dingus @ dingus @lemmy.world

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Idk why people on the internet like to accuse me of not doing what my providers are telling me lol. They are the ones dictating my meds, not me!

Lexapro I was on for several months before being discontinued. Lamictal I have been on since around August. My current dose of Lamictal I have been on since November. Like you, I notice literally zero effect, neither positive nor negative lol (besides itchiness when first titrating). She had me on a low dose of Luvox for only one month. It was sub therapeutic and I was actually optimistic for her to increase it.

But instead I guess because of an event I told her, she immediately discontinued that and switched to Seroquel. I kind of regret telling her, but people always tell me I have to be honest with my providers. I was disheartened, but I did agree to try it. I always agree to try these things.

My med list is longer, but I never bothered to list my PRN meds. I have never found them overly helpful because I can't always predict triggers and they take too long to kick in if I'm actively freaking out. Have tried hydroxyzine, propranolol, and now clonidine as needed. So far it seems like clonidine has been occasionally mildly useful, but otherwise that's about it. I don't have issues with sleep or nightmares, so they aren't given to me for that purpose.

I am trying to be patient, but it's hard because I feel like I have made zero progress despite being on this journey for so long.

People also always tell me to get a different provider. I do that too concurrently without dumping my current providers just to see if anyone else could possibly be more helpful. But I always maintain my old providers because they know me and my history and I also am trying to not just seem like I always start and stop and that I am never trying to get anywhere.

My psychiatric NP actually literally told me the other day that she feels bad that she and my therapist are struggling to help me. It's not that I am being difficult.

Anyway, sorry for the wall. I'm just endlessly frustrated but endlessly trying!

Yeah my therapist emphasized stop as well. There are like a zillion DBT skills so maybe instead of being overwhelmed by the volume of them, I should pick out a few key ones and latch onto them ig.

I mean that's not a particularly helpful statement. I just feel lost and don't know how to find a therapist that can actually help me. I've spent so much time and money and effort on this stuff. :(

Wow!! It's really good to hear a success story! What things have helped you the most? Have any medications helped you at all? I know borderline is refractory to meds, but a lot of times I really just wish I had something that could even help tone things down slightly to be more productive with the therapy techniques.

What do you mean by that? I live alone. Most of my friends are online. There is one irl person who has help me a lot two of the times that I was in a huge crisis, but we aren't close people who hang out. She has been amazing to me but I can't always be calling her in the middle of the night lol.

That said, that is NOT a long med list and you seem unclear on what the medications are for vs what your symptoms are. None of those medications are for ADHD, and those periodic increases in emotional sensitivity are basically textbook bipolar. Honestly I'm thinking you may need to communicate better with your doctors or find ones that are better communicators if you can.

My providers seem to be more keen on treating symptoms (ex: rn quetiapine for dramatic mood shifts, Lexapro was for depressive spells and anxiety, etc.). I was also briefly on Luvox and didn't mention it because it was really short and a low dose. She was titrating me up on it recently but then abruptly switched me to Seroquel after I told her about my most recent extreme reaction.

I am not being treated for ADHD because I don't have ADHD. They one and only "symptom" I have of ADHD is sensitivity to rejection. I know it's popular nowadays for people to claim that you must have ADHD if you have that. But in reality, there are a lot of conditions that involve rejection sensitivity. It's not only ADHD. For me, the rejection sensitivity stems from social anxiety and possibly borderline personality disorder on top of it.

I also do not have bipolar disorder. I have been screened for it numerous times. I need to clarify that my "episodes" have a significantly shorter duration than what is required for bipolar disorder. My episodes are also generally trigger based and do NOT involve sleep disturbances. These things point a lot more towards borderline personality disorder.

I do know borderline personality disorder is refractory to most meds, but I feel like I really really need something in order to help to better use the skills.

Yeah, I've been told by others in life that I need to seek other providers, but it just gets so exhausting and expensive doing that. There is a new person I was going to call today I guess.

I'll definitely keep trying, keeping all of your guys' thoughts in mind. But it's definitely not as simple as people like to make it sound. I am trying.

