JayEchoRay @ JayEchoRay @lemmy.world

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Joined

3 yr. ago

There is a part of me that feels a need to explain my thinking in regards to feeling do negative about work prospects, so I will spoiler it for those that are interested to look at their own discretion.

Thank you for the reply

Yeah the strong sense of justice thing i get because I have been in the situations where I feel angry at it and is almost character defining

I don't know if that is a result of childhood trauma mixing with later life trauma and from that just becoming a state of existence

I like that aspect of being able to talk, but unfortunately the person who I could talk to for hours was an ex, and that is messy because there are still feelings there and because of that I cannot communicate with them when they are hopping between relationships

Otherwise, people just shut down, make assumptions or move away.

So I have just been very avoidant and keep everything in because when I share a lot of the time it is met with silence or disinterest.

I don't know if I mentioned it before but in the country where I live there is about 33% unemployment which enforce quotas require race and gender based distribution. Unfortunately by legal definitions, I am in the least desirable demographic.

Without a form of nepotism, one has to be, jn my case, generally exceptional to make it past such filters and even then expect to be stuck at lower end of the ladder because the upper end has its quotas already filled.

It is just a fact of life here that connections equal job mobility or one must start one's own income stream.

If not, then sucks to suck.

The thing that worked the longest, but collapsed was a regime of

-exercise -read a book -Journaling -meditation -affirmations -mindfulness -self-care

But without support to help me keep going when times are tough I just backslide

From that, I disliked the reading as it felt forced and the Journaling ended up being something I would be stuck ruminating on and that felt unhealthy

Affirmations and mindfulness, I guess helped but felt fake and forced

Meditation was alright when in the right headspace but generally became annoying

Exercise was probably the most positive,but my room is too small now to really do the regiment I was doing and my headspace is really messed up that I keep myself locked in a room because I rationalize no reason to leave it - which I is wrong but struggle to cognitively understand why my being refuses to just go out - probably some deep seeded traumas I have not got around to.

Self care is inconsistent

It is just a lot of going through rejection, isolation and feeling like what I say doesn't get taken seriously (in regards to when I went to the hospital - they stopped trying to diagnose and just started giving meds and I got very frustrated after 6 months of that and how they were stopped looking for the cause and decided that treating the brain chemicals was more important)

I only recently got told I most likely have neural divergent patterns because usually people do not really bother to get to know me or I am manipulated by people thinking I am too soft.

So basically I have like decades of built up issues because I don't have a means to get it out of my system, so yeah it is like a stewing pot that is always too full and bubbles over when I try to "serve" up information - it can get messy. If anything I have gotten more coherent compared to how I used to be, was told I don't need therapy, I need an exorcist before - from a normal person.

Thank you for the advice.

I do have a thing with video games and I can be very invested in shows that can make me emotional from tying a moment to a scene. I do try to get involved in groups, but unless it is small I get socially exhausted and then I have difficulty getting the motivation to get back into it.

I tried to get a something in software dev (but after getting my diploma) realised that that kind of work environment is not a good fit because I am not a great at coding and felt stronger on the information systems side but lacked confidence and the ability to "stretch the truth" to even know that I am capable because of bad interviews (my part largely ) giving me the impression that I am not qualified for the role - I have been more open to the idea of the embellishment concept, but I haven't had much luck to test it. I kind of abadoned that career path and try my hand and looking at TEFL but that is also an over-saturated market that I do not have experience in.

I sort of like books, but it is something I really need to enjoy from the start and then I can "lock in", chess I feel out of my depth in as I know it is a game that rewards large scale pattern knowledge and it is a bit too involved for me.

I find creating a role and working a self story into a character with role play elements can give enjoyment with the right type of motivation.

I also like to put restrictions on myself or play something that I am not great as but still enjoy.

So I guess I make my own motivation and that gives me the impetus to do a thing.

I create my own dopamine channels through my own player agency, although finding those type of games is down to player choice or experience

I think a nice game to explore

Might fit criteria 2 a bit but:

Outer Wilds, there is time pressure but it is always recommended to not spoil yourself and just discover the story on your own steam and allow yourself to figure things out on your own.

If it is video games

I think do not force yourself to play

Like there are games that I just take forever to be in a mood for - like I can have a certain game phase and I would watch something around it, read a bit about it.

It is like how the big companies build hype, but you build your own hype and then when you get in the mood just try to immerse yourself in a session

Don't have to finish a game, just play( within reason) until you get your fill.

Could focus on short intense session games, left 4 dead or slay the spire, so you can enjoy a session or two or if rpgs, depend on personal preferences, I like to come up with at least a theme around a character and really try to rp the role.

