1mo ago

It hurts when people talk about how nice people who were rude to me are

Like everyone talks about how nice my ex-friends are, but they were rude to me, called me an annoying bug and stuff, and pretended they didn't know me. And I genuinely want to see them as great people like everyone else sees.

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Growing up Autistic, I managed to make a lot of otherwise nice people pretty frustrated. That didn't make them mean, but I sure thought they were. It took me a long time to realise the difference between frustrated and mad or mean. I have since re-connected with some of the people I misunderstood and it turns out they really are nice people.
No idea if anything similar is what happened for you. But just thought of a thing I could relate it to, and figured it might be worth sharing just in case.
It might take years before anything changes if so. But it's worth the wait, and the effort.
- I would like to add on to this: I grew up not knowing that I was autistic and masking, from a family full of undiagnosed and highly masking people. I definitely rubbed people the wrong way sometimes and annoyed them, but I also got annoyed when other people didn’t mask as well as I did, because I’d been raised in an environment that held masking as one of the ultimate goals (I don’t blame my parents, to be clear: these were their survival instincts as well as my own).
  It took me years to understand that the “rigidity” that sometimes bothered me about others is not only something that I too possess in spades, but also a value-neutral trait (in and of itself, it can obviously be applied to variously moral systems). Until I figured that out, I was pretty easily frustrated by some other autistic people and couldn’t explain why. I still have moments like that, but I tend to break them down and realize that it’s generally just my own hangups that are bothering me.
  
  Wow, you kinda named a feeling I've had when dealing with some people on the spectrum that don't even try to mask in a social situation - it makes me feel major second-hand embarrassment, but I think you're right that it's more about me than them.
  I think I've been doing various forms of masking all my life, and only now in my 30s have I started pulling pieces of it off with confidence.
- Hmm, that makes sense. I assumed they were being mean because of things they have done in the past, like talking behind my back
I suppose you'll never really know who is "right" until a long time afterwards.
I've worked with guys and girls who have been really well thought of by their peers, who have been complete cunts to me. Oh well, maybe they don't like me; maybe we got off on the wrong foot; maybe they just had a bad day. I can't be liked by everyone, so I haven't ever taken it personally.
I think if I kept coming across people who were shitty with me, then I'd have to take a moment of self-reflection and think "maybe I'm being the arsehole" - I mean everyone comes across a fuckwit most days. Sometimes you come across two fuckwits in a day if you're unlucky. If you're encountering fuckwits on a daily basis though, then maybe it's time to look in the mirror.
That said. I've worked on a project with someone who seemed to be adored in the office but I couldn't fucking stand her. I just rolled with her bullshit for the rare occasions we had to collaborate and wrote it off as a personality clash, but it wasn't until she moved offices and her name came up in a meeting ten years later, where nobody had a good word to say about her that I felt strangely validated.
Sometimes it just takes a while for someone to show their true colours.
I think a simple 'i don't want to talk about them' might be best.
I didn't attend my mother's funeral or burial because I simply didn't have the willpower to bear through all the lies and misconceptions I know everyone else was going to bear.
I didn't want to make the days about how things went bad, all the many issues I took, or why I stopped talking to her in the past six months for being a MAGA sycophant.
Short of removing yourself from these situations, politely telling people to keep it to themselves is about the only reasonable thing I can suggest.
- Thank you :)
People can be different with different people. One of my buddies from high school was pretty fun and I counted him as one of my friends but he did not really date much. Later when he started having relationships with women he treated them so awful I dialed down my time hanging with him (was not to hard as we were getting older and busier anyway). So like I sorta could not tell how much a jerk he was until I saw him with the right folks. In our group he was nice to everyone. I mean this may not be the case with your thing but just want to point out someone can meet someone and not know them and even have a good impression.

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