Update:
Found Doug's Corpse
Was able to successfully put him to complete rest - was even a slacker in undeath as he was a slow shambler
I see the title - and first thing I think
"Oblivion, now with 16 times the upscalers" in Todd's voices
So I got too confident in my ability and while having browsers open, walking on my way to the Riverside Sanitarium for the first time.
I saw a car and a few zomboids, thinking nothing of it, proceed to engage and in the middle of a swing with a two-handed weapon, out from behind a tree, a fast shambler emerges.
Me being an idiot didn't give enough space when I engaged the zomboid to my front and had my back to a tree which ended with me taking too long to respond and got bit twice once by the one behind me and the one in front.
Was able to escape, but consigned myself to get back to base, drop everything and go out on my terms -before changing.
A very long diary entry to allow myself to grieve his loss:
spoiler
~~ Doug Walker was a freeloader and when he heard how the problems where getting worse decided to make a run out of town.
Having a passing interest in herbs, he thought it best to make it out on his own living off the land - maybe hole up in that shop he remembered out on the outskirts of town, he was not afraid of fighting, but tried to avoid if he could.
He never saw the need to keep things tidy and in containers and thought it best to keep things all within easy reach.
The quiet life saw Doug start to take an interest in fishing and animal husbandry, and saw him take care of pigs, sheep, rabbits, mice and, developed a special fondness for chickens.
His luck was great, avoiding zomboids from the trees time and again and even found many valuable items from the old world which he planned to collect at a more advantageous time.
His luck ran short however when he wanted to see how the sanitarium was holding up, he was a "visitor" of the facility in his younger years and to his mind thought it a palace in the wastes.
Little did he know that his journey would come to an end, when he stumbled too greedily into unknown dangers, as he was moving in to dispatch yet another of the shambling dead. He caught but a glimpse of something from the trees, that glimpse turned to panic as that something lunged out and before he could react, he felt a sharp pain at his side, he tried to break free but was bit again on the arm. The pain now starting to fade as adrenaline began to kick in as he tried desperately to break free from dead's grip.
He succeeded, his body now burning, knowing and remembering from those early days of the Knox event that he was running on borrowed time.
Knowing this, he decided that in his last moments he will take destiny into his own hands and will enjoy the world from a view that he could appreciate.
That he would rather go out on his own terms and not slowly succumb to the cruelty this world.
He raced back to his home, that was only a month since he moved in, and on his way back thought about how he would go about this task without suffering. His idea, expose himself to the elements and have nature's grip embrace him in its icy embrace and allows him to drift peacefully into that darkness, surrounded by what he loved.
He got home and reluctantly threw everything that he owned on the ground one last time, he thought - at length - of his life, and with the last piece of clothing removed, prepared himself for the end.
So this is it, I always thought I would go out more violently in the end, but it was a good life, even if I was alone in the end, I can at least be able to have the view of my chickens as a last pleasant thought before it all goes dark.
P.S.
To my brother, sorry I couldn't prepare the place better. If you are still alive and read the note I left in the family home, then you should be able figure out where I have been - heh, I've always been a slob, sorry I couldn't make it more homely as a parting gift. And if you ain't my brother, sod off! But you're welcome to anything you find, ain't going to be needing it no more soon.
P.P.S. As I final wish of a dying man, would you name that plump red hen : "Gertrude", always fancied the gal - always made the best eggs. ~~
End journey entry
So I drank a bottle of bleach and waited for the end in the chicken coop, the character surrounded by what brought him peace. I closed the game, but log back in to at least bury the guy, but he is either despawned or roaming around Kentucky.
Continued on that world as Doug Walker's brother and dug a grave - and filled it to at least have closure with the character - there is a side bonus with the slim chance I will be able find Doug and burying properly.
