just rewatched I Saw The TV Glow

Heavy spoilers below.

I made a comment about this movie the other day because it was related to someone feeling like they live in a simulation. I don't think I can watch this movie again even though I think it was really good. I didn't even suspect that these were triggers I had but wow. I think part of it was growing up Christian and being a firm believer that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Despite being atheist now, whenever things get bad in my personal life or the world I still feel like there is a malevolent being pulling the strings. I remember a thought stuck in my head after a series of bad events in my life was "the writing is so bad." As if I was a character in a show and the writers were just putting me through too much.

And then, post second Trump inauguration, I watch a movie where one of the main characters literally says "do you ever feel like your life is a TV show?" I've been questioning gender things going in, and was ready for that aspect of it, but it hardly bothered me. What fucking destroyed me was the horror of feeling like this movie was talking directly to me.

It's really hard to put into words. Because I don't want to exaggerate, it's not like it made me suicidal. I'm not in any sort of crisis. I'm not in danger. But I also don't want to downplay it. I was sobbing. It really broke me apart.

I think a good comparison is maybe like things get bad and you see a knife. You have no desire to use it but that Kierkegaardian dread, that "call of the void" is there. You realize that you could do it. You don't have desire but you know that you have free will and you know that when people do get really upset sometimes they do get suicidal and do hurt themselves. And you get afraid that it could happen to you. That you might lose your grip.

And in the context of the movie the way to escape was to bury yourself alive. It was like a siren's call I guess is the best way to describe it. How tempting of an idea that I can escape everything.

It was a beautiful movie, but I don't think I can watch it again. I try to focus on happy moments and pursue my joy. I focus on those things instead of giving energy to the wonder of how things may be different in another hypothetical world. Because reality doesn't have an escape hatch. This is all we've got. And I want to make it as good as I can so other people don't have the same fears.