Tldr:
Having too many cultures that have not established a "market share" in politics makes the, people who run a country, job harder as it has to contend with dealing with the potential of new cultures forming and the inevitable culture clashes that follow as differing values and ideals will demand different things.
It fractures and dilutes points of control which encourages politics to try ensure loyalty though aligning itself with views of the majority.
End tldr
Unironically, Stellaris is probably a decent example of the thought experiment played out. Unless a species is built with ideals of the intergration and/or has its proper foundation set then it can quickly spiral out of hand as you have to deal with " a hunded voices asking for one thing".
It is far easier to control and secure a foundational majority based off of one species as it can be more easily guided towards an established outcome.
Adding too many "outsiders" has the potential to cause an imbalance and a shift in thinking which then requires a new paradigm to "herd the sheep" as it were, while still trying to maintain a standard that the base species has become accustomed to.
If it not carefully controlled, it can potentially lead to a fracturing of opinion and thoughts which is a lot harder to manage and "guide" as one runs the risk of isolating one group and in doing so opening up the potential cascade of problems if the ignored minorities builds up steam which then forces leaders to contend with trying to figure out a way to maintain control over the many species bases while still doing it in a way that causes the least amount of disruption to their control.
To be fair, the farmer should also be given some credit for taking a hit and evading others to provide distraction for the Captain to get stuck in.
Cyclop's poor judgement to not focus of the greater threat to its demise
It was quite a while ago and I currently have too old a pc to get back in
Had to do some reading and it was the Meph's Tileset, but was discontinued on account of profiting off the use of assets without creditation.
https://archive.org/details/dwarf-fortress-47.05-meph-tileset-v-5.5
Seems like a link to the archive of the tileset although I am not too sure how to apply it as recall just utilizing the Lazy Newb Pack settings at the time.
A story I love sharing from an older version of the game and unfortunately the only one that I kept track of as I was left stunned at the result.
A forgotten beast Cyclops decided to pay my dwarven city a visit, so I sound the call to seal the city as I let the hunters act as a vanguard to get my dwarves inside. Unfortunately, the cyclops makes quick work of them and I only just started getting my military in order after getting my iron production started.
So here I quickly assign one of the early recruits to the role of Captain of the Guard, in the role of delaying the foul beast while I scramble to get a militia going to drive it off.
Little did I expect for this single dwarf to not only stand up to the cyclops in single combat but brutally kill it too.
I know cylcops are fairly low on the danger scale, but still to watch and read the logs as this greenbeard dwarf digs into a forgotten beast like I am reading a God of War fanfic was glorious.
Noita, a precedurally-generated fully destructible, with physics, pixel-graphics action rogue-like game where you play as a mage going through the various layers of a dungeon with the use of your spells that one can spell mix and match with a wand system that can provide the player with interesting and wacky spell combinations.
CDDA, takes awhile to get comfortable with the controls, but it does scratch a certain itch once one can get setup and start to test one's luck in search of the good stuff.
One has to make their own objectives for it though otherwise one can sort of just get to a point and not know what to do. But getting to a point where you can just walk into a city and be the most dangerous thing there does have a certain charm to it considering the journey getting there. It certainly rewards exploring though as one can find all sorts of craziness hidden away waiting to be found.
I know it is cliche to say but it took me the longest time to really knuckle down and play it, but boy once I did - I basically started up another playthrough right after to see what I missed and the shift in perspective when I played a different type of character was interesting to say the least.
So started as a skeptical intellectual who had to pull themselves from a sorry cop to a regular cop and approached things logically with a touch of eccentricity and pangs of regret and then compared to a wishy-washy communist with fascist leanings (which characters called the character out on) psychic superstar cop with an alias he truly believed was his name and I enjoyed and saw a completely different side of the game which was unexpected.
I can fold my ears twice - so from the top of my ear I fold it towards the bottom of my ear and at the point where it folds I can fold it again across over the first fold.
First thing that came to mind and I see others are here are of the same mind with platinum trauma response.
spoiler
So leaves me to wonder how far are we from the cyberware then?
It would be glorious but that level of attention to the art of "dancing" is a dying breed in games, personally a fan of the "one-stop drop shot" and the "fire man shuffle"
I will also say, the original Fallouts are games of its time. It sold itself off its narrative and as I am playing Fallout 2, it is still enjoyable but I do concede there are moments of frustration that one learns to work around.
It is not a perfect game, but it is a game that was written in a plausible manner that could be considered too real look at human nature at times and in the same breath going off the rails crazy with something out of pocket that can catch one off guard.
It does a great job of allowing one to make it their story, although some of the writing might not gel with everyone it at least framed it well in setting.
It think it gels well with people that can roleplay in a setting as even the combat logs have humour to it. It requires a lot of reading and the people in the videos look like clay dolls but it is bound to envoke something in someone if they are enjoying themselves playing these types of games.
The turn-based nature of the combat can turn people off, but I cannot deny the charm of running up to someone and giving them a concussion by wolloping their head and then going in to gouge their eyes to make them useless in combat and finishing them off with a shot to the groin.
