3w ago

I am desperate

Need a license, need a car, need to gtfo of this state or country. I have no friends here, no social life, I spend nearly every waking moment alone (either in my rented room or on the porch chainsmoking and occasionally getting drunk off my ass). I walk to work at a fucking gas station that is testing my patience. The times I do talk to friends, it's either playing video games online without much talk or I have to hear about all the cool and social shit one friend in particular experiences regularly. I live in fucking South Carolina in an expensive fucking area where rent is 2k+ a month. I make 14 an hour with incredibly varied hours. I want nothing more than my heart to stop and never have to see another day. I am midlife, but my entire life has been like this for the past 10 years (just in a new area since last year). I need guidance, help, or a rope. I cannot with this shit anymore. I am too tired and too alone to cope with shit. Been trying stoicism, but you can only say, "It is what it is," so many times before suicide is what it is.

131 comments

i can only offer you an ear, stranger, but i am here. you are heard. i acknowledge your struggle and wish you relief. i will add that i can commiserate with you, so if you ever need somebody new to vent at, feel free to reach out to me any time (now, later, never, it's all good). i can relate to your feelings at least, so the way you feel isn't yours alone.
edit: btw happy cakeday :3
Hey there, I've been living abroad for over a decade and can tell you exactly how to do it.
The total cost of living (rent, utilities, wifi, groceries) outside of the US is $500 for most countries and $1000 for the remainder.
Get any remote job you can work at for 10-15 hours a week, move to one of the $500 countries, recuperate, live. Take it from there.
Please ask me any questions about living abroad here in the comments, in messages, or in my travel community; it's extremely liberating living abroad and I have all the practical information and experience to help you do it.
- You have my attention. The main things I'd be looking for are English speaking countries that are LGBTQ+ friendly. Non-binary. I've never traveled or even owned a passport, so I'm not exactly sure of the process.
  
  assuming you're a) US american and b) don't have a remote job
  tldr: passport, get any remote job that pays $500 a month or more, choose a country, airbnb a spot for a month(best value), fly over.
  passport: You can apply for a passport at many USPS offices. You can search for locations here or call up your local USPS offices and ask them if they process passport applications. Fill out the forms, pay the $165 fee, you'll receive your passport in 2-4 weeks, and then(I'm assuming you're US American) have 10 years access to ~180 countries visa-free or visa-on-arrival.
  Once you're abroad, you can either move country to country every 3-12 months(that's what I do), stay in the same country by popping over to and back from adjacent countries, or get long-term visas or residency status if you're sure you want to stay somewhere permanently.
  jobs: While you're waiting for your passport, sign up for indeed or any job search site and apply for whatever you can get that you can make $500 or more a month at, there are hundreds of entry level jobs. Teaching English is an accessible job for fluent English speakers requiring no certification to begin.
  English speakers: Most countries have some level of English, especially near the cities where most people live. There are expat communities everywhere and most tourists from all countries will also be able to speak English. Thailand gets 30 to 40 million tourists a year for example, and most of them will be speaking English, in addition to the local professionals, students, so forth, so you have entire country populations of English speaking people even in non-majority English-speaking countries.
  Thailand has had three genders forever and has recently added gay marriage and legal protections to their cultural recognition of lgbtq and is a very easy beginning country to live in with low cost of living, great medical care, friendly people, good food, and a lot more. Different countries deal with queer culture differently, but in general big cities everywhere care less about lgbtq and Thailand especially won't care if you're gay, trans, or literally polka-dotted purple. you'll just be another person, although they have pride marches and events to take part in if you want to.
  I can go into way more detail and context, so ask away.
- The total cost of living (rent, utilities, wifi, groceries) outside of the US is $500 for most countries and $1000 for the remainder.
  What does this mean?
  
  The cost of living in most countries is $500 USD per month, and the cost of living is $1000 per month in the minority of more expensive countries.
  I define what I mean by cost of living in the parenthetical list.
  Lower if you stay in hostels, those can be 2-4$ a day in some countries, $120 or less a month for rent, utilities and wifi.
  