Funny you should mention borderline personality disorder. I've thought for a while now that I've met a ton of the traits. It's supposed to be responsive to therapy, particularly DBT, which is why I was interested in seeking it out. My current therapist only uses general DBT concepts which is frustrating but I have a comprehensive DBT skills book that I have been working through to supplement. While the skills seem to occasionally help with mild issues/triggers, unfortunately they don't seem to begin to touch the pain of larger ones.

Thing is I feel like most therapists I've seen are like that. They just sort of meander and let me meander and talk. They try to give some input after. I mean like, at the end of the day, I definitely appreciate feeling validated, but at the same time it is not really touching my issues.

I'm tired honestly lol, but curious. How is this different than all the other shit out there? What is it?

Yes, I definitely advocate for trying out many of the things the users in this comment section speak of. But on top of that, you sound like the kind of person that medications might be able to help with. If you have thoughts always racing and non stop, I wonder if you could benefit from ADHD or anxiety medication. Combining both meds and these techniques might really help a lot for you to quiet your mind. Worth a shot if you can get there.

When I flip to happy mode I literally always forget that I get the sads lol.

I'm the opposite lol. I have too many wildly chaotic emotions. They keep trying different drugs for me and now they are trying a low dose of Seroquel. Not overly pleased to be trying such a harsh drug, but I keep doing my best to try things after my job threatened to fire me and my coworkers getting frustrated with me. Idk man.

This was even though I was punished (not in a harsh way) for having extreme emotions as a kid. I guess some of us just end up with a extreme emotions even though guardians work to remove that idk.

Love the content warning on this lmaoo

Pretty sure most people are only against circumcision for infants who do not consent. No one is talking about those with a medical need.

I get surgically removed foreskins every day at my work, but they are elective procedures by those who can consent for a relatively "common" condition called phimosis.

Glad to hear it :))

Well I reached out in a very harmful and manipulative way is the thing. Only a few EAP sessions are covered by my job. My insurance is shit so I pay the full price of therapy as if I had no insurance because it's not covered. But I have still been in therapy anyway because I know it's necessary and I am paid well enough to afford it.

Occasionally I feel like I need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, but that's not really a thing. Suicide hotlines are for suicidal people. I was in extreme distress but not suicidal. I've never called one before. I have heard of warm lines like just recently after that event. Usually I am not to that level of extreme as the other day though, just high distress not extreme extreme distress lol. But idk that any of these are suitable idk what to do man.

Curious how old you are if you wouldn't mind sharing.

I know you didn't ask for it this way, but I don't believe in a good. Thing is we get only one life on this planet. At its core, we are all organisms simply fighting to survive with as minimal pain possible. So if life truly has no meaning then the only thing you need to worry about is pleasure. Not in a decompensatory way, but as a way to realize that that's what we are here for. To survive and persist and do what we can to find kindness and pleasure for ourselves.

I'm sorry if that's not overly helpful. I just hope that you see that we here you. You are not alone in this community. Please stay with us.

I did twice in life. It was very wet and tasted like spit. Confusing why it's pleasant to others lol.

Thank you. :) Right now my issues are not from social anxiety, but rather from ongoing social "abuse" and rejection/abandonment at work. I used to wake up every day excited to go to work, but now I just feel so alone there. I cry often in the bathroom and before and after.

It's not as simple as "get a new job" either. My field is small and it would necessitate moving away. Yet I own my place. Plus I am tied with someone who I felt to be my best friend at one point who no longer is. For someone with social anxiety, feeling accepted is important to me.

I feel very alone in person rn and am struggling, but that's why I've always taken solace on the internet. Sure there are also a lot of shitheads online...often more than irl. But at the same time, you can run into people who you can pour your heart out and that will actually accept you. Maybe it's "unhealthy", but it has always helped me. I started talking to people online during my early teens when I had such extreme social anxiety that I could hardly talk to anyone in person. I credit my experiences online with helping me to develop social skills in person despite me being unable to do so at the time.

Hoping the best for you all. Happy Friday. :)