Supportive boyfriend

Obviously depends on the person, but I would love that question. Straight to the point, trying to understand where I'm at. I can and will appreciate that.

Maybe that's the neurospicy part of me. I can absolutely see why someone wouldn't like that.

neurospicy

outstanding
- :D adopted new terminology
Exactly: I'm more than happy to either give you emotional support or brainstorm a solution.
Just tell me which one, because the two things don't overlap at all.
- TBF giving appliances an angry slap is often both an emotional and technical solution.
Yeah same. It is weird because I'm never quite sure what mode my wife is in. And she never knows what mode I'm in.

Usually I'm the one in feelings mode because I usually solve the problem myself so if the problem is still there I tried and failed and am now emotional.

I will have to try this.
Yea this is good partner behavior as I’ve been taught. Jumping straight to problem solving can be dismissive. It’s talking past where your partner is at rather than meeting them where they are

Actually thinking about this for a second I’m an idiot. What’s the solution stage for “my burrito exploded?” Pick it up ho?
- Might need to figure out how to remove a stain, what to eat instead, etc.
You may have just given me my new favorite phrase

Having worked in tech support, I can say that listening skills are crucial. Sure, being tech savvy is important too, but first you need to listen and maybe even calm the other person down a bit before you can start working on the actual problem. I wonder if medical doctors are like that as well…

Why is everyone discussing this as if humour is nonexistent?

I don't know what it is but Lemmy sometimes feel extra special in that sort of way
- Yeah.
ND people exist and appreciate straight talk. It’s not always smooth sailing
Two people are discussing the idea of the question tangentially.
Isn't shawarma supposed to fall apart?
- ..am I shawarma??

Brah if I sent this to my wife she'd tell me not to be a smart ass

Obligatory

I am bad with feelings in a medical way so when someone comes to me to complain I always try finding a solution.

This video ruined my day and will probably upset me every time I remember it for the rest of my life.

I hope you're happy.

Truly, I hope you have a nice day, sharing is caring.

I understand that the whole "do you want a solution or to just talk about it" is well intentioned, but even if what I want is the latter now that you've asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it. It's hard to justify I guess, but the statement feels condescending when you are in that socially vulnerable position.

Edit: I have attempted to explain this further below, but again, it can be hard for me to understand why I feel a certain way and I don't understand how others can easily.

Just out of curiosity, what does the perfect reply look like in the above scenario
- Since even asking is an issue, my suggestion is to be a divination wizard with specilization in mind reading
- Something tells me there isn't a perfect answer doe that person. "Someone asked me how they can support me, so now I don't want help because that seems condescending" sounds like the kind of thing you get from someone who says they're fine, but isn't, and they're mad you don't already know why they're not fine.
- My experienced dating a socially anxious person is that there is no perfect response, anything you say needs exclusion qualifiers and follow-up for reassurance purposes. Love her tho.
- I'd go with a "Oh no, but I'm sure it will still be delicious!"
- An "emotion phase" mindset tends to expect you to know about their state and reacts badly if you don't join them there.
  
  A "solution focused" mindset can easily talk and not react badly about a misjudgement on your part.
  
  So if you want to be safe, then your opening line should always presume the other person is in the emotional phase. The response will tell you if you're right. And if you're not right then the other person is in a position to negotiate without being upset about it.
- This is such a good question that it’s kind of blowing my mind.
  
  First off, it’s actually a shit message to only include “my shawarma fell apart” with no other context. There’s not even punctuation! Like, give me some textual non-verbals I can pick up on.
  
  Second, this is so typical of neuro-normies: send a message with no social cues and somehow expect the recipient to ace the response.
  
  So what’s the ideal response? I dunno. I’d probably reply with something like “I know, right?! My butthole is so itchy right now. Could this day be any worse?”
- I think in the above scenario it would be safe to assume it's the "just talk about it" scenario. With something as simple as food falling apart the person will be more than capable of solving it themselves if they needed to.
FYI that's definitely a you thing.

Some people jump to problem solving immediately when they find out about a problem. Others will sit and contemplate how they are feeling about a problem.

This text sounds like a compromise that has been worked out because she was getting frustrated that he just jumps into problem solving when all she wants to hear is affirmation of her feelings. He's still got work to do, but he's clearly trying.

