Between this and Northwestern, I'm so glad student journalism is getting a spotlight!
I would love to eat meat replacements on a more regular basis, but impossible and beyond burgers are more expensive than actual meat where I live. So I just don't buy them. If the technology /economies of scale actually manage to make them cheaper than meat, I'd replace 80% of my meat consumption.
Saying this as an ethnically Chinese person who is not being racist... I had a eufy robovac and when I discovered it was Chinese-owned and had a video camera installed on it... I immediately got rid of that thing. I don't trust any technology company owned by China to be able to see into my home.
When I'm really struggling it's annoying to have people call me strong or resilient. I mean technically I am strong but it feels like a curse. I don't want to be strong. I want it to be easier.
The worst one, though, THE WORST, is when they say "I don't know how you do it/live like this."
Uuuuhhhh, if I had a choice I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. I have no choice. The only way out is through.
Thank you! I am tough. The last 3 years have been harder than I could've ever fathomed, but I'm still trucking on. There's a lot more to me than depression, even though it swallows everything sometimes.
I literally fantasize about having enough space in my home for a chest freezer.
This week is the first week I've felt halfway close to being a human being in a really long time. My rTMS treatment for depression is finally starting to kick in. This is my 3rd round now and each time I see significant improvements, but they only last 4ish months and I relapse horrifically after.
My most recent relapse lasted 3ish months while I was scrambling to get treatment (and an unsuccessful Ketamine trial). I finally found a hospital willing to treat me, and also give me maintenance treatments so hopefully I don't relapse again.
It's just been hell for a while. Last weekend I finally felt the gears in my brain "click". I am capable of experiencing positive emotions again. I still feel emotionally dead a lot of the time, but at least I don't want to die anymore (for now).
It feels good to not be in excruciating pain. It feels good to have less disordered thinking. I look back and it feels like I was a different person, I don't even understand or recognize that person.
Anyways, I'm just... Trying to take a breather. Trying to fully experience the moment. I don't know how things will go in the long term, but I know the next couple of months will continue to be livable. Trying to be grateful for that, and not think too much about what comes next.
Now I have depression so it's slightly different than a physical disability, but I have been on disability for 2 years and some days am completely debilitated.
The biggest thing that helps me is just meeting myself where I am, and accepting and working with my restrictions rather than fighting them. One example is I try to make meals for my boyfriend and I since I'm not working right now. But for the last couple of months I've been extra sick and so groceries go bad in the fridge, I eat nothing or trash or order in which is super expensive.
And finally I decided to stop forcing myself to cook only to fail, and now I buy tons of preprepared foods and meal replacement powders. It's not as healthy as home cooked, but it's better than McDonald's or chips, and I don't spend as much money ordering delivery.
I'd tell me in high school to get treatment for depression instead of white knuckling my way through life and ending up with treatment resistant depression at 28 because I went without for so long.
As a Chinese person I actually think they're more Korean-inspired, not Chinese. And the devs are Korean, so it doesn't seem disrespectful.
Thank you so much. I feel your big hug and it's appreciated. I do have a therapist I see for my depression and ptsd. I will definitely talk about this with her.
Your empathy stretches beyond even the topic at hand. You hit the nail on the head when you say that suffering added on to existing suffering makes everything more complicated.
If I were mentally healthy right now I think I would process my sexual identity more easily. But for 3 years I've been struggling with annihilating depression.
Writing this is also a helpful reminder that I'm not in the best spot to figure it all out right now, and that I don't have to. I can sit with these somewhat complicated feelings for now and wait for when I'm healthier to open the box. At least I've acknowledged the box for now, instead of shoving it in the closet (har har).
Thank you again for your empathy and kindness. Really.
I love space but I know I'll never be an astronaut and go there, yet that doesn't make my desire to see the stars any less real and valid.
I actually love this and it legitimately makes me feel better lol
Honestly I played it for the first time last year and... It's good but I don't understand the hype? The story in 2022 didn't blow my mind. Definitely fun and I still recommend though.
