My (F) partner (MtF) recently came out as trans. I'm not into women, how do I be polite?
My (F) partner (MtF) recently came out as trans. I'm not into women, how do I be polite?
I'm not really into trans people, so I only date cis men. Not trans men, not nonbinary people, and not women of any kind. However, my former boyfriend is now my girlfriend, and IDK how to tell her I don't like women without her taking it the wrong way.
I wrote:
Hey, L,
I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.
I hope you understand, E 🙂
It's not always easy to be honest. But being honest is proper. You be you, and they will be who they are. It's best to live your best lives as who you truly are. If you're not compatible, you're not compatible. It's okay.
If I may piggyback off this comment and add one more thing: it’s a difficult conversation to be sure, so please do you and your girlfriend a favor and just be succinct and the point.
What I mean by this is that often times we want to make difficult conversations less painful, so we start dancing around our truth to try to soften the blows. We worry that we’re going to hurt the other person, and sometimes we end up making things worse in the process.
Good luck to you and her. I hope you two can find your paths going forward.
@FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club
Thank you, I'll tell her.
Hey, L,
I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.
I hope you understand, E 🙂
Not bad. I'd say end on a supportive note if you still care about them as a person. Like if you would still be there for them through this process just say something like, "I'll still be here to support you as you grow." but if you won't, don't say that.
In the corporate world, I was taught about the "shit sandwich". You start with the good (fully support you coming out, being true to yourself), add the shit in the middle (I'm straight and not into women), then add the other slice of bread (I'll support your true womanly self along the way). But like, keep the shit in the middle instead of ending on your own thoughts--you can have your thoughts but just end on the supportive part.
Just like... My opinion, man.
Many relationships don't make it through transition. Hopefully your friendship can
I'm sure it will. I'm now friends with the girl I bullied in high school, who is a trans man now.
Thanks! This resonated with me
I guess she's going through a lot so I'd let the relationship change at her pace, even if it means some concessions from you. It helps that you're clear about your intentions.
I hope your breakup goes smoothly and you remain good friends (I assume your relationship was good to start with). It's never easy to breakup, but rip that bandaid off as kindly as possible. She's not of your attracting gender and that's no one's fault. ✨Friendly after-midnight internet stranger thoughts to both of you.✨
It was very good, thanks so much. She said we probably wouldn't talk for a while as she processes the breakup
Let her know that you support her being who she is, it's just not your thing. You are entitled to your own preference. No hard feelings, hopefully.
it's going to hurt either way. might as well be honest
I wrote:
Hey, L,
I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.
I hope you understand, E 🙂
Hey, I went through a similar situation so I'll share the advice I was given: just be honest. It might hurt her to some degree, but it'll be better than just holding in your feelings. Looks like you were already honest with her by the post message.
Thanks so much.
I might be late to the party here, but I just wanted to chime in that my former husband and I went through this. He (now she) came out as MtF. I am not straight (bi), but I married them in part because I was attracted to their masculinity, which was now going away. I no longer found myself physically attracted to them. We went to marriage counseling, but ultimately decided to divorce. It was very hard, but it was ultimately for the best, for both of us. We remain friends and talk almost every day and it's been 7 years since the divorce.
If you truly love someone, you set them free.
You should probably bring this up sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it the harder it'll be. Maybe something about loving them as a person but no longer being attracted to them on a sexual level.
There's not really any way I can think of that won't hurt at least a little bit.
I'll tell her, TYSM
Be respectful but honest. Hopefully you can still be there to support her, but its not your responsibly to hide your sexuality for her, nor would it be right to lead her on when the relationship won't be successful.
Just try to keep in mind that she's likely in a vulnerable place right now, so while you shouldn't lie, try to be gentle. Prehaps emphasize that theres no blame, and make sure she knows you're proud of her.
Thank you. I'll try to be gentle
There’s no way to lay it on “nicely”.
Agreed, if you don't see a way forward with the relationship, you should be honest.
If you're living together, please consider giving them some time to figure things out, if that's feasible for you.
If you're living together, please consider giving them some time to figure things out, if that's feasible for you.
I cannot stress this enough. Your partner is going through a lot right now and they need support. It might be difficult to deal with seeing them transition, but it's paramount that they have at least some stability in their lives during this time.
I say this from personal experience as I came out to my wife, and she moved out the next day. It was absolutely devastating, and even with the incredible amount of support and found family I have, it's impossible to convey the sheer amount of damage that decision has caused emotionally.
Your partner will understand your preferences, as hard as it may be for her, but she will not be able to understand abandonment.
Thank you :)
Breaking up is hard no matter if it's justified and moral, there's never an easy way to do it.
Thank you
Have you been dating long? Something strikes me as odd that you would eschew your entire relationship because your partner now identifies as a woman.
She still has the same personality, the same quirks that you fell in love with, no?
It just seems weird that her gender would supersede the relationship you built together.
I'm seeing your message to her, and what I see is you taking the easy way out of this relationship: you're a girl, I don't like them. You're rejecting her for the one thing she can't help, problem solved.
If you really want to end this relationship, then I would recommend you think about how you're feeling right now and be honest with yourself, and then be honest with her, about the real reason you're ending this relationship.
This is a pretty nonconsensual take don't you think? If OPs partner were into men instead of women would she have to stay in the relationship?
It doesn't have to be black and white. This is something you discuss together, to see where each partner stands and where the relationship will go moving forward.
You can easily have two people, a man and a woman, with exactly the same traits and quirks and personality, but only be attracted to one of them depending on your sexual orientation.
Uh, seems today I mainly empathize with the downvoted comments. I like to believe I like people for who they are and less so how they present or what term they choose for that. But then I don't have any first-hand experience with this and I don't know a lot of details about this story. And there are people who are in relationships for lots of reasons. Outer appearence, personal qualities, money, circumstances... That probably changes the picture. But I'd agree. If it's personal qualities, then there's more to it.
Like, a year and a half. I used to like people for personality. I thought I did, but I only like the personality of a man. That is to say, I thought I didn't care about gender and just liked personality, but in reality, I only like men and don't care about appearance of men.
How did it go?
She said we probably wouldn't talk for a while and she needs to process things, but she understands
