I probably won't be around much longer
I probably won't be around much longer
I don’t know why I’m posting this. Maybe I’m hoping for some epiphany or for someone to point to a way out I’ve missed though I’m certain that’s not going to happen.
I’m watching the Nazis rise again in my country. I never supported them. Not now, not in earlier incarnations that lead to this. They rose anyway.
I got out of homelessness. I got a college education, though admittedly not in anything useful. I’ve never committed a crime aside from speeding. I’ve always played by the rules, even when they were unfair to me. I believed we had to cooperate with eachother, debate, struggle along to arrive at something more honest, a compromise that would better serve more people in the long run. But that only works if both sides are playing the same game by the same rules. The Nazis aren’t. I bettered myself as best I could. They didn’t. And they are winning.
I know what’s coming next. I understand that great violence is coming. I fear I will not survive. I fear my friends will not survive. My siblings and nieces and nephews will not survive, or worse, the young will grow up in such chaos that it becomes normal to them to operate that way. That safety and respect become nothing more than stories from a primitive culture that existed long ago.
I’m gay. Im liberal. I’m an atheist. I’m outspoken. I’m poor. I’m honest. These are traits that are not desirable in the new country forming around me and they will be punished.
I’m not changing myself to make Nazis comfortable. They are just going to have to kill me. And they will.
Recently a friend was concerned about me and invited me out with others. We were out at a gay bar. A petition was going around gathering signatures to fight Ohio’s plans to reinstate a ban on gay marriage. They won’t stop there. I know they want us removed. And they have many ways of erasing me quite effectively. It ruined the evening seeing another loosing game being played. Ohio didn’t listen to its voters before, and America sure as hell won’t let them start now. I’m watching these people play the game as if they are setting things up for a victory tomorrow. People are already being disappeared. These people won’t be around to fight this tomorrow.
I signed the petition anyway. I might be wrong. Maybe this little bit will help if I am wrong. But I also felt that by increasing my visibility even this much, I’m increasing my risk. It is foolish to expect my state or country to handle opposition respectfully. But compliance with the regime just makes it more difficult for those strong and brave enough to fight back so on behalf of them, I signed my death certificate. I won’t likely win, but I won’t make it easy for them to silence me either.
When I lost my last job I lost health care and lost my psych meds and treatment. I went through withdrawal while working a retail job that wasn’t actually paying the bills but I had to keep trying. Now I have a better job and health coverage again but I cannot afford to go back on medication. RFK has already stated what he plans to do to people receiving psych medications. If he simply takes those meds away, I’ll go through withdrawal again and will likely lost my job as I’ll be unable to function while my neurochemistry readjusts. I literally can’t take the risk to better myself. My family and friends have noticed. They are worried. I can’t even see a therapist because I can’t afford one. Besides, the Trump regime has expressed opinions on enslaving people for that too.
I got a small windfall from this years tax return. I spent it all immediately on little tech project distractions for myself. I use them as puzzles to put my focus into. I dare not hold onto enough money to buy a gun while in this state.
I cannot survive like this much longer. If my country doesn’t kill me, I might do it myself just to get away.
I can’t afford to immigrate to another country. I have no money. I have no unique and in-demand skills. I only speak one language. And I’m an American in 2025. No one would want me in their country anyway and I can’t say I’d blame them for that.
I can’t keep stalling. I don’t know what to do next but doing nothing will most certainly lead to my demise.
do not kill yourself. fight evil instead
I appreciate what you’re saying but I can’t just start killing Nazis. My options are limited.
you always have more options than you realize, and as your fellow gay you also have more allies than you realize
As someone who’s dealing with similar things but has found some ways of coping:
My therapists and I talk about the idea of “queer joy” - that living in itself is the Revolution and fight. Showing that you are resilient and strong gives lie to what the fascists say about people like us.
Things that I have found help me are speaking up more. If I think my life is to the point where I am terrified to this point, I might as well go out swinging.
Art is another thing. Art is antithetical to fascism - that’s why they love AI so much. Get some cheap acrylic paint from Walmart or a sketch book and just show that your life has meaning. Fascism is a negation of life’s meaning - a desire towards death. You can oppose it by choosing to live.
I'm not OP, and I'm not an artistic person, but at one of my lowest points, I found pleasure in learning graffiti. The culture, the do's and don'ts, because I also wanted an outlet, and I've always colored between the lines. I wanted a voice, to be heard, and to say "I AM HERE" at the same time.
I'm a nobody in the graffiti world, but its a hobby anyone can do (but should not do).
Graffiti has a lot of meanings. When a spot gets covered by layers of graffiti, it's a message to the local government saying "do something about it" such as abandoned vehicles or neglected buildings. Graffiti can bring attention in a good (artistic) or bad (challenging authority) way.