You would have hated the original Stardew Valley Gramp Pa, would give you a stern talking too and declare his immeasurable disappointment (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
I can somewhat understand though, I like the timer aspect even if I do not like the feeling of being "rushed". But I understand, you would hate pathfinder:kingmaker though
I can see them doing a better job of it yes, they are probably the closest to understand the how the older Fallout works and already have experience making games like it too in a more modern setting
I really would not like Bethesda level writing and character gating to muddy the classics. I seriously doubt it will do the old series justice with the level of inappropriate content.
Easiest examples being the thieving children in Fallout 2, it allowed you "solve" that problem if you didn't have patience and got a negative quirk in the process.
A low intelligence run was almost a completely new experience with a different level of interaction that was tongue-in-cheek look at someone who really struggles with "standard" game narrative.
That not to mention how much of a mess it will be for bethesda to code for a player plus up to 5 party members per encounter ( making Charisma not a "dump" stat). I strongly doubt they can pull it off if it as a company is still struggling to make the player character plus 1 work smoothly.
I also feel that the old fallout's sense of humour might not fly with today's sensibilities specifically the level of objectification, a female character can use to their advantage or the level of "male power fantasy" with specific perks and SPECIAL loadout - which I am sure is something Bethesda will try to avoid as they seem to push for a more gamified systems.
And I really do not think they will be willing to make The Brotherhood play a minor role as they are like a "minor" faction that tries to avoid too much attention in setting in their mission to preserve the old tech from repeating the mistakes of the past
I strongly doubt Todd and his team are the right people to devote resources to truly capture the dark world of old fallout into a faithful reproduction. I think it would be toned down and would most likely follow a bethesda vision for the series.
Maybe I am being overly negative, but I feel even if they maybe revamped it with some prettier graphics and modern system sensibilities, it might still lose some of its soul in the process. I am willing to be proven wrong though
A blog space where I share my personal opinions and views when it comes to video games. I write about games old and new in a means to express myself.
Just finished uploading the last of my reviews on Firaxis' take on XCOM. In the link, is the page of the 5 games reviewed.
Hope whoever reads it - enjoys
Yip, he had a fine time at the surface dweller pub and enjoyed the performances
Copy of the combat log
I promoted a dwarf to militia commander - never been in combat, as I was working on creating a militia once I had weapon and armour production underway.
Then a forgotten beast Cyclops decides to visit my fortress, he makes quick work of my dwarven hunters and in an attempt to get my dwarves inside the fortress I send out the newly promoted militia captain out to delay it while I get ready to seal the fortress up
I wasn't expecting much from the essentially green dwarf, but somehow he invoked the spirit of Amorak and proceeded to engage it in a one-on-one duel.
It was only after I was ready to seal the fortress did I look around to see if he had died, instead I was greeted by a sight that took me by surprise, this lone militia captain was holding their own against the cyclops with his iron short sword. I look at the logs and see this monster of a dwarf is not only fighting without injury but is tearing away at the cyclops, getting his sword lodged multiple times into the beast while deftly avoiding any counter blows.
It was a one sided slaughter reading two pages of combat logs, one of which was the dwarf wailing away at the cyclops who had collapse from pain shock.
Made me think I was reading some dwarf Kratos fan-fiction, needless to say the fortress was in good fortunes once the butchers got around to carving up the remains of the cyclops.
*edit seems it was the Captain of the Guard who was the hero not the militia captain
I just finished watching it and for the most part they got a lot of the tone down and it is well done overall. I liked how they showed Vault-Tec and what they stood for, the general world building, vault stuff. But I have these niggling inklings that bother me with the location of where the show takes place.
It is enjoyable to me it is a solid 7 - 8 out of 10, but had some things that felt off to me and rubbed me the wrong way because I am trying to fit into the narrative I have for my intepretation of the Fallout game timeline. Not saying it is a bad show, just things that subjectively felt off to me.
Going to spoiler tag these things as it has Fallout 1, Fallout 2, New Vegas and the show possible spoilers
spoiler
Again, maybe it is my nostalagia goggles here, so please take what I write with a grain of salt
NCR, The Enclave and The Brotherhood of Steel
NCR
In Fallout 2, Shady Sands is the capital of NCR and that place was well defended - walls, armed guards roaming the streets and fairly civilised if I can recall correctly - I look at the runes of Shady Sands in the show and feels like a mix of the Fallout 1 and Fallout 2. By New Vegas they seemed to have "settled" California considering the fact that cattle barons are running rough shod, political corruption is in full swing and NCR is on the search for more resources and have probably integrated the various towns and city's of the waste into itself places like New Reno, Vault City, San Franscisco, etc...
They were at war with the Brotherhood at one point and were able to beat them back and integrate some of the tech they requistioned, they had supply lines and it was an established Republic.
The fact that Shady Sands was nuked and they just left it to waste makes sense somewhat - some decrepencies notwithstanding, but how badly developed California appears, doesn't sit completely right with me, I mean the Fiends from New Vegas have spread there and this is from the same NCR that nearly eradicated the Khans - who where the big drug raiders of California.
