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Man, I get no good feelings even if I did great. Productivity and achieving goes gives me zero positive reinforcement and it absolutely sucks. Even graduating college, I was just glad that I didn't have to go back. No sense of accomplishment whatsoever.
That's because you're not doing it for yourself, you're doing it for others.
Do things for yourself, with no expectations from anyone else, and then compare the feelings.Can just say: nope. No difference for me.
So you get no enjoyment from anything?
Never made and ate a good meal that had you feel "I needed that"?
Never bought a random toy or played a game and felt "that was fun"?
Is receiving sexual pleasure just a meaningless chore?Maybe the issue isn't not feeling it, maybe you're looking for some great high that makes trivial things worthless by comparison.
Were you perhaps spoilered by other people telling you what to expect and those expectations never came to pass?
Or are the bad experiences so ingrained that the good ones simply can't compete?Regardless, active exploration is the way to change a state of mind. Passivity leads to numbness. Or so I've been told.
Sometimes our brains are broken in ways that can't be rationalized out of unfortunately
Yes, they are indeed.
I did it for myself and felt the same way, just relieved. I'd even like to go back for myself but that's not enough motivation to produce the energy with which to start, let alone have a prayer of finishing.
I've been told anxiety is a symptom of low self-esteem. So if -and it's a very big if- one manages to love and respect themselves, the anxiety will disappear on its own.
The idea would be to first work on yourself and get closer to your own expectations of what you should be. And only after that pursue the external avenues of life.
but the things i want to do for myself aren't economically viable.
and, no, 'i work because i want to eat' (or to X, or other CBT mind tricks) don't work either — coercion doesn't work on me, even when i want it to.
Anything can become economically viable in the right circumstances. Maybe you don't want it to become economically viable because then you'd have to share or sell.
As for coercion, when there's nothing to coerce you with, invent something that can.
That's the hard part, the expectations come from me.
Yes it is hard. It simply is. Life itself is hard and we only make it harder for ourselves.
But it's not hard-coded in us. It's a habit and habits can change. Only that it takes time and actively trying to.Whether having high, low or no expectations, everything is allowed. The only rule is that of cats: "If I fits, I sits."