I know this is subjective, but I had embraced the narrative and got into the character's head as he slowly lost patience with everything
My decisions were at :
"The hanging was screw you, I am not playing by your rules"
and
at the crowd scene, things leading up to it made me just as frustrated at the characters, that I also was getting sick of things, and gunned them down because I got tired of it all and I inhibited the character - that was a point that I felt just as tired as the characters and thought everyone can die, no one here is worth the effort,
Them doing the cop outs does make the scenes weaker, I agree, - the hanging I feel was early enough before things went off the deep end, but the crowd scene, for me, was memorable because I made a mistake in the heat of emotion, when I let myself be engrossed in the role-playing as the soldiers physically, mentally and emotionally break down, it was what stuck with me especially when you reach the end and you realize how you've been played for a fool the whole time.
Would it have been better if it was tighter and they fully commited to that descent into madness, yes. Did they have to go so heavy with the messaging, not really.
The no russian mission, I felt initially shocked the first time, but once the police arrive my illusion was broken. You can just walk through the whole civilian section and do nothing and be blamed for the attack anyway - it had more impact if you were killing people but it also has initial shock value but it is all an illusion like the choices in Spec Ops.
There was a bit of a disconnect with how was it, 5 men in only body armour made a fool out of russian equivalent of swat - they were performing riot police procedure on men armed with machine guns and grenade launchers - no different than spec ops in the last stretch of the game where you are killing juggernauts and armoured vehicles, the airport guards I can understand - but the special police were funneling into killzones - and maybe that was the idea for the context for war but it was like the North Hollywood Shootout, only both sides were carrying equivalent weaponry and only one side was really using it
I know Makarov was connected with politicians and the whole thing could have been decided to be green lit as a false flag to have a pretext.
I think it forms part of bigger meta narrative, and the end of the day you still go through with the white phosphur attack as the game is forcing the choice on you to proceed as the only way to solve the problem - which is what the character believed in
Its message is,to me, "are you having fun" playing a game of murder -it forced, albeit clumsily, the reality of war when you feel you have no other option - a choice you are forced to make like pulling the trigger of a gun. You can leave the game and not do it or you pull the trigger.
You are still killing after that point soon after, with character quick to stat blaming others and you are still going on for the ride by playing- to finish the game, to get to Komrad- it comes off pretentious i admit, but the wp was acting as a turning point and was using a blunt force narrative to make you start asking questions about the character' sanity
Could it have been done better - sure, but the thing is you, the player, still went through with it and pressed the button instead of putting the game down and refusing - it is trying to sell the point of view of the player's character you are playing decided that it was the "only way" and by continuing to play the game you have accepted the condition forced upon you and continued to be complicit in the events that unfold because you wanted to see the story through.
"No Russian is shock value, but there really isn't much player consequence as it doesn't matter what you do so long as you keep up, you could even skip it"
If you wanted to avoid the nastiness of what you were doing you could in No russian, specs ops decided to comfront the player with deciding for the player to either accept the nastiness or don't and if you want to see the story to completion you better get your hands proper dirty and not half ass it.
Again, conveying that is not easy and what they did could have been conveyed better. You are seeing things from the perspective of a dude with severe ptsd and you have been murdering people up to that point on fragile pretense
spoiler
Especially since the whole point was to scout for survivors and head back - and that turned into a quest for Konrad that destroys whats left of Dubai on the orders of a broken man
I also feel very anxious if I don't constantly check around myself, always get a reality check the moment I get complacent - always the "ninja" zomboids out to assassinate me.
My solution is for my anxiety is to have that pier with the door so I can at least give myself some time to respond. It is an extra precaution once I clear the area and to make sure that one zomboid does not end me.
Off the top of my head and not at that level yet with carving( I think carving 6), but you can make short baseball bats although carving is useful for making handles and such which can be combined with other stuff to make weapons and with the foraging I have picked up skill books, fruits and vegetables, seeds and even a plushy (was an aphid plushy)
Edit:
Had a quick look at carving, can carve various bone implements that can work like stone like a bone axe head, Other than that one can carve needles, spoons, forks, tobacco pipes or jewelry, etc. Can also carve buckets, spades and various other smaller tools used in the new crafting added.
With foraging you can find a lot of random stuff besides fruits and vegetables, was very disappointed when I found a rotten donut, but I also found sacks and even washing liquid too.
