Whatever will I do?

I'm going to be honest, that teachea sounds like those people saying DON'T in posts when they actually are saying to do it.

Twenty bucks on that teacher not being straight.

I read it as deeply closeted, personally. “Once they get their hooks in you, you’ll never want to leave Cheryl and her sun dresses, pecan pies, long morning conversations over coffee, warm nights under the covers where you explore every tender inch of one another. Beware the pussy, it’s an inviting, barbed trap.”
- Beware of pussy traps!
She's totally straight, its just not real to be in live with another woman who loves and understands you and you're wild about sexually who you feel a deep sense of belonging and comfort about.
Only real relationships like God wants are the hard work kind with a man you sorta tolerate and can kind of have sex with enough to have a kid if you just lay back and think of, um, nothing in particular. See it's the never really connecting emotionally or being aroused that makes it sacred.
Clearly you just don't understand heterosexuality.
- Yes!
  "God looks down approvingly on low quality sex." is a good summary of what I was taught.
  It's sort of obviously not true.
  If God exists, and had any interest in sex, there's plenty of evidence that God is therefore into deeply weird sex stuff, having spent an exceptional amount of time creating all of it, and wiring most lifeforms to compulsively engage in it...
  I find it surreal that any rational person who devoutly believes in a creator doesn't fly various LGBT+ flags in faithful solidarity.

According to school policy, I am required to tell you that lesbian relationships are bad wink wink.

That's exactly what this sounds like.

Not being anti-gay but the data plainly tells us that FF relationships break down faster than MF relationships.

The longest lasting marriages are MM.

Why is this? I have no idea as I've never studied the phenomena, what's more I'm not qualified to do so, but it means something.

How about FM relationships, though?
- Usually breaks down after 30 or 40 miles.

Damn, I need to find a lesbian to be in a relationship with

Wait, what? I thought the catholic church mandates lifelong relationships? Did somebody not get the memo?

Things like this make me wish I could be in a lesbian relationship.

Meanwhile, actual lesbians dominate domestic violence charts.

A brief search indicates that this is an MRA* talking point where a figure is quoted without any context or nuance.
The CDC also stated that 43.8% of lesbian women reported experiencing physical violence, stalking, or rape by their partners. The study notes that, out of those 43.8%, two thirds (67.4%) reported exclusively female perpetrators. The other third reported at least one perpetrator being male, however the study made no distinction between victims who experienced violence from male perpetrators only and those who reported both male and female perpetrators. Similarly, 61.1% of bisexual women reported physical violence, stalking, or rape by their partners in the same study with 89.5% reporting at least one perpetrator being male. In contrast, 35% of heterosexual women reported having been victim of intimate partner violence, with 98.7% of them reporting male perpetrators exclusively.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_in_same-sex_relationships
There are further Wikipedia pages discussing the reasons for which it's difficult to accurately asses domestic violence rates and why we shouldn't put too much weight on unreliable figures.
I personally can't bring myself to believe that anyone's gender or sexuality predisposes them to violence or emotional abuse. I assume that both the instances of abuse and the rate at which they're reported are subject to societal factors.
With this I mean a brand of misogynists and not egalitarian people focused on men's issues. I apologize if this usage is incorrect/offensive.
Citations or gtfo
Sauce?
- Statistical incompetence and a profoundly credulous worldview.
- There is a 2010 study by the CDC on the subject.
  https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/12362
  I have no complaints about the about the researchers; and the study itself is fine for what it is. But what it is, is an opportunistic analysis of data that was collected as part of a larger study not focused on sexual orientation.
  The headline numbers people quote is that lesbian and bisexual women report a lifetime prevalence of intimate parter violence of 44% and 61% respectively, compared to 28% for heterosexual women. According to the paper, the lower number for heterosexual women is statistically significant.
  However, if you scroll down 9 pages you find that 89.5% of bisexual and 98.7% of heterosexual women victima report exclusively male perpetrators. In contrast, only 67.4% if lesbian victims report exclusively female perpetrators.
  In principle you could try to untangle these numbers. But, according to the researchers, there is simply not enough data to do so in a statistically rigorous manner.
  And that is assuming we take the survey results at face value; which is always a dangerous assumption. There is likely a significant reporting bias; and likely some form of sampling bias.
  This is a topic that certainly deserves more research. But that is expensive and as far as I can tell has not been adaquettly done.

Well given the net amount of misery exported by religion this scans.