If you don't mind reading, games like disco elysium I found was one of those games that I had friction getting into until I stopped thinking too much about what I wanted to exactly play and just picked a role and stuck with it and it is one of those games that will show you different sides to it depending on your role play.

Whatever you do, be careful of factorio if you value your time - there is a reason it is called cracktorio because it has a way to "hack" your brain into an efficiency mindset of always looking for more to create more and you loop this gameplay mindset of "the factory must grow"

I assume you are getting help and some form of therapy if you received a diagnosis and taking tests.

I don't know if this will help and I am sure someone more qualified can correct me, but maybe you can make improvements with framing things in a different way.

Like you say you have an over-active imagination, perhaps try and frame an element of work towards a goal or make a checklist of what you need to do and reward yourself when you complete say 50% of the goals in the day and try work yourself up to 75% and then 100% of goals. Make it into something you can interact with and look at it like a game and a form of motivation.

I don't know, for me I can do things in short bursts when I try and force myself to try move forward and I think the longest streak was when I was able to "hold myself accountable" for doing a certain amount of tasks in a day.

For me, a common thing that seems to help is to do something and "reward" myself if I make progress which seems to be a generally positive reinforcement to me.

So I guess try and frame it into a reward system to make yourself feel like you achieved something instead of a burden. I do not know if that is wrong or more harmful but maybe it can help?

I mean I am coming to terms that I have a little bit of everything while I learn about myself and the closest I got to a diagnosis was an unofficial one of ADHD, Depression and Anxiety

I don't know if some of it is similar, but I can sort understand some of your experiences.

It is like the energy is focused on what is perceived as "important" and when you have time alone then there is a just a feeling of being drained and the body shuts down because of all that energy to maintain appearances.

I don't know if there is an insecurity with maintaining appearances and without thinking putting in more energy into people than they deserve, but I can understand the feeling of giving work ( when I had work) more than it deserved.

That is a me thing and maybe it is relatable.

I can't really offer any advice because I have been forced to just keep going without much quality involved working on improving and I have a lot of maladaption developed from that.

I do think the advice offered by others has merits though and hopefully you can find something that can lessen or at least help spread out the intensity of your concentration

I have only played the first chapter - old (out of 3, I believe)

Was also a very engaging game, had a very coming of age theme to it with a combat system that seemed simple but starts to show its depth once abilities get unlocked and you start to chain it.

I liked how the relationships felt more grounded and the story's build up had, for me, more intrigue and mystery than most jrpgs

Only complaint, more like criticism, is it is a nightmare for people that feel the need to complete everything or realise that the npcs have different dialogues over time and feel compelled to make sure that everything is done before moving on. That can be a positive or negative depending on player though.

Despite the criticism, it did feel good to know I deserved and worked for the ending I got, even though I found out after I missed a few things

I would say depends on your preferences

By today's standards, old 7 gameplay, graphics and story will seem dated.

I am unable to play the newer ones, but from what little I have seen it seems to "feel" better when you see and know characters from the original.

I have played and finished old ff7 and if you don't mind reading everything, some grinding unless you are going to for the secret stuff ( which is heavy grinding) it should be a "smooth" experience once you get to grips with the game systems, graphics and gameplay - and yeah, It can feel difficult in the old one to get into but I found the payoffs were engaging, had moments of emotional resonance and generally felt satisfied by the end - but that is because I allowed myself to be engaged with the game world.

That is all up to personal taste, as I know there are games that have had a stronger effect on me, but I also understand why FF 7 is rated the way it is.

Update:

So anxiety attacks suck, usually these devolve into panic attacks, but I am trying to calm down

Trying to take deep breaths, trying not to be so tense so I don't feel so rigid, calm the the heart rate, breathe....

I know this is like i am turning it into something like anaccountability journal, but I don't know a more effective way to cut off the thought spiral as writing down things seems to calm the anxiety.

At least writing it out where I cannot hide it, can allow me to confront this later at hopefully a better time.

It is ugly emotions, emotions I want to cut off out of my system, emotions that build up and fill me with disgust.

I want to throw up, it's exhausting.

Damn it, I feel pathetic

I just need to breath

Thank you for advice,

I can try

I do not think there is much physical clubs in the area where I live.

There is an online group I play games with online but the geographical distance is quite far, but I know I am bit of a trauma landmine so try maintain the acquaintance/ friend line.

Actively joining random official game groups drains my social battery very fast ( I cannot maintain my social cohesion and start to get more internally-agitated) and leaves me exhausted even if I can sort of meld in somewhat successfully.

I guess physical clubs would be better as I can get a two-in-one bonus of physical and social activity in one.

If I had the finances, I would love to join a gym or take up a martial art, but alas it is out of my current financial means

Overall, the idea is something I should try to put some more thought and effort into as it did bring me back to at least what options I have immediately and what options that could be potential.