And sometimes, it just means "look what I can do"
I like “a trans person peed here” as a message in men’s bathrooms. Trans men are especially invisible, and I think that is in part because we are so counter to narratives about transition. (That’s why the alt right have been co-opting feminism - to try “self hating girls who don’t understand the problem is the patriarchy” as a faux progressive narrative as an explanatory tool for us.)
Regressive ideologies require flattening people to stereotypes. When you live outside of those stereotypes - which we all do, because human beings are all inherently three dimensional and complex beings, even the shitty and hateful ones - you challenge those ideologies. You testify to their wrongness with your body and “soul.”
You say - they think of me as a pervert or mentally ill or unfit in all of the different ways they try to call someone inhuman, but I am not and I will show them this. I will make them kill me if they want me to stop showing them that they are wrong. And if they do kill me - it is their failure. They are so pathetic that they must negate me to make their argument.
The challenge is building up the bulwark against despair. Art calls - but it’s not just paintings and graffiti and sculpture. You can extend the idea of performance to your life, to say, this is the story of human resilience through hard times. It sucks that it has to be told, but I will speak so that others can learn from it.
No one really even listened to the queer survivors of the Holocaust until the 1970s and 80s. People were so afraid of speaking up, because there were still consequences for being gay. We can make sure that there is so much evidence that they can never say nothing happened. Killing yourself gives them what they want, means you give in quietly.
It is god damn fucking hard. This is a type of battle for our souls, and each day you make it to the end of is a victory. Find as many small joys as you can and know your work is honorable.
The closest thing I have to art skill and desire wise is my little 3d printing projects. One of them I like dusting off every now and then is making a home server that fits inside an old power mac g4 cube. I release the designs online when I’m done. It’s isn’t emotive but it is a puzzle with a set of decisions I get to make about how things work. I creat a problem I can solve.
I don’t think I’ve released the latest version as I’m not entirely happy with how it works. I also created a small tower for an old rockpro64 but again, it’s incomplete so unreleased. There are issues with the software for it I haven’t ironed out yet so I can’t fully assemble it and ensure it’s able to properly regulate its temperature yet.
It’s a weird little puzzle I’ve created for myself but with that I have some control over something in my life.
I am not an artistic person, but I am creative, and I think you're probably similar. I'm not great at CAD, 3D printing, or embedded coding. But damn is it satisfying. I've made a few neat things here and there, but the best thing I've done combines all three.
I don’t think I’ve released the latest version as I’m not entirely happy with how it works.
That in itself can be the reason to live today - improving that design.
When I say “art” - I am trying to mean something broader. Human expression, things we do which aren’t immediately about survival or the approval of others. Music, hobbyist programming, sports… It also does not need to be “good” or express a “skill.” I am a god awful painter, but my shitty paintings are still valuable to me.
The idea is that we are the universe experiencing itself, and we can make new experiences. Your 3D printed art projects bring value to the world - far more than fuckers like Trump ever will. Trump deserves to be suicidal. Not you.
We are nearly exact opposites. I am a married old dude with plenty of kids. Financially stable.
MAGA creeps me the fuck out. Give it an election cycle to clear up. Historically shit ALWAYS goes bad when Republicans sweep elections like this ... these "conservative" assholes got control of the government and started the great depression. It always swings back to liberal control.
If it doesn't and peaceful measures stop working or become illegal then we will have to fix it utilizing the Second Amendment. We are going to need you beside us.
That's it. If you are going to hit "fuck it" ... make sure the time is appropriate.
I can’t afford to immigrate to another country. I have no money. I have no unique and in-demand skills. I only speak one language. And I’m an American in 2025. No one would want me in their country anyway and I can’t say I’d blame them for that.
I swear, this has been echoing in my head, nearly word-for-word, for weeks now. How does somebody in our position get out of this shithole country?
If you are a native English speaker, you can teach online remotely from anywhere or in person in dozens of countries.
Even teaching 10 hours a week is going to give you enough money for the extremely low cost of living abroad.
If you want specifics or further alternatives, ask away. I've been traveling for a long time.
If you are a native English speaker, you can teach online remotely from anywhere or in person in dozens of countries.
I have to imagine that's easier said than done. Even though I'm a native English-speaker, I don't have the slightest clue where I'd even start teaching somebody else. How would one "learn to teach" in order to best position themselves for this type of work?
So through talking here and in talking to friends in what’s left of the real world, I’ve decided moving to Oregon with my friends might be a healthy choice for me. There are a few obstacles I need to overcome first though.
First, I need to have a job ready for me.
Second, debt consolidation fucked my credit rating harder than I thought it would. I’m at 592 now, down from 806! Won’t finding a landlord with that rating be difficult?
Third, I have to fund relocating across an entire country.