NCR in the show seem no better than Bandits at worse or could be considered moderately equipped conscripts at best from how they are organised in relation to the potential for power they were pursuing. They had divisions of very well equipped and trained soldiers armed with good gear especially considering the tech they were able to recover from the Brotherhood when they finally decided to make a push for Hoover Dam in New Vegas
The Enclave
The Enclave was pretty much hunted down and villianised on the East Coast after the events of Fallout 2, The Brotherhood had interest seeing them fall and the NCR continued with that desire to put them under heel. One can maybe make an argument that the NCR have repurposed the Enclave, but they are still known as "The Enclave" and have above ground bases, it does bother me somewhat.
The Brotherhood
The Brotherhood tech feels off to me, maybe I am just nostalgic for the old East Coast Brotherhood that were very hands-off and did their work through trusted proxies. They were a tech-obessed warrior cult based of the branch of the military that tried their best to minimise outsiders knowing of their existence and the existence of technology. It feels off with them Vertibird dropping in broad day light, reliance of mechanical weaponry for knights, feeling indifferent to tech in general and showcasing their tech for all to see.
I mean they kind of address it in showing how the Brotherhood has lost their way, still feels weird for them to be so grandiose which runs a bit in opposition to traditional Brotherhood recruiting of accepting outsiders, which probably must mean they were really down on their luck at some point as I doubt all those recruits were able to perform an exemplary service to be admitted.
The tenants of the Brotherhood are mostly there but feels like it is falling into some mix of Enclave with some East Coast Brotherhood influence
Miscellaneous
The magical yellow substance ( which I know I can be completely wrong on) makes me think of the FEV experiments or a successful substrain of it that does exactly what it was designed for - just feels weird that Fallout 1, Fallout 2 and Fallout 3 show how destructive the benefits of the project were and now it has been perfected to work with any physiology with the added "benefit" of addiction ( or being beholded to require constant dosing over prolonged exposure)
I understand that a lot can happen in time and humans are just as easy to stuff up things and as its own thing it does feel "Fallout" and does a lot to be faithful to the games, so in that I do give credit where credit is due
Maybe Season 2 and beyond will answer the questions I have or fill in the holes, or not I need to just enjoy the show for what it is 🤷
Thank you for the information
I guess that is for even older systems that one knows will run within the limitations of 32-bit systems but will not be negatively impacted by it?
The more I know, did throw me off though and changed the keyboard setting to US and haven't had issues. At least all the other information will be to my liking so that is a happy accident at least.
Appreciate the information, thank you
Thank you for the link, I can definitely have a look at that to get better performance with limited resources
Thanks, and in regards to the sound I think it might be a failure of the mic itself and not a software thing ( seems to not pick up audio on two different devices - tried on one before and now again on the new install seems to be the case - audio just picks up a popping sound and not voice at all) . I probably need to look at a cheap one-off microphone to get me by. 2 Browser stuff is a bit harsh with only 2Gb - need to look at maybe getting firefox lite or something lightweight, but I can get used to 1 tab at a time, can think of it as an opportunity to try work towards something more, but overall pretty impressed by what it is able to accomplish with the old tech.
I feel I have been converted away from microsoft and like what I am seeing with Linux systems so far. I will likely consider it for future systems if I am able to get something more capable later down the line
Good day
I would please like to ask for suggestions for first time installation of linux on an old pc that has recently come into my possession
It is
Pentium 4 3.4 Ghz (2 cpu) 2 Gb Ram 1Tb hardrive Onboard graphics 128 mb
I have been looking at Mint and I am assuming that the Xfce Edition would probably be the smarter choice, but I am curious to know if I could use something like Cinnamon Edition and will it run smoothly hitting at the minimum spec of 2Gb RAM. Is their other alternatives that provide a good exprience for the limited resources as I decide to take the plunge?
Last review for the month. Seeing as Adventure Mode for the KitFox Version is coming out next month, decided to do a write up for it
I just wanted to express gratitude to those that helped give that little push to just blog what I feel and go with it. I have gotten to the point where I have published my 20th post today.
Although I do feel my blog site needs work, It has at least made me more confident to try and push my work into social networks by uploading posts of it on Mastodon and using my old Facebook as well. It is giving me more confidence to try "market" it I guess.
Still trying to figure out my schedule and most likely going to look at my least viewed posts and bring them up to the standard of the ones that got more views but overall I do feel better about myself while doing this expression of self
So with that I give a Thank You to the community 🫡
So I have thinking about Reapers and how they like to intergrate technology. Spoiler tagging, just in case for anyone that has not completed the trilogy.
Sovereign:
spoiler
-
To me seems it was the created or integrated Protean Reaper tasked with proving its value by starting the reaping cycle. I say this as Soveriegn nails that Prothean superiority and arrogant attitude. It could also be an interpretation of how a prothean sect failed to control Reapers and instead joined up with their beliefs or were "corrupted by the code". Perhaps an Illusive Man parallel.