  Not the original commenter, but I read that as $500-$1000 per month is going to cover all your bills, in many other countries that aren't the US, Western Europe, Australia, or Japan.
Please stop smoking. I have lost three close people to lung cancer, and my brother in law smokes and I literally can't watch it again. You will save a bunch of money. Like, used car money. You're on Lemmy, right? We do watch parties sometimes. I volunteer at a library. It was something to do during COVID, and it has 100% turned everything around for me. I used the boost to my ego to get off my ass and go back to school, got my diploma, and found my dream job. I don't have things together yet, but I'm moving in the right direction. You can too! Please quit smoking.
- That's the goal. I started smoking almost 17 years ago at this point. Longest I've gone without smoking is 3 months a few times before I hit the breaking point again. I'm currently investigating options for everything, but thank you 💛
I hear you. I'm sorry for your situation. I dont think I'm qualified to help you out in any meaningful way, but I feel for you.
I'm a progressive, politically. I want you and my worst enemy to both get free healthcare, education, and freedom. Capitalism is a horrendous way of life. When money is worth more than a human life, your society is fucked up.
Keep your head in the game, and know that you aren't alone in this fucked up world.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you have a creative outlet you could channel some of this into? Do you have any employment centres or some other kind of resource available that could help you look at pathways to other jobs?
- I'm too drained for art or music. My spirit is in shambles. Aside from online job boards like Ziprecruiter and indeed, not really. The residential area I live in has sidewalks, however, sidewalks are very much a novelty because wtf is walkable infrastructure? This whole town is just a giant highway, so I can't get anywhere and I've been irresponsible with the little money I have trying to cope with being alive (I do have savings, but it's only enough to pay for the fees accrued with obtaining a vehicle). Rideshares are too expensive to get anywhere consistently.
  
  It sounds like you're overwhelmed and judging yourself for not being further along than you are. I'm guessing you were trying something new this last time. Even though it's not the best, it's not the worst.
  I suggest for you to stop comparing yourself to others or judging your past self. It helps no one. You need a carrot, but all you're thinking about are sticks. What is a small goal that you can have a win on that sounds like a little fun? Then build on that. It sounds simple and trite, but I swear, it's what you need.
  
  You're talking like my spirit feels.
  You need someone to dump on, I'm here. Send a message.
  I just had a mental breakdown over the weekend, feeling a lot of the same things you mention here.
  
  Along the lines of a creative outlet, do you have any sort of fitness routine? I'm glad that there are at least sidewalks in your area. Maybe a decent used bicycle (and a good lock!) could be fun and usedul. Not that you still wouldn't need a car, but it could be fun to explore and blow off some steam.
  
  Do you have a YMCA?
- Damn, called out lol But yeah. I'm gonna see if I can get some shit together with a local buddy and try to start picking up trash or something. Try to get on his route or at least get a ride to work with him. If that falls through, this idea or getting the fuck out are the next on the list.
  
  Dunno if you can get a union gig anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line like a municipal trash service, but a union gig with even a halfway decent contract will guarantee raises.
Honestly, thank each and everyone of you for responding. 💛 I'm looking into everything you guys have recommended and gonna see what fits best for me. Love y'all!
Well, that's only three things. Make some changes
-smoking
-drinking
+license
+car
+new state
- Well, yeah. I know what needs to change and I'm doing the thing (gas station job is a recent development. Thought I'd have more consistent hours than my previous job that I left), but my mind is so incredibly tired
  
  I hear you. Sometimes it's easier to think about things in small chunks
  
  Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Is there an employment agency or temp agency in your area? Check with your local library for help with this or finding other resources.
There has to be a place on this huge planet that you will fit into and love.
1 year ago I was where I spent my entire life. I moved into my car and found my dream land. Unbelievable it was 1000x better than anything I expected. Now I have friends, neighbors that are amazing, and work nearby. The hardest part was to jump into it.
Distraction is the cure.
Dont listen to me and you will continue your shit life: in the evening at the end of your day, put in your overpriced AirPods that you didn't need to buy, and then go take a fucking light jog for 30 mins in only one direction, and then turn around and jog back.
Arrive home, take a warm shower and then turn off your fucking phone and go to sleep. DO NOT GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA. DO NOT READ THE NEWS.
Wake up, go to work, and do the same shit again. Repeat for 14 days and reply back to me.
This is not a request. Shut the fuck up and just go do it.
- Eh I mean immediately jumping into 60 mins of running every single day is like the recipe for a TMTS injury. Doing a gradual progression is probably better. Assuming OP has safe streets to run and even likes running.
  I agree that exercise can be great though. Something to do, endorphins, health benefits, something to track improvement in over time, and so on. Diving into it can be super super grounding in times like these, although I know how cliché it is to suggest and how disheartening and even condescending it can feel. Like “oh you aren’t happy in your capitalist hellscape? Have you tried taking on even more work? Have you considered that you just don’t have the right attitude or aren’t doing the right things to earn happiness?”
  At least that’s how it always felt to me when I was in this darkness, and would hear people who were so much better off than me suggest such totally asinine things as taking up running or baking bread.
  But these pursuits are actually the most potent act of rebellion you can take against this system that’s fucking us. It is NOT a coincidence that we get home from work feeling run down, like we’ve spun our wheels another day for nothing, like we need some type of release. That release is then sold to us for any amount of money we happen to have; maybe booze, maybe electronics, maybe junk food, you name it. These types of releases are not rejuvenating and you just string yourself along until you next clock in.
  The leeches in power want you on this merry go round for the rest of your days. So screw them all.
  Devote yourself to some physical hobby they can’t charge you for. Running is an all time classic, I endorse resistance training as well (check out Hybrid Calisthenics on youtube for great progressions you can do with no/minimal equipment if gym access is an issue).
  I know it still sounds cringe lol. There’s really no convincing way to get the message across with words. Wishing you all the best OP
  