Off the top of my head I feel like reframing as POC instead of white-identifying would ask the same question, but be less inflammatory to white people who are afraid of the word "white".
Tbh though the reality is those who are focusing on the pedantic word instead of the intent are likely looking for a reason to be unhappy... But asking for POC identification is more in line with what I'm used to seeing in diversity reports (admittedly white VS non-white is a bit... Blunt).
I like to say that everyone deserves white privilege... Including white people! Thanks for showing up and trying to be a good person!
Exactly on the identity piece, although I do kind of feel like I missed out. I keep thinking about all the times I felt attraction and ran away from it 😅
But I'm with the love of my life too, so, I guess I just move on.
the attention visibly queer and visibly trans people get, at least in my experience, is negative - who gets up in the morning seeking that?
You articulated this particular piece so well for me. I think I'm also struggling because I don't WANT to be queer. Between the mental health issues and the race and gender and and and I just... I didn't want to be bi on top of that. This isn't fun for me. I don't want one more thing my family is going to invalidate and judge me for. I didn't want to recognize my suffering on yet another thing.
But people (especially younger people) around me are getting more vocal and comfortable with their sexuality and I was watching Atypical where this teenager was discovering she was bi and I just hit this wall. I had to skip the scene because I couldn't bear to hear her say, "I'm bi." It just... Hurt. I both envied her and felt shame I wasn't her. But it wasn't the same 15 years ago when I grew up. (which just makes me feel stupid again. 15 years ago is bootycheeks compared to 50 years ago)
The most refreshing thing here has been to be able to respond and be backed up in my response.
Personally the most demoralizing thing about having the conversation taken over is often not being able to respond/take it back. At first I was afraid to say that this is just one more example of white people main character syndrome, because I was like, ugh, I'm going to get a bunch of comments of how I'm the actual racist one for generalizing all white people.
The justaskingquestions crowd makes me feel crazy for getting upset, and then villanizes me for being the upset one. But obviously I'd get more upset than them, they're the ones erasing me.
So normally I just slink away from these places, whether it's online, or my (supportive) boyfriend's shitty white family, or my uni alum groups, or my workplace. And that's the most demoralizing part, that they can say whatever they want and I have no recourse other than to leave.
So it means a lot to me that I don't have to leave here. That I can say my piece and have it backed up by the mods, not bullied & downvoted into submission.
I genuinely support people asking in good faith. Some white people just don't understand and they want to. But by the 2nd or 3rd response it's very clear which are in good faith and which are simply camouflaging their intolerance. So thank you for shutting the latter down.
Thank you. It's hard to say more right now because this is a lot to take in... But thank you.
I've talked about it a bit with my boyfriend. It's just hard to talk about it. It's kind of a new realization for me even though I've known it in the back of my mind all along.
And I just can't help but feel stupid and small for it. Like, "What's the point? You're in a straight monogamous relationship. Why are you so attention seeking? Just move on with your life."
I think I'm the one who needs to accept myself, not other people, reading that last paragraph back to myself lol. I think I'm scared to be bi in a straight monogamous relationship.
This is a bit of a vent because I don't feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that's ok.
I'm a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.
When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.
I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is... I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.
And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.
Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like "oh, all girls are like that."
I'm super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that... Oh, shit, I'm bi.
And it just upsets me? Like I'm in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him in a couple of years. I don't have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.
And I don't feel comfortable "coming out". I have this vague guilt that I've lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I'd be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are "actually queer". I'm worried people won't believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.
In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I'll survive to my 30s).
But I just feel like I'm stuck being a straight woman, and it's just something about myself that I'll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I'm ashamed to tell anyone because I'm afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.
Thinking about the wildfires in Québec tonight. I'm used to BC and Alberta having fires, but not this side of Canada.
Thinking about the ramifications of this is terrifying.