-
Could also contribute to how Reaper-Saren had an overload perhaps? In its arrogance it diverted too much energy trying to do many different tasks, including trying to stop Shepard and in the moment it was defeated it couldn't handle the concept of losing to an inferior being which caused a logic error and subsequent crash.
-
It also played into the "God Complex" with the Geth, which seems very on brand with Protheans
Collectors
spoiler
-
Considering how they are cloned, it could have been another Prothean sect that was big on biosynthetic augmentation and attempted to survive the Reapers by trying to "hijack" a relay and escape to the galatic core and there finding the husk of some other cycle's attempt at constructing the Crucible but failed. Not knowing that by them integrating "Reaper-based AI" code that it would corrupt them and over time lose themselves to Harbinger's Will.
-
I say this as the Collectors only have one ship and how easy it is for Harbinger to interface with the augmented Collector General and Collectors. Interesting in how the Collector general seems confused once harbinger releases control - could also be that the general came to after being mentally dominated for who knows how long.
-
interesting how quick Harbinger is able to drop the charade of the starchild when it dismisses Shepard when they refuse on the Crucible in a similar manner to how it abandons the Collector General.
-
It is an interesting parallel to Cerberus and Collectors as well with them trying to integrate flesh and machine with Shepard, Project Overlord, not knowing the books, but I recall someone named Greyson as well with another Cerburus incident and also with attempting to pass through the Omega Relay and using any (advanced tech that in all likelihood has Reaper-Tech integrated) Collector Technology they find - although intended less for survival and more for dominance
As I wrote in the title, it is just me coming up with some conspiracy while thinking on it in my spare time - anyway it is all in good humour.
Thank you for coming to my Westerlund News Talk
;tldr
Find something you enjoy and try and capture it in a way that you can look at it and appreciate what you do, I mean you might not appreciate it but it can be something that gets all that built thoughts out into the open so it is easy to see with one's own eyes.
I know and understand it will not work for everyone but I still hope it can be a positive contribution from my own experiences and I can only hope it can be useful for someone
End tldr;
So I have posted a lot and it felt a bit selfish always using the service but not really contributing.
I don't know how long I can keep it up, but over the past 2 weeks I have been trying to blog a video game article every day on my personal blog. I mean I should space things out so that I don't burn out of course, but so far just doing the writing has helped me not be overwhelmed with thought.
Perhaps it is a distraction, but I do feel less social anxiety as I am branching out more on Lemmy and try to engage with people more and I think for that is good thing.
I don't know if it is good advice or not, but for me it feels being able to express something one really enjoys in what ever way that one is most comfortable with and then being able to reflect on it - in my case writing and then going over it and then being able to say I completed something when I publish it - has created to me a, I can only assume, a postive feedback loop.
I write this as I am someone that enjoys being social but is incredibly socially insular, and in writing the video games blogs it is making me feel more comfortable trying to branch out as I "empty my head" so to speak.
I made contact with the friends I felt ashamed of being a detriment to the group and explained my situation, stating I would communicate every now then via posting but be unable to communicate via voice
I even made a Mastodon account, and although I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to write and learn about correct # usage while stil building up the courage to use because I have never been big on social media before, I finally got around to post to share my blog online and I built that courage by myself, which I however small is an achievement to me considering I have always felt I cannot do things without someone else's help.
The help I did get from going to a blogging group is to just not care what other people say and write for myself, create something I want and over time I can make it better and refine. Just so long as I am doing something that is a good thing. If nothing else writing can be for its own benefit and that has a reassuring comfort for someone like me that is incredibly harsh on myself as well.
There is probably a name for this, but I guess in absence of other choices, this is almost like therapy for me in a sense. I still do strongly recommend that those that can should seek professional help though
Source: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/471147-mass-effect Uploader: Daft Punkjet
Not sure on the the origin, besides providing where I found it.
On the scale of paragon and renegade, I think the most memorable moments I have had with Mass Effect is being a Renegade with Paragon-like ideals - especially with Sole Survivor.
What I mean by this is being a renegade but try to push for paragon like outcomes - so making use of intimidation to obtain something usually obtained via persuasion, taking hard stances on those that wish to exploit and profit off unethical research, while still feeling strongly about preserving the rights of a species to exist.
Some great lines comes from both renegade actions and the contradictions.
By the time of the trilogy, I head cannon it together quite nicely as a Shepard feeling like he is always forced to make the hard choices, being someone struggling with survivor's guilt, and internally is conflicted with the consequences of his actions and tries to do better.
This self-enforced burden has made them a bitter person, but not an irredeemable one as the personal moments help peel back the bravado and exposes someone really struggling to keep their shit together.
Hi, I just started trying to blog (video games opinion and I suppose it could fall under reviewing as well) and I feel a bit overwhelmed thinking whether it feels "correct" or if it is missing something.
Currently it is just writing with pictures with it linked where I took it from on the title text option on the images and the publishing that.
Is there any sites or resources one can recommend for reading?
I am more than willing to read any advice anyone would like to share as this is still very new for me.
