Hi lemmy, this situation is kinda private so it seems easier to look for support here than it is to talk about it with most of my irl friends.
My partner is going into GI surgery in about 36 hours. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years and cohabitate, and he has a chronic GI condition that has worsened in the past couple years. He normally manages it with medication, but his flareups have gotten frequent and severe enough that he’s finally committed to surgical correction. As far as I know it’s not going to cure anything, but should hopefully make his condition more easily managed.
This of course is scary, so I’ve already got fears about what could go wrong and the possibility of something bad happening. I’m sure he does too, and he was very crabby this morning and picked a fight. I suspect it was in response to his anxiety, but he’s stubborn and has kind of doubled down on being petty and spiteful tonight. I will admit that this morning when he was being antagonistic, I let it get under my skin and blew my top back at him some and boy is he holding it against me now. I’m so embarrassed that I acted nasty this morning and have tried to mend the bad feelings with zero success. He’s gone so far as to say he plans to go to his mother’s tomorrow and have her drive him to/from the procedure and plans to spend his recovery time (1-2 weeks) at mom’s. That one hurt, the idea of not being able to see him off sucks.
I’m trying to just give him space tonight, but I have to admit that the fact that he won’t drop it and that it seems like he may huff off into this procedure is really making my preexisting anxieties about this worse. What if something happens to him and he passes away in the middle of all this tension between us? Ugh, the thought makes my stomach turn.
I know there’s no good answer here and I’m not trying to demonize him, he’s a great man that just isn’t very emotionally self aware sometimes, but I feel stuck crying on our couch terrified. (I let him have the bedroom because I know he needs to be resting and I’m gonna be up and about for a bit.) If you have any advice, memes, good vibes, or encouraging stats about diverticulitis surgery, please share. My little brother talked me down some on the phone, but I’m too embarrassed about the fight to call my friends, so here I am, sadgirling on lemmy.
I think what you should do is just write a note for him. Avoid mentioning any of the arguments. Just let hime know you care and will be there when he gets out and that you love him. I don't know your relationship but it sounds like the fights aren't a big deal, so just focus on the important stuff.
Arguments and disagreements happen, especially when you’re going through something stressful and especially especially when one member of a relationship struggles with emotional self awareness.
You know this already, but I know for me that having a reminder that everyone has moments like this. Please don’t spend too much time feeling embarrassed!
Sounds like your partner has already given up on communicating for today at least. Maybe tomorrow approach him with something like “hey, I know things got heated yesterday, and I’m sorry for my part in it. Can we just put that aside for now? I don’t want to be away from you and I don’t want to be upset with each other before your procedure.” That might convince him to take the truce and not shut you out.
Diverticulitis surgery outcomes are usually pretty positive, especially compared to complications from the condition. Just keep your chin up, you got this.
I spent 6 months in the hospital dying faster than normal. My spouse was there to visit me nearly every day and we often got into fights about, in retrospect, supremely stupid shit. This is all to say that we experienced a traumatic event from two very different viewpoints. You're partner is afraid about what could potentially go wrong and so are you. But you both aren't afraid in the same way; you just can't be and there is nothing wrong with that. But good news! Nothing's gone wrong other than a stupid fight.
My advice to you is to be there to see him off and be there for his recovery. He's scared and being an ass. You were scared and were an ass. You've been together 5 years. You need to be by his side even if he says you don't have to or that mom can take care of it all.
I have a friend that has survived four diverticulitis surgeries. IMO, it is common to survive these procedures.
It's good to have a place to vent here and thank you for sharing your troubles.
As all things that seem insurmountable in life, I try to remind my self that: "this too shall pass".
This may sound fickle and insensitive, but it is true in most cases.
The most important thing, in this situation, is that you are heard. To explain, there are other people here that are listening to you and your current difficult situation.
Thank you so much kind stranger! Hearing positive anecdotes helps and so does being heard! I really appreciate you taking the time to spread some kindness and compassion.
I had my colon and parts of my liver removed, so I can speak to how terrifying it is. If the surgeons don’t know whether or not he’ll need an ostomy, and he has to find out after he wakes up, that adds another layer of anxiety.
True confessions: I was a real bitch before my surgery. And after.
Unfortunately some of us react to fear by becoming angry. If he knows he’s one of us, he might be doing the best thing by putting his mother in charge. She can handle him, and you won’t get hurt.
