[vent] waking up is hard
[vent] waking up is hard
I posted this in the wrong meme community. Reposting here.
I'm AMAB who has always felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm decently comfortable occupying my body, but I do wish it was easier/more acceptable to transition. I had a dream last night that I was at a doctor's office and I was starting HRT. It has put me in a funk all day.
To be honest, I consider myself fluid enough to continue identifying as a man to anyone but myself. I just wish I could live two lives. Or go back and make the decision to transition when I was younger. I am a stereotypical guy: hairier than not, chubbier than not, deep brow, gnarled hands, etc. I don't really think I could ever feel truly "woman enough" to feel comfortable trying out the other side of the gender spectrum. I've tried growing my hair, piercing my ears, and wearing a teeny bit of eye liner, but it just never looked right on me. I just looked a bit weird.
I'm venting here to hopefully deal with the funky vibes my dream gave me. I've never been this open with any audience: virtual or physical. So, apologies if this is coming off a bit transphobic in any way.
I mean I'm not surprised you didn't feel better with those, it's like a limited taste. And not a full taste either. Idk it really is never too late to start. I think the hardest part is realistic expectations, you can either work with what you've got or you can keep pushing it down until you're even older
That is a haunting last sentence. But you're probably right.
Hun, no need to apologize. What you're describing sounds exactly like gender dysphoria. If the only thing holding you back is the fear that you wouldn't be pretty enough in your own eyes, then the only thing holding you back is your own internalized transphobia.
I'm certainly not throwing shade, I'm enby and I lived just like you for ~25 years before starting hormone therapy. I spent decades envying binary trans folks 'til research showed that enbys like me can benefit from it too. I'll never be traditionally pretty thanks to my first puberty, but I can be soft and curvy and that's enough to make me comfortable in my own skin even if most people just see me as a dude.
Your experiences may differ since you're fluid, but I think you need to offer yourself a bit more grace. Deviation from cishetero norms is hard, but lying to yourself about your own feelings is a burden that only grows heavier with time. Meditate on those funky vibes, maybe they can be satisfied by dressing in drag on occasion? That's how I self-soothed 'til I felt safe enough to start hormones.
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate the honesty. Like I said in other comments, I have a lot of things that are holding me back, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't explore it entirely. I just don't think I can go 'all in' but maybe that's ok. Definitely internalized transphobia and other body image issues make it much harder.
I too felt guilty for not realising and transitioning sooner, but my life would have been so different. I'm happy about my past, the people I met, the love I had, the trips I did, the experiences I had, and I don't want to change that. I also believe it would have been really hard to transition while I was in high school, living with my parents. People back then didn't know what the word 'transgender' meant. People transition at all ages, and they all eventually look so beautiful and happy. I think I did it at the right time. Don't pressure yourself with the past. Focus on the present.
For now I'm considering growing my hair out again. Maybe it'll look better this time around. Whilst high school would have been brutal for me, I still wish I could have put the brakes on puberty. It's impossible to go back and it's hard to imagine I'd ever have had the courage. But it also just seems like the only way to halt the manly characteristics I've gained.
I'm glad that you feel safe talking about your experiences here. This space is for questioning people as well, and you are absolutely welcome here.
It can definitely be hard to feel feminine when we can't see past all the things other people say exclude us from femininity. I can definitely relate to that a lot. It's like we're locked out of half of human expression just because other people decided we couldn't present that way. Thoughts like that were very prevalent for me during a lot of my life. Being gender non-conforming is hard.
I did want to respond to a few things. Firstly, you don't have to have extreme discomfort/dysphoria in order to transition or to want to transition. A lot of transfeminine people relate to a feeling of passive apathy about their bodies and presentation as opposed to strong persistent dysphoria. There's no real qualifiers for wanting to transition. If transitioning/presenting more feminine makes you feel happy/euphoric, then that's what matters more than anything. Being trans is about joy. It's about feeling a sense of connection with who we are and the image we present to the world.
Second, there's no rules for being trans or transitioning. There are some transfem people who will always go back to presenting as a man (boymoding) when they're around family or friends or at work. It's about what feels comfortable or realistic to you.
Thirdly, there's no age limit to transition. And related to that, I have met passing women who pre transition very stereotypically fit the conventions of masculinity. Feminizing hormone replacement meds are amazing. And I've met passing women who didn't start to transition until their 60s. That's not to say that HRT (hormone replacement therapy) is magic that will make anyone instantly pass, but that it's far more complex than it seems at first. It changes a lot about your body. Your starting point does not entirely relate to what HRT can do for you.
Lastly, I want to recommend reading the gender dysphoria Bible. It's linked in the community sidebar. It talks a lot about some of the things I mentioned above and really has a lot of answers to questions about what it is to be trans or to want to transition. I really do encourage you to read it. It helps a lot of people understand what they're feeling a bit better.
I did my best to read the gender dysphoria bible during some of my work meetings and - for better or worse - I do fulfill a lot of the cliches illustrated in it. Even as a teen, I occasionally wore makeup, painted my nails, etc. I didn't really feel comfortable around my peers. I'm guilty of sleeping as much as possible to kind of live in the fantasy.
All that being said, I have so much internalized transphobia (as someone else pointed out) and I'm deeply entrenched in this life as AMAB. If I could guarantee I would love myself as a trans woman, I might consider it. But I feel somewhat confident that my inability to pass and my shame make the idea transitioning overwhelmingly difficult. I can't shake the feeling that I'm maybe fetishising the experiencing (despite reading the subsection "Consider That It’s Rarely 'Just A Fetish.'"). It's nice to talk about it nonetheless.
Thank you for the detailed response. I will try to find time to read the gender dysphoria Bible. I appreciate you allowing me to vent/voice myself here. Whilst I like to believe HRT could "fix me", I am dubious. Plus, for some reasons I neglected to mention in my original post, I feel tied to my life as it is. I have a wonderful, straight, wife who wouldn't be happy being married to a woman. She's the love of my life and I just wouldn't ever consider risking our relationship in order to fulfill my desire to explore transitioning. I think there might be ways for me to fulfill my dysphoria without necessarily fully transitioning and maybe I'll start exploring those.
If you wish you could do it in the past, why not do it now?
There are a lot of reasons I feel like I can't. For one, my wife is likely not going to be happy with me doing anything drastic like HRT. I have a wonderful, lefty, smart, wife who would be understanding. But I don't want to upset the balance of our relationship. I came out as bi to her and that wasn't an issue since we're monogamous. I'm quite certain (based on past conversations we've had with each other) that if I made myself more "womanly" she would be less attracted to me. And my wife/family is the most important thing in my life.
I just can't imagine doing all of it. If I was alone and single, I might consider therapy, transitioning, and then HRT. But I think the dysphoria is manageable since I'm not struggling majorly. I do worry that in 30 more years I'll regret it, but I also worry that I'd regret doing it because maybe it'll fade away.
Also, thank you to anyone who responded previously to my post in the wrong community. I just reposted because I felt others might reciprocate my feelings.
Overall, like I said, I'm generally happy. But I do tbh about that - if I could time travel - things might be different.