How did you handle the professional side of transition?
After 5 months, I guess I've fully cracked. Now I'm wondering about updating my professional website, that cesspool LinkedIn, etc.
I'm a Dev (yes, I use Arch) and I used to teach. I guess I'm nervous about having to tell my old students and coworkers.
I’d love to hear strategies, lessons learned, or anything that made the process smoother.
I came out at the beginning of this year. I'd been on E for abt 5 months and I did not pass, still don't, but I just couldn't wait for that.
I work with tech service and I rarely see my colleagues as I spend most of my time at a customer site and start from home. My coming out to my actual employer was basically a call to my closest boss and an email to the other techies. And paperwork of course.
When coming out to the customer I first talked to a girl who I knew was lesbian (hadn't really talked to her before) to have a safe person to talk to. She talked to some other people and their boss and they informed everyone about it in a meeting and that was basically it. Pretty much everyone has been super nice and supportive and I made a couple new friends in the process. It's a female dominated field, which probably helped. I actually feel a lot more accepted than before I came out and almost like one of the girls now. 🥰 At my actual work, it created some distance to the other techies. They treat me alright and no one is mean or anything, but there is an awkwardness that wasn't there before. Maybe this is just what the dynamic is from a female perpective to work with guys?
Someone said that it's better to just do it instead of going around having anxiety about it. Case in point, when I changed my name it stated it would take 6 to 8 weeks so I thought I had some time to mentally prepare and practice doing makeup (I still suck) and buy some more clothes and stuff like that. It took 2 days and then I got spam addressed to katja. I guess I'm coming out right the fuck now and with zero prep time. 😬 I barely slept that night, but that's much better than 8 weeks of my overactive imagination going haywire with scenarios of public ridicule, flogging and dismemberment. 😅
I'm not trying to say everyone should come out right away and not consider their circumstances. If you know you're going to come out soon and are just waiting for the right time, this post is for you, because the right time is now. It won't be any easier later.
My egg fully cracked the week I started a new job (just hit my 1 year anniversary too!), which was definitely a fun time to come to terms with it. But I realized really quickly that the longer I waited the harder it was going to be, especially after realizing just how painful it was to have to "put the shell back on" in a sense when going into work. I came out right after our holiday shutdown, spoke with my HR Rep about the situation, and it was honestly not an issue whatsoever. Their biggest concern was if I was changing my name, but that was about it. They sent out a really basic email to the team and suppliers I work with basically saying "Your colleague hovercat is transitioning and will be going by she/her pronouns." and that was basically it. It was quickly discussed in the team meeting, they sent everyone a training on gender identity, and that was it. I've not had any real negative reactions with anyone yet, and it's so, so nice getting to just be myself.
There's another trans girl I work with who I also asked for advice, who transitioned after being at the company for a while, and it seemed that almost all of the friction she's had was from old teammates that knew her pre-transition. They were the main ones that caused any issues, and seems to be the story I hear quite often of people taking way more issue with the actual transition rather than the person being trans.
I know it's really scary, but from a lot of the experiences I've seen, it seems far better to just bite the bullet and go for it. Waiting only makes things worse.
Look, I fully support you transitioning. But if I was your co-worker I would be mad at you. You made me do extra training! Yeah I'll call you she and her and all that but.. Fuck you for giving me extra training.
(don't take seriously, I'm only joking but doing the corporate hr type training is a pain in my ass but I do support you and trans rights in general. In fact it's fucked up that people need training that basically comes down to "respect me and don't be an asshole")
Not going to lie, I was actually super anxious when they sent that out because my immediate thought absolutely was "Shit, they had to do training because of me..."
Huge kudos to the training though, because it literally was just a 5-10 minute online training that explained gender/gender identity in a really clear way, how it was different than sexuality, etc. and wasn't preachy or anything else.
Congrats on 1 year! Thank you for your thorough answer! Starting a new job and your transition at the same time must have been really stressful, I commend you.
Well, I guess your response scares me a bit because the majority of my colleagues and former students have known me for several years pre-transition. However, it does give me hope for when I start a new job. It might be best to start fresh.
your experiences might differ, but in my experience it has been mentally harder to be around people I knew pre-transition ... I behave in old ways around them and find it harder to be myself, I feel like they know I'm fake or a fraud, etc. and that undercuts my confidence (which is especially important for voice feminization).
That said, I've also had no real drama or issues with coworkers I knew pre-transition... the closest was one of them accidentally deadnaming me in a meeting with people who didn't know me pre-transition, so I was effectively outed in that moment to anyone who hadn't already noticed or heard through chatter
but that only happened once and they felt awful about it, worse than I felt I'm sure
most people just want to know how to be polite and behave correctly, most weirdness I saw was from people just feeling anxious because they aren't 100% sure what is or isn't respectful
Thanks! I wish the new job and transition were the only things I had to deal with, because it's been one hell of a year, but I've managed alright.
I genuinely wouldn't worry too much about it. I only say that to expect it might make things a bit trickier and have more grace with them making mistakes.