Let his mother take over. Be supportive, be there, and be calm. Try not to take any of this to heart. Talk to his mother and work with his mother to care for him. Stay centered and put an emotional wall between you and his freaking out. Treat it like a toddler having a tantrum, because really that’s what it is.
It sucks; but don’t start divorce proceedings, seeking vengeance, or airing your hurt feelings until a couple months after surgery. He’s gonna be out of his head on pain meds and the dehydration/poor nutrition/exhaustion from his guts being rerouted and re-adapting will leave him being a total shit for a while yet.
And if he doesn’t come around after that, try some couple’s counseling before making any huge decisions.
You are right, and I thank you so much for this response. I probably would be acting a fool too if I were in that position, so I’m trying my best to be understanding and to put my own freakout aside. As hurt as I would be if something happened, that fear doesn’t at all compare to the fear one must feel when its their own body, wellbeing, and life.
And you’re right about the mom thing. He’s probably gonna be a handful when he wakes up sore and incapacitated by all this. I’m trying to not take it personally, which is hard because I’m sensitive in general and wish I could “fix it” for him. Obviously, I can’t, and his wellbeing is the priority right now. Thank you for the perspective from that side of things and for your message of support!
Aw man, sorry you're going through that. It sounds like you both just really need some space to calm down and process. I also get very snappy/aggro and tend to start fights when I'm anxious. I've pushed my partner away during health scares as well (I'm in therapy and always apologize after tho) When I do, it's never actually about my partner. It's me feeling anxious, wanting space, feeling guilty about receiving help and wanting to pull away and isolate to deal with my emotions. Don't take it personally and it's perfectly normal to snap back at someone when they're being a bit of an ass. You didn't do anything wrong. Hopefully your partner just needs some space to calm down.
Also, when you're both in a good headspace, it may be helpful to ask about why they want their mom to help them instead. He might be subconsciously guilty and not wanting to burden you.
Thank you so much for the perspective and support. Intellectually, I get all of this, but last night I was just down in it ya know? I’m so glad I had a place to vent and that lemmy users like you were kind and compassionate. Thank you, truly from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sure the next few days before the surgery are going to be tough emotionally for both of you. It sounds like your SO likely doesn't realize how worried they are or how much it's affecting them, but giving them a little space is a good move.
Try not to beat yourself up for getting upset - it's a perfectly normal reaction, especially in a stressful situation like this. Luckily there're a few days before the procedure so you can hopefully discuss it and be supportive of each other. This internet stranger is sending love!
Thank you kind stranger! I already feel a lot better. He’s less crabby today and while we haven’t talked through what happened yesterday, I certainly don’t mind just dropping it until after he’s recovered.
My wife and I have what we call "bad communication days" from time to time, where each of us is stressed to the point that we're less able to pick the right words for how we're feeling or interpret things charitably. They suck, and I'm sorry that you're in the thick of one (though I'm hoping that things will be better for you today).
Some things that have helped us keep our communication healthier in stressful events include
"X makes me feel" statements being rarely used. Instead of putting the onus of our emotions on the other with that sort of phrasing, we use "when x happens I feel y" to acknowledge that they're our feelings about an event or statement and not something we've been forced to feel.
"Could you rephrase that, I don't think I understood it the way you meant it" is something we both use when we feel ourselves getting elevated in conversation. It's a more positive response than other options if there's accusatory language, snide remarks, information that's glosses over, or if we've just taken a statement really poorly and want to steer the conversation back to "respectful" territory.
Sometimes it takes us a few days to reach a point where we're able to have the meta conversation about a previous one. That's okay, and imho better to wait to have a truly positive talk than risk yet another bad one that's based on rehashed fights. For us, that sounds like "we had a rough day the other day, but I'm at a place where I've been able to collect my thoughts so I can talk about them. I hope you're getting there too, and I'll be ready when you are. I love you."
For what it's worth, she works in a GI office and says that many of the practice's patients that have this kind of procedure see improvements in their quality of life, especially if the condition hasn't progressed to the point of an ostomy being needed. She'd like me to stress that she's not a clinician and isn't familiar with his case so she's speaking in general, but we're both hoping he and you will feel better soon.
You are very insightful and so kind for reaching out to your wife on my behalf! All of this advice about communication is gold, and it’s so helpful for me to hear! Yes today has been better, and I’m getting choked up seeing all of these kind responses like yours. Thank you for taking the time! The world is a better place for people like you being willing to spread compassion.