Cyberplaque rule, choomba!

“It looks like you’re not using an authorized Oral-B toothbrush head, for your safety your toothbrush has self destructed.”

You have until one week later to pay damages to Oral-B for their tooth brush as well as the reputational damage that comes from a big name brand having to associate with chinese-owned products. The invoice also includes one Spy Device Pro Plus, to monitor you for any further reckless behavior, as was agreed when you signed our license agreement fifteen years ago when you were gifted a trial tube of toothpaste at your local supermarket. We wish you a nice day and a happy Oral-B Toothbrushing Experience.

Man it's not like I want to, but there's a non zero chance that I'll turn into a (more intersectional) ted kacynsky in the futuse

We had to read the unibomber manifesto in college, in a class on terrorism and extremism. NGL, I feel uncomfortable knowing that he's being proven right an awful lot 😞
- It doesn't take a genius to know how fucked and hopeless the outlook is, only someone willing to look beyond a just world bias. If anything, believing things aren't irrevocably fucked is burying your head in the sand.
  
  Where the Unabomber is an awful person is what he thinks we should do. He thinks we shouldn't try to live the best lives we can. He thinks cruelty is somehow justified, when all that's really justified is doing what you must to survive. All the people who recognize the truth and didn't decide to kill people will never be remembered like that prick. Like most mass killers, he just wanted to be remembered.
You can't eat your cake and have it too

You have to be a special kind of stupid to buy an internet connected toothbrush.

Or printer.
- At least it makes some sense for the printer to connect you a network. The toothbrush could easily sync using BLE since the user will always be close to the toothbrush while in use.
- Oh my god, my mom's shitty hp printer never works with my cups install. IT BREAKS EVERY UPDATE AND SHE'S STILL A HP FAN NO MATTER THE PRICE OF INK (the original, because nothing else works).

This post is extremely misleading. The app isn't required to use the toothbrush, the app is just for coaching your brushing, and it's advertised as such. You do not need to use the app if you don't want to.

And why does it need an online account for that?
- D A T A
  
  C O L L E C T I O N
  
  (I know you’re asking rhetorically, I just like the aesthetics of responding like that)
"Coaching your brushing"

I wish I was dead so I could spin in my grave right now, isn’t that something people learn when they’re 5? What do adult humans who pay 400€ for a toothbrush need a coaching for?
- Well, I'm 18 and am still terribly shitty at it. To be fair, I'm lazy and always half-ass it.
- having your toothbrush coach you is absurd, but we really don't teach people how to properly brush.
  I looked it up a year ago and it turns out you just fuckin hold the head against the front, top, and back of each tooth, and raise it off the tooth before moving it to the next spot. Really we should just stop calling it "brushing" and instead say "polishing" because that's what you're doing.
  
  If you brush it back and forth you'll be fucking up your gums
Who the fuck needs a coaching for brushing? Just brush, people get taught this at 3.

My book ran out of batteries.

“Stupid future”

"The commies don't want you to even own your own toothbrush!"

Well well well, how the turntables.

I just can't wait to continue my Oral-B brushing experience.

I don't want an 'experience' I just want my teeth to not rot away 😭

Does this mean... it's a multi-user toothbrush? And if so, exactly how many accounts does a single toothbrush support?

That's normal for electric brushes, just change the head

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody, get me through this nightmare

Does the toothbrush stop working if I log out of the OralB account?

So, I just got an idea, if we keep slowly going, would people be outraged enough by artificial heart subscription (or similar)?

You know, if we just keep moving the bar bit by bit. Artificial bionic eye subscription, nothing life treating at first. Just a bit of outrage pushed down with "But those poor people couldn't afford it otherwise. We actually gave them a chance they couldn't otherwise get.", splitting the crowd into 2 opposing forces until it dies down when something else pops up, and in the meantime, when all the focus will be on elections or whatever, we start introducing pacemaker subscriptions.

Or you know what, no. Prohibitively expensive purchase price and subscription option with the illusion of choice. Outrage? It was their choice.