone, hit the button. Then get mad if they hit theirs too.
That's not insecurity, that's straight-up dysfunctional.
No, because trying to explain to someone that you need them to install and register on the "I'm a flaky fuck" app is just going to get people to never make plans with you.
I don't think that's always the case. If you're going to straight up tell someone to install it, you might as well tell them directly that you're out. The app is for people who secretly would rather not go but still would honor the agreement. If both people use the app, it discreetly forms a new agreement. I would consider this app but would never flake on plans. If something were to happen to prevent an event then great but otherwise I still go. You could still drop hints to install the app like "haha look at this crazy app" and leave it at that. Anyway, I just woke up so hopefully that made sense.
Or you could just ...y'know... talk to them...
Why? There's an app for that!
I've just started being honest with people. That can make people upset too but at least the awkwardness comes to an end sooner. I hated being non-comittal and waiting for the other person to get the hint. It leads to having an incredibly small social circle but that's what I prefer.
Get out of here with your sensible approach to life!
Same. I quit drinking so when I started getting invited to the bar I’d be like, “nah I don’t want to go there, want to go ride bikes to the river for a doobie or something?” And of course not. So I have far fewer friends. Although, the few that did want to ride bikes to the river are healthier now too!
Only introverted people who dont want to do stuff anyways would download this app. If I had this app I would get insane levels of anxiety waiting for extroverted people to change their minds but if I assume the other person has this app then I will assume they dont want to regardless.
Alternative: pick up the phone, say "I don't really feel like coming"
Done.
True friends will still want you to come but understand if you bail out. If you have friends that get upset over this kind of shit, they're not worth having as friends.
True friends will still want you to come but understand if you bail out.
True friendship is a two-way give and take. For some things, friendship means giving up some level of autonomy and self interest to provide something that your friend wants. In some contexts, showing up is important to the friend and a few repeated snubs/cancellations ends up communicating to the friend that they're not important to you. At that point they can start revisiting whether this is a "true friendship" or not and protect themselves by pushing away.
And it's not just not coming out. It's also the implied precursor here, that two people have made plans together. There's some level of reliance on the other, and bailing at the last minute is often seen as much ruder than just not agreeing to hang out in the first place.
Or, alternatively, the other person starts to understand that you have a preference against hanging out, like it's a chore or a favor. They're your friend, and they want to do right by you, so they just stop inviting you out and asking that favor of you, and then you drift apart and wonder why.
Friendship is about understanding other people, and empathizing even when their personalities and thought process are different. Friendships are hard enough to maintain past 30, and keeping them requires some level of conscious effort, especially for introverts.
You're not wrong, but social anxiety and social guilt are mother fuckers even when you know you have understanding friends
It's culturally acceptable here in the Pacific northwest. We call it the west coast flake or west coast bail.
The real trick is to just never commit to anything.
Finally, a part of the world where I can comfortably exist
I actually love this. So often I have a plan where I'm like "if you actually want to do this thing, then I'm here and happy to be there with you. But if you're not really interested but just sticking to the commitment because you're afraid my feelings will be hurt if you cancel...I promise they won't let's just cancel." But if I say this to someone, they could interpret it as "I don't want to go", which isn't true! If you want to go, I want to go. I just want to gauge your level of wanting-to-go.
Just have children, they are the ultimate excuse for any occasion.
Bonus points: My child is grown and out so no longer works as an excuse, but while I was raising her, I progressed so far out of my social circles that nobody ever tries to set anything up with me in the first place, thus negating any further need to cancel!
\ While it is true that people without children might stop involving you, families with children of any age irregardless will continuously try setting up activities in an attempt to have their children busy so they have an excuse, and an oportunity, to drink with other adults.
Calling all programmers: LET’S FIND OUT!
This is just introvert porn. In theory could work but would never fly in the real world.
The sort of people who need an app will still be upset.
Insecure people would download this app, and prematurely 'cancel' all their plans so that they get notifications the moment anyone uses it. This app idea only works with the pretense of privacy until both parties agree, but it is open to manipulation. And once you know that manipulative people are misusing the app, you will police your usage of it, and then we're back to square one, where people are unwilling to communicate.
Yes, same thing happened with mojoupgrade. It's a questionnaire of sex stuff. You and your partner both fill it in. Then you'd see a list of all the stuff you both wanted to try. If either said "no" on anything, the other would be none the wiser. It was often abused (mostly by women) who would answer "yes" to everything so they could see the answers of their partner and give them grief about their wants.
Holyfuck talk about betrayal
In all honesty, I would probably be one of those people because I hate the idea of someone hanging out with me just because they are obligated to.
There is no such thing as an introvert. Only people that don't know they are cool yet.
I prefer the backup plan. I schedule secondary commitments a few hours after the first one, so I have a reason to bail if it's not going well. If it's going great, I cancel the (less important) backup.
Lmao, I can promise you the people in your life you do this to know about it, and think you're a dick. It's not subtle if someone always has 'another appointment' after an hour they have to go to.
That sounds like you have friends that you cancel a lot on. Most people I know just stop inviting them to do things when they usually refuse. Because that's usually a sign.