Source: this is exactly a conversation my wife and I had
- Exactly the same for me. When my wife had a problem, I always started to solve it. "Okay, did you do this and that? Tomorrow we'll try x. Maybe if we call X" etc.- I needed to learn for months not to do it at the beginning of our relationship. She said she just needed to rant, to talk about it and didn't want a solution. Which, given that I'm an engineer, is very difficult to do. I don't really see problems as problems, mostly just tasks that need solution.
- Yeah, I mean I know getting annoyed by it would achieve nothing so I wouldn't react in a negative manner to them, I would just discuss it with them later that it bothered me and could maybe try a different method if it's needed for them.
...now that you've asked me that I would feel worse for just trying to bring it up to talk about it

Why would you feel worse? If that's what you need, just ask. There's no point in hiding your feelings from the people you want to spend time with, unless you want to create unnecessary misunderstandings.
- I didn't say it makes sense, it's hard to justify feelings all the time, but I can give it a go. Perhaps we can work out why I think this way. These are guesses, I don't know the root cause.
  
  It can sound kind of arrogant I guess, like that person can solve something you can't. It also sounds emotionless and robotic when they say it.
  
  It could also sound like if you don't want a solution then your complaining is less valid. With a partner you trust I suppose this might not be true, but with some friends I have they would immediately switch off if it's the latter I guess.
  
  And a much more simple guess - most of the time I just don't know which one of those I want, and I haven't got to that stage yet. I find it very difficult to pinpoint why I get certain emotions and what I want to do with them, that whole process doesn't make sense to me and I don't understand why all these other replies seem to be able to do that and are saying it's my fault. Perhaps this is a spectrum thing.
So you're saying, if he really cared about her, he'd know?
- No, this was not what I meant
socially vulnerable position.

If shawarma falling apart makes you socially vulnerable maybe you should be seeing a therapist.

Let's keep in mind the context and the relative severity of the situation here.
- I'm not really sure what that specific term means, but I do know that if you spend a few hours planning for, acquiring ingredients for and preparing a recipe it can be quite disappointing if it doesn't work out and I don't think that necessarily means you need to "see a therapist" haha.
Well the alternative is to guess someone's emotional state through text which will seem insensitive. At least the former will get an answer.
I think you're unintentionally reading/framing this in the condescending key. The way you rephrased it it does sound condescending, but in the screenshot it's mostly just silly and caring. You might be too on guard here
I have friends that know to clarify for me. They'll just drop in "I'm just venting" or say they're not looking for a solution.
- This is what I do. If I don't want solutions, I always start with "This is just a rant, I don't need solutions, but..."
  
  Usually that exact quote, so it's completely unambiguous. If I didn't start with something like that, 99% chance I'll be okay with presented solutions.
- I think this is a good approach too
while I understand what you're saying, shawarma falling apart is not a real crisis. lol

this is obviously a funny exchange.
I can totally see that. It could easily come across like that. Like... SIGH 🙄 "emotion or solution this time?" 😒 ... Right?

I could also imagine if the other person is being earnest and with good delivery and wording and especially if this "protocol" is agreed upon beforehand, it could work. For some. Maybe?

Idk. It can be equally exasperating not knowing what is the right mode to support as well as not getting the support I need.
- I tried to go through it in more detail in a reply further down, but this is definitely one of the reasons it could be.

Nice post but guys can you tell me how is the shawarma? And what is. I only ever seen on the avenger post credit scene.

A shawarma is very similar to a gyro, both are wrapped in a pita like bread (although I don't think the shawarma bread is called pita). A shawarma tends to have spicier ingredients compared to a gyro, and originates from the Middle East.
- I don't think the shawarma bread is called pita
  
  Technically, any method of serving meat from a vertical rotisserie is a shawarma. The bread is typically pita bread, but you can use laffa or tombik bread instead if you want
- So like a Döner?
it is a rolled bread with delicious kebab chicken, salad and sauces inside.
It's like a Gyro, but slightly different.
It's tasty
Just search "kebab"
- Koreans be like, "seriously? That's a food?
  
  context
  
  Actually happened to me walking past a kebab stand with a Korean friend. Apparently ke is a word for food/rice and bab is dog. Kebab roughly translates to "dog food".