I am using Blogger, so if there is any tips anyone would like to share in regards to the platform, I am also willing to read those as well.
Tldr:
Seeing lemmy posts about Disco Elysium reminded me of something that resonanted with me and its been bubbling wanting to get out and the other topic feeling lonely and isolated from friends due to hardware failure and a growing sense of low self worth and loneliness with some introspection.
: End tldr
First off I want to preface that I am going to be using a game and I guess how it emotionally resonated with me when I tried empathasing with the main character.
The game in question being Disco Elysium.
Although I myself cannot directly place myself in the shoes of the protaganist the game did catch me in a lot of moments where I am in a situation and just think "damn, that sounds like me" at times.
From the commentary of being a "Sorry Cop", that I have tried to move past in my life ( being someone that used to say "sorry" a lot)
To the many different examples of falling into a line of thought or idealogy and being exposed to the idea that maybe I might be inclined to ideas because I have been hurt and in that hurt I have lashed out mentally clawed onto these ideas less from thinking clearly to maybe it just makes me feel better to identify with something to try forget about the pain.
A part in particullar resonanted with me in the first run through the game where the protaganist talks to their ex-wife, it resonated with me from a moment in my life where I mentally fell blindly in love, was rejected and come to the realisation I was being used.
It isn't an exact situation from any stretch but the emotion of wanting someone and wanting to get an answer and seeing that he felt he was not good enough, really hit home in a different way from how I usually have ruminated - mainly because I expressed but never had anyone to empathise with being felt betrayed and abandoned.
In a weird way, I could empathise with the longing the character had and how painful it coukd feel, at the anger I have carried in me and how I could feel that anger in the character. It was like "I know this, and I know how you feel" and the game explores this with the destructive( and the potentially destructive) behaviour the character goes through in the game.
When I played it a second time I really went pretty hard into the worst emotions I felt during those times and it was I guess eye-opening to see the self-destructive behaviour from the outside where the character was a philosophical mess embracing many different philosophies falling in with facists and communists, the uncomfortableness of almost making a little girl cry, catching that in myself in that moment and really feeling bad exposing a child to the ugliness of the world when they express a world view with their child-like innocence.
And what really sealed the deal in making take a step back and think on things is when the protagonist has genuine heart to heart with other broken people and then just hitting right through to a root cause that
"Hey, that person really messed you up didn't they. It's okay and maybe your life is a mess because you cannot forgive yourself and you doing all these wild things, believing all these ideologies because you feel hurt and you do all these things to try replace that pain with something, anything that can make you feel better"
It just hit differently feeling personally called out but not in the way that they reprimand and ridicule you but just in a way that says "hey the world is fucked up, people will do fucked up things, things will not always work out and we all carry baggage."
Isolating yourself and trying to carry the weight of the perceived world on your shoulders can lead to self destruction and ruin, but when people genuinely listen and, even though their situation can be similar or worse, listen with sympathy and understanding that one can start to take steps to heal oneself.
I guess seeing news of Disco Elysium around Lemmy sparked the memory, but yeah even though things are not great for me and I feel myself falling back into my isolation as events that was planned to improve fell through and my personal situation not getting better with things I also planned to use breaking down as well.
In regards to the breaking down of things was my computer which one could argue was the thing that was keeping my sanity in check somewhat probably in the same vein I suppose an addict uses substances to deal with issues if I try be honest with myself.
On the other hand it was a lot easier to communicate with people but when it died, I tried communicating with the mobile device and unfortunately the earpieces are kind of trash with it having degraded audio or static while communicating also on top of the charger cable breaking and having to playing round robin in the household with a single working charger.
With the events just piling on in a negative momentum, I think I feel incredibly lonely and low value because that is how I feel around my peers when I cannot engage with them when I feel I bring nothing to the table and feel like I actually make the experience worse
When the pc was working I attempted to make videos, however every time I tried I would be bitterly disappointed with my own voice and it would demotivate me from further editing and attempting to create.
I suppose with the forceful break from it I guess deep down I really just wanted to make videos to be recognised and acknowledged, however I hated the content I was trying to make because it felt lifeless and phoned in. I guess I was so focussed on trying to be "perfect" that I just made myself more unhappy when I couldn't do something I really do enjoy doing but feel incompetent in trying to get that across.
This was all very loaded again, but it has been building up inside of me for awhile and I really needed to just write something otherwise I feel I would stubble down into the "madness" pit.
I would like to preface there is some foul language and potentially dark musings that I am going to express...
If it is beyond acceptable measures and rules of the group I understand I accept it being removed.
I am really trying to win a mental battle, but I just can't win
I am engulfed in negativity, surrounded by voices of negativity, my past haunts my negativity, and feel my future is going to lead just to negativity.
I am a broken shell of an individual that doesn't want to be broken but nothing seems to break me free from my mental prison.
I have tried to keep it under control, but recently seems I am in less control than I feared.
An ex recently came to me via social media to ask for support for the difficulties they are experiencing in their life and in conversation something from the past came back to surface, which later seemed to be but a metaphorical vent in volcano as they wished to wipe the slate clean.
