Why do you think JD Vance killed the Pope?

the vatican couch was plush

The pope didn’t thank him

JD Vance was the thing that made the Pope finally give up on humanity.

Obviously Vance wanted to fuck the Papal seat. The pope tried to explain that he couldn't just let Vance fuck the chair of St Peter. Vance did not like this answer.

He probably didn't even do it on purpose. But I'm sure he did it.

Rearrange the letters in J.D. Vance and you get VADJECAN

One thing I've learned is never try to beat a couch fucker at his own game

Obviously he was hoping to take his powers.

He killed him by being near him

Homie has a problem with decency and people following the word of Jesus, despite publicly saying he is a Christian.

I asked ChatGPT to explain why JD Vance would kill the pope and it cited articles at me to tell me that JD Vance did not, in fact, kill the pope. I even tried to get it to doubt itself and it doubled down. If I have to live in slop world, I should at least be able to have fun with it :(

If he had anything to do with it he probably heated the discussion and yelled at him like a spoiled brat.

Same as Liz Truss killing the queen. Sometimes, when you're old and in poor health, you just experience something that makes you think "fuck it, I don't need to put up with this shit anymore."

Pope didn't say Thank you.

I love how this is thread is basically lemmyshitpost lmao

Just want to point out this is what furniture in the Vatican looked like before Pope Francis

And then after Pope Francis

The Pope had this really hot couch and JD fell in love with it at first sight. JD asked the couches father (the Pope) for the couches hand in marriage. The Pope, thinking this was a strange joke, laughed at JD's request. This filled JD with rage so he slit the popes thoat and began fucking the hot sofa.

As he bled out the pope was forced to watch the repeated violent defloration of his favorite piece of furniture.

Probably sitting on a couch he found really attractive and got jealous.

Vance is pure evil. Pure evil needs to feed to sustain. In the face of pure evil the pope lost all hope and then Vance fed upon his soul.

He had his eye on a really nice couch in the lobby.

JD Vance just existed

The pope died of cringe from experiencing Vance's presence.

JD didn't do it on purpose. The most reasonable answer is the Pope accidentally walked on JD in a tender moment with a loveseat. The Pontiff laughed himself to death.

He's both a subordinate of the Anti-Christ and Russian asset. He was called upon to kill the pope to initiate the Pope election process that they can manipulate in order to get a more "pro-apocalypse" Pope in place.

I don't think it was on purpose the Pope was just too frail to be in the same room as that much cringe. Frankly it was irresponsible of them to allow Vance anywhere near him.

Vance is too stupid to kill him, he'd fuck it up for sure. Did you see him drop Ohio State's trophy the other day? The guy is a total fuck up. He'd end up putting the Iocaine Powder in his own tea.

Nah, it was someone in his entourage that did it.

The Pope showed him his latest meme

The Pope refused to join his Signal group.

Realistically, no, but I still think it should be said frequently with sincerity.

Vance killed him because the Pope didn't own a suit

Vance saw this sexy ass chair And he just had to fuck it. I had to get down and dirty with that fancy seat. The pope tried to get in his way.

Death by cringe

The Pope cried out “take me JC!”

Unfortunately his right hand man is a bit hard of hearing, and let JD into the room…

Pope met the antichrist and said I'm outta here.

The flu of America*

Sure didn't see this one coming, ironically. Before the pope had passed away I commented this on another post.

Bet the poor Pope couldn't even attend because in addition to his health issues he must have felt the evil pressure oozing from Vance.

Welp, poor Francis. He was a good one, and difficult to replace especially in these uncertain times.

The silver lining is that he really made his last big act in life to admonish Vance, and by extension the Trump admin, about their wrongdoing. He has my gratitude for that.

Probably not because the Pope didn't say thank you. Zelensky is still alive. He probably didn't say please as well.

To get a right wing replacement, duh.

Because Biden is catholic

JD got over excited by how the pontiff choose to couch his words.

Same reason Liz Truss killed the Queen

The pope realized that no just or loving god would let that couch fucker anywhere near any position of power, so he offed himself out of depression.

He thought it was the seat of Catholic power and was driven to a frenzy.

Jealousy.

As a vampire, he has to drink the blood of a pontif to remain a daywalker.

He should now sparkle in the sun for another...6-8 weeks before needing to feed again.

Fancy papal couches that were unfuckable.

because the pope wouldn't give him his couch

That pure malice that emanates from JankyDick is not recommended for anyone over the age of 80.

The pope told JD that no one in the tRump regime, or any other self-proclaimed christian in the USA was anything near being a christian. Per Matthew 25:40-45

Because Elon wanted it. Vance doesn't have an ounce of initiative in his body. He doesn't need a reason other than his boss asked him.

Given the conservative drift of major institutions over the past year or so whoever they pick for the new Pope is probably less likely to excommunicate him

Being anywhere in Trump's orbit speeds up your trajectory towards death like Matt Damon in Saving Private Ryan. Donald Trump is, essentially, a biological version of "The Machine" from The Princess Bride pushed to 50.

Since the pope was only secondarily contaminated, the process was slower, but he was already so close to death as it is.

Because he's evil. And the pope publicly gave him a lecture. Made him look smaller than he already did.

I don't know the why but the first thing I said when I found out was "Polonium".

killed him to further the prophecy that this is the end times.

Well the Pope ghosted JD, so JD obviously ghosted the Pope.

I don't know, but he better have said thanks

I don't think anyone thinks it, its just a joke

He spoke Spanish

The pope's death was God's plan. God is the murderer. (Again)

So a conclave power struggle is set off behind the scenes to try to install Cardinal Burke so that they have one less institution to get in the way

It's all that white on white, he kinda looked like a couch. He wasn't trying to kill him, but the old man was frail and looked too much like a cushion.

Truth is, he wasn't trying to. Vance wanted to show off his zombie Jesus costume, but it turned out to be a killer costume!

(I just wanted to throw something in that isn't the same jokes everyone else is making)

What's a Nazi's favorite color smoke?

White smoke.

(For all y'all non Catholics, the vatican has white smoke to signal when they elect a new pope...and ya know...JD Vance is a nazi.)

Because he didn't say "thank you" clearly

JD Vance had FOXDIE

Everyone here seems to be in on something that I've missed.

Edit: I read a reuters article, I see he met with JD yesterday.

Couldn't hear the safe word through the ball gag.

Clearly he visited India today to discuss a Hindu Nationalist takeover of America

he threatened to release the video of him and cardinal wuerl spit roasting a luxury couch.

Butthurt, his hallmark.

The pope wouldn't let him ogle the holy see.

The pope told him he was an aristocrat, not a real mountain man from West Virginia and this truth caused JD to mistake the pope for a couch.