I enjoy it, cannot use spears anymore but with carving and some foraging you can make a fishing rod (and a nail), I think you can also use nets but haven't worked with it yet.
It is relaxing, looking for water ripples to cast a line and spend some down time waiting for lunch to bite. Something I learnt about fishing is always try to keep your line in the black for as long as possible and that the bigger fish put up a fight.
One can more easily catch big fish though - biggest I caught was like 260 hunger at 34.32 encumbrance and that was a medium fish. I personally like to build a safety platform (like a pier) with a door as a extra precaution as I have in past lives been killed by a sneaky zomboid when I am not paying attention in more dangerous areas - especially when you are reeling in a fighter, so it is something like a habit I have formed.
Playing on vanilla apocalypse and chose to live off the land and away from most of the Kentucky Apocalypse on the outskirts of Riverside for a chill run with the excitement of danger.
Have been surviving so far off of fishing and foraging, winter is around the corner (might need to work on trapping as well).
Spent a lot of time trying to stabilise my weight (started to worry when I hit the 60s) until my fishing skill got to a point where I could figure out a routine for it.
Still undecided about where to develop a more central base to create an animal farm as I have found sheep, chickens and pigs. The building I am squatting in, is little more than a dumping ground as I work slowly towards self-sufficiency.
Life is more a struggle to survive normally with the added danger of zomboids, but its overall its pretty quiet life with the daily patrols broken up with the occasional background gunshots or blood-curdling screams of anguish.
I think this is where the nuance is and where the things can go off the rails. Your example is that you want to more easily be connected with people that you enjoy engaging with but find it hard to find - which you did attempt to find a work around for, which I do commend.
I think because of the volume of scale of the internet it has been fine-tuned and engineered towards benefiting the major players more as they have taken convenience features and frankenstein'd it into a tool of "increased engagement".
It is like a market square and everyone is shouting out their wares at the same time and the major players (and others) have done their research on how to be the "loudest and most attention-grabbing hawker at the square"
Here the algorithm approach is useful to help "silence the sea of voices" and find "hawkers" that sell "products" that are of interest to you. It does require some discipline on the users part to curate their "hawkers", but overall the experience is improved as one deals with "products" that is aligned with one's interests.
I feel, in general, however that the intent has been twisted into something that has become a slippery slope that slides down towards "how can I get eyes on my thing and keep people coming back" for as long as possible. One's attention gets bombarded with as many ideas as possible and, from this, one's scope starts to bloat and becomes muddy as one processes too many different ideas and viewpoints in a short time frame and as a result one spends less time forming a individual opinion. I believe this does contribute to shorter attention spans as we attempt to "offload" our thinking onto something else as we try to make sense of all the information we take in.
The easiest thing I can think of is TikTok and how quickly the short video format was incorporated into the big platforms.
It is a human shortcoming I feel that gets taken advantage of (and I feel like it is being cultivated) and as humans we do have a side to us that tries to optimise the shit out of a things - often to our detriment.
I was served the channel by the algorithm and was concerned with the length so I attempted to share in a neutral manner unsure on reception.
I found it interesting and wanted to share the opinion
Yeah, there is a lot of evolving information, yet for now one can still have some measure of control over the content one can engage with
Yes, that is a good idea around what I am thinking in regards to the "magic addictive formula"
They have a system in play that optimises the play experience in a way that is rewarding to "addictive habits" and attempts to "encourage" a habit that leans towards an addiction.
An almost 38 minute video about one man's opinion about how the curated algorithmic experiences on the modern Internet have an effect on people and how it has shaped how it is being used.
Edit: Name of channel is Technology Connections
Thank you, it seems the scope of the thought was a lot more open-ended than I imagined.
Was thinking in the line of the how the big game companies seem to try to hook people onto their game experiences and when one hits it big, how they attempt to moderate that experience around trying to keep it at a level that is akin to selling cigarettes.
It is like they are trying to find that "magic addictive formula" and try to be the sole provider of that experience to keep a person coming back to them.
