lazyneet @ lazyneet @programming.dev

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4

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131

Joined

2 yr. ago

I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.

Sorry, I'm having trouble parsing that phrase. You had a busy schedule and that's a red flag in relationships, or the roommate's boyfriend's reaction to your busy schedule...?

Ideally, yes, no one partner takes priority over another. Good luck finding even one as an early-stage late-transitioning transfem where I live. I'm ready to cut my heart out and set it on a plate for someone, but if I need more than one partner then chronology alone may create a hierarchy that's out of my control, as happened very recently and was toxic because of the first guy I dated. One bad apple will fuck you up. Good on anyone for having any kind of relationship and surviving in this crazy world.

I do read into things a lot. Like how you ended your post with "someone/s" rather than "someone(s)" considering /s is internet code for sarcasm. Sorry, I've just dealt with a lot of hostility in the past so I'm on high alert for it.

"Oh you got a boner? Lol nice one dude, I do too! Oh man I'm so jealous of that length. No homo lol! Let's go warm up in the hot spring. No peeking lol"

Holy shit that is some capital T phobia. I didn't know the Nazis invaded Reddit, but it sadly seems inevitable as popular platforms age. As a pansexual non-binary transfem who doesn't wear dresses, I at least don't feel hated here. Though there are still cliques, as in many settings.

I think you're trying to help. I'll just say that cis people make relationships with those of different genders asymmetrical. I don't. I throw out the heteropatriarchal mindset along with any notion that a relationship is some kind of trade or whatever you're implying by "in return." I'm nobody's girlfriend, I'm a doppelganger for my hypothetical partner and will take exactly what I give.

Yes, casual dates are good. I need lots more of those. And cuddles.

I hope my fatigued writing didn't give the impression that I have 15 simultaneous partners! That would solve a lot of problems.

I get that you value platonic friendships. I suck at friends, better at sex. I don't know what I'd cleverly compare my relationship maintenance to. Either shooting myself in the foot or setting myself on fire. It tears me up that I can't have what I know I like - femboys and guys 10 years younger than me - without the understanding that it's temporary bs - don't get too close or you'll get burned. I hate this self-knowledge that seems to only come with estrogen. I might be more approachable but I don't have the energy to chase cute boys. And girls, well, if I don't top I'm ousted from the relationship. Sorry for the rant. You aren't my therapist. (I wish my therapist were trans though.)

I'm curious what kind of men you like (what few you do) assuming you like relationships on the physical side.

To be a fresh bagel again (⋟﹏⋞)

1. Lemmy is libre federated Reddit. What more do you want? You don't need the shitware that Reddit runs or its toxic communities.
2. TERF-trans alliance? I used to imagine the idea that, in a million-monkeys way, there was bound to be a small "trans 4 Trump" contingent on Twitter. Later I heard about Caitlyn Jenner's politics, and the reification of the unlikely took its innocence. You know well enough to stay away from those groups.
3. If you're looking for transphobic self-flagellation, there are many routes you could take that don't endanger the community. There are shows - one person recommended Sex and the City, and the recent Ed Gein streaming series seems to make some reprehensible parallels between us and serial killers, despite the queer tastes of its creators. You could also get into an abusive relationship and get called an ugly fag that roleplays as a tranny, like the last relationship I was in. You could make a Grindr profile and call yourself a "sissy" to attract the wrong kind of people, and don't forget to mention you have a high pain tolerance.
4. We all love you and support you in spirit. The impetus to make decisions that are right for you is ultimately on you, and if it's an issue of self-control, therapy isn't a bad idea. I'm in therapy to address my feelings of lonelines, failure, and emotional/empathetic/relationship maintenance inadequacy. Whatever you do, you will probably be fine.

I (pan nb mtf) have only ever dated queer people, and none of them have been homophobic under normal circumstances, though I did have a platonic relationship with an older bi cis woman who kinda freaked out when I talked about my obsession with femboys, framing me as some kind of predator and clearly having some internal panic. I also dated someone (amab agender) who was fine until their nervous breakdown, then when they found out I gave their roomie a bj they had a huge panic attack and tried to seriously hurt me, so bad a neighbor called 911. They also used a lot of transphobic slurs throughout the incident.

