My BF says he doesn't know whether he wants to date me or not.
My BF says he doesn't know whether he wants to date me or not.
I made a throwaway so as not to clutter my main. I'm a bit sad but he doesn't want me to feel bad. He keeps me so he's not lonely, but he doesn't know whether or not he wants to break up and just strings me along, I guess. "I love you" one minute, "let's break up" the next. My mom says I'm being played, IDK.
I don't even know what we are because he keeps trying to walk out of the conversation and he doesn't care about my interests or what I want. I've tried talking to him, he says it's the way he is. Also, he gives me words of affirmation but apparently my brain says that's not enough. I don't know anymore. Just venting, ugh.
Dump the Mother Fucker Already.
It isn't your fault that you don't want to or that is feels hard. The ups and downs of a relationships like this are chemically addicting in your brain. The Hot and Cold, I love you, let's breakup give the same release as gambling so its a hard cycle to get out off but one that you need to. I assume you are AFAB so have been condition to not hurt people's feeling, be indirect and to defer to men's feelings. So you are fighting against a lot of systems.
Breaking up in the long run is good for both of you. He will need to learn that you can't string someone along. That is a lesson that can only be learned by losing you and potentially lots of other. You will need to learn that you won't stand for someone who does that. You both need to learn how to be direct about what you need and what you want. You both need to be clear and understand that if you are not compatible you should not be dating which should be done up front and not hinted at but talked about. Its scary and hard to talk about it and is a skill that needs to be learned.
You are doing great and these are pretty typically dating lessons that everyone needs to learn
You realize that you too have a choice and say in this, right? It actually doesn't even matter if he's 'playing' you or just ignorant of his own feelings, it seems to me that you're getting very little out of it aside from distress and confusion and hurt. If he doesn't know, you should: Why are you staying with someone who isn't even sure they want to be with you? It's the actual bare minimum to ask. I'd argue that you're already not dating if he's sitting on the fence like this, and I hope he hurts his little balls about it.
You deserve someone who is as excited to be with you as you are to be with them.
Bro sounds like he thinks of you like a pet "to keep around just in case".
I feel like whenever the phrase "he keeps me (around, presumably)" even enters the conversation you need to take a step back and think about that in itself.
As a dude with commitment issues, I can tell you he's playing you, he might actually have feelings for you but he wont ever make his mind up and will keep you close enough to feel better about himself while keeping you from feeling better about yourself. I've been that dude before and that's why I don't actively try dating anymore, untill I fix my issues.
Hopefully I'm wrong and he's just having momentary cold feet because it's become legit and he wasn't ready for it that quick.
That makes sense, thank you..
Simple please leave him. This is abuse and you deserve better.
Thanks so much. Maybe because I'm in love so I'm sugarcoating it, but I feel like he really tries not to hurt me and just wants to be friends.
As a man, husband, and father of 2 girls, I wouldn't want this for my kids. You are giving your love to show the boy how much he means to you but he doesn't she it this way.
Whoever you are, you are worth more and deserve to be treated equally in a relationship. You'll find someone that will show you the respect and love you deserve. Please don't lower yourself for someone else. Boys are dicks. I know. I was one.
This is not how you treat someone you care about. Knowingly or unknowingly, he’s been gradually lowering your expectations, too, I guess? Whatever feelings were once there seem gone.
If you feel he deserves it, give him one FINAL chance to explain himself. Hold him accountable. He will be expected to keep any and all promises.
Otherwise, just leave. Immediately. You do not owe anyone an explanation.
I think your brain is on to something. It's not enough to just give affirmations; words need to be backed up by actions to have substance. Someone who is dismissive of your wants or interests doesn't sound the slightest bit in love with you. You deserve a definitive answer on what he wants to be, and I think you need to force the issue. It's selfish to put you through this sort of emotional toil if it's genuinely just so he isn't lonely. If he doesn't want you to feel bad, he shouldn't be putting you through this just to fill some attentional void.
There are so many brilliant people out there, don’t waste your love on someone who sees you as optional, and doesn’t cherish your feelings. He very clearly doesn’t, he’s told you, he’s showing you, I know it’s hard. Good luck.
Im sorry this is happening :(
That sounds really hard, he sounds very hot and cold too which really is not the way to go in a relationship. I think maybe he doesn’t wanna hurt you by breaking up but he himself wants to break up
Thanks so much
Np!!
I'd say leave him because he doesn't know what he wants and it seems you are just convenient to keep around.
If you was a nail in the coffin, after he says he loves you ask him why? If he questions it, just tell him that you want him to put it in words why he loves you. No answer or a weak superficial answer means he is just saying words when he says he loves you. If he can articulate and give you all sorts of reasons that are specific to you, then he does have A love of you but may not actually be in love with you.