That sounds depressing, it is like they commoditised cheat codes. Sad to see it fall into the trappings that the game makes fun of. I can almost imagine what the GTA 6 version might become if they decide to intergrate that level of "hooks" into its shiny game environment.
I think that was the 2K launcher, if I recall, I remember they were doing something with their games (was playing XCOM 2 at the time) and promptly made use of a workaround
Didn't like the extra steps just to get into a game - like they were reminding you that you only pay for the license to play the game and the property is theirs to do with as they please. I mean, it is, but still doesn't help feeling like I am being constantly reminded.
That is probably one of the more famous examples, yeah. They pivoted resources from the single player experience once they saw how much money they were making with their shark cards (I believe it was called). Developed an ecosystem that encouraged spending money to enjoy the game (but not forced) and I guess it was an equivalent experience of getting players to "micro-dose" with a payment to bypass elements of grind to get the best stuff and have an overall smoother experience.
Yeah, they are more apt comparisons where the target market is built upon consistent small (or large) payments that are in a business' best interests - like in-game currencies (chips in gambling sense) are used to obfuscate the value of what a player is spending money on (which falls into one of the many psychological tricks you mentioned)
Streaming platforms and movies are similar - yes but for them it is a one time recurring cost for the service or in a movie's case it is a pay per experience.
With game pass, for example, you can play games like streaming, but it won't be the full experience for some games (i.e the dlc and additional content) - and to be fair, it does usually come at a discount but there in lies additional costs per experience
It is like the equivalent of paying for a streaming service and then it asks and double dips, saying "hey, we see you really liked that show - want to pay us 5 more bucks to enjoy more of it" or a movie and where they ask you to spend more to see the extra deleted scenes
Games are in an area where one can both pay per experience and pay for the service and it is understandable in some cases why that can be - however there are games now that are intended for pay for experience (single player for example) that have additional costs attached to them to draw more "easy" money (this can be the case of developing something worse on purpose to offer a simpler way out of it) or you have games that are nearly the same every year (with them chopping and changing features to make it seem "fresh and new") and then leverage on a FOMO (mobile games are far worse in this regard) to "encourage" one to spend more on the original purchase.
The effort to manipulate and try to make more with less, feels more erroneous in the gaming sphere
They are trying to get people to become "addicted" to an experience and they wish to target either those that can afford it (and for them - power to them) and/or those that cannot but are unable to control their desire for more (worst case scenario - they hook a proverbial "junkie")
I will be say I wasn't thinking too hard into it but, (and not direct response more how a lot of the bad elements feel like they are being pushed)
- Was thinking how the idea of games-as-a-service and subscriptions are considered a priority
- how samey a lot of AAA games seems to feel (like it is consoldated on a "formula")
- a desire to manipulate towards the idea to spend more on the original product
- supply enough of a product to get a player invested and once hooked - try to maintain that investment over a period of time
- the product is seldom as good as advertised
- the quality of the product, in general, feels like it is being degraded in an effort to more easily manipulate
- games are seen as something as means to an end - and in that vein, it is targeted to be able to draw in people according to metrics and less a expression of creativity
By and large - yes, the idea can be applied to capitalism and I think the idea I was thinking of is that AAA games lean into the more exploitative area of it.
Doesn't mean it is the only one or even the worst, but I was thinking in the headspace at how the "big games companies" are trying to lean into being more manipulative (directly or subversively) and how it feels more like "drug dealers" trying to sell their brand of high, trying to dictate how to enjoy those highs, they try to lock players into a "brand" of gaming and once they can "control" what people will enjoy, attempt to exploit value from it.
That is true, it did popularise the drive towards extracting large amounts of value for comparatively little effort
Meanwhile Microsoft doing back-room deals to corner more of the market
- they want repeat players (users)
- they repeat a formula that sells
- when it doesn't, they look to "adjust" it with something new and preferably cheap
- they give free samples to spread word of mouth
- they try to lock people into their environment
- they always want people to chase the next high
- looking for ways to keep you hooked on something for as long as possible
- they try to use their formula in all their products
Character is only level 3 in cooking, 2 in fishing and 8 in foraging and with a nice cut of fish and some mushroom harvesting, one can eat well.