I was on hormones over a year without saying anything, coming in to work with face swollen up from laser hair removal, and just never said anything even when people started making subtle prompts that they'd like to know more about it.
My coworkers were great but leadership had done another trans person wrong so I switched jobs. I didn't present very feminine in the interview but used my chosen name and said I intended to socially transition after I started working there and if they didn't want to deal with that they shouldn't hire me. They sent me their offer so I quit the place with bad leadership and the rest was history
I started with telling one coworker who I work closely together with. After that I told my boss who was already my friend before I started working for him and then I told the rest of the company (like 5 people). I got no negative reactions.
Well that's nice to hear!
I'm not recommending this, but when I socially transitioned, I changed my name and came out in every sphere of my life at once. It made it simple, there was no hiding or being one person in one context and being another person in another context - I was "me" in every context.
After 8ish months of HRT I started to pass well enough that some colleagues I hadn't worked with closely for a few years didn't recognize me, and when possible I just never mentioned I was trans or who I was before. If someone recognized me, there's no way to not be honest about transitioning, it was obvious.
Sometimes it was hard to be as honest as I wanted to be, but outing myself with some people felt like a bigger cost than just treating it like a new relationship, but that's all contextual.
So your experiences may vary significantly depending on how you announce your transition, who you tell, who you don't tell, when/if you start passing, etc.
I would say it's important to share with people you depend on as a professional contact - if that relationship is important, sharing you are transitioning makes it easier to keep that relationship going. Particularly thinking of references you would put on a job application, you would ideally let them know who you are well before you transition so they aren't distracted or shocked by it when you need them.
For people that don't need to know, there's no need to disclose. I made all my name changes in a relatively short period of time, and early in transition people tend to want to be polite and are somewhat understanding about it, in my experience (this will vary significantly).
At work I actually announced my transition in a private work chat with most of the people I've worked with. Some people ask their managers to share the news, but I've always preferred to just communicate directly with my colleagues. (read: I hate and distrust management)
It was later in my transition that I ran into some difficulties, mostly with people not believing I was my deadname - but that eventually got sorted one way or another, it just wasn't as easy to update things when they don't see or hear someone who is obviously trans (somehow that was more unnerving for cis people, that they couldn't tell - there is a sense of explanation and trust when you're obviously trans, it makes it clear you aren't lying about who you are / were, whereas when they can't tell you're trans, they also can't trust that you're telling the truth about who you are / were as easily).
I haven’t come out professionally yet. Once my transition becomes visibly noticeable, I’m planning on going to HR to help me with things like changing my name in the company email system, etc. And I’ll probably make a short post on LinkedIn when I change my name on there.
I basically left school and dropped most of my work and then came out. Even though I did come out 2 days before the end of my volunteering job, and they were very nice about it. I worked with clients who have an intellectual disability, for some reason they were all very good at adapting and also super kind. All the other people there already knew everything about diversity, as people who work in that field of care can't do their jobs without being accepting of those things. They handled it very well, especially for me being a temp worker there.
On LinkedIn, I just changed my name and let it be that. Anyone who has questions asks, and anyone who doesn't know just doesn't. I lost some contacts and gained some, but it didn't feel that bad. I know my situation is unique to me and there might not be a lot next to it. Coming out to my family was more of a hassle than anything else.
This is to say that every situation is unique, and every situation does need a different approach. I just wanted to share in hope to find some commonalities and come closer to the community. I hope it all goes well for you, and I wish you all the best.
I'm just not going to say anything. If they notice, they notice. If they don't, they don't.
I thought about doing that, I feel like cool people can tell and ignorant people can't. Does it bother you that people use your deadname?
I haven't even picked a name yet. I only came out to my partner a couple of months ago. I've been acting half my life already I can keep it going a couple of years more.
Basically neither of us are planning to stay where we are so my plan is present as male until we can afford to move, then it's new house, new city, new life. Not that we live in a conservative city, we just live in one of the more conservative parts of it and my pansexual therian kid already has enough problems at school. Without also being the only kid in class with two mothers, one of which is a giant hairy (obviously) trans lesbian.
My actual goal for transition is to feel comfortable in my own skin, and to be treated as female by the people in my life who matter to me. The last one is self fulfilling because if people in my life see that I'm transitioning and insist on calling me by my deadname, then I don't need to bother with them. Honestly most people here genuinely wouldn't say anything about it even if they have a massive problem with trans folk. Norwegians are very avoidant of conflict by nature.
I did that and was disappointed that basically no one noticed.
I'm not really sure it'd bother me that much. I mean I know that estrogen won't turn me into a hot 25 year old. Truth be told, the only real difference I care about are the mental effects. I'm really angry all the time, even when there's nothing to be angry about. And I just feel like maybe I can leave that behind and be happy about who I am. I genuinely don't give a shit how other people see me. Perhaps that'll change later, idk.
"hey have you seen bill? havent seem him in a while.."
bill:
Pretty much.