So one step at a time. I need to find a job where I’m going. I have IT helpdesk experience and have been the go to computer guy for years in my area, especially with the elderly crowd. (I have most of them on Linux now since it REALLY fucks with scammers and lets them get more life out of older equipment.) Currently I’m doing call center medical insurance work from home but I can’t take the job with me. I’ve worked for a few places, including a county IT job where I completely changed their process for deploying new systems and put them way ahead of schedule. I’m adaptable and good with people and just really want to make things better for people. Coworkers like me. Customers adore me. I need to find a way to channel that into a job on the other side of the country.
Anyone know a guy?
Hey! I know a guy, because he is me. I'm making a similar move to escape the south. I'll dm you a little more detail to see if I can help.
Second, debt consolidation fucked my credit rating harder than I thought it would. I’m at 592 now, down from 806! Won’t finding a landlord with that rating be difficult?
If you find a roommate, maybe you could pay part of their rent without a credit check.
Go east.
The fascists will have a harder time operating in New England. There are more of us here. We can build our bastions and prepare to defend ourselves and our kin.
A critical mass of population will be necessary to get anything done, no matter what shape any such endeavors may take. Deprive neglectful municipalities, regions, and states of your productivity. Let them drown in their own incompetent excrement.
Weigh these options:
If you stay, everyone who loves you will lose you PERMANENTLY when the fascists isolate you and drag you away.
If you come to New England, everyone who loves you may AT LEAST still see you again someday, and you might actually stand a fighting chance shoulder to shoulder with us.
Do you think the blue states will hold out? Trump already said there won’t be blue states much longer. Granted he’s a buffoon and a blowhard but he’s one in a powerful position with powerful allies that enable him to lie cheat and steal his way to what he wants.
Okay, I think you spend too much time on the internet.
General rule of thumb to gauge reality is:
People IRL are underreacting
People online are overreacting
While yes, fascism is a serious threat. The fact that a journalist could still expose the Signalgate proves that not all freedoms are gone, not yet. There are still a lot prominent critics, they have not yet been silenced.
The administration is fighting a lot of court battles, and each one delegitimizes their actions. Without the legitimacy, they can face a lot of protests, which in turn fracture the military. Even if fascists try to use the military to, say, impose martial law to suspend elections. That would be too obvious and there would be infighting in the military.
There are election observers in every polling station, an overt tampering with votes would spark riots.
I would say the US is in a 6/10 serious threat of democracy failing. People IRL see it like 2/10 threat, while the internet see it as a 11/10 as if the fascists have already won. They have not won yet, the battle is still ongoing. Unless you hear the democratic state officials giving in, its not over.
In 2026 and 2028 elections, we will see if democracy actually falls.
You’re not alone there’s a whole lot of us out here with you and you’re important to the resistance. I 100% relate to a lot of what you said and I felt every bit of your pain in what you had to say. The truth is we(the resistance) needs you. ❤️🖤
Nobody needs me. I’m a drain.
I mean... I feel you
I'm struggling with depression, and because authoritarians are using psychaitry against dissidents, I can't admit I'm kinda suicidal, so the best meds I can hope for is for "depression" and not for my actual suicidal idealization.
I was born in the People's Republic of China, an authoritarian regime. And I immigrated to the US when I was a kid. I have derivative US Citizenship from my mother's naturalization. Then the US also started autocrarizing. Like... bruh, literally left an authoritarian country just to end up in another country on the same path. 😓 (Wtf people? Why?)
I'm constantly afraid of losing my citizenship. I'm a law-abiding citizen, but I'm afraid to even exercise my first amendment rights. I never even make any actual threats, but these fascists would see everything as a threat. I'm scared every day. And of course, it's making my depression worse and worse, ever since November 6th, the morning I'll never forget. I saw those results and I... I felt like as if my country foreign occupation. I just... I cried... I can't believe this.
People died for the right to vote, and now my fellow countrymen are throwing away their rights.
Please Do Not end your life. Elections are not gone (yet). Do not lose your vote, if people start ending their lives, the votes for the lesser evil will go down, which makes it easier for fascists to keep winning continue destorying democracy, until one day, it would be truely gone.
States run elections, some of the swing states have democraric officials, its gonna take a lot of effort to tamper with it. Their most effective tool is the propaganda. The actual vote count is still intact, the independent and democraric observers have not reported a widespread election fraud. Voter roll purges can be counteracted with by checking your registration often. Make sure every detail is correct. Vote in primaries too (vote for who you truely believe is the best candidate amonst the top 2 leading democrats). If the state requires you to register a party to vote in primaries, register democrat, vote, then after the primary, change your registration to independent. This would make it harder for them to know who is a democrat, making voter roll purging harder. As for the propaganda... you can't really do much except keep posting anti-fascist posts online to counteract the misinformation.