The pot's condition is like that as it was something I picked up through foraging.
Even though it wasn't in the best of shape, looks in good enough shape to at least do a stair remodeling.
Build 42 Unstable is now available to play! Important We’re aware people have built up a lot of anticipation for the first unstable release, and have done our best to make it an enjoyable experience out the gate. But as those who were present for the first b41 unstable release will attest, it’s in u...
Seems B42 unstable is out!
Although it is only for single player for now, looking forward to see the new stuff - even if it might have jank
Probably building hype creating this, but best case scenario, build .42 unstable public release looking to drop around Christmas and in the worst case early next year
https://projectzomboid.com/blog/news/2024/11/whatz-next/
So had a day where I saw I had Iridium luck and decided to pay for the ticket at 09:00 sharp. Ends up, the farmer hopped on board and decided to drive themselves to the desert
https://projectzomboid.com/blog/news/2024/10/hallodoid/
Seems that .42 has started closed external testers so that is good news
The new lighting seems oppressive and looks like night raids are probably going to require flashlights to avoid danger.
Nice seeing some basement gameplay - first thought was looking like 3rd person Rsident Evil( from the sanatorium video) and the distribution getting tweeks and wonder how they are going to tighten up the combat
Besides all the other stuff, I am really liking the reading materials and how its being implemented.
Tldr
Warlock and the Lost meet up on Avenger defense mission, and my brain froze like my PC when a Gatekeeper enacted a mass resurrection of a large collection of fallen Lost and for my sanity required me to redirect every available resource to the Gatekeeper to not lose the campaign by virtue of locking myself out of the game if the enemy Gatekeeper survived.
Ended the mission with, if I recall correctly, 355 kills of which most of them where caused by the Gatekeeper who effectively doubled the body count
More detailed account:
spoiler
On a Ironman Commander difficulty chill run, decided to take my time with the Chosen and deal with them as a pre-final mission victory lap.
So leave them to their devices and deal with the Avenger defenses as they come.
This ideal changed very quickly once I was accosted by the Warlock with "The Lost" Dark Event.
So I take it slow as every 2 turns I have to deal with the 4 exploding ghosts the Warlock likes to pop into battle. This forced me into a defensive position and had my Reaper scout and move towards the cannon while snipers pick off what I could in between down time.
Of course, I could not always get the ghosts so they explode and draw in Lost.
So I end up digging in around the Avenger with the rest of the team setting up a "Kill Zone" in a nice convenient pass.
By the time I gain control of the situation and start working towards finishing up the mission, I am sitting with the pass with a graveyard of probably about 100 Lost corpses lying about.
I move the rest of the team forward, taking enemy forces as I advance and on enemy turn, a Gatekeeper, spotted earlier but not finished as I had assigned it a "lesser threat" moved into range towards the Lost graveyard. Needless to say, I could not finish it with what little overwatch I had in place and it did its psionic wizardry.
Game hangs for quite a while and eventually comes to as it is now in control of an army of Lost. My turn has a new objective now that forces me to ignore everything else to kill that Gatekeeper as I cannot handle the thought of having 100+ enemies take their turn if I fail.
Fortunately I was able to kill it with every explosive and ability I had on hand and experienced an equally cathartic release of emotion as my PC was catching up to the sound of the hordes dying out in the ensuing psionic backlash.
Needless to say, I was able to complete the mission with 355 kills to the mission - which the game counts revived enemy zombies as a "kill" if they go down
Slapped together images (Doom Eternal, a Waaagh image, some Orkish icon and a picture someone created of Tuska) in celebration of ORKtober.
Tuska the Daemon-Killa
spoiler
Is an Ork Warboss who, aided by many weirdboyz, managed to bypass the defenses around Cadia and led his Waaagh! in an invasion of the Eye of Terror, in search of Daemons to fight.
