Mang, shit is bullshit: a rant not in need of solutions
Mang, shit is bullshit: a rant not in need of solutions
Hokay, so.
I’m on HRT and have been for a decade and change. This is real cool, except how basically every interaction with cisgenderedists gets me misgendered, and a hearty “sir” or a flurry of “he/hims” levied my way. I mean, fuck, I can be standing there in knee-high boots, a leather skirt, and a cropped hoodie and I get misgendered as fuuuck.
“So change shit up, motherfucker.”
I do a phone job and my voice is believably feminine in both English and Japanese, which is cool, but something about my real life existence just reeks of masculinity.
Can’t really do makeup cause the structures responsible for processing my face are damaged. I can tell what emotion I’m making, but I can’t perceive enough of my face to draw well on it. Also since I’ve had two strokes, even if I could, I’d prolly do eyeliner wings like a fuckin’ gridiron player.
I got beautiful wavy blonde hair that goes down past my butt, and though I don’t have the manual dexterity to style that really well with buns and braids and such, I can at least try shit other than the basic nape-of-neck ponytail.
Also I’m flat as your average golf course: maybe two discernible bumps, and that’s fuckin’ it. Also I’m ace as fuck so if they were any bigger I’d get real self-conscious about it.
At least I got a fashion sense that makes Square Enix jealous.
I’m gonna figure shit out that works for me, either that or I’m gonna keep on tolerating the injustices of the bastards who never thought to play with the character creator.
Also I guess they want me to add a photo so here you are.
Apologies for my shitty English. It’s fuckin’ terrible.
“Wait, you got prosopagnosia?”
That’s fuckin’ right, I can’t even find my own wife in the grocery store unless I memorize her outfit.
But every time is the first time I see her and she’s always so goddamn stunning.
There's some Matrix vibes with all that leather.
“You just ask yourself fuckin’ questions and think they’re from people?”
Yeah I’ve been on Reddit for like fifteen years and Lemmy for one, I know the kinda shit folks ask. Saving you the effort. Click the upvote, it cures depression.
“They say swearing is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.”
Yup, I had two strokes, I deserve a crutch. My Japanese is clean as the driven snow. My English is as dirty as snow driven upon.
Mooooooooood. You do have great style
Around my neck there is Serah Farron’s engagement pendant from Final Fantasy XIII. My wife proposed to me with it, almost a decade ago!
“Tanis, your English sounds fluent and competent!”
Yeah I worked hard at it but I got some fuckin’ obvious-ass issues I gotta work at with this shit.
“Shit, mang.”
Yeah, shit’s bad. Can’t even walk into Sizzle Pie without their pizza size chart giving me a seizure cause I can’t fucking process it with my busted brain meats.
Eyeliner’s gonna be a biiiiitch.
Personally, I don't have the discipline or determination to grow my hair down to my butt. By the time it was long enough to cover my nipples, I was insane from all the washing and styling effort. Oddly enough, even long it was a men's haircut, and it FELT like a men's haircut. Actually getting it cut short and realizing that short hair could be cute and feminine was somewhat the beginning of the end for my egg.
One voice in my head says “yes, be done with this,” and the other says “you do not have enough lifespan left to make your hair this long again, so if you cut it, it’s gone.”
So it stays. For now.
Can’t really do makeup
A use case for Homers make up gun! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gId2HsHvSgs
You got that thing set to “whore!”
You've been on HRT for a decade? If you don't mind me asking, what ester & dose and what route of administration? Do you get blood tests and if so what are your levels like?
IRL I met some trans elders who had been on HRT for a while and didn't see any effects from it (almost no breast growth or much change to their face beyond skin softening some, etc.). I think they were taking the estrogen orally, and they weren't sure exactly about their blood levels, but they thought they were fine.
When taken orally, I think around 80% of the estrogen is filtered out by the liver, so it can be hard to get enough estrogen that way and there are peaks and troughs multiple times a day (it is ideal when taking oral to dose 3 - 5 times a day to ensure even and adequate estrogen through the day). Patches & gel are all better than oral, but injections seem the best in terms of getting a consistently high enough level of estrogen.
As of my lab work done on Sunday, my levels are 140pg/ml estrogen, and ❤️ testosterone. (How feminine is that?)
This is all oral, cause I’m a giant wuss.
So your testosterone is really low !! But I would personally consider estrogen too low, though you know your own body best. When did you get the blood work done compared to the last dose you took?
I think the common conservative recommendation is to have between 100 - 200 pg/mL so your blood work looks good on paper, but I personally found below 300 at trough was mentally difficult for me. I use estrogen as my anti-androgen ("monotherapy"), so I take a larger dose than most.
You might consider aiming for higher blood levels of E and with a better & safer route of administration.
I am a wuss too, it was extremely difficult for me to overcome my needle phobia (I mean, literally breaking down crying after some injections, taking a long time to overcome the mental block to actually push the needle in, just so so so hard for me). But you do get used to it, and it's not bad after you get some practice.
Also, I inject subcutaneously, so I use really small needles that don't hurt at all (literally, I sometimes can't feel the needle). That was crucial for me in overcoming needle phobia, I think it would be much harder to inject intramuscularly (IM).
Even if you still can't do injections, I would encourage doing something to avoid oral, even sublingual troches which have their own problems might still help with absorption, and even better would be patches or gel.
If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend reading this: https://transfemscience.org/articles/transfem-intro/
It's a bit long and technical, but it might help (it certainly helped me).
I'm digging the style with the skirt and the boots. Definitively some matrix vibes with the leather and boots. Looking good girl!
Personally, I’m always aiming for Final Fantasy, especially the ones set in modern day to the future, but the Matrix isn’t far off!
「よ、あんたの脳は大丈夫か？」
はい。多分。かも。気にしないで。分からない、知らない。
As a cis guy who wish men had the option to wear skirts too this is going to mess with people's brain for ages 🤔
You're looking hella good though, that outfit is a killer!
If passing is the goal, dress like a stereotypical religious conservative woman in her 40s.
Floor length skirt, sensible top.
Here's the reason: Conservatives are used to seeing frumpy women who don't look like super models. They will also see you as less "other".
Also, try wearing your hair down.
I know this sounds conformist, but it helps you pass.
- A stealth commie transwoman in a very conservative area.
Obsessed with those boots 😍 you look amazing!!