The way you describe her, I think your gf may not be traditionally homophobic, I think she may have a mental health issue. Maybe see if she's open to getting a therapist.

DIY is of course less common in the US where clinical care is somewhat readily available, but I'm glad it's OTC in SEA as I may end up working in the region. As for cis people, my father is or was on T for ED, so there are legitimate uses and I generally trust the medical decisions people make for themselves.

I wish I had a doctor who could look at a number like 300 and say "this is fine." I've been at more or less baseline E doses for over a year and they mainly increased the spiro, which then got my potassium too high, so I lowered that without consulting anyone because I can't just email my provider, and for the past 3 months I've had no clear picture of where my levels are at. I wish this stuff were in the cereal aisle so I could take care of things based on my own knowledge.

It's cool that you have a queer sibling. It sounds like you parents aren't a problem but some parts of the medical establishment may be. Here's an old Reddit post with discussion on the subject. There might be more up-to-date info now but I think this is a good start:

https://old.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/d6p6xm/a_map_of_every_informed_consent_no_therapist/

If you don't do it through a provider who does the informed consent route, they refer you to therapy initially AFAIK. FWIW I think it's worth trying the clinical route first (Planned Parenthood or otherwise) so that you have experience doing it "right" if your fears actually do come to pass. The federal political climate is a serious concern.

As for your parents, it's good to probe a little bit to know what their opinions are on various queer issues. They will probably try to support you in general, but based on what they know or how they perceive everything around them, they might try to "help" in harmful ways if they're like that. Are they baby boomers? Do they know what trans people are, and the difference (and overlap) between trans and gay? Do they believe in trans rights, or human rights more generally? Are they religious, conscientious, nationalist, liberal, or what? These are the kinds of things you should know about them before broaching the subject, and you can come out in stages if that seems better to you.

When I was 30. I didn't see gender as quite so relevant at a younger age, but then masculinity became a really unappealing quality for me as I observed some toxic varieties in the people around me, and felt as if I was being infected by it.

Just a guess without looking anything up, it will probably cost more than $20/month. Personally, I recommend going the clinical route since you are in the US and the quality of care is generally good. Opinions vary on monotherapy (which DIY generally is) vs E and spiro. In general, you'll want your levels checked every now and then, and you'll want to avoid smoking anything as that can interfere. (I'm in a town where everyone is kinda sketchy so I'm biased to assume people might have addictions, eating disorders, or other issues that complicate things.)

That is a possibility. Or you could hunker down with a pride flag until you get hate crimed, which would strengthen your case for seeking asylum. /s

You're 2 years away from a 4-year degree. My college is full of non-traditional students, and you might be able to go to a Finnish university (for instance) with that 2-year degree as a credential.

I'll share my story since parts of it may apply to OP.

In 2023 I took a trip oversees to find myself and take a break from the town I was and am living in, which is a relatively conservative pocket of Oregon. I thought I was a cis male at the time, and I was basically a closeted bisexual, which fit the local culture of toxic masculinity rather well. That was when I went back to college in order to finish my degree and hopefully move overseas.

I started seeing myself as more non-binary and was wearing fem clothes and makeup in early 2024. I faced very little harassment in the town and was even complemented on my nails at a grocery store that plays gospel music over the radio. People were surprisingly accepting. I started HRT that summer, then everything went downhill politically. Biden dropped out of the running, a certain fascist called Harris a loser a bunch of times (which I didn't think would be an effective strategy), and I voted Libertarian because I couldn't take any of it seriously. Then the fascist won, and by enough of a margin that I started looking at maps to figure out where I would be safe. From December onwards I've been facing gender-based harassment regularly.

I'm supposed to graduate in 2026. At that point I can move, and I might have to if I need access to medication, income, and the larger queer community. I'm not sure if I've earned refugee status yet, but the rise of fascism is a slow process and I don't know what the future holds for my rights and safety.

Is too late to recommend going to college? At the very least you'll have something to take your mind off of the disaster, and you might meet other queer people, even if they themselves have plans to move.

Awesome! I'm looking forward to this new board.