Tuska made his mark in the Eye of Terror, by defeating the Daemon hordes on several Daemon Worlds, and seemed unstoppable until his Waaagh! crash-landed on a flesh planet. The planet belonged to a mighty Daemon Prince of Khorne known as the Blood Prince, who soon led his Daemonic hordes against the invading Orks. In the battle that followed, Tuska suffered many deep wounds and his Boyz took heavy losses.
Just as the Blood Prince was about to finish Tuska, his Weirdboyz managed to distract the Daemon using their psychic powers, giving Tuska enough time to impale the creature between its legs with his Power Klaw before being killed himself. The Warboss’ vast horde was later eventually slain to an Ork by the wrathful Daemon Prince and his minions.
However, the story did not end there for Tuska. Khorne had such joy in watching the murderous spectacle, that he ensured that Tuska's Waaagh! rose once more the very next dawn. Now, the Orks repeat the fight over and over again, for the Blood God was so impressed by their limitless battlelust that he took the Orks into his own domain. In the shadow of the Brass Citadel, his elite Bloodletter generals battle against Daemon-Killa’s undying horde on a daily basis. This suits the Warboss just fine: he has finally found a good fight that never ends.
https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Tuska
Tuska Image credit:
Reddit User: smashed_head
https://www.reddit.com/r/orks/comments/neoq0s/tuska_the_daemonkilla_drawn_by_me/
Writing this to see what moments that have happened in game that has one step back and appreciate the systems at play.
I just recalled a moment where I had setup in the farmhouse north east of maldraugh and the helicopter event happened, so I hurried upstairs and waited for it to end.
When it did, decided to take a nap as I heard the downstairs windows being broken as wanted to prepare for the worst case of making an emergency exit.
So character wakes up in the middle of the night and it is a thunderstorm, so think screw it, going to take a chance and clear my "front yard".
I climb out the second story window, onto the veranda decking, and jump down into probably about 20 zomboids mulling about in all directions - which the lightning surpised me when it struck, showing me more than I was expecting.
So in the middle of the night amongst the separated group I went about sneaking and trying to take them out one at a time, with the screen having moments being fully lit up from the lightning threatening my position and the possibility being compromised and they all converge.
So there was my survivor shanking zomboids in the middle of night alongside the thunderstorm, as bodies kept falling and eventually peace of mind as the numbers thinned out enough to not be a problem if the weather worked against me.
Was quite a sight the next morning as the fields in front of the house were spread out with corpses and the resultant blood spray across it where I had to resort to blunt force to solve a problem.
Just found the ambiance of the sound of the thunderstorm, the little "stealth" mini-game of removing the threat with the thought of the lightning giving my position as well as seeing the carnage in the daylight was a great use of the weather system and how the game makes its own narrative.
So I tried to take steps to try improve myself and I have been able to sort of come up with something where I do daily tasks and over the weekend take it easy.
Basically, light meditation, some positive words to myself, exercise, journalling, consistent self-care and reading
I have made it to 7 days so far with me being able to complete the tasks I have been setting for myself.
However as a concequence of journalling out stuff, I have been confronted with an area of my life that I have not let vent out properly. It's its own monster of sorts that feels like it is consuming my thoughts as I relive and try come to terms with past events that leave me with realising how deep the regret and anger I have kept underwraps.
How that part of my life had some effect in disrupting my academic prospects as I let it thrown me off enough that I ended up dropping out in frustration of falling behind and also how I listened to someone ask that I do not do something I wanted to do, but out of respect to them I ended up regretting not doing it.
It is has the disruptive flow to things as it boils off and simmers as something I am having difficulty trying to come to terms with
Before I get too off track and devolving into that, I'll refocus towards what I wish to ask.
Is there resources or a social group where one can join that can act like an accountability group of sorts as I fear that what I am doing now will eventually hit a wall where I fall off and linger into bad habits again.