This gesture seemed to reverberate with a painful memory which is associated with an even greater painful memory sphere. This soon erupted into a tirade of expression that brought out the suppressed emotion of the greater memory sphere. This I thought lightened my burden and to try make up for my outburst tried to reconcile with selfless support, however a day after a conversation seemed to snap an even greater repressed emotion.
I was not hovering between panic attack and tears, but tears and emotional numbness, this continued until a point it seems my unconscious mind put a stop to it as I reached a point where I couldn't feel any emotion anymore, like I had just administered drugs. My body was just dead to emotion and tired and just empty.
It was like even soul was broken and just had enough and put a stop to it. All I felt like doing is just lie down and try and sleep, like some husk of a person just run bare. In the morning, the back of my neck sore and I felt empty still.
This individual undergoing their stresses has since pulled away and removed themselves from my life as they have their issues to deal with and I am too heavy negative presence to deal with.
The tangled web of suppressed fear, disappointment and anger is so ingrained that I cannot see anyone that would have the patience to untie it... I could never afford the amount of therapy to get help for this and even if I could I am so jaded by never finding any progress or answers that I fear all I will do is waste that money if I tried.
I say this from going to university, and seeing the student councellors and probably of the 10 or more I saw only one had any inkling of providing an diagnosis and another help conceptualize a slightly better outlook. The rest was trying to tell me my problems aren't my problems, seek religion, or just write down what i say.... every single one I seem to address a new issue almost like I was just trying to unload the accumulated burden of the past.
I will give acknowledgement to those that tuned down my most violent thoughts.
Although this is by and large ancient history, I believe the wellspring from which my deepest hatred, pain and fear comes from is the betrayal of someone I put naive trust in. It was the straw that broke the camels back and imprinted in me an incredibily destructive scar upon my psyche.
I acknowledge that I took their attitude poorly and acted in way that should have been acted upon sooner. But this wrong behaviour led to a day when this individual showed a group of people where I lived, which is with my family.
This action snapped something inside of me, it invoked an incredible surge of hatred. To punish me for my actions I could accept, but the thought of hurting my family for my actions was unforgivable and swelled me with an incandescent rage.
I say this as my brother is mentally disabled and the thought that he could get hurt for my actions fueled an anger I do not think I have come close to yet. This burning rage was always present waiting for a strike that never came, until under advisement of her mother said I should just write a letter out and just get it out my system.
My trust and naive constantly mocked as we worked in the same environment as she would loudly speak about her recandled flame with the boyfriend that had cheated on her come back together, with him even coming into the store on occassion where they make a public display of things.
The letter I wrote scathing and fully expecting reprisal... i wished to paint a bullseye upon myself and myself only
My mentality was that of a death seeker looking for one final violent defiant release. The day did come when I was threatened and I know fight or flight kicked in as I was filled with addrenaline, happy, eager, waiting for the first strike to be thrown. This was done while I was working and everything in my body felt happy to finally have this moment. But the moment never came and only threats for after work reprisal were given..
The addrenaline past, and my higher functions kicked in and soon realised what the fuck was I feeling, when finally confronted with release I was feeling eager smiling at the opportunity...but when it past that part of me scared the living bejeebus out of me.. i fell into a panick attack as I had no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
It was at moment, a part of me was scared I realized I wanted to live. The thought of what i was willing to through with was horrifying, that anger, that rage it scared me something fierce.
Just writing this makes my heart beat fast and hard like a constant knock at the door as I lie in bed.
I tried to seek some help but it was the before mentioned free university student services and that was met with mixed results.
But it seems this pain, this learning experience scarred me in the way that I was too stupid to process the real world and in doing so I almost caused so much hurt for someone regardless of the outcome be it in my death or the death of the ones threatening me.
I tried to to move on, but every attempt fails, always always something happens that draws me to the pain
I was incredibly lonely growing up, so much so I would go mad and feel like my head woud explode from the pressure, physical pressure of trying to make sense of it all. All the while I needed to hide my pain, my actions my thoughts to not make my parents feel that they raised 2 mental disabled children.
From that point on people that I would come close to would take advantage of my kindness, my trust and this further eroded my pysche, I tried to move on, but behind me was an every growing baggage that would get heavier and heavier to carry as each successive people would take more and more from me.. and add to this seeing such messed up things happen with people around them and it just made the problem worse and worse.
It my problem that I got so desparate for some form of affirmation that the only people I seem to draw were the wrong type of people...
I mean this type of behaviour was going on for awhile with various levels of betrayal and anguish even before the fateful tipping point, but as I wrote before that the point where I got so angry was a point where I felt the ever downward spiral take a free fall
It effects every part of my life and with every failure just seems to get worse and worse
I cannot even see myself worthy being anyone's better half because I am too broken to fix.... to try is to delve into madness itself and I cannot expect anyone to have the mental fortitude and patience to dig through so much filth. This even in the face of being told I have examplary morals, I just cannot be anyone else's burden.
I even have been told before to seek a priest to rid myself of the demons.