The US is an autocratizing democracy, but the fascists still have a long way to go to actually stay in power. trump isn't a true dictator, he's what I call a Pseudo-Dictator The military hasn't taken an oath to the president (yet), its not totally hopeless. In 2020, the military recognized Biden's victory. And judging by how incompetent these fascists are with the Signalgate, I'm gonna guess they are really bad at this fascist takeover attempt, they won't succeed if people keep resisting.
We still have some free speech and free press. It is deteriorating, but not completely gone. Not yet.
There are ways to potentially make a difference.
We have cameras. Go near protests, but don't actually get in the crowd if you don't want to take risks. Not everyone has to be on the front line, and it's okay. You can be the journalist. Record videos. Document everything. Share videos online (Scrub the metadata and use anonymous accounts). Ideally, use a burner phone, or the old-fasion cameras. If you decide to use a burner phone, you can set up auto-uploading or livestreams to ensure the recordings survive, but you could possibly leave traces to your movements and get linked to the protests. If you use a camera (and leave any phones at home), it'd be much harder to track your movements, but you'd also lose the potential to auto-upload. So pick which ever option that feels good to you. Make sure to cover your head as much as possible.
The more cameras covering the events, the more knowledge people have. It can really win the public opinion if we have evidence police brutality and suppression of peaceful protests. (Only do these things if your health is okay first)
TLDR: Cameras can be a powerful, non-violent, weapon against authoritarianism. Use them. Spread the knowledge.
(Also, if you aren't in a blue area, leave now. Move to a blue city in a blue state, or blue city in a purple state to make your votes matter slightly more, your choice tho. I live in Philly, and I know there ain't no open nazis around here. This city is diverse and has 40% Black population, and deeply blue city. Aint not way any nazis or klansman can walk in here doing salutes or wearing swastica armbands in broad daylight and not get their asses beaten.)
Remember others care so much for you OP that you can't give in to desperation yet. You have to believe you can overcome someday, even if it's pointless, you still have to do it!
I really mean this--its not over yet
I don’t think there’s anyone left that really cares about me. I’m more of an obnoxious pet they regret buying but now are stuck with. My ex left and married someone else within a year. The cat died. I lost my home because the ex owned it and wanted me out so he could rent it out for more money. My sister is really the only person in my family that likes me. The nephews and nieces like me because to them I’m a giant kid they get to play with. But they are also still young enough that if I vanished from their lives they would forget me and move on just fine.
Hi friend. I want you to know you are not alone. I am on the other side of the planet, but I know it's coming here. Parts are already here and I'm terrified. Our billionaires are wooing Trump and Elon already, along with elements of the political class. I'm recovering from a breakdown and privileged enough to be able to get the help I need to work through this. I still am. It's hard. I want to end it all at times. But you know what? Fuck these Nazis and fascist.
I'm now working my hardest to live. I want to live. I want to love. I want my friends, family and my community to be happy. These people are trying to take that away from us. Connect with your friends, family, and community members. Try your best, I know I am. I hope I can show everyone else what is happening and make change for the better. I am terrified of retaliations and what they might do to me and my family, but I won't stop, because then they have already won.
Community friends and family I believe is how we will stop this. Get people out of the algorithm. Try your best. Love yourself.
I hope you find peace and happiness.
Love and best wishes, from Australia.
I was unaware Australia had fallen too! I’m so sorry to hear that.
I think our background is similar and I feel you. One thing I think I learned recently is that there are artist communes out there in the middle of nowhere in probably every US state disconnected from everything except a small likely poor communities which are self-sufficient and focused on art. They range in size from a couple people to larger communities.
A bunch of people just get together to buy some cheap land or something and do this. The idea appealed to me a bit. Leaving the rat race and just subsisting and disconnecting.
Hard times like this will come and go. You can fight if you want and more power to you or you can isolate with a group of like-minded people and stay safe that way until things get better. Or you can think about it as saving your energy both mental and physical for when you have an opportunity to take action that actually makes a difference.
Mental health is health and you need to take care of it. Just like it's bad for your body to eat tons of junk food, never exercise, take addictive drugs, etc. It's bad for your mind to constantly ingest bad news when there isn't anything you can do about it for now.
Stop reading social media and the news and turn inwards to focus on things that bring you joy. If you have art or creative endeavors turn to those. Try to avoid hobbies that take too much money and find things you can do cheaply so you don't do things like blow your tax return (financial health is another thing and you should be creating an emergency fund with any extra money you find right about now).
Here are some examples on the cheaper side I enjoy: watercolor, bookbinding, knitting, sketching, etc.
I can’t afford to eat. An entire paycheck goes to rent. Half the month I have family buying my groceries. There is no room for joy in my life because I can’t afford it.
That's really tough man. This is where I think these small communities might really help though. They are mostly people living in tiny homes and vans or something with almost no housing costs. So they can afford to focus on their art.
My fellow homeless neurodivergent queer friends survive on the west coast. Its not perfect, but you can usually get medical support from the state.