Can anyone else relate? Why is it so hard for them to just apologize??
Can anyone else relate? Why is it so hard for them to just apologize??
My theory is that they are living in a world of hierarchies and apologizing is admitting a mistake, which takes them down a few levels on the hierarchy of power/popularity.
Nah, intention is what matters to judge a person, accidents or ignorance are unavoidable, and many other parts of human nature at play here as well...
You also need to just understand that people are flawed and what they do about that is what matters.
Yup exactly. I would even go so far as to say that insisting on getting an apology when they had no intention of hurting is tyrannic. "You were insensitive and now i'm hurt. Now i have the right to make you feel the same way!" -- No, doesn't compute.
Accidents of ignorance are unavoidable, but accountability is important.
We all make mistakes, what we do about them includes taking responsibility and apologizing, otherwise we're bound to repeat them and spoil relationships.The problem with that is that you get the maliciously ignorant who'll staunchly refuse to learn and hide behind 'that wasn't my intention'/'I didn't mean to' etc. all while keeping up the hurt just as much as the first time.
That isn`t the same lol, only counts if it' genuine.
All very true. Now if it's something that repeatedly happens despite them now knowing it's hurtful? Well then even if the action itself isn't deliberate, the inaction to notice/stop or change can make it equivalent to being deliberate.
That´s another story jaja.
What would it help if they apologize if they don't mean it/see what they did wrong? If it wasn't person As intention to hurt person B, but B insists that person A apologizes, it would result in A apologizing for Bs feelings aka "I'm sorry you feel this way". I don't think that that's better.
I’m sorry you feel this way
I've heard that that type of statement could be considered passive-aggressive because it's not a real apology since it's implying that the problem is on the hurt person for choosing to feel that way.
Exactly. I'd interpret "I'm sorry you feel this way" passive-aggressive as well and that's the reason I wouldn't want to push someone to apologize to me if they don't want to. How do THEY get to apologize for MY feelings?
I guess it's just a difficult situation to be in. I think it is okay if you do something another person doesn't like/hurts them but not apologize for it. You didn't know it better. If they tell you that they were hurt by your action then acknowledge it ("It wasn't my intention. I won't do it again.") AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN (if it's a reasonable request and/or you know the person)! Simple as that. People don't HAVE TO apologize for their actions especially if it's something that isn't offensive to most people and they couldn't have known someone else doesn't like it. Of course it would be nice to hear "I'm sorry I hurt you" or something along those lines too, but I also understand that they don't want to apologize if they don't see a problem in the act itself. But If they still proceed to do the action then I'd be pissed (again if it's a reasonable request).
I'd like them to acknowledge what they did wrong even if they didn't mean to hurt me? It really doesn't take much
But isn't that the point? They don't think that they did something wrong. They didn't intend to hurt you with their action, which they try to convey to you, but they don't think that their action was wrong in principle. Like baking an apple pie for a group where someone is allergic to apples and they didn't know that or simply just forgot. The action of baking a pie is not something to apologize for even if someone felt left out because they couln't eat it and therefore were hurt.
It hurts me to see your post, pls apologize
but that wasn't my intention
I think some people's self-worth relies on them being "good"/right/perfect, so they can't apologize without also hurting themselves. I don't really get it either, because in my experience being able to apologize when you need to, is a huge strength. People will overlook almost any mistake you've made when they know that you feel bad about it, instead of having it turn into an useless conflict.
Even if you don't feel like apologizing surely you can say "I didn't mean to hurt you and I'll try not to do it again" or even "I didn't mean to hurt you but I don't really care about your feelings/I think you're being unreasonable" so you know where they stand.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" 😡
i think it's the difference between people accidentally hurting you and feeling badly about hurting you, and people that wanted to say something unkind and now they feel like the bad guy because you showed that you were hurt by it instead of taking it on the chin and letting them.
If I have acted in a way that has resulted in someone feeling hurt, I am empathetic to their pain. If my choices could reasonably be attributed to negligence or malice I believe it is my responsibility to apologize.
There is an exception however. I will not apologize simply because someone is hurt unless I have done something I can consider "fault". I may not apologize but I will try to find a way to express my sympathize & if possible look for ways to avoid the same result in the future.
There are plenty of people who will use their pain (real or fake or mixtures) to try to avoid personal responsibilities or externalize their problems. Gaslighting uses this. People CAN gaslight unintentionally even. For both parties I think it's important to apologize when you have knowingly or unknowingly done something wrong, but be careful taking on responsibility for hurt when it is not yours to take on.
Recently, I've set a personal boundary that in cases where the person is out of hand and gaslighting, I start considering terminating the relationship all together.
This could be abusive behavior… someone failing to understand their own actions or empathize with you is a sign of a very unhealthy person.
OR some neurotypicals are aware of their behavior but choose not to apologize anyway because it could be perceived as an admittance of guilt, and they would have to take responsibility for their actions. I used to work in a corporate environment and I never heard anyone apologize for anything. My own boss even told me not to apologize in emails no matter what in case the other person bring said issue up with Human Resources. Mind games suck so bad.
it's just the bad ones in my experience
I think it's about identity and perception of self.
could you please elaborate?
I'm talking about those chronically unable to apologize, and that don't seem able to learn here.
Some people have trouble separating actions and character, so admitting to committing a mistake becomes emotionally as admitting they're bad persons, and that threatens their sense of identity.
The emotional connection to their wrongdoing isn't guilt, but shame for who they are.
It's connected to low self esteem, in the worst cases to narcissism.