So thank you again.

Also thank you for snap back, broke me out of the loop, feeling a bit calmer now

I don't have a dog anymore, he past away almost 10 years ago, i still only have one picture of him though

Toe? I feel out of the loop

Update:

Found Doug's Corpse

Was able to successfully put him to complete rest - was even a slacker in undeath as he was a slow shambler

I see the title - and first thing I think

"Oblivion, now with 16 times the upscalers" in Todd's voices

I know this is subjective, but I had embraced the narrative and got into the character's head as he slowly lost patience with everything

My decisions were at :

"The hanging was screw you, I am not playing by your rules"

and

at the crowd scene, things leading up to it made me just as frustrated at the characters, that I also was getting sick of things, and gunned them down because I got tired of it all and I inhibited the character - that was a point that I felt just as tired as the characters and thought everyone can die, no one here is worth the effort,

Them doing the cop outs does make the scenes weaker, I agree, - the hanging I feel was early enough before things went off the deep end, but the crowd scene, for me, was memorable because I made a mistake in the heat of emotion, when I let myself be engrossed in the role-playing as the soldiers physically, mentally and emotionally break down, it was what stuck with me especially when you reach the end and you realize how you've been played for a fool the whole time.

Would it have been better if it was tighter and they fully commited to that descent into madness, yes. Did they have to go so heavy with the messaging, not really.

The no russian mission, I felt initially shocked the first time, but once the police arrive my illusion was broken. You can just walk through the whole civilian section and do nothing and be blamed for the attack anyway - it had more impact if you were killing people but it also has initial shock value but it is all an illusion like the choices in Spec Ops.

There was a bit of a disconnect with how was it, 5 men in only body armour made a fool out of russian equivalent of swat - they were performing riot police procedure on men armed with machine guns and grenade launchers - no different than spec ops in the last stretch of the game where you are killing juggernauts and armoured vehicles, the airport guards I can understand - but the special police were funneling into killzones - and maybe that was the idea for the context for war but it was like the North Hollywood Shootout, only both sides were carrying equivalent weaponry and only one side was really using it

I know Makarov was connected with politicians and the whole thing could have been decided to be green lit as a false flag to have a pretext.

I think it forms part of bigger meta narrative, and the end of the day you still go through with the white phosphur attack as the game is forcing the choice on you to proceed as the only way to solve the problem - which is what the character believed in

Its message is,to me, "are you having fun" playing a game of murder -it forced, albeit clumsily, the reality of war when you feel you have no other option - a choice you are forced to make like pulling the trigger of a gun. You can leave the game and not do it or you pull the trigger.

You are still killing after that point soon after, with character quick to stat blaming others and you are still going on for the ride by playing- to finish the game, to get to Komrad- it comes off pretentious i admit, but the wp was acting as a turning point and was using a blunt force narrative to make you start asking questions about the character' sanity

Could it have been done better - sure, but the thing is you, the player, still went through with it and pressed the button instead of putting the game down and refusing - it is trying to sell the point of view of the player's character you are playing decided that it was the "only way" and by continuing to play the game you have accepted the condition forced upon you and continued to be complicit in the events that unfold because you wanted to see the story through.

"No Russian is shock value, but there really isn't much player consequence as it doesn't matter what you do so long as you keep up, you could even skip it"

If you wanted to avoid the nastiness of what you were doing you could in No russian, specs ops decided to comfront the player with deciding for the player to either accept the nastiness or don't and if you want to see the story to completion you better get your hands proper dirty and not half ass it.

Again, conveying that is not easy and what they did could have been conveyed better. You are seeing things from the perspective of a dude with severe ptsd and you have been murdering people up to that point on fragile pretense

I also feel very anxious if I don't constantly check around myself, always get a reality check the moment I get complacent - always the "ninja" zomboids out to assassinate me.

My solution is for my anxiety is to have that pier with the door so I can at least give myself some time to respond. It is an extra precaution once I clear the area and to make sure that one zomboid does not end me.

Off the top of my head and not at that level yet with carving( I think carving 6), but you can make short baseball bats although carving is useful for making handles and such which can be combined with other stuff to make weapons and with the foraging I have picked up skill books, fruits and vegetables, seeds and even a plushy (was an aphid plushy)

Edit:

Had a quick look at carving, can carve various bone implements that can work like stone like a bone axe head, Other than that one can carve needles, spoons, forks, tobacco pipes or jewelry, etc. Can also carve buckets, spades and various other smaller tools used in the new crafting added.

With foraging you can find a lot of random stuff besides fruits and vegetables, was very disappointed when I found a rotten donut, but I also found sacks and even washing liquid too.