I've done a lot of grappling with climate change over the last couple of years.
It genuinely has brought me to the point of despair. I have questioned whether it would be right for me to have children. To even live another day.
There was news many years back now about a lawyer who set himself on fire in New York, in protest and despair. I empathized with him even then.
I am too rational to lie to myself. I will not be free from the suffering. My future children will not be free from the suffering. I genuinely am not certain that in 50 years, our government, our society, our infrastructure, agriculture, trade, peace, borders... I'm not sure any of it will still be intact.
And the ecological damage to the rest of living Earth. It will be vast. It will be apocalyptic.
And I also do not believe we will deviate from our path. Humanity will not correct itself. We will not recognize the dangers, and even if we do, we lack the will to do anything about it.
But I also don't believe that all life on Earth will be eradicated. I believe there will be a mass ecological extinction, yes. But life itself will survive. I don't even necessarily believe that humans won't survive.
And nothing will be as it was, but there still will be. Climate change will kill us but it will not kill the planet. Nature will survive. We have made her sick, we will change her permanently, but she will survive us. We are a brief illness in the course of her existence. And eventually, billions of years from now Earth will be subsumed into a black hole, and finally end, but we will not be the ones to make it end.
We will be the end of ourselves. So perhaps the above seems of little solace.
But it comforts me. I am one tiny speck of existence, being pulled along by forces infinitely greater than myself. I always feel guilty to non-human life for being innocent bystanders caught in our mistakes. But to be honest as one single ordinary human, I am just as powerless as a bird, an ant.
All I can do is try to keep on going. Like all life.
And that is honestly how I thought my way out of climate despair. I do not know how things will turn out. They may turn out okay for me. They may turn out okay for my children. They most likely won't turn out okay for my children's children's children. It's a matter of when, not if.
There is a chance to survive. And all living things will take that chance. We take that chance every day we wake up. Everyday, we do not know what will happen tomorrow. We do not know if life will be better, or worse. But we keep going, because that is all we can do.
When I really zoom out and expand outside of myself, I feel immense grief for nature. But also awe and pride. I know that things will change, but it will not end.
I do not know what ecosystems will look like in 500 years. (500 years. Think about it. Such a short period of time. 5 or 6 lifetimes. Only.) I do not know which species will be alive or extinct. But they will survive, and they will adapt, and they will diversify, and they will thrive again.
And the curious part of me thinks, I wish I knew how it would all play out. What an epic story. A galactic odyssey. Post-human Earth. It fills me with love and pride.
I am sorry that we are abusing you. I am sorry that we have exploited your gifts, destroyed our fellow living creatures.
I cannot personally do anything to change what is happening to you. I'm sorry for that too. But I will be thankful. Thank you for sustaining all of us. Thank you for giving us life.
Thank you for allowing us to exist here, on this beautiful planet, with all these beautiful plants and animals and landscapes and experiences, for this brief time in the universe.
A speck of carbon in a vast space-time to you. But it was everything for us. All of human history, unwritten and written. Cultures, civilisations, endless individual lives. Endless love stories and tragedies. Births and deaths. It was an eternity, cut short.
Thank you. I will do my best to persevere. To live. Like all living things strive to do. Forgive me. But I know there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness, after all, is a human concept. You are far beyond such things.
When I first found out it was an interesting concept that I was pretty neutral on but the more I engage/lurk with the community the more I enjoy it.
I generally don't post/comment much on Reddit because I tend to be extremely sincere and that's not always well received. Usually I don't get much hate, but what I do get is a lot of non-interaction mixed with downvotes. And it's just really discouraging when I'm just trying to share my thoughts.
But having no downvotes here is so nice because I'm not afraid that I'm going to get silenced into oblivion. Either people will actually engage with me (and maybe disagree, but in a meaningful way), or they'll move on and not randomly share their disdain via downvoting.
It's such a small change but makes a big difference. I bet a lot of people feel the same as me - it's more comfortable to engage here.