I know I have been driven to do the tasks on a day-to-day basis, but I already have days where it is hard to do it and I sort of just get through things out of a stubborness to tick off a box with a clean conscious, but I fear that I can only do so much on my own steam with the concern that I might need someone to help "revive the battery" if it runs low
I cannot rely on anyone that I know and I get people have their own lives but the I have tried reaching out to people that I trust and I only had one help, but they are an unreliable source of help( not in a bad way) as they can only really listen when they have time for it as they live in a different timezone and they keep a busy life schedule so asking for help is not something is readily available.
The other people I have tried have yet to really show in interest in communicating.
As I mentioned in a previous post, the person who was trying to help me and coincidentally also put the framework in place for the idea for the routine has also recently cut me off as well so I cannot look towards them for assistance either.
Mentioning that as I feel alone in this and have concern that I will relapse if I try to work on my "strength" alone
- So something I have never really used in Zomboid is guns, always collect it and the closest I have used them is unloading and loading during a storm.
I acknowledge guns are powerful, but I rarely see the need to use them when I can peel off stagglers and work my way towards a building without drawing unnecessary attention.
-
I have been bitten enough times to second story and blind corner zomboid campers, but I wish to one day visit a multi-floored building like the hospital
-
Make a cake, the ingredients that are required to make one are usually rotten once I have established myself
-
Deciding to use the starter home as one's home base and secure it
-
Building a home from scratch, which is a long term commitment and requires plenty of resources, but something about it carries a certain charm
-
Actually find a note home as I usually read it and stash it, while forgetting about or being unwilling to commit to a long multi-day journey unless I have made contingencies along the way
Curse you, Bark Anthony! https://lemmy.world/post/20225360
Compelled me to contribute
Image source: https://kr.pinterest.com/pin/464363411556861530/
Image author: https://kr.pinterest.com/kelseybbb/
It can be whatever, but has anyone ever experienced a moment or moments that has happened to them that defies one's expectations so wildly that they cannot reasonably define it beyond stupid dumb luck?
I still play this scenario out in my mind years later as I am still somewhat in disbelief that it actually happened and I walked away without any injuries.
I like to joke, saying my guardian angel tripped me at the perfect time.
Scenario describing my event in question:
spoiler
I noticed two suspicious individuals and as I past them they started to walk towards me. My response was to shout and make a scene while trying to make distance crossing the road without concern for traffic - road was quiet, early in the morning on a holiday as I was on my way to work.
The suspicious individuals responded by rushing towards me as one produced a knife and prepared it in lunging stance like someone preparing to slam a knife into a board.
I knew I couldn't outrun them, no self-defense training, the best I could come up was extend my left hand out to minimise the target area of my vital organs. I was preparing for the worst and I guess fight or flight was preparing for a last stand fight.
What happened next is that I tripped on the pavement in the middle of the road at the exact same time the guy with the knife lunged.
He went flying over me - in an arc - from the momentum of the lunge with everything of his flying everywhere including his knife, his accomplice rushed into my periphery.
I landed in probably the worst scenario lying on my back, but I tried to keep the attackers in view. I don't know why but the guy - who disarmed himself from the fall - panicked and picked up all his stuff and started running with his accomplice in tow.
On one hand I sort of dislike doing this because it's a reminder of my failings, but on the other hand I am not sure what do either
A major pillar of support has decided to cut ties with me and it not something I can hold it against them as they have their own lives and when I recently decided to share my troubles it became too hard to deal with on account that they couldn't help me and fear that they are only making things worse.
My latest round of issues has been identifying with the long standing issue of loneliness. It is something that I have sat on and thought about recently as a root of a lot of my issues. I am isolated with feelings I am sure go back as far as childhood. I don't know how to maintain friendships, I have developed unhealthy habits that suppress who I am and overwhelm people with all the stored up misery when they get close.
It scares people away and because of it I have to force myself to suppress the person I am, which has and continues to lead to a feedback loop which further perpetuates the cycle.
I feel I only have one long standing bond left and even then I am careful to control what I say and do and avoid contact in an attempt to perserve it.