  I've got a pushup board I've been neglecting, but I weigh too much atm and can barely do 5 pushups at this point. Wallups are doable, I've just been slacking since I had a giant crash out earlier in the year that caused me to start smoking again. As far as running, eh... I can do it, but not for very long. Weight + smoking + probably undiagnosed asthma as my lungs get cold and hurt when I run too much. Been like that since I was little.
  
  immediately jumping into 60 mins of running every single day is like the recipe for a TMTS injury
  I never said anywhere in my comment anything about running. Where did you get the implication?
- This is the worst goddamn advice.
  “Literally plug your ears and do your very best to ignore the reasons everything has gone to shit.”
  Everyone, especially those with nothing to lose, should be out there on the offensive.
  
  That's the first step. The second step i was going to tell this guy is to see a therapist, but none of you here are ready for that it seems.
I have no idea how you are doing it as that is under 30k a year if you get full hours each week and your rent is over 24k. so like less than 500 a month for everything else and that is pretty rough just getting food.
- Roommate. He doesn't charge me an arm and a leg, but the living conditions are less than stellar. Pretty gross, tbh. I fast every other day, so food isn't a big deal. 50 dollars every 2 weeks on groceries
  
  This believe it or not is familiar. Is it animals making it less livable or just the general state of the place. Its funny because I have sometimes posted about my own budget and I mention my over 2k rent is a pretty darn affordable situation. If we lose it we are toast (wife and I)
IMO the cost of living is always a big trouble, and that affects everyone. economic reforms including universal basic income are needed, then you'd have at least material options like better quality of apartment/neighborhood (or moving somewhere else), i assume.
where would you like to live?
- Anywhere that won't punish me for just trying to live. More specifically, somewhere that is cool and doesn't get too hot, walkable, where a vehicle isn't necessary, and I can easily find a job and my own place. I know I'm probably looking somewhere overseas at that point, but I have 0 marketable skills and only speak English. But also, maybe Chicago in the states. A country that can work with me just speaking English otherwise. Wouldn't really want to live in Britain, but if I leave the country, I don't wanna be anywhere near the US.
  
  Have you been to the Northeast US? Maybe NY, PA (Southeast, like Philly), NJ, MA, somewhere up there? Not super far from SC, and plenty of options for places to live that are definitely more affordable than $2k/month
$2k a month in SC sounds insane to me... Surely there are towns nearby that are more affordable to live in?
Explorer addiction recovery, start with detox, that will be the path to job opportunities and housing.
I'm not saying this in a flippant way, perhaps your region doesn't have these services available to you
- I mean, beyond nicotine, I don't really have any chemical dependencies, so I don't really fit the bill for services like that. Occasional drinking is like once or twice a month or less. Never been too big on drinking.
  
  Perhaps not, but drinking as a coping mechanism is unhealthy. Not judging, but even cutting back on that a bit will do wonders.
  
  occasionally getting drunk off my ass
  It's not if you consider yourself an addict of alcohol, its if your useage pattern qualifies you for detox. Detox is the first stepping-stone to all kinds of services including mental health, job skills, housing, etc.
  It sucks to conform to that system, but use it to your advantage, is my suggestion.
First of all: Oof. I feel you. Sounds rough.
It sounds like you need some joy in your life. I can think of three main areas where you might be able to start to have more of that in your life. First and foremost, you would benefit from a social life - as it seems that you are aware. I don't know enough about you to know what the obstacles preventing you from finding and growing a social life are, but that seems pretty important to figure out. If you've got free time, you should be able to start to cultivate a social life.
Second, a hobby that gives a bit more of a sense of accomplishment. I'm artistically oriented, so I tend to think of arts and crafts, but really anything where you're developing a skill would work. (I know that playing video games is a skill too, but you know what I mean.) A second advantage to a new hobby is that it is an opportunity to engage with a new community of people and in that way start to look for new friends.
Third, beauty. This can be a challenge if you're struggling financially. And I understand the house you live in is gross in ways that you don't control, but creating a sanctuary for yourself would be good. If you can't change your space, maybe you can spend more time with your eyes closed listening to immersive, beautiful music.
Of course this is all a bit of a challenge to accomplish. It involves creating new habits, and if you're starting from a place of depression it can be hard to find the motivation to power those changes. But making those changes is the only way your life is going to improve. Ideally, you would come up with a vision for how you ideally want to spend your time and then start with small changes that you can mostly sustain, building up to the goal.
I'd be happy to talk with you further if you like. It seems like you may need some help figuring how to overcome your challenges to developing a social life. I'm also available as a kind of accountability partner to help keep you on track with implementing changes that you decide on. I'm also available if you just want to talk a bit more.
Good luck.

131 comments