please please please, why is this so hard

Don't even have to update it. Just open source the device tree etc and I'll make the effort to port LineageOS myself.

The fairphone is not getting updates.

They are months behind, and many phones they should be updating to this day run extremely EOF software

Outdated info iirc. This was the case with android 13 for fp3, which they skipped completely and jumped to 14. They also still push updates regularly for all phones later than fp2.
And if you want bleeding edge updates, no phone maker does that and youll have to look at lineageOS, which tends to break things once in a while.
( im a fp4 user with lineageos running android 15, sep 3 update )
Care to elaborate?
As far as I know, even the older fairphones from 5 years ago or so still have a regular 2-month update cycle?

I miss my Droid Mini. :(

Wouldn't Moto Razr and Samsung Flip both fall into that space?

This is likely to be different for every person, so no judgements, but I don't think a flip phone can ever qualify as "compact."
- I'm confused then.
  Moto Razr (when closed) is 103,295 cubic mm in volume
  Jellymax (a phone your graphic labels as compact) is 126,975 cubic mm in volume
  Moto Razr (again when closed) is substantially smaller than Jellymax at its largest dimension (88mm for Moto vs 128mm for Jellymax)
  What is the criteria here for a "compact phone" then?

Not an Apple fan but their SE gets updates for a good amount of time, about 1cm bigger length and width than their first SE but it might fit your criteria.

Samsung Flip is a compact clamshell that becomes a regular sized phone.

The ASUS Zenphone 10 is on the smaller size but barely qualifies as a small phone so up to you, expecting updates to 2027.

highly recommend the refurbished market

lots of pixel 4a 128 (not 5G) with healthy batteries that support Lineage OS knocking about

My Pixel 5 is small, do they not make a small one anymore? In inches it's about 3" across and 5.5" long.

I want the opposite: a foldable with a 10" inner screen, thinner or as thin as the Fold 7, but with no comically large camera bump (and without sacrificing image quality).

Also a microSD slot, two day battery life, seven years of updates, and front cameras hidden under the screens (going back to to the hole punch was the dumbest decision Samsung has ever made.)

But most importantly of all: an unlocked bootloader.

youre smoking crack
- You're*
  And no, I prefer blow.

You forgot nothing phone.

Send with nothing phone 3a pro.