Somehow I have found a way to make friends, even with repeated faliure, I somehow have met individuals that are cut and above the usual pieces of shit human being I seem to have seem to associate with, but I am trying to keep this mess of a human being out of it. What I have shared is to a point I believe palatable to average consenus of the group and I never or want or expect them to provide support in my mental battles as just having "decent human beings" to be in contact with is a treasure.
I have other issues where I do not have a voice to correct the wrong assumptions and standing up for myself when I feel that I receive unfair treatment in a respectful and dignified manner and tend to keep quiet, but that would require another long and exhausting write essay and I am just drained after writing this.
I apologize yet again for language use and potentially dark tone, but I did try to compress this to not go into too much detail, as I have a terrible habit of writing too much and hopefully this more palatable.
But yeah, if I would surmise I am a broken person haunted by a past that holds onto me as a means to protect myself from myself but in doing so makes my life incredibily miserable and any longings and aspirations I have is such a broken concept that I feel whatever I do is doomed to fail and only bring about more misery and pain in an endless self-perpetuating cycle of failure and regret that I feel that doing anything is pointless as it will only lead to having me needing to deal with even more stuff that perpetuates the unending cycle
I know this unhealthy, I know it is wrong and I know I need help but I cannot see anything really helping this it is more than needing drugs as all it will help with is regulation and chemical balance, but my mind is a shattered broken mess that no amount of drugs can ultimately fix, maybe make the house keeping easier but there is some foundational problems I know is the root causes but all help I received is from the freely available sources and those sources all seem confused about is the problems because they have just best guesss so far and feel drugs will fix things.
I am not targeting any group, race or religion or whatever, just an observation why does it seem that freedom of speech appears to invoke an image of a defence to be an asshole?
I get it, free to speak your mind and all and sometimes hard truths need to be said that but is the concept so out of whack that people have less empathy for others that they don't agree with that they antagonise another to the point of disrespecting the right to dignity?
It seems like humanity is hard wired for conflict and if it isn't actively trying to kill itself it seems to find an outlet for violence some way somehow. Maybe it is social conditioning or just some primal urge that makes humans human.
I don't even know where else I could ask it, and it seems kind of stupid to think about so... have at thee
Will future generations look at how big corporations do business today like drug dealers - have a product and then try and hijack the brain into continuously wanting or using said product - like how medical herion and cocaine were used as acceptable medical treatments in , I hopefully, assume ignorance
I mean maybe it won't matter in the future, but was thinking how today's society seems to be in an "addiction" culture. I mean in a sense that research is done into how to keep people engaged and hooked onto something to control how your brain perceives things and then profit off it like some drug dealer making their drugs more addictive to retain and expand their client list.
Writing it I feel like some conspiracy nut calling corpo - drug dealers, but I look at these monetization schemes, manipulations of "big savings", data harvesting and manipulation and how actions are taken to narrow one's view towards a specific option.
It all seems like it tries to draw you in and then once its got you tries get you to "do one more hit".
Apologizes if there is a more general thread, and if there is I can move it there
So my vampire experience is not with the latest experimental version, but I hope that my feedback can be helpful in some ways
I caught the vampirism in the early-middle stage of winter from an sketchy old age retirement village - which I felt a bit miffed at being forced to accept vampirism until I geared up, did some lab raids and grew some garlic for the treatment. Nothing major, just inconvienced and just drew my characters own blood for sustenance until the stages got worse and it forced me to work something new out.
I know it isn't necessary but I felt another source of mercury not in labs would be nice, although I am probably not knowledgable enough to know those places, garlic can be scavanged and/or found so that is alright unless like me didn't anticipated it and had to wait a while to get enough garlic, silver can be found well enough from scavenged jewelery and blood, well I made my own head canon and expand on that later
I know it is easier said than done, but it would be nice if NPC followers that trust you enough would allow you draw blood from them like once a week. It could be a context sensitive dialogue option if they trust you enough and you could draw blood, a survival camp work issue to ask for a blood drive in camp ( which is probably more complicated than it seems) or have an action via fangs to draw blood ala blood thrall.
I got a bit annoyed at the need to feed my blood lust and feed normal food for my character as I tend to be a "Very focused on one thing at a time" type of person and tried to use blood as food but ended up getting parasites, so I resorted to pulping a feral out in the wide and dumping its corpse into a freezer to keep it fresh ( and so it doesnt despawn).
When I needed blood would dump the corpse of the floor, blood draw kit a couple of pints, use the blood infusion magic to get my fill and dump the corpse back in the freezer for next meal.
I understand that it isn't near close to finished as I was looking at the JSON to see if the treatment reduced my vampirism, maybe some more feedback when taking a treatment could help with it - "you feel like an incredible burning sensation as the blood running through your feels like acid, but you feel the blood lust slowly waning" at stage 3 with potentially health or damage applied randomly, "Your blood burns, but you feel the hunger weaken" at stage 2 and at stage 1 "You feel great discomfort as the treatment runs through your veins, but the hunger feels like a faint calling"
I do not wish to sound negative and want to say that the buffs are good and saved me a couple of times and allowed me to fight things that frog mothers in sewers with melee without fear. I guess it feels rough around the edges, I didn't feel like a vampire more like souped-up-blood-crack fiend.
