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Bible stories are the same way, we've just heard them a million times so they don't seem weird
"Hey Jesus what toppings do you want for pizza?"
"Plain with cheese"
Later the disciples are eating pizza with Jesus
""Hey Jesus why did you say you like cheese pizza when you normally order pepperoni?"
"You dumb fucks how dare you not understand my hidden meaning, I am the true pizza and you are the pepperoni, the grease is my blood"
"Oh of course, sorry boss"
... And one day, Jesus saw a fig tree. It was not the season for figs, and so there were no figs on the fig tree. But still, Jesus wanted a fig. He was upset there were no figs, and so he cursed the tree to never bear fruit again. If he couldn't have a fig, no one could! Probably bathed its roots in a thin stream of uric acid, I don't know.
Point is, that fig tree never made another fig, and when his followers asked how, Jesus zipped up his pants and said "if you believe in me, you can do anything. Not only can you totally curse trees to death, you can fuckin' teleport mountains into the ocean. That'd be sick, dude."
- The Book of Dave, 69:66-6
Thought that one always tied back to the whole "you shall know them by their fruits" thing.
As in those who talk nice but don't produce anything useful (like a fig tree that doesn't produce figs, just leaves) are not really doing what Jesus said. Don't be like the Pharisees hollering out in the streets, just love God and do good in the world.
There is a story in the Apocrypha (decanonized Bible books) where childhood Jesus turns another kid into a tree. I like to think it's the same tree.
Yes but it's still weird because it wasn't the right time of year for it to have fruit. The tree would have if Jesus hadnt been a dick.
Well then you're back to Ecclesiastes. Everything in its season etc.
Idk, I was just trying to put the best argument forward, but l'm not really a fan of the New Testament in part because of its inconsistency.
May your marinara be forever spicy.
"Jesus... when you say 'get me off this fucking cross, so help me God'... is that a test? Or should we actually get you off the cross?"
( More ranting and screaming and moaning )
The disciples nod wisely at their leader's self-sacrifice for... their sins maybe? And he will always be immortal in their hearts, because they've already eaten him or something.
The disciples go home, wiser and holier and warily eyeing each other in confirmation of the deeper meaning behind their saviour's last words: "Guys, please, I'm not fucking around, get me down, please, I'm so fucking thirsty.... Jesus fucking christ"
In response to calling a prophet bald:
"So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." -New King James bible, 2 Kings 2:24
This is the real way to turn the other cheek
My childhood bestie's dad was one of the only bald men in our church. He pulled out this story every time anyone in our youth group mentioned it.
Yeah, Kings is wild.
Where have you heard them a million times? I guess you grew up in a far less secular country.
The US. I grew up in the central and southern US and the shit is (or perhaps was) inescapable.