I used to be able to communicate with some people who I shared a common interest with over discord but cannot do it now as the hand me down pc I received after my old pc broke has trouble with real-time communication as the audio is heavily distorted and delayed
I feel alone, isolated, helpless, worthless.... insert self depreciating adjective.... and I stuck in this really bad mindset that has me feeling trapped, literally and figuratively
I cannot afford professional help and when I tried in the past to get help through the local clinic I became disenfrachised by the treatment I received as it felt that I was a "functional" case that drug use was enough to treat (mentioned conditions Anxiety, Depression and ADHD with an an off-hand remark of possible Aspergers, but never received an official prognosis, much less a diagnosis) - with them not really giving me any answers or support - other local lines were just as useless as they are both made me aware of how overworked they are and provide far too general advice to issues which results in me reserving myself and not addressing problems knowing that they aren't really listening.
It feels like because I am not a stark raving lunatic that it not considered that my mental health is at a point of concern.
It is always text book do this or do that and do not take into account the mental barriers I have developed as coping method, which is not so much coping as much as trying to keep up appearances.
An example, which I am not even sure if it even makes sense is : if I do not have a immediate reason to, I do not go outside.... an immediate reason primarily doing something for someone else's sake... which leads to me not going outside much at all, I cannot mentally motivate myself a reason to do something for myself.
Other advice I have been told tell me to be to selflessly kind and to show love and it will be returned, but my experiences trying have only led twisted failures as it brings back memories of opening myself to others and having it being taken advantage of and leaving me more bitter as a result. I believe my younger self attempted to embrace those values too readily and the real world was eager to correct the nail sticking out.
Which I believe has lead to a desparate desire to form bonds, as a form of self-correction from the attempt to avoid connections from the perceived pain it brought and in doing so fall victim to unscrupulous individuals that take advantage of it for their own benefit and even when I found people who not intentionally malicious, something still happens that ends up causing pain.
It is like have developemed a twisted moral code around what I assumed people want from someone to have - honesty, loyalty, integrity - and the values being destroyed as one is confronted with a world running on hypocrisy run by the status quo and then questioning why people are like they way they are as the perceived most sucessful make use of deception and selfishness to make use of people for their own self interest without consideration for another. Throwing others away the moment they get what they want.
It hurts to put trust in others and then being hurt, especially when they take pride in their self-indulgence whether they intentionally do it or not
I think the person who decided to cut ties came to the conclusion that I was, To quote from the video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5L1sJ99jklc at around the 6 minute mark, :
"being so desparate to change yourself, but being unable to communicate those feelings. It can make you latch onto people in an unhealthy way, unfairly placing the burden of change on them when they can't help you in the way you want"
was something they probably thought they needed to do. That and mentioned that they feel like they are walking on eggshells and that I was scaring them - not in a physical violence sense but more in they are concerned of me "losing" it and them being caught in the crossfire.
I do feel there is more to write, but I feel I need to try and contain the "Pandora's Box" from opening full tilt everytime I write ... so I guess I am just shouting into the void as I feel emotionally mixed ( ranging between numbness and anger) from losing yet another person from feeling overwhelmed in loneliness and expressing myself to another who has context to what I feel, but ended up relying on them too much
A video from 7 years ago by CGP Grey that talks about how democracy and dictatorships run and I find it an interesting look at the general politics and how it effects how a country is run when compared to today's landscape
A story I love sharing from an older version of the game and unfortunately the only one that I kept track of as I was left stunned at the result.
A forgotten beast Cyclops decided to pay my dwarven city a visit, so I sound the call to seal the city as I let the hunters act as a vanguard to get my dwarves inside. Unfortunately, the cyclops makes quick work of them and I only just started getting my military in order after getting my iron production started.
So here I quickly assign one of the early recruits to the role of Captain of the Guard, in the role of delaying the foul beast while I scramble to get a militia going to drive it off.
Little did I expect for this single dwarf to not only stand up to the cyclops in single combat but brutally kill it too.
I know cylcops are fairly low on the danger scale, but still to watch and read the logs as this greenbeard dwarf digs into a forgotten beast like I am reading a God of War fanfic was glorious.