Perhaps my vision of vampirism is romantised with ideas of Dracula and not getting all the cliche' is what is putting me out of place.
Anyway, I enjoyed it while I had it and journey to work for cure was eventful. I hope that it improves and thank you for your hard work
I have been pretty active when I have the ability to on another cdda instance, since the reddit black out and missed this site's move here.
Finally somewhere where I can check on the updates and pass my peasant opinions on things
Firstly to all the contributors and developers, thank you for a great game that does have its tedium but exploratory content, lore and world building is great and that does make up for a lot of it.
And as I play the game notice that there are lots of things via quests and factions that can help off shoot a lot of the micro required to survive and if I survive long enough the tools are there to focus more on projects that grab my attention than clicking to survive
Hi, I was redirected here after asking about this topic
I would please like to know if there a platform ( hopefully that is the right terminology) on peertube or an instance in the fediverse that deals with questions in regards to finding out more information on uploading video game videos?
Quick glance at Peertube seems to deal more with educational entertainment materials and was wondering if there is somewhere that deals with a more entertainment focus?
Tldr:
Feel anxious and conflicted on persuing something I enjoy and sharing it and then feeling that I will ultimately go nowhere with it as I have in all likelihood developed learnt helplessness
End tldr
I want to write this as I am feeling anxiety over a a post I just made and the way I try and control it is to try and internalise and rationalise it.
One of the branches of the decrepit tree ahead:
My life it has been dotted with moments where I am ridiculed, taken advantage of or shown disdain, included in that is a poor self image and my insistence on maintaining integrity being seen as bad . In all those moments I have turned to video games to cope. I have tried to improve myself and I have made progress in some areas but still I am stuck in this very negative loop not going anywhere.
Currently I am disenfranchised in looking for work as my prospects continue to dwindle as I have all but abadoned my studied field as every attempt has been met with either disinterest or comments that make me feel I made a mistake in studying the field I did and the work I did find leads to dead ends as the culture of business in my country ensures that I will never advance in any established business by series of government incentive and without some element of nepotism.
I do not see a future in any work except maybe being some low level grunt whose work drive gets taken advantage of and exploited. Added to that I am stuck with student debt that just accrues interest.
For reference unemployment in my country from the latest I could find is 32,7 % of which I am on paper the least desirable work demographic. When really trying to think of something, the only avenue I see is self employment, however the only thing I feel confident in is video games.
I have been complemented on potential salesmen acumen which was harshly suppressed in the retail job I used to work in as wasting time.. Retail - I just could not take that environment as the company was like a toad in boling water placing more and more responsibility on my shoulders and then expecting an ever increasing higher standard while it took every opportunity to minimize costs- it expects a robot and that is the one thing I have been trying to avoid becoming
Sidetracked aside
And thus I get to the point of the story, I really want to make video game videos. I know it is a dead end as well to want to make a living in such a saturated market, and still I just want to make it more as an expression and possibly a stepping stone to share what I enjoy.
It is only thing I seem to take pride in that hasn't been taken advantage of( I guess it is a mental protective bubble)
However just asking for help on another instance gave me anxiety, ultimately I would love to make something from it but it really isn't the greatest motivating factor. I fear that what I would put out would be rubbish and waste my time and thus add on top my existing failure of not making anything of myself, made worse that I could spiral out that even something that I enjoy would be worthless.
I tried before to make something when I was in a slightly better situation where I had a working headset microphone but the more I reviewed it the more I would get upset at things from the quality of the video, to the sound of my voice, the production quality and the way I attempted to presented information, it remains as a private video that I feel even that is something I couldn't get right.
Realistically only thing I can currenly do is video game recording without any voice work and even that seems like I would be wasting my time. But still a part of me wants to do it to just do something other than the nothing that I am currently doing.
It feels wrong to want to do this as it will ultimately feel like just another failed project. I don't know what else to really do... looking for work seems pointless and I cannot think of any reasonable other work I can do as it most likely requires networking that I have virtually none of. I feel that i have worked myself into learnt hopelessness and anything I do is destined to fail.
Ultimately there is some deep underlining problems at work in me that have interwined and have amalgamated it something worse.
I realy hope that me throwing things out there like some sort of therapy session is alright. I really want to be a better person but I am carrying a crap- ton of baggage that I have held on to and feel guilt for being this way as people do have it a lot worse and I have this inability to do any better.
I am not sure if it the right place to ask, but I wanted to ask if there a platform that deals with video uploads, specifically gaming.
I am an absolute amatuer and probably will upload crap, but still if I could potentially upload stuff to get to grips with and build experience for myself I would like to please know.
An example would be for a test: I made some darkest dungeon boss fights videos, I still have on my mobile device, a while back for a friend to show them the game and in this case upload it to one of these instances I am asking about and get feedback and advice.
